Idol's Top 10 Girls: ...yikes

Last week I made my disdain for this years crop of women (or should I say crap of women. HA!) pretty clear. I was upset with the general lack of singing talent, stage presence, and overall performance quality that you would normally find in, oh, I don't know, the best 12 female singers in the country. Circumstances have not improved, however after last nights episode, I am indeed sure that (as Ryan told us) the girls are in it to win "it". "It" being a swift kick to their lady business courtesy of me.

Before I get to the women just a few quick thoughts on the top 10 gents. Jason Yeager and Luke Menard are totally going home. Poor Jason. When his song started I was rooting for him, as it was clear the producers had physically removed his "special"-weapon son from the audience to curb any sympathy vote. But then Jason went and executed an incredibly awkward dance routine capped off with some weird, spastic, faux-crucifixion move. Hey Jason, William Jennings Bryan called, he wants his final pose back. Hey-oh!

One final note about the guys: I am no longer allowed to talk about David Archuletta. I read Liz's post about his song and totally agreed, in retrospect, about the middling performance. I do however have to stress the "in retrospect" part because here is what I actually wrote down when he was singing:

oh my god. magic! such magic and rainbows! love love love! too good, just too good.

That's right, when David sings I become some bizarre Paula-Abdul-tween-Jonas-Brothers-fan-monster. Honestly, now that I know what it's like to be Paula, I'm kind of jealous she gets to feel that way about everything. While we had to watch Jinay Christine's deer in headlights impression and listen to Carmen Rasmussen's goat vibrato, Paula got rainbows and magic. Lucky bitch.

Anyway, I'm not in Paulaland and actually had to experience last night's ladies so here we go:

Carly Smithson was one of two, yes count 'em two, good performances this week. She was fine, nothing awesome, nothing awful. Her high belt seems really throaty and somewhat small-sounding to me but her hair looked way better this week. Oh also, she wants you to know she's Irish.

Next up is Syesha Mercado who must have heard the rumor that she screams every song she performs because this one is pretty demure. On the downside, Syesha can not sing on pitch unless she is wailing like a banshee so this is terrible. Also, Syesha unleashes an absolutely terrifying impression of a baby crying. I can only assume that next week she will inform the viewing audience that if they do not vote for her she will use that baby-voice to haunt their dreams!

Brooke White gives the other good performance of the night. If you're keeping track that does indeed mean that the next 7 girls in a row suck balls (not literally, Antonella is no longer on this show). She sings "You're so Vain" and it's actually perfect for her. I will again tell Brooke to get herself an IPod commercial ASAP.

"Don't Leave Me This Way" has now been performed over 7,000 times on American Idol, Thanks Ramielle! Ramielle is still singing with Joanne Borgella's voice (bitch must be pissed!), except this time she isn't very good. She looks awkward and sings a lot of wonky notes. On the plus side I'm pretty sure she's besties with Danny Noriega so she's my favorite girl now.

Kristy Lee Cook is up next and, to my delight, when she isn't going out of her way make crazy bug-eyes she looks like French Stewart. She sings on-key but clearly lacks a soul and is a robot which I think should disqualify her from this competition.

Elvira Mistress of the Night sings "Carry On My Wayward Son" and it is a hilarious train wreck (which makes 2 in a row from our favorite nurse). She appears to be wearing plastic chaps over what I can only assume are patent leather underpants, her hair is, as Gaston would say, "roughly the size of a barge", she does the Elaine Bennis dance several times, and she sounds horrible. It is, quite possibly, the greatest thing I have ever seen on this show.

My Nemesis Alaina Whitaker (yes that is her full name) wants us to to know she's a spoiled bitch. Seriously. She talks about how she can't eat different foods with the same fork or let her foods touch each other. I hate her. She is not as good this week as she was last week, thank god. Simon says she's a "dark horse" and I agree but only in the sense that I want her to be euthanized and turned into glue.

Poor, poor Alexandreah Lushington. You could totally tell that she knows they only brought her to the final 24 to be an easy elimination. They probably forced her to sing that crappy song too. I voted for her a bunch just to stick it to the man. Also, she looks like the love-child of Rudy Huxtable and Sporty Spice. Go Alexandrea!

