Idol Countdown: #9-7

There have been lots of Idol contestants throughout the years who have, how shall we say this delicately, been pimped to the high heavens by the judges even though they suck balls. This practice really kicked into high gear in recent season when people like David Archuletta were told they were "molten hott lava bombs" even though they had clearly forgotten the words and sang their last note flat.

But there is one person who I feel gets a bad rap. And She occupies the #9 Spot on my countdown:

#9: Jordin Sparks - A Broken Wing



So right away I know you're thinking: if I'm gonna put Jordin Sparks in this countdown I should go with "I Who Have Nothing." I agree, she did well with that song, but I think that one gets more credit than it deserves because it was her first great performance. This song came afterwards, and it was better, but people were just a little more prepared to see it.

But getting back to contestant-pimping, there was a point during this season where it became so clear that the producers wanted Jordin to win that we actually started calling the practice of pimping contestants: Sparksing. However I think, in retrospect, this was unfair to Jordin. She was a fine contestant. Actually other than Melinda she was probably the best that season.

What I'm saying is this: Was Jordin told she was awesome every week even if she wasn't? Yes. Were the judges particularly effusive with their comments? Well, Paula did tell Jordin she was, and I can't make this up, a "gift from heaven". So, yes. Did the producers give her the best clothes and only shoot her in the most flattering way possible? You betcha. But that doesn't take away from the fact that Jordin sang this song REALLY well.

#8: Diana Degarmo - Don't Cry Out Loud



In the history of Idol glory notes, the one Diana rips into around the 1:40 mark, that lasts until the 1:55 mark (15 seconds!), is the single greatest ever. It literally sounds like it will never end. And she doesn't even appear to be out of breath. You have the feeling she could sing that note for a good 2 minutes if she had to.

Also, Diana was kind of like the original Jordin Sparks, except she was a better singer. She was 16, cute, completely innocuous, and had a nice pop voice. Her only problem was she was in the same season as Fantasia and Jennifer Hudson so she was a little overshadowed. Put Diana on season 6 of Idol, instead of Jordin, she could have won. Also, RED PALAZZO PANTS. 'Nuff said.


#7: Katharine McPhee - Over The Rainbow



We might look back on Season 5 of American Idol and realize it was the best ever. It probably had more talent than any other season, along with a wonderful mix of people like Kellie Pickler and Bucky Covington for comedic relief. And out of all the season 5 performances this is my favorite...by a female (we'll get to the other one later).

Kat could be really infuriating at times, with her pension for over-singing and poor song choices. But on this night Simon picked the song, and pretty much demanded she sing it simply, and beautifully. I really don't know what else to say about this song...there's nothing to make fun of. It's just kind of a perfect little piece of singing, and that deserves recognition. OH! Also, as an official friend of Dorothy, I would like Kat to know she has done us proud.



So next week the countdown will feature it's first, but not last, dude. Also, we'll take another journey back to Season 1, where the gypsy-chic motif continues to dominate. See you then!

Countdown: My Top 10 Idol Peformances Ever!

We're back!

So, L&MDJers, it's been a while. Liz and I took an extended break from blogging about Idol (as Idol took an extended break from existing), and from blogging in general. "Why?", you ask. Well, life happens. Some of us are busy with jobs, thriving improv careers, and exciting new relationships, while others are busy getting drunk every night at sing-a-long piano bars that cater to elder gay men by exclusively playing musical standards like "Edelweiss". Ahhh, life.

Anywho, in honor of the upcoming 8th, yes 8th, season of AI, I've decided to countdown my 10 favorite Idol performances ever. But before we get to my #10 pick, there are some rules to go over.

1) These are MY favorite Idol performances. So there will be moments that aren't on this list because, although I realize they are great, they are not MY favorites.

2) This is only a top 10 list. I could probably list my 30 favorite performances, and this particular post will contain my honorable mentions, but that seems a little much.

3) Where the contestant placed, and where their careers have gone since, in no way factors into my decision. For example, Carrie Underwood doesn't get a spot on my list because, although she's sold 5 billion country albums, she was basically a lobotomized fembot the entire time she was on AI. Seriously, if anyone has a clip of her moving her facial muscles, or NOT swaying awkwardly during fast songs, I would love to see it.

So before I reveal my #10 pick, here are my honorable mentions, and my "yeah I know others think these are awesome but I'm just not as into them":

Some Honorable Mentions - Justin Guarini "Get Here"; Kelly Clarkson "Respect"; Kimberly Locke "Over The Rainbow", "New York State of Mind", and "Inseperable"; Ruben Studdard "Superstar"; LaToya London "All By Myself", "Somewhere"; Jennifer Hudson "Circle of Life"; Paris Bennet "These Foolish Things"; Melinda Doolittle "Home"; Lakisha Jones "This Ain't a Love Song"; Brooke White "Love is a Battlefield"; Jason Castro "Over the Rainbow"

Other People's Faves - Kelly Clarkson "Stuff Like That There"; Clay Aiken "Solitaire"; Carrie Underwood "Alone"; Bo Bice "In a Dream"; Chris Daughtry "Hemorrhage"; Anything Taylor Hicks ever did; Blake Lewis "You Give Love a Bad Name"; Any David Cook song; David Archuletta "Imagine"; Jason Castro "Hallelujah"

OK, so hopefully that will appease those who don't see their favorites on my completely scientific and indisputable list of Idol perfection.

#10: Kelly Clarkson - "Don't Play That Song"







Ok, so after all my rules and standards my first entry is kind of a cop-out. I love Kelly Clarkson. And throughout her run on Idol she had a lot of good performances, but never one defining moment. It's funny because, since Kelly, every Idol winner has that one song everyone remembers them performing.

But anyway, I think out of all Kelly's good performances, this one is her best. She kills all the high notes with infuriating (if you're a singer) ease. She growls and mugs in all the right places. She wears some kind of asymmetrical gypsy/hooker outfit. It's perfect. I am convinced that Kelly would have finished in the top 3, if not outright won, every other idol season. She might have been the first, but she's also one of the best.

Also, Since U Been Gone, seriously, it's life-changing.

So stay tuned next week when we countdown #9-7. I can't promise punch and pie, but I can promise 14-second-long glory notes and palazzo pants. And, really, if you're reading this, that probably feeds the true hunger...in your soul.

Blogging SYTYCD

The Jamboree would like to thank Ted at Blogging SYTYCD for linking to us in this week's round-up of SYTYCD news. Check that blog for more thorough discussion of the best show in the world than we could ever hope to achieve. Thanks, Ted!

SYTYCD: Four Unintentionally Hilarious Dances

So, I was thinking I'd celebrate the return of the best show in the world by providing a few video clips of what are, in my esteem, some of the best and worst dances in all three seasons of the show. Then I scrapped that idea because frankly, there are too many "best" dances, and even the "worst" dances are still good... especially to someone like me, whose dancing best resembles the Hamburgular trying to make a break for it.

What SYTYCD has in spades, however, are routines that are not necessarily bad but are unintentionally laugh out loud funny. Intentionally funny routines do not qualify for this distinction, so Tranji didn't make the cut. Here are my Top Four Unintentionally Hilarious Dances:

4. "Push It," Sara and Danny, Season 3
This routine got totally panned on the show. It wasn't actually bad, but the costuming was pretty cruel. Unintentionally funny because Danny was one of the most stoic, serious performers in that collection of finalists, and watching him do this choreography in this outfit was the same kind of funny you get when you dress a cat in doll clothes. Not that I love doing that.

3. "The Scream Heard 'Round the World," Dmitry, Season 2
This solo was Dmitry's last-ditch effort not to get voted off the show after he had assisted in the elimination of something like four consecutive partners. When this originally aired, Mike and I watched it with our three roommates, and like magic, all five of us let out an exactly pitch-matched squeal at the end. The funniest thing to me in retrospect is that Dmitry rips off his shirt after the music has already ended. Like, "Oh... and THIS!" I love him so much.

2. "Late Night in the J.C. Penney Stockroom," Pasha, Season 3
Okay, so Pasha is a Latin specialist. He usually dances with a partner. I think the intended effect here was "I'll dance with a mannequin so my solo resembles a partner dance." Now, imagine how that would come off in reality: that is exactly how it goes. The whole thing is balls-out ridiculous. Then he does an impromptu roundoff at the end... for no reason.

1. "Flashdance," Ashlee and Ben, Season 2
It's the very first performance show of Season 2, and the most awkward looking couple on the show draws "80s Disco" as their genre. Is that even a genre? And the music is "Flashdance." And it's choreographed by Doriana Sanchez, and accordingly features some of the most copious cunniliftus ever seen. This routine was just so, so mean. Introducing it, even Cat knows we're about to witness an absolute travesty. This is probably one of my favorite routines in all three seasons of the show, because the two of them are such damn good sports about something so pointedy intended to wreak misery on everyone involved. And isn't that what dancing is all about?

Apocalypse Now: The Real World comes to Brooklyn

Oh Christ. So the rumor is MTV's classic (re: wicked old) reality TV series is coming to...Brooklyn. If the rumors are true it's coming to my home turf of Williamsburg, Brooklyn to be exact. Now, at the rate my current neighb is gentrifying I guess I can't say I'm totally surprised that MTV would leach onto it's aura of urban hipster glam. But seriously? The Real World? I think we have a new definition of when an up-and-coming area jumps the shark. The previous definition was: The CW's 'Gossip Girl' uses your neighborhood as it's location for the family "from the wrong side of the tracks."

