Blogging SYTYCD

The Jamboree would like to thank Ted at Blogging SYTYCD for linking to us in this week's round-up of SYTYCD news. Check that blog for more thorough discussion of the best show in the world than we could ever hope to achieve. Thanks, Ted!

SYTYCD: Four Unintentionally Hilarious Dances

So, I was thinking I'd celebrate the return of the best show in the world by providing a few video clips of what are, in my esteem, some of the best and worst dances in all three seasons of the show. Then I scrapped that idea because frankly, there are too many "best" dances, and even the "worst" dances are still good... especially to someone like me, whose dancing best resembles the Hamburgular trying to make a break for it.

What SYTYCD has in spades, however, are routines that are not necessarily bad but are unintentionally laugh out loud funny. Intentionally funny routines do not qualify for this distinction, so Tranji didn't make the cut. Here are my Top Four Unintentionally Hilarious Dances:

4. "Push It," Sara and Danny, Season 3
This routine got totally panned on the show. It wasn't actually bad, but the costuming was pretty cruel. Unintentionally funny because Danny was one of the most stoic, serious performers in that collection of finalists, and watching him do this choreography in this outfit was the same kind of funny you get when you dress a cat in doll clothes. Not that I love doing that.

3. "The Scream Heard 'Round the World," Dmitry, Season 2
This solo was Dmitry's last-ditch effort not to get voted off the show after he had assisted in the elimination of something like four consecutive partners. When this originally aired, Mike and I watched it with our three roommates, and like magic, all five of us let out an exactly pitch-matched squeal at the end. The funniest thing to me in retrospect is that Dmitry rips off his shirt after the music has already ended. Like, "Oh... and THIS!" I love him so much.

2. "Late Night in the J.C. Penney Stockroom," Pasha, Season 3
Okay, so Pasha is a Latin specialist. He usually dances with a partner. I think the intended effect here was "I'll dance with a mannequin so my solo resembles a partner dance." Now, imagine how that would come off in reality: that is exactly how it goes. The whole thing is balls-out ridiculous. Then he does an impromptu roundoff at the end... for no reason.

1. "Flashdance," Ashlee and Ben, Season 2
It's the very first performance show of Season 2, and the most awkward looking couple on the show draws "80s Disco" as their genre. Is that even a genre? And the music is "Flashdance." And it's choreographed by Doriana Sanchez, and accordingly features some of the most copious cunniliftus ever seen. This routine was just so, so mean. Introducing it, even Cat knows we're about to witness an absolute travesty. This is probably one of my favorite routines in all three seasons of the show, because the two of them are such damn good sports about something so pointedy intended to wreak misery on everyone involved. And isn't that what dancing is all about?

Apocalypse Now: The Real World comes to Brooklyn

Oh Christ. So the rumor is MTV's classic (re: wicked old) reality TV series is coming to...Brooklyn. If the rumors are true it's coming to my home turf of Williamsburg, Brooklyn to be exact. Now, at the rate my current neighb is gentrifying I guess I can't say I'm totally surprised that MTV would leach onto it's aura of urban hipster glam. But seriously? The Real World? I think we have a new definition of when an up-and-coming area jumps the shark. The previous definition was: The CW's 'Gossip Girl' uses your neighborhood as it's location for the family "from the wrong side of the tracks."

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Anyway, I hope the updated sign above makes the 20-something wannabe singers and actors (and maybe prostitutes? have we moved onto them yet?) feel right at home! Welcome to the neighborhood!

SYTYCD!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know if i'll be able to blog about this show, as I am completely obsessed with it in a totally non-ironic way (mabes I'll just write about my love for Cat Deeley...). Anyway, this post is merely here to celebrate its glorious return to TV last night.

HUZZAH!!!!

Idol Finale: I'd rather live in David Cook's world than live without him in mine.

I want to apologize first of all for not blogging about last night's show, especially to Erin, who tells me she checks the Jamboree every single day to see if I've said something hilarious. I didn't blog about last night's show, and there were two reasons for that:

1. I was still really torn up about the House finale.
2. I really thought Cook was about to lose American Idol to a kid wearing a "graphic tee."

