So I, like Liz, must apologize for never writing about last week's Idol. I have a stupid incapacitating head cold that refuses to go away. On the plus side my illness has allowed me to skip a day of work (and write that awesome post about Battlestar Galactica!), and because the cold still won't go away I'm practically rolling on NyQuil. Seriously, I am like full-on Paula-Abdul-Season-4-clapping-like-a-seal-crying-when-Bo-Bice-sings kinda effed up right now. Soooo...this should be interesting.
Tonight is Idol Gives Back, so I am going to grade the singers based on how much their peformances make me wanna donate shit to people.
Michael Johns has really been on a roll lately which sucks for this guy ::points thumbs at self:: because he is not in the top 5 of my idol pool. My top 5, which I had to pick on the FIRST WEEK OF THE SEMIFINALS is 1) David Archuletta, 2) Carly Smithson, 3) David Cook, 4) Brooke White, 5) Jason Castro. Our pools works though that you only get points once the top 5 starts. You get 1 point for all the people in the top 5 you get right, 2 points for all those in the top four, and so on. Anyway my point is I'm excited Michael decided to scrap any kind of originality and just do a serviceable karaoke copycat version of "Dream On". Grade: Mabes I'll give some money to that homeless guy on 14th street who calls me "pretty lady" every morning.
Next up is Syesha Mercado. My favorite game with Syesha is to pick the schmaltzy over-the-top ballad she's going to sing before she tells us what it's going to be. You can try it at home it's fun! It's a lot like "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader" because you always know the answer. Syesha is also like "5th Grader" because she's absolutely infuriating. She breaks so many Idol rules with her performance of "I Believe". 1) Never sing an Idol Winner song because they suck and everyone associates them with that year's winner. 2) NEVER EVER sing a song that people associate with Fantasia because it won't be as good as her performance. 3) Do not sing "I Believe" because it sucks and was only good because Fantasia transcended when she sang it. Anyway tonight continues to go well for my top 5 prospects, and bad for Americans who enjoy music. Grade: "Give me that change back, crazy 14th-Street homeless man!"
Jason Castro sings Israel Kamakamiwo'ole's (take that Asia'h!) version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow". I can not stress how much I love this version of this song. My dad loves this song too. He listens to one radio station every Sunday morning because he knows they'll play it at some point in time, so he listens to that one station all morning. It's just heartbreaking, and uplifting, and perfect all at once. Needless to say I loved Jason's version too. In fact it was my first "Idol Moment" this season. Something I'll you tube forevs. Grade: How much do they need to provide irrigation for all of the Darfur region of Sudan? Because I'll pay for it.
So for the first time this season someone was pitchy during a song and Randy correctly told them they were pitchy. I knew Kristy Lee was here for a reason! She sang some song about God and praying and life being sucky but that's ok because God is the bomb.com. I'm excited that she sang passably because that means no sympathy votes and a potential elimination. But she did sing about God and praying so that could mean she's safe again. Grade: Ugh, fine, the change goes back to the homeless man.
David Cook considers himself the most important person in the world. Seriously he could not have been more self-important from his stupid white jacket, to his sad-face mugging for the camera, to his message written on his hand that he flashed to the camera "Give Back". More like give me back....those 90 seconds of my life...you just wasted. Asshole. Grade: I'm taking back my change AND I'm stealing the homeless man's shopping cart. I bet it's full of fun surprises! Seriously being homeless can't be that bad because you have that shopping cart full of crap you've been collecting forever. So when you dig through it's like christmas every time! Ooooo, new beer bottles! Someone's cashing these in and buying a twinkie! yaaaaay nyquiiiiiiiil.
What the eff is wrong with Carly Smithson? She was a lock for the top 2 and now she's dressing like a harajuku girl screaming Queen songs with no emotional connection. Sistah needs to step it up because she is #2 in my idol pool and daddy needs a new pair of kicks. Seriously Carly, what do you think I am one of those homeless people with their carts full of cool stuff? Not all of us have shopping carts full of coll stuff, Carly! Some of us need you to do well so we can win money in our office idol pools. Grade: I am willing to donate Carly some clothes and a few decent song choices...I bet I can find them in the homeless man's shopping cart.
David Archuletta has great diction...and I AM a sucker for great diction. I am also a sucker for this song (Robbie Williams "Angels"). He sings it fine, whatevs, the real important part of this sequence is a poster that is shown in the audience. The poster reads: Lick Those Lips. It has a picture of David Archuletta and lots of lips on it. It would be creepy enough if it was held by say, a teenage girl, but oh no. This sign is held by whats looks to be a 8 year old girl and her pedophile dad. Is Idol giving back to NAMBLA this year? Grade: I'd give a few old pairs of flair jeans to the goodwill.
The show ends with Brooke White, who's favorite album is Tapestry by Carol King. Tapestry is my favorite album of all-time. I thought Brooke sang this song just fine. It reminded me of a really nice high school talent show. Brooke and Paula share their love with one another...I share my love with NyQuil. Grade: I would donate some old VHS tapes to needy kids. Who wants the live-action "Rainbow Brite's Perfect Day at the Zoo"?!?!
OK, I think the bottom 3 will be Syesha, Kristy, and Michael Johns because they are the three people not in my top 5. Night!
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