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Anyway, I hope the updated sign above makes the 20-something wannabe singers and actors (and maybe prostitutes? have we moved onto them yet?) feel right at home! Welcome to the neighborhood!

SYTYCD!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know if i'll be able to blog about this show, as I am completely obsessed with it in a totally non-ironic way (mabes I'll just write about my love for Cat Deeley...). Anyway, this post is merely here to celebrate its glorious return to TV last night.

HUZZAH!!!!

Idol Finale: I'd rather live in David Cook's world than live without him in mine.

I want to apologize first of all for not blogging about last night's show, especially to Erin, who tells me she checks the Jamboree every single day to see if I've said something hilarious. I didn't blog about last night's show, and there were two reasons for that:

1. I was still really torn up about the House finale.
2. I really thought Cook was about to lose American Idol to a kid wearing a "graphic tee."

Apparently the universe holds no grudges against me for this, because it went on to deliver the best Idol finale in the history of time, ever. I will now enumerate the happenings.

I'm psyched going in because I know it's going to be a full sixteen minutes before the judges are allowed to utter a single word, and I know this is for the best because Randy is dressed like Colonel Sanders. Ryan introduces Cook, who is wearing a white suit, and Archuleta, who is wearing a white t-shirt. Archuleta, what is wrong with you that you couldn't at least wear something with a collar on an occasion this momentous? Forget it, that's clearly the least of your problems.

Footage from Kansas City, Missouri, anchored by Mikalah Gordon (click on that link if you hate yourself) is followed by footage from Salt Lake City, anchored by Matt Rogers. Who the hell is Matt Rogers? If you have TiVo, go back and check out the girls behind Rogers in this shot, because they are TERRIFYING.

The top 12 wear matching white outfits and sing together, with the SYTYCD kids from last season dancing. If you know me, you know that this is a combination of two of my favorite things in the world (matching outfits and So You Think You Can Dance), and we're only five minutes into the show, people! Cook and Archuleta duet on "Hero," and they actually both sound great.

Then Mike Myers comes along and ruins everything. He's in some movie about a guru, and there are midgets in the movie. Cook and Archuleta are captured on film laughing at this movie and I start to like them both a little bit less. Oh well, at least it's not as cruel as last season when they brought the finalists out to see Shrek the Third with absolutely no sensitivity to the fact that Melinda Doolittle looks like Shrek. Myers shows up live on stage, does some stupid stuff, then Seacrest almost falls off the stage while riding a Roomba. These are all things that happen.

Syesha sings a duet with Seal!

They bring Jason out to sing "Hallelujah," and I literally fast-forward through it. Not that I thought that song was the worst performance of this whole season, but it's certainly the one I harbor the most personal vitriol toward, so I'm fast-forwarding it. I'm going to go ahead and take a leap of faith in assuming Jason hasn't learned how to sing since two weeks ago, and besides, I'm really enjoying this show so far (Mike Myers notwithstanding).

Ooh, a Ford music video! It's a montage of all of the heartwarming moments the top 12 have had... filming Ford music videos. It's a commercial memorializing the creation of other commercials. I like that. It makes me want to knit a picture of a sweater.

The top 6 ladies come out to sing a Donna Summer medley. Amanda Overmyer looks like she is in excruciating psychic pain at this moment, and just as she sings a lyrics that goes (paraphrasing), "Boww fow mow ma numbow maaaby," the Davids appear, escorting Donna Summer herself! She's got a diamond-encrusted microphone. I love her. She sings a song about stamping your feet. Ryan Seacrest joins a group of breakdancers. Paula's dress matches the top 6 girls'. Everyone's singing and stamping their feet. THIS IS SO AWESOME.

Carly and Michael Johns sing "The Letter," and it's fantastic. Then Jimmy Kimmel says a bunch of unfunny things, except when he refers to Simon's parents as "Rosemary and Satan Cowell," which I think is kind of funny not because of Rosemary and Satan but because I think it's funny that Simon has parents and a mum who probably bought him his first heather gray v-neck t-shirt.

The top 6 guys sing "Summer of '69," and boy is it gay. I can't explain why, it just is. It's like, when you have a row of six dudes singing together, there's only a certain category of topics you can have them sing about without it being totally gay, and "wistful nostalgia about my carefree youth" isn't one of them. You know what else isn't one of them? "Someone who is all that one wants when one is lying here in their arms." Which is exactly what the Davids duet on next. Umm, neat? I'm glad you both are finding it hard to believe you're in heaven, I guess? Then Bryan Adams comes out and David Cook is majorly cuddling him for most of the next song. Like, the shot keeps closing in on Bryan Adams and you can see this aggressive man hand planted firmly around his shoulder, then they zoom out and it's Cook. I once heard stories about how Ryan Adams used to get so pissed when people would mistake him for Bryan Adams, but I bet Ryan Adams is eating his words now that Bryan Adams is getting so assertively cuddled by David Cook. Take that, Ryan Adams! Bryan Adams is getting some major David Cook hand-on-shoulder action and all you've got is your stupid cover of "Wonderwall"!

David Cook sings with ZZ Top. Paula loves her some ZZ Top. I'm picturing the boardroom discussion that went into this duet.

"Okay, who can we stand David Cook next to that will establish beyond a shadow
of a doubt that he is the most attractive person in the world, rather than just
a borderline fuggo with a pasty complexion, beer gut, and all too recent
bleached combover?"
"Uh... ZZ Top?"
"Done. Call ZZ. He's in my fave five."

By the by, I hope there was a similar panel discussion about Archie that concluded with the decision to make him look hip and edgy by singing "The House at Pooh Corner" with Kenny Loggins.

Brooke sings "Teach Your Children" with Graham Nash. Where was all this awesome shit all season long?! I would pay money to see Brooke sing with Graham Nash! He kisses her hand at the end. Did I say best finale ever? Because: best finale ever.

Then a band plays that is kind of like a brunette version of Hanson in tighter pants. Ohh, they are the Jonas Brothers. For some reason I always thought "Jonas Brothers" was just one guy and that was his name. Kind of the opposite of how I thought "Carey Brothers" was a sibling duo, and not a guy's name. Speaking of brothers...

There is an audition montage. I'm totally uninterested unless they're going to show us the "We're Brothers Forever" guy. And they do. And he comes out on stage and sings with a marching band and some cheerleaders. I love this 98%, and the other 2% is me feeling so sad for whomever within the great Idol machine was charged with the task of scoring and notating "We're Brothers Forever" for a marching band. What a sad and sorry thing to have on one's resume.

One Republic comes out and sings "Apologize" with David Archuleta. It's Archuleta's best peformance ever. Seriously, it's so good that I stop despising him for the first time in fourteen weeks. He sounds great. He even sounds believable. Thank God he hasn't been performing like this all along.

Jordin Sparks. Still carries herself like a human incarnation of a grizzly bear. She sings a song about taking one step at a time and does some not at all embarrassing acting out of the lyrics. Gah. The only redeeming part of this performance is the shot of Blake Lewis singing along from the audience at the end of the song. He totally owns Jordin's album. He probably has that song as his ringback tone.

A video of Gladys Knight sings with Jack Black as a Pip, etc... it's no hologram Elvis, that's for sure. It's all kind of unnecessary.

Carrie Underwood performs some disgustingly country-music-affected country song while wearing the world's shortest jacket-dress. So there's that.

Then my favorite thing ever on Idol happens. If you guessed "George Michael medley," you win! They sing "Faith." Check. They sing "Father Figure," and David Hernandez gets the lyric about being "bold and naked" - nicely played, Idol. Then they all sing "Freedom," which is a) the best song in the whole wide world, and b) the last song Mike and I sang together at karaoke many months ago. Then George Michael comes out wearing sunglasses indoors and sings this insanely George Michael song about love and hate and your parents and fear and tiny shorts... it goes on forever, and honestly, if anything in this season of this show should be allowed to go on forever, it's George Michael singing this song in front of a backdrop of a glowing sunset. The only alternative I would possibly accept would be Elton John singing an eight minute long rendition of "The One." Which is what I am banking on next year.

Then Seacrest says some stuff and confetti rains down on David Cook's big stupid baby head. Finally.

Idol Top 3: SABOTAGE!!!

Tonight on Idol, despite Randy Jackson and the Idol producers' best efforts, Syesha Mercado was the best performer of the night. They gave her a song that she HAD to sing like Alicia Keys, they gave her a song that is impossible to perform well (some crap soundtrack song from a movie about penguins!), and they threw her under the bus right at the beginning of the show when they called David Archuleta a "high school student" and Syesha Mercado "an actress". I'm sorry, but in what bizarre world is David A some out-of-nowhere, aw shucks high school student and Syesha is this successful actress just trying out this whole singing thing for a bit. It's wrong!

Anyway, lets' get through this abortion that was once the best show on TV. As I mentioned they started out the show saying David A was a "high school student", David C was a "bartender", and Syesha was an actress. This should have been my first hint that the night was designed to screw over my favorite little underdog, Ms. Mercado. David Archuleta has been designed for this show. His father has raised him not as a human being but as a potential American Idol Contestant. To say hes just a high school student is basically a lie designed to excuse what will be a horrible night of performances.