Apparently the universe holds no grudges against me for this, because it went on to deliver the best Idol finale in the history of time, ever. I will now enumerate the happenings.

I'm psyched going in because I know it's going to be a full sixteen minutes before the judges are allowed to utter a single word, and I know this is for the best because Randy is dressed like Colonel Sanders. Ryan introduces Cook, who is wearing a white suit, and Archuleta, who is wearing a white t-shirt. Archuleta, what is wrong with you that you couldn't at least wear something with a collar on an occasion this momentous? Forget it, that's clearly the least of your problems.

Footage from Kansas City, Missouri, anchored by Mikalah Gordon (click on that link if you hate yourself) is followed by footage from Salt Lake City, anchored by Matt Rogers. Who the hell is Matt Rogers? If you have TiVo, go back and check out the girls behind Rogers in this shot, because they are TERRIFYING.

The top 12 wear matching white outfits and sing together, with the SYTYCD kids from last season dancing. If you know me, you know that this is a combination of two of my favorite things in the world (matching outfits and So You Think You Can Dance), and we're only five minutes into the show, people! Cook and Archuleta duet on "Hero," and they actually both sound great.

Then Mike Myers comes along and ruins everything. He's in some movie about a guru, and there are midgets in the movie. Cook and Archuleta are captured on film laughing at this movie and I start to like them both a little bit less. Oh well, at least it's not as cruel as last season when they brought the finalists out to see Shrek the Third with absolutely no sensitivity to the fact that Melinda Doolittle looks like Shrek. Myers shows up live on stage, does some stupid stuff, then Seacrest almost falls off the stage while riding a Roomba. These are all things that happen.

Syesha sings a duet with Seal!

They bring Jason out to sing "Hallelujah," and I literally fast-forward through it. Not that I thought that song was the worst performance of this whole season, but it's certainly the one I harbor the most personal vitriol toward, so I'm fast-forwarding it. I'm going to go ahead and take a leap of faith in assuming Jason hasn't learned how to sing since two weeks ago, and besides, I'm really enjoying this show so far (Mike Myers notwithstanding).

Ooh, a Ford music video! It's a montage of all of the heartwarming moments the top 12 have had... filming Ford music videos. It's a commercial memorializing the creation of other commercials. I like that. It makes me want to knit a picture of a sweater.

The top 6 ladies come out to sing a Donna Summer medley. Amanda Overmyer looks like she is in excruciating psychic pain at this moment, and just as she sings a lyrics that goes (paraphrasing), "Boww fow mow ma numbow maaaby," the Davids appear, escorting Donna Summer herself! She's got a diamond-encrusted microphone. I love her. She sings a song about stamping your feet. Ryan Seacrest joins a group of breakdancers. Paula's dress matches the top 6 girls'. Everyone's singing and stamping their feet. THIS IS SO AWESOME.

Carly and Michael Johns sing "The Letter," and it's fantastic. Then Jimmy Kimmel says a bunch of unfunny things, except when he refers to Simon's parents as "Rosemary and Satan Cowell," which I think is kind of funny not because of Rosemary and Satan but because I think it's funny that Simon has parents and a mum who probably bought him his first heather gray v-neck t-shirt.

The top 6 guys sing "Summer of '69," and boy is it gay. I can't explain why, it just is. It's like, when you have a row of six dudes singing together, there's only a certain category of topics you can have them sing about without it being totally gay, and "wistful nostalgia about my carefree youth" isn't one of them. You know what else isn't one of them? "Someone who is all that one wants when one is lying here in their arms." Which is exactly what the Davids duet on next. Umm, neat? I'm glad you both are finding it hard to believe you're in heaven, I guess? Then Bryan Adams comes out and David Cook is majorly cuddling him for most of the next song. Like, the shot keeps closing in on Bryan Adams and you can see this aggressive man hand planted firmly around his shoulder, then they zoom out and it's Cook. I once heard stories about how Ryan Adams used to get so pissed when people would mistake him for Bryan Adams, but I bet Ryan Adams is eating his words now that Bryan Adams is getting so assertively cuddled by David Cook. Take that, Ryan Adams! Bryan Adams is getting some major David Cook hand-on-shoulder action and all you've got is your stupid cover of "Wonderwall"!

