Like Liz, I also felt slightly sad watching the shells of Paula Abdul and Mariah Carey blather on, incoherently, through their collective, drug-induced haze. Truth be told, when I was little I was more of a Janet Jackson fan than a Paula fan. In fact, funny story, I was 75% convinced that Paula was cheating off of Janet, like, in some kind of "how-to-succeed-as-a-female-pop-artist-test". It got so bad that when I was 8 years old I was in this $1 store with my mom and there was both a Janet Jackson and a Paula Abdul 1991 monthly calender, and I sat my mom down and showed her, month by month, how Paula was clearly just stealing all of Janet's awesome poses. "Like Paula could really think of posing on the beach with a beach ball," I said to my horror-stricken but trying to be supportive mother, "she's clearly just sending spies to Janet's photo shoots and copying the results!" I did however own two copies of Paula's Shut Up and Dance: The Remixes album, so my hatred for her ran shallow at best. I just couldn't resist a 7 minute techno remix of "Forever Your Girl"! And, honestly, what normal 8 year-old boy could?
But Mariah, oh did I love me some Mariah. Maybe it was the years of listening to Paula, and Janet, and Madonna, but when Mariah ripped into Vision of Love my love of divas was forever awoken. More importantly, her video for Someday taught me ALL the dance moves I used for the next 5 years of my life.
Anyway, again like Liz, I was bracing for the absolute butchering of my favorite Mariah songs (back before she started singing all the verses of her songs like Pebbles from The Flinstones). And I too was surprisingly happy with the results. Oh, excpet for that for the fact that nobody sang All I want for Christmas is You. That would have been amazing.
David Archuletta went first and there was a time I was obsessed with this kid in a completely inappropriate way. I've been trying to think what went wrong. I've decided it's like when you get an awesome and delicious cake for your birthday. The first piece is so good that you can't imagine ever having a better piece of cake, or too much of this particular confection. Ofcourse there's too much and you take the remaining cake home and, over the next few days, eat the rest. The problem is the cake never changes, and, after a while, you get used to it's tastiness, and you get a little tired of it. Not to mention the cake is getting stale and even if you were to eat a piece for the first time is still wouldn't be as good as when it was first baked. That's David Archuletta, a once delish cake that has become stale and of which we have eaten too much.
Next up is Carly Smithson who I explicitly told to sing something upbeat and fun that shows she can enjoy herself on stage. She screams "Without You"...son of a bitch.
I have officially forgiven Syesha Mercado for existing this season because of the end of this song. The part when she was like "vaaa-aaa-aaa-aaa-aaa-aaa-AAnishing, oooooooh, awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay", that was great. This season has been rough for me, what with the new focus on rockers and folk singers and 12 year-old ballad boys. But at least for this moment she reminded me of divas past. Unfortunately for Syesha, she's Syesha. So I see one more week tops.
I also agree with Liz on the whole Brooke White has never been able to sing songs like this thing. Are the judges seriously just realizing this now? Who have they been watching for the last several months? Brooke's schtick is to be awkward and folksy and sing like Carly Simon. I thought she was fine except when she screwed up playing the piano. But Brooke again did my favorite Brooke-White-thing which is when she tells the audience "it's ok, it's ok." I just love it because she seems like she's genuinely trying to dissuade an angry mob of her fans from storming the stage. It's wonderfully self-important.
So since I'm writing this now I know that Kristy Lee Cook got the boot. I'm sad about this because I had started to root for her in an underdog way. I would think, there's no way she could possibly be safe again. She is?! Huzzah! Also, next week is Andrew Lloyd Webber week and Kristy has clearly stolen all her awkward arm motions from "Don't Cry for Me Argentina" in Evita. It would have been so perfect for her. Alas, she's gone, but I'll remember her "foreeveeeeeeeeer".
David Cook was awesome. The end.
Jason Castro finished off the show. There was an awesome moment during his montage with Mariah where she gave him a melody he might want to use in the song and Jason looks shocked, SHOCKED, that Mariah Carey just said something musically intelligent to him. Seriously, he even comments about how "he actually liked it." Dude, I know you don't like pop music and are unfamiliar with this women's work, but c'mon! It's Mariah Carey! He acted like he just got great musical advice from Marlee Matlin. Anyway, I like Jason a lot and I really liked this song, however, I know lots of people whom I trust that hate Jason. Maybe I'm just hypnotized by his dreadlocks.
Ok so coming up is Andrew Lloyd Webber week. I think Carly Smithson will sing "I Don't Know how to Love Him", Brooke White will sing "Memories", David Cook will sing "Jesus Christ Superstar", Syesha will sing "Don't Cry for me Argentina", David A will sing "All I ask of You", and Jason will sing "Jellicle Cats"...obvs.
PS - that is a legit, non-ironic video of an actual broadway production of Cats. God, I hate you, Andrew Lloyd Webber.
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