So David A starts out the night and sings what is basically my favorite song of all-time, "And So it Goes" by Billy Joel. On the plus side he is not Carmen Rasmussen, who, in her defense, WAS Carmen Rasmussen. On the downside he ruins this song. He skips all the important heartbreaking lyrics like "But If my silence made you leave/Then that would be my worst mistake/So I will share this room with you/And you can have this heart to break." He instead just riffs the words "and so it goes" over, and over, and over again. It is as if he was trying as hard as possible to avoid any real emotional connection with the song, and simultaneously make me commit sepuku. Grade: FUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU.

Next up is successful actress Syesha Mercado. Randy chose "If I Ain't got You" by Alicia Keys and Syesha sings it really, really well. The only problem is it's a boring song that you pretty much have to sing like Alicia Keys. I'm sure the produces were pumped when Randy picked such a shitty song since they hate her anyway. Whatever, Syesha sang it much better than she did when she was on that other reality show a few years ago and sang the same song. Also she seems a little more personable this week. Oh one more thing! I know Syesha had a rally with tons of people just like Archuletta, I saw the pics, so why didn't they show it? Why does Archuleta get to hear his song choice from Yosemite Sam and Syesha just gets it texted to her in a limo...by herself. I'll tell you why, SABOTAGE!! Grade: A for Syesha; F- for American Idol

David Cook sings "First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" which is a brilliant choice by Simon because its totally something David can change up. David sings it really well. I liked it. I have nothing else to say about David but Randy says, "I wish Simon didn't pick something so predictable. It was so old-fashioned and you're a rocker." How is a Roberta Flack song for David C predictable? I'm sorry, did they change the definition of precitable? Ok, I just looked it up and no, no they have not changed the meaning of that word. Grade: A-for David C; F- for Randy

Next we get to the most hilarious part of the night. David A sings "With You" by Chris Brown. He uses the phrase "my boo" a bunch and fucks up all the lyrics to the only verse of the song he sings (but does manage to say something about having a hott little body). He bounces awkwardly while singing, it's a hilarious train wreck. Also, this marks the third time this season David has messed up the words, so I was sure the judges would finally say SOMETHING about it. I was wrong, they don't mention it at all! WTF!! Grade: A for Awesomely Awful

Syesha is up next and sings "Fever" and its is HOTT. Seriously, the way she sang the final note made me like girls for a second, it was that sexy. She looks AMAZING, uses a chair as a prop, and moves like a pro.. It's great...the judges hate it. After weeks of telling her they love it when she does stagy numbers they rip her apart...for doing a stagy number. SABOTAGE!!! Grade: A+ (seriously that last "burn" is giving me manly urges).

David C sings a Switchfoot song for his second choice. It's pretty lame. He doesn't sing the verse particularly well. It's boring. Gade: B

For the producers choice David A is singing Dan Fogelbergs "Longer". It's my parents wedding song, and, in their defense, this song sounds way less lame when it's sung by a hippie with a guitar. Because, let's be honest, this is awwwwfuuullll. David does sound very nice though, I'll give him that. Grade: Please let this be mediocre enough for David to go home.

In the final, and biggest, injustice of the night the producers chose a song for Syesha that is completely un-singable. It's some techno crap song with no melody that would, in real life, be sung by some no-talent hack like Cascada. It is in no way conducive to live performance in a singing competition and was meant solely to facilitate an All-David-Finale. It's from the frakkin' Happy Feet soundtrack! Grade: I am on strike and refuse to write any more about this season.

Photo Caption Contest!!!

"Hi Boys! Welcome to New York's #1 Gay Male Strip Club"

So that's my caption for this photo. Any others?

Idol's Top 4: What Would Rosa Parks Sing?

Tonight, Ryan's hair is coiffed into an incredibly pronounced diving board, and Randy is wearing the type of shirt that a man only wears after he has lost a bet. Seriously, he looks like a mannequin in the window of Big & Tall For The Utterly Garish Homeboy.

Ryan introduces the top 4, and explains that "they've learned the hard way that song selection is everything." Correct me if I'm wrong, but these particular kids haven't been sent home yet, so aren't they kind of... the definition of those who have not had to learn this lesson the hard way?

Meanwhile, at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland (Hi, Floyd!), we learn that David Cook is the pastiest man alive, in case anyone was unsure of that.

Cook, wearing a red deep v-neck t-shirt (that I swear he stole from Oprah), explains that he will be singing "Hungry Like the Wolf." It's lame. I really hate to say this, but you know who I really think I would have enjoyed on this song? Blake Lewis. "Hungry Like the Wolf" is kind of a boring song, and Cook does pretty much nothing with it. In fact, did that even happen?

Syesha gives a little interview about how she's excited for the tour, which she pronounces with two syllables: too-er. She's going to sing "Proud Mary." Well, good tos ee that no one will be stepping outside of their little boxes this evening. She starts off strong, and holy calf muscles! Go rewind the show to the beginning of this song, and check out those puppies. Okay, then she keeps singing, and then... OMG DANCE MOVES! That's what my notes say there. I kind of love this. Not because it's the best dancing ever, but because it comes off like she has seriously thought about this, and practiced exactly what she was going to do and when, at scheduled times each day, every day leading up to this performance. Syesha being incredibly intentional is just as hilarious and adorable as Brooke being incredibly unintentional. I love it.

There is a sign in the audience that says "Don't be shy, vote for Syesha." This makes next to no sense. Like, in what way is that a play on words? "Don't be a douchebag, vote for David Cook." That would be my sign, if I were in the audience. Because both of those things start with D.

Jason will be singing "I Shot the Sheriff." For what it's worth, it's a lot better than his last few performances, but it's still not interesting enough to stop me from idly checking my work email while he's singing. Afterward, Randy is a buffoon. Truthfully, Jason was no less memorable on this song than Cook was on his. Simon then uses the words "atrocious" and "massacre" to describe it, and the whole thing is really uncomfortable, with Simon and Randy generally acting pissed off about Jason's existence. I have no freaking time for this, guys, because I have been pissed off about Jason's existence since Week Two! It's not fair to pull this now, when you spent the first half of this show blubbering about how you could feel his soul and how great and authentic is it that he can't sing. I also sensed some weird Bob Marley disgust from the panel on this one, which is possibly interesting in the racially charged context of tonight's show.

David Archuleta describes "Stand By Me" as a song he likes to sing to himself in his room, you know, before Daddy lets him out for his daily calisthenics. Both interview segments from Archie tonight are massively creepy in that way. Now, picture the way David Archuleta would sing "Stand By Me" - that's how David Archuleta sings "Stand By Me." In critique, Paula reminds us that he's 17, which only creeps me out further because when I was 17, I was in college, and... look at this kid.

Oh good, we're back around to the start. Cook, please do something good. Earlier today I was looking at the list of 500 songs and joking that someone should do "Baba O'Riley" because there are minute-and-a-half stretches with no lyrics whatsoever, and guess what! That's what Cook's doing. He gives a totally respectable performance, doing everything he should have done with the first song. The only thing that's weird about it is at the end, where there should be some shouting and then a guitar solo, there's just one lone shout and then the song ends abruptly. I bet the studio recording of this one is going to be awesome, though.

Syesha is going to sing "A Change is Gonna Come." She explains that the civil rights movement was a very pivotal time in history, and she is singing this song during a very pivotal time in her journey on American Idol.

I'm just gonna let that one marinate for a little while.

It was so utterly amazing, that Mike is absolutely right, her kind of mirthful derangement belongs squarely in the Tyraverse. But then she sings the song, and she's the best, and Randy is a total moron, and Paula and Simon disagree, and Syesha sobs mightily and totally loses her shit, and that right there is HOW IT'S DONE, PEOPLE. That may have just been one of my favorite moments on this show, ever. There are so many things about this season that are supposed to be exciting, or different, or matter in some way, and right now the only thing that has truly captured my attention is watching one Syesha Mercado ferociously clawing her way into the finale.

Moving right along. Jason attributes "Mr. Tambourine Man" to Bob Dylan, then forgets half the words. He sounds like a subway musician on this song, and not even one of the good ones - if he were here in Boston they'd totally only let him play on the orange line. Again, Jason ruins the last note. You know, jumping an octave on your final note is not a requirement for these songs, in fact, they're not even written that way, so why do you keep doing it if you're not capable?

Archie is now going to sing a romantic love song. Oh noes! I completely tuned out during the song, but afterward Randy says he liked how Archie was "so tender and caressed each word," and I'm sorry, that sentence contains two words that I never, ever want to hear in conjunction with David Archuleta. I need to have my brain Windexed. Seriously. Disgusting. Let's not talk about it ever again.

Well, some surprising stuff tonight. I like to think Cook can escape getting Daughtry'd because his fans know better, but the other three contestants each created emergent situations for themselves tonight. I hope America has the mercy to put Jason out of his misery, I would be delighted with a shocking Archuleta elimination, and if Syesha goes home I may have an emotional breakdown of Danny-Noriega's-elimination proportions. What hath God wrought!?

Idol Top 4: You Wanna Be On Top?