David Cook sings with ZZ Top. Paula loves her some ZZ Top. I'm picturing the boardroom discussion that went into this duet.

"Okay, who can we stand David Cook next to that will establish beyond a shadow
of a doubt that he is the most attractive person in the world, rather than just
a borderline fuggo with a pasty complexion, beer gut, and all too recent
bleached combover?"
"Uh... ZZ Top?"
"Done. Call ZZ. He's in my fave five."

By the by, I hope there was a similar panel discussion about Archie that concluded with the decision to make him look hip and edgy by singing "The House at Pooh Corner" with Kenny Loggins.

Brooke sings "Teach Your Children" with Graham Nash. Where was all this awesome shit all season long?! I would pay money to see Brooke sing with Graham Nash! He kisses her hand at the end. Did I say best finale ever? Because: best finale ever.

Then a band plays that is kind of like a brunette version of Hanson in tighter pants. Ohh, they are the Jonas Brothers. For some reason I always thought "Jonas Brothers" was just one guy and that was his name. Kind of the opposite of how I thought "Carey Brothers" was a sibling duo, and not a guy's name. Speaking of brothers...

There is an audition montage. I'm totally uninterested unless they're going to show us the "We're Brothers Forever" guy. And they do. And he comes out on stage and sings with a marching band and some cheerleaders. I love this 98%, and the other 2% is me feeling so sad for whomever within the great Idol machine was charged with the task of scoring and notating "We're Brothers Forever" for a marching band. What a sad and sorry thing to have on one's resume.

One Republic comes out and sings "Apologize" with David Archuleta. It's Archuleta's best peformance ever. Seriously, it's so good that I stop despising him for the first time in fourteen weeks. He sounds great. He even sounds believable. Thank God he hasn't been performing like this all along.

Jordin Sparks. Still carries herself like a human incarnation of a grizzly bear. She sings a song about taking one step at a time and does some not at all embarrassing acting out of the lyrics. Gah. The only redeeming part of this performance is the shot of Blake Lewis singing along from the audience at the end of the song. He totally owns Jordin's album. He probably has that song as his ringback tone.

A video of Gladys Knight sings with Jack Black as a Pip, etc... it's no hologram Elvis, that's for sure. It's all kind of unnecessary.

Carrie Underwood performs some disgustingly country-music-affected country song while wearing the world's shortest jacket-dress. So there's that.

Then my favorite thing ever on Idol happens. If you guessed "George Michael medley," you win! They sing "Faith." Check. They sing "Father Figure," and David Hernandez gets the lyric about being "bold and naked" - nicely played, Idol. Then they all sing "Freedom," which is a) the best song in the whole wide world, and b) the last song Mike and I sang together at karaoke many months ago. Then George Michael comes out wearing sunglasses indoors and sings this insanely George Michael song about love and hate and your parents and fear and tiny shorts... it goes on forever, and honestly, if anything in this season of this show should be allowed to go on forever, it's George Michael singing this song in front of a backdrop of a glowing sunset. The only alternative I would possibly accept would be Elton John singing an eight minute long rendition of "The One." Which is what I am banking on next year.

Then Seacrest says some stuff and confetti rains down on David Cook's big stupid baby head. Finally.

Idol Top 3: SABOTAGE!!!

Tonight on Idol, despite Randy Jackson and the Idol producers' best efforts, Syesha Mercado was the best performer of the night. They gave her a song that she HAD to sing like Alicia Keys, they gave her a song that is impossible to perform well (some crap soundtrack song from a movie about penguins!), and they threw her under the bus right at the beginning of the show when they called David Archuleta a "high school student" and Syesha Mercado "an actress". I'm sorry, but in what bizarre world is David A some out-of-nowhere, aw shucks high school student and Syesha is this successful actress just trying out this whole singing thing for a bit. It's wrong!

