So that line from above is actually a quote from 30 Rock, but it's also what I imagine David Cook says to himself every time he "re-imagines" a song, and I certainly hope it's what the Idol producers said to themselves after deciding the judges would only be speaking once despite the Idols performing twice. On the downside we only get so much time to soak up Paula's outfit, which can only be described as an extras costume from the prom scene in Teen Witch.
After a quick retrospective on Neil Diamond's career, including a line where Ryan appears to mockingly comment on Neil's "artistry" while the video simultaneously shows Mr. Diamond in various sequenced fringe-lined jackets, we get right into the action. In honor of Paula's outfit, and the genius that is Teen With, I will be grading the performances tonight based on their corresponding musical number from the hit 80's teen musical: Top That (totally awesome); Most Popular Girl (fine but nothing outstanding); My Finest Hour (kinda boring and blah); Madame Serena (...yikes); and I Like Boys (the single greatest thing I have ever witnessed in my entire existence on this planet).
Jason Castro is up first and I first have to say he lost a lot of points for me last week when he sang a version of "Memories" from Cats that would have sounded better if it was sung by an actual cat. Needless to say I thought his "Forever in Blue Jeans" was much better. It's also just an awesome song. Grade: Most Popular Girl
David Cook sings next and he manages to be smarmy, condescending, and off-putting in one 30 second interview with Ryan. Congrats David! David sings "I'm Alive" and its fine but the whole song I was wondering what the initials "AC" he has on his guitar, and now on his jacket, mean. Was this explained at one point? Is it Adult Contemporary? If it's adult contemporary I bet David Archuletta's dad is pissed because little David did not spend the last 3 months either singing Phil Collins songs, or turning Andrew Lloyd Webber songs into Phil Collins song just so David C could conquer Magic 106.7! Anyway...Grade: Most Popular Girl
Brooke White sings "I'm a Believer" and she looks kind of awkward, like she's a child holding a normal-sized guitar. She sounds fine I guess, you know, for Brooke. Overall I have to say it didn't do much for me except remind me that Shrek has forever ruined one of my favorite Monkees' songs. Grade: My Finest Hour
David Archuletta is singing both "Sweet Caroline" and "America" tonight, which should surprise NOBODY, as they are Neil Diamond's most adult contemporary, and lets be honest most lame, songs (interesting fact: Sweet Caroline was written about Caroline Kennedy...when she was twelve...ewww that's some Madame Serena shit right there). David is really uncertain of the pitch at the beginning of this song, not that any of the judges will call him on it. This song is played during the 7th inning stretch of every Red Sox home game so I spent most of this performance googling Fenway Park and shouting "SO GOOD, SO GOOD, SO GOOD!" Grade: My Finest Hour
Syesha is up next and....ahhhhhh!!!!! I HATE the audience waving their hands in a different rhythm from the song!!! Stupid, stupid audience. Anyway Syesha sounds nice and as she's the only person left in this competition who even slightly resembles the contestants that originally made fall in love with this show so I'm pulling for her a little bit now. Grade: Most Popular Girl
Next the producers go back on their word and let the judges speak anyway. On a positive note this produces the single-best Paula moment of the season (maybe of all-time?) when she accidentally gives Jason critiques for both of his songs...even though he had only performed one. Now, you could be cynical about this and assume the producers gave Paula notes on what to say for each performance and she accidentally read off both, but I like to believe that Paula actually hallucinated Jason's second performance. Apparently Paula's is on a bad trip tonight though because she did not like Jason's imaginary song. Grade for Paula: I Like Boys
Jason's second song is ridiculous because the tween mosh-pit is actually waving their hands 1.84 times faster than the song. Seriously, they're not waving their hands in double time, not in the actual time, but in some kind of awkward in between time that is simultaneously hilarious and infruating. It's actually so distracting that I had to watch Jason's performance 3 times before I could actually pay attention. Unfortunately for Jason I finally did hear it. Grade: Madame Serena
Smuggy McGiantbabyhead goes next and ofcourse is awesome...god damn it. His version of "Say" could totally be a Top 40 hit right now. It was just really, really good. Grade: Top That
Brooke White took Neil Diamond's advice and changed the word to her song from "I'm New York raised" to "I'm Arizona raised" which I guess makes the song more autobiographical but also makes the line "I'm stuck between two coasts" completely false. Whats coasts? The Pacific Ocean and Lake New Mexico? Anyway she sounds fine. I'm kind of over her. Grade: My Finest Hour
David Archuletta sings "America" and, let's be honest, this song was made for Kristy Lee Cook. You know bitch would have come out riding her horse (that she would have purchased with Susan b. Anthony coins and christian prayer), draped in the american flag, and she woulda sang that song "anywaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay". Archie does his best Clay Aiken-lite (Fey Aiken?) via the Kristy Lee propaganda machine. It all just finally pushes me over the edge into a complete dislike of this kid. Grade: Madame Serena
Syesha finishes up with "Thank the Lord for the Night Time". I thought it was great but ofcourse she's not in the producers plan for the finals so the judges downplay her talents just like they did with Carly who was consistently the best singer but was always told she was "just ok". Seriously, the producers have done everything but hold up a picture of a baby seal and say, "If you don't vote for an all David finale we will kill this seal and all it's brothers and sisters! We'll do it!!!" Whatever. Grade: Top That
OK so Syesha will probably go home, or Brooke or Jason. I don't even care. I have never said this about Idol, but can this season please be over?
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