Randy Jackson is waging a war against reason, judgment, and Paula Abdul's position as least useful judge on American Idol. He is single-handedly ruining my viewing of this show by using his reputation (as an accurate appraiser of singing talent) to pimp whatever contestant the producers tell him to pimp. Most important of all, he has, in what is truly the biggest 180 I have ever done with an idol contestant, made me root for Syesha Mercado. Let me say that again. Randy Jackson has turned me into a fan of the utterly insufferable, delusional, and #1 Syesha Mercado fan: Syesha Mercado.

With that in mind it is Ms. Mercado gets the spotlight tonight (at least on this blog). I used Tyra Banks' tag line from Top Model as the title of this post because I feel that Syesha is on the wrong reality television program. Seriously, anyone who says things like, "I can't wait to meet aaaaaalllll my faaaans", and "She was the only person who really understood me", needs some Tyra lovin' pronto. She's just the type of neurotic, awkward, insane contestant (you know, the kind that compares their path on AI to the fucking civil rights movement) that Tyra so craves to nourish. So how has this girl become my favorite Idol contestant?

It's really two-fold. 1) Syesha has been the best contestant on stage for the past three weeks. I'm being serious! Starting with Andrew Lloyd Webber she has been consistently great. Particularly tonight, she poured her heart out on that stage when she sang "A Change is Gonna Come". It was the first time I actually felt like I saw a real person. It was so strong I even forgave her for, I have to bring this up again, comparing her Idol journey to the plight of southern blacks in the late 1960's. And then 2) The judges insist on down-playing her performances because they are obsessed with an All-David-Finale. This biggest culprit is Randy Jackson who either tells Syesha was fine, or ok, when she was in fact great, or tells her she was bad when she was great. If I have to listen to another "molten hot lava bomb" comment from Randy, after a laaaaaame little David performance I'm going to scream. So maybe it's more a hatred for Randy and this little David pimping, but I'm pulling for Syesha to make it to the finals (even though I know she won't...)

In regards to the other contestants I will say: Jason Castro was hilariously awful, David A was boring, and David C well...I worry about him tomorrow night. Don't get me wrong he sang very well. He just didn't do anything special with his songs. He's set such a high bar, changing songs around and really being as much as an artist you can be on Idol, that I worry his fans might not vote for him because he was good, or vote for him because they feel he's in trouble.

So I say a bottom 2 of Jason and David C tomorrow with a shocking exit of Mr. Cook. Of course, if Randy has his way, we'll just eliminate everyone except David Archuletta and he can just put on concerts for the next 2 weeks.

Idol Top 5: My genius has come alive, like toys when your back is turned!

So that line from above is actually a quote from 30 Rock, but it's also what I imagine David Cook says to himself every time he "re-imagines" a song, and I certainly hope it's what the Idol producers said to themselves after deciding the judges would only be speaking once despite the Idols performing twice. On the downside we only get so much time to soak up Paula's outfit, which can only be described as an extras costume from the prom scene in Teen Witch.

After a quick retrospective on Neil Diamond's career, including a line where Ryan appears to mockingly comment on Neil's "artistry" while the video simultaneously shows Mr. Diamond in various sequenced fringe-lined jackets, we get right into the action. In honor of Paula's outfit, and the genius that is Teen With, I will be grading the performances tonight based on their corresponding musical number from the hit 80's teen musical: Top That (totally awesome); Most Popular Girl (fine but nothing outstanding); My Finest Hour (kinda boring and blah); Madame Serena (...yikes); and I Like Boys (the single greatest thing I have ever witnessed in my entire existence on this planet).

Jason Castro is up first and I first have to say he lost a lot of points for me last week when he sang a version of "Memories" from Cats that would have sounded better if it was sung by an actual cat. Needless to say I thought his "Forever in Blue Jeans" was much better. It's also just an awesome song. Grade: Most Popular Girl

David Cook sings next and he manages to be smarmy, condescending, and off-putting in one 30 second interview with Ryan. Congrats David! David sings "I'm Alive" and its fine but the whole song I was wondering what the initials "AC" he has on his guitar, and now on his jacket, mean. Was this explained at one point? Is it Adult Contemporary? If it's adult contemporary I bet David Archuletta's dad is pissed because little David did not spend the last 3 months either singing Phil Collins songs, or turning Andrew Lloyd Webber songs into Phil Collins song just so David C could conquer Magic 106.7! Anyway...Grade: Most Popular Girl

Brooke White sings "I'm a Believer" and she looks kind of awkward, like she's a child holding a normal-sized guitar. She sounds fine I guess, you know, for Brooke. Overall I have to say it didn't do much for me except remind me that Shrek has forever ruined one of my favorite Monkees' songs. Grade: My Finest Hour

David Archuletta is singing both "Sweet Caroline" and "America" tonight, which should surprise NOBODY, as they are Neil Diamond's most adult contemporary, and lets be honest most lame, songs (interesting fact: Sweet Caroline was written about Caroline Kennedy...when she was twelve...ewww that's some Madame Serena shit right there). David is really uncertain of the pitch at the beginning of this song, not that any of the judges will call him on it. This song is played during the 7th inning stretch of every Red Sox home game so I spent most of this performance googling Fenway Park and shouting "SO GOOD, SO GOOD, SO GOOD!" Grade: My Finest Hour

Syesha is up next and....ahhhhhh!!!!! I HATE the audience waving their hands in a different rhythm from the song!!! Stupid, stupid audience. Anyway Syesha sounds nice and as she's the only person left in this competition who even slightly resembles the contestants that originally made fall in love with this show so I'm pulling for her a little bit now. Grade: Most Popular Girl

Next the producers go back on their word and let the judges speak anyway. On a positive note this produces the single-best Paula moment of the season (maybe of all-time?) when she accidentally gives Jason critiques for both of his songs...even though he had only performed one. Now, you could be cynical about this and assume the producers gave Paula notes on what to say for each performance and she accidentally read off both, but I like to believe that Paula actually hallucinated Jason's second performance. Apparently Paula's is on a bad trip tonight though because she did not like Jason's imaginary song. Grade for Paula: I Like Boys

Jason's second song is ridiculous because the tween mosh-pit is actually waving their hands 1.84 times faster than the song. Seriously, they're not waving their hands in double time, not in the actual time, but in some kind of awkward in between time that is simultaneously hilarious and infruating. It's actually so distracting that I had to watch Jason's performance 3 times before I could actually pay attention. Unfortunately for Jason I finally did hear it. Grade: Madame Serena

Smuggy McGiantbabyhead goes next and ofcourse is awesome...god damn it. His version of "Say" could totally be a Top 40 hit right now. It was just really, really good. Grade: Top That

Brooke White took Neil Diamond's advice and changed the word to her song from "I'm New York raised" to "I'm Arizona raised" which I guess makes the song more autobiographical but also makes the line "I'm stuck between two coasts" completely false. Whats coasts? The Pacific Ocean and Lake New Mexico? Anyway she sounds fine. I'm kind of over her. Grade: My Finest Hour

David Archuletta sings "America" and, let's be honest, this song was made for Kristy Lee Cook. You know bitch would have come out riding her horse (that she would have purchased with Susan b. Anthony coins and christian prayer), draped in the american flag, and she woulda sang that song "anywaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay". Archie does his best Clay Aiken-lite (Fey Aiken?) via the Kristy Lee propaganda machine. It all just finally pushes me over the edge into a complete dislike of this kid. Grade: Madame Serena

Syesha finishes up with "Thank the Lord for the Night Time". I thought it was great but ofcourse she's not in the producers plan for the finals so the judges downplay her talents just like they did with Carly who was consistently the best singer but was always told she was "just ok". Seriously, the producers have done everything but hold up a picture of a baby seal and say, "If you don't vote for an all David finale we will kill this seal and all it's brothers and sisters! We'll do it!!!" Whatever. Grade: Top That

OK so Syesha will probably go home, or Brooke or Jason. I don't even care. I have never said this about Idol, but can this season please be over?

Idol's Top 6: The Wal-Mart of Broadway

Meanwhile, I am absolutely wracked with jealousy about Mike's opportunity to schmooze with Marvita - Marvita of "maybe we gonn' be nekkid... maybe we gonn' be nekkid in coats!" fame.

But let me be the first to volunteer that I absolutely disagree about Brooke. That is, I agree with the judges. And I mean, maybe there's not much to do at this point, but I hate that it's like she has just given up on trying to sing well. Of course she's never going to have the range or the refined technique of some other contestants on the show, but she could at least try to breathe properly and support her voice and work on sounding more professional/mature with the capabilities she has.

Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself here! Welcome, it is Andrew Lloyd Webber night... and since fully one third of the remaining contestants aren't really good singers, the fact that this is going to suck should come as no surprise. Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber is in the audience looking a little like Prince Gerhardt at this time.

In standard fashion, I will be grading the contestants on the following scale: "Phantom of the Opera" (very good), "Evita" (passable), "Jesus Christ Superstar" (okay bordering on lame), "Cats" (utterly horrific), and "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" (you have got to be fucking kidding me).

Syesha is up first. I feel like I can start referring to them by first name only, now that we're down to six. She sings "One Rock & Roll Too Many," which I have never heard before, but just learned via Google is from Starlight Express. Which I have also never heard of. Fair enough. Syesha, by the way, is GREAT on this number. She really belongs to an earlier season of this show. She's wearing this smokin' outfit and sassily dancing around the stage flirting with Rickey Minor and the orchestra. You know, I don't like Syesha, but I have to give her credit for actually doing this theme justice instead of wussing out and avoiding the theme like everyone else has done week in and week out. I give her a solid Phantom of the Opera.