Anyway, lets' get through this abortion that was once the best show on TV. As I mentioned they started out the show saying David A was a "high school student", David C was a "bartender", and Syesha was an actress. This should have been my first hint that the night was designed to screw over my favorite little underdog, Ms. Mercado. David Archuleta has been designed for this show. His father has raised him not as a human being but as a potential American Idol Contestant. To say hes just a high school student is basically a lie designed to excuse what will be a horrible night of performances.

So David A starts out the night and sings what is basically my favorite song of all-time, "And So it Goes" by Billy Joel. On the plus side he is not Carmen Rasmussen, who, in her defense, WAS Carmen Rasmussen. On the downside he ruins this song. He skips all the important heartbreaking lyrics like "But If my silence made you leave/Then that would be my worst mistake/So I will share this room with you/And you can have this heart to break." He instead just riffs the words "and so it goes" over, and over, and over again. It is as if he was trying as hard as possible to avoid any real emotional connection with the song, and simultaneously make me commit sepuku. Grade: FUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU.

Next up is successful actress Syesha Mercado. Randy chose "If I Ain't got You" by Alicia Keys and Syesha sings it really, really well. The only problem is it's a boring song that you pretty much have to sing like Alicia Keys. I'm sure the produces were pumped when Randy picked such a shitty song since they hate her anyway. Whatever, Syesha sang it much better than she did when she was on that other reality show a few years ago and sang the same song. Also she seems a little more personable this week. Oh one more thing! I know Syesha had a rally with tons of people just like Archuletta, I saw the pics, so why didn't they show it? Why does Archuleta get to hear his song choice from Yosemite Sam and Syesha just gets it texted to her in a limo...by herself. I'll tell you why, SABOTAGE!! Grade: A for Syesha; F- for American Idol

David Cook sings "First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" which is a brilliant choice by Simon because its totally something David can change up. David sings it really well. I liked it. I have nothing else to say about David but Randy says, "I wish Simon didn't pick something so predictable. It was so old-fashioned and you're a rocker." How is a Roberta Flack song for David C predictable? I'm sorry, did they change the definition of precitable? Ok, I just looked it up and no, no they have not changed the meaning of that word. Grade: A-for David C; F- for Randy

Next we get to the most hilarious part of the night. David A sings "With You" by Chris Brown. He uses the phrase "my boo" a bunch and fucks up all the lyrics to the only verse of the song he sings (but does manage to say something about having a hott little body). He bounces awkwardly while singing, it's a hilarious train wreck. Also, this marks the third time this season David has messed up the words, so I was sure the judges would finally say SOMETHING about it. I was wrong, they don't mention it at all! WTF!! Grade: A for Awesomely Awful

Syesha is up next and sings "Fever" and its is HOTT. Seriously, the way she sang the final note made me like girls for a second, it was that sexy. She looks AMAZING, uses a chair as a prop, and moves like a pro.. It's great...the judges hate it. After weeks of telling her they love it when she does stagy numbers they rip her apart...for doing a stagy number. SABOTAGE!!! Grade: A+ (seriously that last "burn" is giving me manly urges).

David C sings a Switchfoot song for his second choice. It's pretty lame. He doesn't sing the verse particularly well. It's boring. Gade: B

For the producers choice David A is singing Dan Fogelbergs "Longer". It's my parents wedding song, and, in their defense, this song sounds way less lame when it's sung by a hippie with a guitar. Because, let's be honest, this is awwwwfuuullll. David does sound very nice though, I'll give him that. Grade: Please let this be mediocre enough for David to go home.

In the final, and biggest, injustice of the night the producers chose a song for Syesha that is completely un-singable. It's some techno crap song with no melody that would, in real life, be sung by some no-talent hack like Cascada. It is in no way conducive to live performance in a singing competition and was meant solely to facilitate an All-David-Finale. It's from the frakkin' Happy Feet soundtrack! Grade: I am on strike and refuse to write any more about this season.

Photo Caption Contest!!!

"Hi Boys! Welcome to New York's #1 Gay Male Strip Club"

So that's my caption for this photo. Any others?

