Idol's Top 7: My pleas for more cancer on this show have finally been heard!

Tonight, Ryan reminisces about the "shockwaves" created by Michael Johns' elimination. Mariah Carey is in the guest mentor, and here are our Top 7. As the final show before the Idols start singing two songs apiece, the Top 7 show is probably, mathematically speaking, the most filler-tastic episode of the whole season. So Paula's word allowance has been doubled for the evening.

In an intro package about Mariah, we see her rollerskating, swimming, and taking a bath in various music videos, and we find out that she apparently has a five-octave range. Which is four and a half more octaves than Brooke White. So this should be fun. Mariah has shown up in the rehearsal space with her best pair of high waisted tapered sailor pants and her dog.

Here is what I love about tonight - and honestly, I love a lot of things about tonight, not least the fact that it fails to be the trainwreck I had steeled myself for. What I love about tonight is that here are Mariah Carey and Paula Abdul, two of these total musical giants of my youth, both on a show together two decades later. And they've both become these batshit insane pop culture sideshows in the meantime. Tonight's show makes me wish I had kids of conversational age, so I could tell them all about how when I was their age, Mariah Carey and Paula Abdul were awesome unironically. And that the best music video ever was the one where Paula and a rapping cartoon cat sang and tapdanced about how they were dating even though he liked the movies, and she liked TV. Who'd have thought they could be lovers?! Their relationship was just so unlikely! You know, because of their personalities.



Yeah, you're welcome.

David Archuleta is up first, to remind us that "When You Believe"... leather pants become acceptable for public wearing on television? Okay. He sounds fine, and miracles are happening or whatever, and I take this opportunity to go get a snack. I usually don't get a chance to have a snack so early in the show, so thanks, Archie! I liked your performance. It was delicious.

Carly Smithson sings "Without You," which has a seriously special place in my heart for having been featured in a little movie Mike and I were making about ourselves five years ago. I like Carly's voice except for when she's mercilessly abusing her upper range, which is exactly where the latter half of this song falls. Randy chooses this song on which to unleash this season's most incoherent judge comment to date. What he says, verbatim, is that it was "a little not quite loosey goosey for me." Paula, Randy is totally cheating off of your test!

I forgot Syesha Mercado was here. Is it too soon for another snack? She sings "Vanishing," and it's serviceable but quite flat a lot of the time. Simon uses her critique as an opportunity to randomly state that David Archuleta is the one to beat. Um... thanks for sharing?


Brooke White is singing "Hero." I disagree with the rest of the universe (read: Randy) here, and think the song was only okay until she got to the bridge and let loose, and then it was bitchin'. I think Brooke has been playing it way too safe vocally, and I like that she goes for it here. Simon points out that her voice was not really strong enough to carry the song... to which I can only respond, "Hi, welcome to having Brooke on the show." I'm glad it's taken them this long to realize she doesn't have a really good voice. I hope Simon has also recently noticed that those "Pogs" are certainly popular with kids these days.

Mariah Carey likes Kristy Lee Cook's version of "Forever" better than her own, and... so do I? Especially if you ignore the really awkward porny/dead faces she makes when she sings, Kristy actually does a really good job on this song. I officially like her. Don't get me wrong, I think she sucks, but I really have no objections to her continuing to be on the show. Kristy Lee, we are not in a fight. Please lend me a sparkly top this weekend.

My therapist tells me I can't write about David Cook anymore. Or his cute haircut. Or his brother who has brain cancer in the audience. Or his stirring, sexy man-tears. Seriously, I would be irritated at having been so manipulated by this show, but I'm too busy reverse-badooping that performance and weeping softly.

Jason Castro sings "I Don't Want to Cry" with some bongo accompaniment, and I continue to fail to care whatsoever. More rewinding to David Cook!

It'll be interesting to see who goes home. Obviously this show is so done with all the girls. Carly or Brooke could be in danger, but is Idol ready for two "shocking" eliminations in a row? Meanwhile, I would prefer for KLC to outlast Syesha. My bets are spread four ways among all of 'em.