Jason whines and whimpers and hyperventilates (literally, he is gasping for air every every third word like he's on his deathbed) through "Memory." Randy says that he thought it was a musical and vocal trainwreck, but he liked the fact that Jason has dreadlocks. I'm just taking the notes here, folks. I agree with Randy, minus the second part, so I'm giving Jason an out-and-out Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

Brooke is next, and you can tell in the rehearsal footage that ALW hates her, which makes me feel kind of bad. He comments that none of the contestants seems to know the context of the songs they're singing, and this kind of blows my mind. I mean, you can't always track down the private diaries of a pop artist to find out what they really meant to communicate in a particular song, but the whole thing about songs from musicals is that there is, you know... an entire musical to help you figure out what the song means. It's not exactly classified information. Wikipedia that shit, please. Anyway, enough about Brooke, you know I'm giving her a Cats. Sorry, Brooke.

D'Arch has one thousand sisters, we find out right before his performance. He is singing "Think of Me," and it's nice to know he can't only sing Phil Collins style pop ballads; he can in fact also sing musical theatre numbers reimagined as Phil Collins style pop ballads. Cool. I wasn't blown out of my socks or anything, but I thought David did a serviceable and smart job with this song. He earns an Evita from me. Meanwhile, David's dad in the audience has recently traded in his signature douchey hat for an even douchier hat. Because this is the part of the competition where everyone needs to step up their game.

Carly is up next, which means David Cook is last. Man, I love this blustering, ham-handed show. Carly sings "Superstar," and I'm really conflicted on this performance... on the plus side, it's good. It's fun. It doesn't wimp out. Rickey Minor is busting a freakin' MOVE during it. On the other hand, she's chosen a key which puts the chorus of the song just barely out of her range, so I spend the majority of the time bracing myself for the inevitable destruction of her glottis. Also, Carly just cannot help looking like someone's mom doing karaoke. Granted, it's someone's mom who's really, really good at karaoke. You know, like Mike's mom, who they call "Mona" because she is so good at karaoke - true story. Anyway, due to my totally split feelings on Carly's performance, I can only give her rendition of "Superstar," fittingly, a Jesus Christ Superstar. David Cook then smarms us into the next commercial break...

David Cook is singing "Music of the Night," which Andrew Lloyd Webber points out is one of the most sexy songs he's ever written. This makes me laugh because ALW totally reminds me of someone's awkward dad in all of these rehearsal clips. David Cook is like, "Umm, thanks Dad?" His performance is quite good, and he hits all of the money notes perfectly and satisfyingly even if the rest of it comes off a little under-rehearsed. Randy calls it an "amazing vocal," which is just not true. The vocal was good, indeed it was surprisingly good, and far better than most other vocal performances tonight, parts of it were even great, but nothing about this performance was even in the zip code of "amazing." It's especially frustrating here because a truly amazing vocal on this song was clearly within David's natural ability (as opposed to Jason or Brooke), and he didn't quite make it happen - he also made the boring choice of keeping his delivery in the gray area between fabulous Broadway vocal and hip alt-rock styling, accomplishing neither of those aesthetics particularly well. Nonetheless, this is one of the only two performances from tonight I enjoyed, so David Cook earns the full Phantom of the Opera.

My overall verdict on tonight was that it was less good than Mariah week, more good than Idol Gives Back week, and overall about as enjoyable as one of Andrew Lloyd Webber's shows. Ooh, burn, Idol!

Just 1 Thing

OK, I don't have time to write a full recap right now because I'm going to MARVITA-FROM-AMERICA'S-NEXT-TOP-MODEL'S BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!!!! Yeah, take a few more seconds to digest that last sentence. As Marvita would say, "This ho be trippin!" And you better believe I'll be blogging about that shit. But, I had to make a comment about one moment from Idol tonight.

I loved Brooke White's performance. I thought it was awesome. And I don't think she messed up on purpose, but if she did it was brilliant because it only made me love her more. I've never disagreed so much with the judges. Even Paula was all hatin' on it. Maybe I have been duped. Maybe nobody agrees with me, but I loved me some Brooke White.

A full recap will be coming once I finish bumpin' uglies with some top models! In the mean time you can read my belated take on last week's performances! It has a hilarious story from my youth!

Idol top 7: Oh Man! Remember When Mariah Carey Was Awesome?!

Like Liz, I also felt slightly sad watching the shells of Paula Abdul and Mariah Carey blather on, incoherently, through their collective, drug-induced haze. Truth be told, when I was little I was more of a Janet Jackson fan than a Paula fan. In fact, funny story, I was 75% convinced that Paula was cheating off of Janet, like, in some kind of "how-to-succeed-as-a-female-pop-artist-test". It got so bad that when I was 8 years old I was in this $1 store with my mom and there was both a Janet Jackson and a Paula Abdul 1991 monthly calender, and I sat my mom down and showed her, month by month, how Paula was clearly just stealing all of Janet's awesome poses. "Like Paula could really think of posing on the beach with a beach ball," I said to my horror-stricken but trying to be supportive mother, "she's clearly just sending spies to Janet's photo shoots and copying the results!" I did however own two copies of Paula's Shut Up and Dance: The Remixes album, so my hatred for her ran shallow at best. I just couldn't resist a 7 minute techno remix of "Forever Your Girl"! And, honestly, what normal 8 year-old boy could?

But Mariah, oh did I love me some Mariah. Maybe it was the years of listening to Paula, and Janet, and Madonna, but when Mariah ripped into Vision of Love my love of divas was forever awoken. More importantly, her video for Someday taught me ALL the dance moves I used for the next 5 years of my life.

Anyway, again like Liz, I was bracing for the absolute butchering of my favorite Mariah songs (back before she started singing all the verses of her songs like Pebbles from The Flinstones). And I too was surprisingly happy with the results. Oh, excpet for that for the fact that nobody sang All I want for Christmas is You. That would have been amazing.

David Archuletta went first and there was a time I was obsessed with this kid in a completely inappropriate way. I've been trying to think what went wrong. I've decided it's like when you get an awesome and delicious cake for your birthday. The first piece is so good that you can't imagine ever having a better piece of cake, or too much of this particular confection. Ofcourse there's too much and you take the remaining cake home and, over the next few days, eat the rest. The problem is the cake never changes, and, after a while, you get used to it's tastiness, and you get a little tired of it. Not to mention the cake is getting stale and even if you were to eat a piece for the first time is still wouldn't be as good as when it was first baked. That's David Archuletta, a once delish cake that has become stale and of which we have eaten too much.

Next up is Carly Smithson who I explicitly told to sing something upbeat and fun that shows she can enjoy herself on stage. She screams "Without You"...son of a bitch.

I have officially forgiven Syesha Mercado for existing this season because of the end of this song. The part when she was like "vaaa-aaa-aaa-aaa-aaa-aaa-AAnishing, oooooooh, awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay", that was great. This season has been rough for me, what with the new focus on rockers and folk singers and 12 year-old ballad boys. But at least for this moment she reminded me of divas past. Unfortunately for Syesha, she's Syesha. So I see one more week tops.

I also agree with Liz on the whole Brooke White has never been able to sing songs like this thing. Are the judges seriously just realizing this now? Who have they been watching for the last several months? Brooke's schtick is to be awkward and folksy and sing like Carly Simon. I thought she was fine except when she screwed up playing the piano. But Brooke again did my favorite Brooke-White-thing which is when she tells the audience "it's ok, it's ok." I just love it because she seems like she's genuinely trying to dissuade an angry mob of her fans from storming the stage. It's wonderfully self-important.

So since I'm writing this now I know that Kristy Lee Cook got the boot. I'm sad about this because I had started to root for her in an underdog way. I would think, there's no way she could possibly be safe again. She is?! Huzzah! Also, next week is Andrew Lloyd Webber week and Kristy has clearly stolen all her awkward arm motions from "Don't Cry for Me Argentina" in Evita. It would have been so perfect for her. Alas, she's gone, but I'll remember her "foreeveeeeeeeeer".

David Cook was awesome. The end.

Jason Castro finished off the show. There was an awesome moment during his montage with Mariah where she gave him a melody he might want to use in the song and Jason looks shocked, SHOCKED, that Mariah Carey just said something musically intelligent to him. Seriously, he even comments about how "he actually liked it." Dude, I know you don't like pop music and are unfamiliar with this women's work, but c'mon! It's Mariah Carey! He acted like he just got great musical advice from Marlee Matlin. Anyway, I like Jason a lot and I really liked this song, however, I know lots of people whom I trust that hate Jason. Maybe I'm just hypnotized by his dreadlocks.

Ok so coming up is Andrew Lloyd Webber week. I think Carly Smithson will sing "I Don't Know how to Love Him", Brooke White will sing "Memories", David Cook will sing "Jesus Christ Superstar", Syesha will sing "Don't Cry for me Argentina", David A will sing "All I ask of You", and Jason will sing "Jellicle Cats"...obvs.