Idol's Top 4: What Would Rosa Parks Sing?

Tonight, Ryan's hair is coiffed into an incredibly pronounced diving board, and Randy is wearing the type of shirt that a man only wears after he has lost a bet. Seriously, he looks like a mannequin in the window of Big & Tall For The Utterly Garish Homeboy.

Ryan introduces the top 4, and explains that "they've learned the hard way that song selection is everything." Correct me if I'm wrong, but these particular kids haven't been sent home yet, so aren't they kind of... the definition of those who have not had to learn this lesson the hard way?

Meanwhile, at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland (Hi, Floyd!), we learn that David Cook is the pastiest man alive, in case anyone was unsure of that.

Cook, wearing a red deep v-neck t-shirt (that I swear he stole from Oprah), explains that he will be singing "Hungry Like the Wolf." It's lame. I really hate to say this, but you know who I really think I would have enjoyed on this song? Blake Lewis. "Hungry Like the Wolf" is kind of a boring song, and Cook does pretty much nothing with it. In fact, did that even happen?

Syesha gives a little interview about how she's excited for the tour, which she pronounces with two syllables: too-er. She's going to sing "Proud Mary." Well, good tos ee that no one will be stepping outside of their little boxes this evening. She starts off strong, and holy calf muscles! Go rewind the show to the beginning of this song, and check out those puppies. Okay, then she keeps singing, and then... OMG DANCE MOVES! That's what my notes say there. I kind of love this. Not because it's the best dancing ever, but because it comes off like she has seriously thought about this, and practiced exactly what she was going to do and when, at scheduled times each day, every day leading up to this performance. Syesha being incredibly intentional is just as hilarious and adorable as Brooke being incredibly unintentional. I love it.

There is a sign in the audience that says "Don't be shy, vote for Syesha." This makes next to no sense. Like, in what way is that a play on words? "Don't be a douchebag, vote for David Cook." That would be my sign, if I were in the audience. Because both of those things start with D.

Jason will be singing "I Shot the Sheriff." For what it's worth, it's a lot better than his last few performances, but it's still not interesting enough to stop me from idly checking my work email while he's singing. Afterward, Randy is a buffoon. Truthfully, Jason was no less memorable on this song than Cook was on his. Simon then uses the words "atrocious" and "massacre" to describe it, and the whole thing is really uncomfortable, with Simon and Randy generally acting pissed off about Jason's existence. I have no freaking time for this, guys, because I have been pissed off about Jason's existence since Week Two! It's not fair to pull this now, when you spent the first half of this show blubbering about how you could feel his soul and how great and authentic is it that he can't sing. I also sensed some weird Bob Marley disgust from the panel on this one, which is possibly interesting in the racially charged context of tonight's show.

David Archuleta describes "Stand By Me" as a song he likes to sing to himself in his room, you know, before Daddy lets him out for his daily calisthenics. Both interview segments from Archie tonight are massively creepy in that way. Now, picture the way David Archuleta would sing "Stand By Me" - that's how David Archuleta sings "Stand By Me." In critique, Paula reminds us that he's 17, which only creeps me out further because when I was 17, I was in college, and... look at this kid.

Oh good, we're back around to the start. Cook, please do something good. Earlier today I was looking at the list of 500 songs and joking that someone should do "Baba O'Riley" because there are minute-and-a-half stretches with no lyrics whatsoever, and guess what! That's what Cook's doing. He gives a totally respectable performance, doing everything he should have done with the first song. The only thing that's weird about it is at the end, where there should be some shouting and then a guitar solo, there's just one lone shout and then the song ends abruptly. I bet the studio recording of this one is going to be awesome, though.

Syesha is going to sing "A Change is Gonna Come." She explains that the civil rights movement was a very pivotal time in history, and she is singing this song during a very pivotal time in her journey on American Idol.

I'm just gonna let that one marinate for a little while.