PS - that is a legit, non-ironic video of an actual broadway production of Cats. God, I hate you, Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Idol's Top 7: My pleas for more cancer on this show have finally been heard!

Tonight, Ryan reminisces about the "shockwaves" created by Michael Johns' elimination. Mariah Carey is in the guest mentor, and here are our Top 7. As the final show before the Idols start singing two songs apiece, the Top 7 show is probably, mathematically speaking, the most filler-tastic episode of the whole season. So Paula's word allowance has been doubled for the evening.

In an intro package about Mariah, we see her rollerskating, swimming, and taking a bath in various music videos, and we find out that she apparently has a five-octave range. Which is four and a half more octaves than Brooke White. So this should be fun. Mariah has shown up in the rehearsal space with her best pair of high waisted tapered sailor pants and her dog.

Here is what I love about tonight - and honestly, I love a lot of things about tonight, not least the fact that it fails to be the trainwreck I had steeled myself for. What I love about tonight is that here are Mariah Carey and Paula Abdul, two of these total musical giants of my youth, both on a show together two decades later. And they've both become these batshit insane pop culture sideshows in the meantime. Tonight's show makes me wish I had kids of conversational age, so I could tell them all about how when I was their age, Mariah Carey and Paula Abdul were awesome unironically. And that the best music video ever was the one where Paula and a rapping cartoon cat sang and tapdanced about how they were dating even though he liked the movies, and she liked TV. Who'd have thought they could be lovers?! Their relationship was just so unlikely! You know, because of their personalities.



Yeah, you're welcome.

David Archuleta is up first, to remind us that "When You Believe"... leather pants become acceptable for public wearing on television? Okay. He sounds fine, and miracles are happening or whatever, and I take this opportunity to go get a snack. I usually don't get a chance to have a snack so early in the show, so thanks, Archie! I liked your performance. It was delicious.

Carly Smithson sings "Without You," which has a seriously special place in my heart for having been featured in a little movie Mike and I were making about ourselves five years ago. I like Carly's voice except for when she's mercilessly abusing her upper range, which is exactly where the latter half of this song falls. Randy chooses this song on which to unleash this season's most incoherent judge comment to date. What he says, verbatim, is that it was "a little not quite loosey goosey for me." Paula, Randy is totally cheating off of your test!

I forgot Syesha Mercado was here. Is it too soon for another snack? She sings "Vanishing," and it's serviceable but quite flat a lot of the time. Simon uses her critique as an opportunity to randomly state that David Archuleta is the one to beat. Um... thanks for sharing?


Brooke White is singing "Hero." I disagree with the rest of the universe (read: Randy) here, and think the song was only okay until she got to the bridge and let loose, and then it was bitchin'. I think Brooke has been playing it way too safe vocally, and I like that she goes for it here. Simon points out that her voice was not really strong enough to carry the song... to which I can only respond, "Hi, welcome to having Brooke on the show." I'm glad it's taken them this long to realize she doesn't have a really good voice. I hope Simon has also recently noticed that those "Pogs" are certainly popular with kids these days.

Mariah Carey likes Kristy Lee Cook's version of "Forever" better than her own, and... so do I? Especially if you ignore the really awkward porny/dead faces she makes when she sings, Kristy actually does a really good job on this song. I officially like her. Don't get me wrong, I think she sucks, but I really have no objections to her continuing to be on the show. Kristy Lee, we are not in a fight. Please lend me a sparkly top this weekend.

My therapist tells me I can't write about David Cook anymore. Or his cute haircut. Or his brother who has brain cancer in the audience. Or his stirring, sexy man-tears. Seriously, I would be irritated at having been so manipulated by this show, but I'm too busy reverse-badooping that performance and weeping softly.

Jason Castro sings "I Don't Want to Cry" with some bongo accompaniment, and I continue to fail to care whatsoever. More rewinding to David Cook!

It'll be interesting to see who goes home. Obviously this show is so done with all the girls. Carly or Brooke could be in danger, but is Idol ready for two "shocking" eliminations in a row? Meanwhile, I would prefer for KLC to outlast Syesha. My bets are spread four ways among all of 'em.

Irish Eyes Are Weeping

Ladies and Gentleman, I would like to talk about my Dublin Dandy, my Belfast Belter, my Kilkenny KilCrooner, she's the Limerick lady with gams the size of Galway and teeth more crooked than a road in Tipperary: Carly Smithson!

It has come to my attention that many of you dislike, nay, despise, my Donegal Dame (ok i'm done with that now), and I understand. She has a great voice but, yes, she reeks of desperation when she's on stage. She just tries so hard, and it can become so very off-putting. She dresses, and looks, as Liz put it, like a 50 year-old divorcee and that whole "once had a recording contract with a major label and then her CD tanked" thing still lingers. But c'mon! When she's good she can be really good!

The judges don't even like her anymore! You can't argue that she's getting JordinSparks'd into the finale undeservingly, the Dawg is too busy creaming his manties over Archuletta, and Simon has major boners for David Cook. Speaking of the Archulator, he is the one who deserves all our ire for his pageant performances and songs about imaginary troubling life experiences he has never had. For the love of God, Kristy Lee Cook is still on the show! So can we cool it on the Carly hating? Because, and this is the most important part, she is #2 in my idol pool and I swear to jebus if you guys mess this up for me I will turn this blog right around and we will go home and there will be no Fribbles for anyone!

And so, for my Ballykissangel Babe (I promise that's the last one), here is how she can come in 2nd place this season on Idol. I view Carly much like Kat McPhee from season 5. Kat was considered a long shot around top 7 week, with front runners like Daughtry and Paris Bennet standing in her way, and Carly also has some major contenders standing in her path this year. Here is a short term goal for Mariah Carey week: sing something fun! Like maybe Emotions, or Fantasy. She just needs to keep it light and enjoy herself. Maybe if she stops furrowing her brow and making constipation faces when she sings people will warm up to her.

If she keeps it light during MC week I think she'll get somewhat back in the running and Syesha will get the boot. Then, during top 6 week, no matter what the category, I think Kristy Lee will finally get the boot as the truly crappy don't usually last beyond the top 6 (see kellie pickler). So now we're in the top 5 with the Davids, Brooke and Jason. It's at this point that hopefully Carly has achieved some long term goals: dressing like a young person, singing a string of happy songs, and changing her "if I lose I will kill myself in front of all of you" attitude. With these changes she can outlast Brooke at the top 5, survive the shocking elimination of David Cook in the final four, and squeak by Jason Castro into the finale. This would not be in the exact order I originally predicted but would still safely give me the office pool victory and isn't completely beyond reason.

On the other hand, Carly could scream "I'd Give My All" and get sent home tomorrow. But I'm holding out hope, that my Upper Grangerosnolvinshire....girl...will come through!

Idol's Top 8: "I caught something you may have done that's very inspirational on your hand."

That subject line is a direct Paula quote from tonight. I love that Paula is someone for whom being absolutely trashed leads to such sophisticated recursive syntax.

But more importantly, Paula has donned her best taupe sausage casing for tonight, so you know it's all going to be very inspirational. Because of this and in tribute to recursion, I will be adopting the highly technical "inspirationalityness quotient" rubric for grading this evening.

Michael Johns gets on stage right quick, and is once again sporting an oh-so-current cravat under his shirt. What is with this guy? He has chosen "Dream On" as his inspirational song, and... of all the songs in the world, seriously? He explains that this song is inspirational to him because he came to this country with a dream. Just like Fievel. It's just okay, until the end when he sings some high notes that sound not unlike a bunch of girls who have just received some interesting Tyra mail. Inspirationalityness quotient: a "Hang in there" kitten poster.

Syesha Mercado smirks a bit about how Ramiele was the only one of the group who really "got" her, and wow, what a slam to all of the other contestants! Clearly Syesha is just way too complex for them. And also loves herself enough to choose a freaking coronation song from a previous season of Idol for her performance this week. She does that screeching Mariah thing we all love so much, and then argues with the judges about whether or not it's fair to compare her to Fantasia, and it makes about as much sense as arguing that your Christopher Walken impression should not be compared to the actual Christopher Walken. I really hope Syesha goes home this week, because I think given the context that this song would be hilarious as a sing-out. Inspirationalityness quotient: a chain email containing a poem about prom night.

Jason Castro sings "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" in the style of that guy from 50 First Dates, and sorry Mike, I just didn't get it. I just can't get over Jason's gaspy breathing and dopey faces, though I didn't think the vocals were that bad. What I did find funny is that although this version of the song uses "wrong" lyrics (or really, the right lyrics in the wrong places) intentionally, the wrong lyrics Jason was singing didn't appear to be the same wrong lyrics as in the recording... which made it seem like he was just randomly singing lines. Oh, also I hate him. Inspirationalityness quotient: an advertisement for new diabetes medication.

Kristy Lee Cook sings a song about how she's still on the show even though no one is voting for her. Inspirationalityness quotient: a sheet of limited edition Eleanor Roosevelt postage stamps.

David Cook wears a weird white marching band jacket and sings an Our Lady Peace song. There are two of us living in this apartment, BTW, and we constitute a cumulative 40% of People On Earth Who Have Ever Heard This Song Before. It's an odd choice, and in absolutely the wrong key. As he finishes singing, David walks up to the judges' table, and then reveals to the camera very seriously that he has written the words "GIVE BACK" in Sharpie on the palm of his hand. OH NO HE DIDN'T. WOW. OH WOW. THAT MAY JUST BE THE SINGLE MOST SELF-INDULGENT THING I HAVE EVER SEEN ON THIS SHOW. WHOA. I actually have to pause the TiVo to gape and marvel at the absolute gall of something so obnoxiously, balls-out self-important. I literally can't believe he just did that. It's disgusting. I LOVE IT. Inspirationalityness quotient: a very special episode of My So-Called Life.

Carly Smithson is going to sing "The Show Must Go On," and unless she plans to outdo Paris Bennett's totally fabulous and bizarre showstopper of a performance from two seasons ago, I am not interested. In a refreshing departure from the style missteps of weeks past, she is wearing... oh, nevermind, it's high-waisted pants again. Do you realize how few letters away her name is from being transformed into "Carnie Wilson?" Carly, you are on notice. Inspirationalityness quotient: a roast beef sandwich (no chips).

David Archuleta thought long and hard about what he was going to sing tonight, and finally decided on "The Thong Song." Which should make us all a little bit more aware of the struggles faced by people in the world who are unfairly burdened by dumps that are like a truck. Inspirationalityness quotient: "The Thong Song."

Brooke White is singing a song from Mike's favorite album of all time. It's not bad, but it doesn't really work. She needs a piano or a guitar for this, because the song is just not interesting enough musically - and Brooke doesn't have enough of a stand-out voice - to sing it just standing there at the microphone. Her hair is also aging her about twenty years right now. Overall, I'm unimpressed. Inpirationalityness quotient: a betassled hospital gift shop bookmark telling the story of a single set of footprints on the beach.

In summary...

These songs were only "inspirational" in the very loosest sense. Most people reached for things outside the range of their actual talent. David Cook repulsed and delighted me. Curiously, there was less mention of Our Lord and Savior this week than last. High-waisted pants are still trying to convince us they're back. Aaand Syesha is a giant bitch. You could have skipped this one! Good night!

Top 8: David Cook's Hand DEMANDS You Give Back

So I, like Liz, must apologize for never writing about last week's Idol. I have a stupid incapacitating head cold that refuses to go away. On the plus side my illness has allowed me to skip a day of work (and write that awesome post about Battlestar Galactica!), and because the cold still won't go away I'm practically rolling on NyQuil. Seriously, I am like full-on Paula-Abdul-Season-4-clapping-like-a-seal-crying-when-Bo-Bice-sings kinda effed up right now. Soooo...this should be interesting.

Tonight is Idol Gives Back, so I am going to grade the singers based on how much their peformances make me wanna donate shit to people.

Michael Johns has really been on a roll lately which sucks for this guy ::points thumbs at self:: because he is not in the top 5 of my idol pool. My top 5, which I had to pick on the FIRST WEEK OF THE SEMIFINALS is 1) David Archuletta, 2) Carly Smithson, 3) David Cook, 4) Brooke White, 5) Jason Castro. Our pools works though that you only get points once the top 5 starts. You get 1 point for all the people in the top 5 you get right, 2 points for all those in the top four, and so on. Anyway my point is I'm excited Michael decided to scrap any kind of originality and just do a serviceable karaoke copycat version of "Dream On". Grade: Mabes I'll give some money to that homeless guy on 14th street who calls me "pretty lady" every morning.

Next up is Syesha Mercado. My favorite game with Syesha is to pick the schmaltzy over-the-top ballad she's going to sing before she tells us what it's going to be. You can try it at home it's fun! It's a lot like "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader" because you always know the answer. Syesha is also like "5th Grader" because she's absolutely infuriating. She breaks so many Idol rules with her performance of "I Believe". 1) Never sing an Idol Winner song because they suck and everyone associates them with that year's winner. 2) NEVER EVER sing a song that people associate with Fantasia because it won't be as good as her performance. 3) Do not sing "I Believe" because it sucks and was only good because Fantasia transcended when she sang it. Anyway tonight continues to go well for my top 5 prospects, and bad for Americans who enjoy music. Grade: "Give me that change back, crazy 14th-Street homeless man!"

Jason Castro sings Israel Kamakamiwo'ole's (take that Asia'h!) version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow". I can not stress how much I love this version of this song. My dad loves this song too. He listens to one radio station every Sunday morning because he knows they'll play it at some point in time, so he listens to that one station all morning. It's just heartbreaking, and uplifting, and perfect all at once. Needless to say I loved Jason's version too. In fact it was my first "Idol Moment" this season. Something I'll you tube forevs. Grade: How much do they need to provide irrigation for all of the Darfur region of Sudan? Because I'll pay for it.

So for the first time this season someone was pitchy during a song and Randy correctly told them they were pitchy. I knew Kristy Lee was here for a reason! She sang some song about God and praying and life being sucky but that's ok because God is the bomb.com. I'm excited that she sang passably because that means no sympathy votes and a potential elimination. But she did sing about God and praying so that could mean she's safe again. Grade: Ugh, fine, the change goes back to the homeless man.

David Cook considers himself the most important person in the world. Seriously he could not have been more self-important from his stupid white jacket, to his sad-face mugging for the camera, to his message written on his hand that he flashed to the camera "Give Back". More like give me back....those 90 seconds of my life...you just wasted. Asshole. Grade: I'm taking back my change AND I'm stealing the homeless man's shopping cart. I bet it's full of fun surprises! Seriously being homeless can't be that bad because you have that shopping cart full of crap you've been collecting forever. So when you dig through it's like christmas every time! Ooooo, new beer bottles! Someone's cashing these in and buying a twinkie! yaaaaay nyquiiiiiiiil.

What the eff is wrong with Carly Smithson? She was a lock for the top 2 and now she's dressing like a harajuku girl screaming Queen songs with no emotional connection. Sistah needs to step it up because she is #2 in my idol pool and daddy needs a new pair of kicks. Seriously Carly, what do you think I am one of those homeless people with their carts full of cool stuff? Not all of us have shopping carts full of coll stuff, Carly! Some of us need you to do well so we can win money in our office idol pools. Grade: I am willing to donate Carly some clothes and a few decent song choices...I bet I can find them in the homeless man's shopping cart.

David Archuletta has great diction...and I AM a sucker for great diction. I am also a sucker for this song (Robbie Williams "Angels"). He sings it fine, whatevs, the real important part of this sequence is a poster that is shown in the audience. The poster reads: Lick Those Lips. It has a picture of David Archuletta and lots of lips on it. It would be creepy enough if it was held by say, a teenage girl, but oh no. This sign is held by whats looks to be a 8 year old girl and her pedophile dad. Is Idol giving back to NAMBLA this year? Grade: I'd give a few old pairs of flair jeans to the goodwill.

The show ends with Brooke White, who's favorite album is Tapestry by Carol King. Tapestry is my favorite album of all-time. I thought Brooke sang this song just fine. It reminded me of a really nice high school talent show. Brooke and Paula share their love with one another...I share my love with NyQuil. Grade: I would donate some old VHS tapes to needy kids. Who wants the live-action "Rainbow Brite's Perfect Day at the Zoo"?!?!

OK, I think the bottom 3 will be Syesha, Kristy, and Michael Johns because they are the three people not in my top 5. Night!

Idol's Top 9: Jesus and Gravy

Please forgive me for being nigh on a week late with this Idol synopsis. Last Tuesday night I was otherwise engaged, and have been sitting on these notes for days now. I know it's all old news at this point, but to quickly summarize:

Randy wore a sweater. Paula wore a fleurchon. Simon wore a flowing leopard print sundress and some espadrilles.*

Dolly Parton wore lamé, announced that her songs were her children, and demonstrated the proper use of acrylic nails as a musical instrument. In other words, she was amazing.

Brooke White was way off pitch most of the time and wore some high-waisted sailor pants. Is it just me, or is this season of Idol getting its entire wardrobe from Talbots? Except for Ramiele, who is shopping at the Limited Too, obvs. The best critique Paula can muster for Brooke White is "you are Brooke White." Seriously. That's what she said.

David Cook got a haircut and looked like he had bathed recently. The fact that I find him attractive right now is threatening to disqualify me from being a person, so that's all I'll mention about that. He sings "Little Sparrow," Randy compliments him on "going into the false," and I'm sorry, that is not an actual expression in musical terminology. Paula then says the same phrase. These two are unstoppable. Simon, meanwhile, hates songs about birds.

Ramiele Malubay was so terrible that every single person in my office pool got points for predicting her elimination.

Jason Castro actually wasn't as bad as usual, but he makes such slappable faces. It's a lot better listening with your eyes closed. Ryan reassures him afterward that at least Paula liked it... and I still don't know in what world that's supposed to be reassuring.

Carly Smithson sang "Here You Come Again," which is Dolly Parton's best song according to my painstaking evaluation of hundreds of 20-second iTunes clips. Simon told her she dresses unflatteringly, which was a) rude, b) true, and c) MY job. She sounded really great, though.

David Archuleta closed his eyes for quite a while during rehearsal of his song, and that's when it occurred to me - I would like this kid so much more if he were blind. Think about it. He sings. Dolly cries. Banshees wail. Randy lies and says he was the best tonight. Yaaawn.

KLC sang "Coat of Many Coloreds." I mean Colors. Yes. That.