It was so utterly amazing, that Mike is absolutely right, her kind of mirthful derangement belongs squarely in the Tyraverse. But then she sings the song, and she's the best, and Randy is a total moron, and Paula and Simon disagree, and Syesha sobs mightily and totally loses her shit, and that right there is HOW IT'S DONE, PEOPLE. That may have just been one of my favorite moments on this show, ever. There are so many things about this season that are supposed to be exciting, or different, or matter in some way, and right now the only thing that has truly captured my attention is watching one Syesha Mercado ferociously clawing her way into the finale.

Moving right along. Jason attributes "Mr. Tambourine Man" to Bob Dylan, then forgets half the words. He sounds like a subway musician on this song, and not even one of the good ones - if he were here in Boston they'd totally only let him play on the orange line. Again, Jason ruins the last note. You know, jumping an octave on your final note is not a requirement for these songs, in fact, they're not even written that way, so why do you keep doing it if you're not capable?

Archie is now going to sing a romantic love song. Oh noes! I completely tuned out during the song, but afterward Randy says he liked how Archie was "so tender and caressed each word," and I'm sorry, that sentence contains two words that I never, ever want to hear in conjunction with David Archuleta. I need to have my brain Windexed. Seriously. Disgusting. Let's not talk about it ever again.

Well, some surprising stuff tonight. I like to think Cook can escape getting Daughtry'd because his fans know better, but the other three contestants each created emergent situations for themselves tonight. I hope America has the mercy to put Jason out of his misery, I would be delighted with a shocking Archuleta elimination, and if Syesha goes home I may have an emotional breakdown of Danny-Noriega's-elimination proportions. What hath God wrought!?

Idol Top 4: You Wanna Be On Top?

Randy Jackson is waging a war against reason, judgment, and Paula Abdul's position as least useful judge on American Idol. He is single-handedly ruining my viewing of this show by using his reputation (as an accurate appraiser of singing talent) to pimp whatever contestant the producers tell him to pimp. Most important of all, he has, in what is truly the biggest 180 I have ever done with an idol contestant, made me root for Syesha Mercado. Let me say that again. Randy Jackson has turned me into a fan of the utterly insufferable, delusional, and #1 Syesha Mercado fan: Syesha Mercado.

With that in mind it is Ms. Mercado gets the spotlight tonight (at least on this blog). I used Tyra Banks' tag line from Top Model as the title of this post because I feel that Syesha is on the wrong reality television program. Seriously, anyone who says things like, "I can't wait to meet aaaaaalllll my faaaans", and "She was the only person who really understood me", needs some Tyra lovin' pronto. She's just the type of neurotic, awkward, insane contestant (you know, the kind that compares their path on AI to the fucking civil rights movement) that Tyra so craves to nourish. So how has this girl become my favorite Idol contestant?

It's really two-fold. 1) Syesha has been the best contestant on stage for the past three weeks. I'm being serious! Starting with Andrew Lloyd Webber she has been consistently great. Particularly tonight, she poured her heart out on that stage when she sang "A Change is Gonna Come". It was the first time I actually felt like I saw a real person. It was so strong I even forgave her for, I have to bring this up again, comparing her Idol journey to the plight of southern blacks in the late 1960's. And then 2) The judges insist on down-playing her performances because they are obsessed with an All-David-Finale. This biggest culprit is Randy Jackson who either tells Syesha was fine, or ok, when she was in fact great, or tells her she was bad when she was great. If I have to listen to another "molten hot lava bomb" comment from Randy, after a laaaaaame little David performance I'm going to scream. So maybe it's more a hatred for Randy and this little David pimping, but I'm pulling for Syesha to make it to the finals (even though I know she won't...)

In regards to the other contestants I will say: Jason Castro was hilariously awful, David A was boring, and David C well...I worry about him tomorrow night. Don't get me wrong he sang very well. He just didn't do anything special with his songs. He's set such a high bar, changing songs around and really being as much as an artist you can be on Idol, that I worry his fans might not vote for him because he was good, or vote for him because they feel he's in trouble.

So I say a bottom 2 of Jason and David C tomorrow with a shocking exit of Mr. Cook. Of course, if Randy has his way, we'll just eliminate everyone except David Archuletta and he can just put on concerts for the next 2 weeks.