Syesha Mercado warbled through "I Will Always Love You," and it was overwrought and obnoxious as usual. Simon said he wished she hadn't gotten that song. So that makes all of us.

Michael Johns wore an ascot. It was all wrong, but it was all right. Since I'm barely familiar with any of these songs, they all sound interminable. Thank God I TiVoed Hell's Kitchen!

On results night, they all bopped around singing "9 to 5," David Cook was adorable, and

OH MY GOD IS THAT ROBIN MCGRAW IN THE AUDIENCE?! I THINK IT IS!! YES!! OH MY GOD!! I LOVE HER!!

Ahem. Anyway.

The dancing is hilarious. They're doing some elaborate step-touches. Onto the eliminations...

Michael Johns is safe, of course, because he was wearing a magic ascot. Archu-D2 is safe, because of the Lord. Carly is safe because Simon was mean to her.

There is a "call-in" Q&A with viewers at home, which we all know is taped ahead of time, because we wouldn't want to risk dealing with such non-stop excitement during the live show. Seriously, why won't they just stop this already?

The Clark Brothers perform. Who in the hell are the Clark Brothers? Apparently they won that show, So You Think You Can Be America's Next Great Top American Band Project (with the Stars)... or something to that effect.

David Cook had a spike in his blood pressure. He is safe (for now). Ramiele is in the bottom 3. her outfit is atrocious. KLC is also in the bottom 3, and has brought a sign to hang on her stool. I do not find this funny. What I do find funny is how, when there is one stool remaining adjacent to hers, she carefully straightens it like this is her own house. Hilarious.

Now there's a segment about all of the wildly successfully ex-Idol contestants who now live in Nashville. By which I mean Bo Bice, Bucky Covington, and Phil Stacey. Ah, so now I know if I ever lose track of a super-creepy Idol contestant in the future, Nashville should be the first place I look for them. Jason Yeager, where are you living these days?

Syesha is third to last in the call-out order, so she is safe. Jason and Brooke are last. Brooke makes her bottom-lip-out "sad face," and Simon imitates it. A+. Brooke is in the bottom 3.

Then Dolly Parton comes out and sings a song that, when I read the episode synopsis online, I thought was called "Jesus and Gravy." Unfortunately it is called "Jesus and Gravity." Lame. Dolly is wearing, I don't know... you know, it's kind of like a Dolly Parton Halloween costume. She's gone meta! Meanwhile, the best description of the song comes from Jacob in the TWoP recap:

Because this song is awesome, it literally makes no sense
whatsoever, it's just like namedropping these things without connecting the dots
for you at all. "I got Jesus, I got gravity, I got the weak and strong
gravitational forces and Jesus, I got BOGO at Payless, I got a canker sore, I
got a DVD of Grey's Anatomy Season Two and a sandwich. A tomato
saaaaaaaaaaandwich!"

Needless to say, Brooke and KLC are safe, Ramiele goes home.

Idol Gives Back is this week!



* "flowing leopard print sundress and some espadrilles" is my new word for "black V-neck undershirt," BTW.

Frakking Awesome

Almost 30 million people watch American Idol every week, over 20 million people watch a deaf lady try to dance on Dancing With The Stars, hell, over 1o million people watch America's Next Top Model, it's the most popular show on the CW (yeah I know being the most popular show on the CW is like being the world's tallest midget but whatevs). Anyway, I bring this up because a scant 2 million people watch what is by far one of, if not the, best show on television:

Wait! Don't run away! I know, I know the title makes you giggle, and yeah, I can hear you whispering, "Man, what a nerd" under your breath. But do not let the name Battlestar Galactica, or any memories of it's original, cheese-tastic, 1970's version scare you away. This is a total reinvention and it works. So what follows is my impassioned plea, 10 reasons why you should watch Battlestar Galactica (BSG):

1. This is NOT the 1978 Battlestar Galactica. That show had a cult-following; a horrible, nerdy, impenetrable, cult-following. If you weren't into the show from the beginning, the sight of hundreds of dweebs wearing robot helmets and talking about mythic warfare between humans and "cylons" probably didn't entice you to join up. Not to mention the fact that those dweebs didn't WANT you to watch. BSG became a Geek Badge of Honor. If you liked BSG you were really, truly, a social outcast. Also, the show itself was not good. Please never watch it.

2. This version is NOT just for scifi nerds. Yeah, it's on the scifi channel, yeah it involves spaceships and killer robots, but what it really is, once you strip away the location, and the overall plot, is an amazing TV Drama. The show focuses much more on the interaction between these characters than it does on new gadgets, or alien planets. It's not like Star Trek with it's weekly stand-alone episodes, always featuring a new alien-of-the-week. Everyone who watches this show cares just as much about the characters and their welfare as they do about discovering the answers to on-going mysteries. The black smoke monster never outshines the castaways on this ship.

3. Speaking of the characters, the actors on this show are awesome. Seriously, there are Oscar-nominated actors like Mary McDonell, and Edward James Olmos, and great young actors like Katee Sackhoff, James Bamber, and Grace Park. Not to mention guess stars like Lucy Lawless (yeah, Xena). Not only are they talented, they are given real human drama. I have been more moved watching these characters than I have by the characters on Grey's Anatomy, or Desperate Housewives.

4. All of this talk of great acting and human drama is not meant to argue that there is no action on BSG, or that it is void of science fiction, in fact, BSG probably has the best scifi writing, directing, and special effects ever seen on TV. Episodes can be packed with action: space battles, military ground warfare, harrowing rescues. And again it really does feature the best SFX that TV has ever seen.

5. The plot is very scifi, but that doesn't mean it isn't awesome. Stick with me here because it could be these next few sentences that send you scurrying to the latest repeat of Brothers and Sisters. In the universe of BSG humans have colonized 12 separate planets (they all started out on one called Kobol but they've moved out since then). They created intelligent robots called Cylons. The Cylons got self-aware and rebelled, as self-aware robots tend to do, and a war broke out between humans and robots. The war ends with a peace treaty and the cylons go off into their own part of the galaxy and are not heard from for 41 years. Unfortunately for the humans the cylons come back (they have evolved and look like humans now) and kill everyone. Everyone. They nuke every planet. Only 50,000 people survive and they have to constantly fight for their lives against the cylons. They are in search of a new home that is talked about in their religion called Earth. So there ya go, 50,000 people trying to find Earth and escape the killer robots.

6. The show uses scifi topics to tackle current events in ways other shows can't. First and foremost is the idea that the cylons look like humans and can infiltrate human society. It's a very pressing post 9/11 issue. Living in New York I know there can be a palpable fear that someone walking next to you on the street, or riding with you in the subway, could be a terrorist. As ridiculous or unfounded as those ideas are, they still exist. BSG tackles this issue with the new cylons, the new enemy, being just like us, being able to blend in. We, as a society, have started to fear and question our own, which is a scary path to follow. It also raises the issue of the dehumanization of the "other". Throughout the series we learn more about the cylons, and become attached to them, however, they literally start out dehumanized, they're robots. It's a commentary on the way we treat our enemies, how we make them pure evil, never learn their stories or try to understand their reasoning. BSG can directly tackle these ideas (and others like racism, freedom of speech, fair elections, capital punishment) because it is so detached in terms of its setting. It's a wonderful opportunity all scifi shows have but so few take advantage of.

7. There are powerful, hott ladies. They are everywhere on BSG. The best part is that it's not a statement. They're not saying, "Wow, look at these powerful female characters". They are just there. I love them. Here is a picture of their awesomeness:

8. There are powerful hott dudes. For all you ladies who need some man candy with your TV show I present:

This is Major Lee Adama (played by James Bamber), there are multiple scenes where he is equally clothes-free.

9. They use the word "frak". So this is probably the dorkiest reason I love this show. To get around the fact that they couldn't really swear because they were still on basic cable the BSG writers decided that instead of "fuck", these humans say "frak". You eventually get used to it becomes equally hilarious and effective. Also, you can use it in real life situations and not get in trouble. For example: "Frak you mom, I don't want mac n' cheese tonight" sounds a lot nicer than "FUCK you mom, I don't want mac n' cheese tonight."

10. Now that "The Wire" is off the air, it's probably the best show on TV. You deserve to watch the best show on TV.

Julia DeMato's Mom Better Check Herself

My oh my. I really have nothing to add to the excellent recap Mike posted below, except to say STEP ASIDE, JULIA DEMATO'S MOM, because there's a new Julia DeMato's Mom in town, and her name is Chikezie Eze's Mom.

You may remember Julia DeMato as the season two finalist who got in a total bitchfight with Kimberly Caldwell that same year during Hollywood week. But more likely, you don't remember Julia DeMato at all... instead, you remember her mom. You know, the one who would be featured in the Coca-Cola lounge every week, each time wearing a completely distinct and coordinating velour-tracksuit-plus-matching-scally-cap ensemble. Julia DeMato's Mom was truly unforgettable, made more of an impression on that season of the show than Ruben Studdard did, and was the inspiration for the "WWJDMD?" t-shirts Mike and I wore throughout the rest of college. Never again did an American Idol contestant's mom touch my soul quite like that... UNTIL NOW.

I love you, Chikezie's Mom. If I didn't have what can only be characterized as a profound mental illness, I would love you even more than David Cook.