Kady Malloy clearly made her dress in art class when she was in 2nd grade. She sounds really bad, but surprisingly good in a clip of her singing opera. She's gone, goooooooooone.

We close the night with Asia'H Epperson, who I will affectionately refer to as "The H" from now on (both because of her name and because of the bizarre "h"-less cockney accent she adopts when she sings). Right away I'm disappointed when The H discontinues her bid to become the next Eliza Doolittle by actually saying the letter "h". LAME. Then she proceeds to suck. Latoya London killed this song in season 3, back when the girls were talented...I'm going to go cry now.

So who goes home? I'm saying definitely Kady and then either Alexandrea, Amanda, and maybe Syesha or Kristy. Ok I think Kady and Alexandrea will join Jason and Luke. Laterz.

Idol's Top 10 Guys: Nothing Funny but the Possibility of Cancer

Ryan opens up the show by asking the judges to give some words of advice to tonight's performers. Randy sagely advises them to "be in it to win it" and a collective look of realization spreads across the contestants' faces. I know last week he said the girls already were in it to win it, so it surprises me a bit that some of these guys are so late in noticing that being in it to win it is probably a good idea. You can see fans in the audience hastily revising the signs they're holding that used to read, "I'M THINKING ABOUT BUT MAY ULTIMATELY DECIDE AGAINST VOTING FOR MY FAVORED CONTESTANT."

Michael Johns is up first, and he's all right I guess. He's kind of like this mid-nineties alt-rock robot. Like, if Eddie Vedder's voice were placed into a machine built to look like a relatively obscure J. Crew catalogue model and programmed to do "rock star" things until its batteries wore out. That's Michael Johns.

Jason Castro is up next, and he interviews about how much he dislikes interviews. And having his picture taken. And meeting people. And, you know, just about everything else being on American Idol entails. Meanwhile, every guy who was cut during Hollywood week seethes quietly at home. Thanks, Jason.

Luke Menard decides to endear himself to the audience by talking about his a cappella group, and if he thinks this is what is going to add a shade of dimension to his floofy, girly-voiced presence on the show, he is so very mistaken. The public doesn't get a cappella. You know how I know that? Because I do improvisational theatre, and it's the same thing - you simply can't talk about improv without people being like, "Oh yeah? Tell me a joke!" or using the word "skit" in what they think is a really helpful way. Luke's mention of a cappella is a lot like this; it does nothing to bring the audience any closer to what he's all about, and raises a few misconceptions and stereotypes for viewers who have any frame of reference at all. What happens next is interesting because he chooses a song that is totally right for his voice ("Killer Queen") and totally wrong for his personality, his appearance, his nonexistent performance skills, and this show. The result is that it really doesn't come across at all, and probably plays as really weird for someone younger who has never heard "Killer Queen." REALLY weird. I mean, picture hearing that song being sung by a very unassuming, bland-looking guy, just casually, and having absolutely no context for it... except that he seems to be a member of this lame touring band without instruments.

Robbie Carrico is someone I could not be more bored by.

Danny Noriega disappoints me by singing a slower song with less hip thrusting, and the judges disappoint me by not hating it. Danny, this is how it works - I adore you, and only partly in an ironic way, but your job here is to be abrasive, obnoxious and totally unsuited for this show. The minute you start actually trying is when it starts to suck.

I am in love with David Hernandez. LOVE. I have been saying this for weeks, and just want to reiterate: I LOVE HIM. He sings "Papa Was a Rolling Stone" and by the time it's over I have doodled his name in a heart six thousand times directly on the coffee table. Online rumors say he may have once worked as a gay stripper. Repeat it: LOVE.

Jason Yeager is in deep trouble this week, and neglected to bring along the possibly retarded son who is the only thing that could keep him in this competition. I really don't get it with Jason... his performance reminds me of watching the frontman of some Billy Ray Cyrus cover band in some very, very small town somewhere. I dislike it. A lot.

Chikezie has evidently been sent home after all and replaced by another guy named Chikezie who can actually sing. This development has thrown my office Idol pool into a tailspin.

David Cook is a "word nerd" who does crossword puzzles. The editors use this opportunity to cut a quick montage of all of the "big words" David has used in interviews, which are all, you know, regular words used daily in the parlance of the secondarily educated. Which is really more insulting to AI and its audience than to David - what it shows is that he's basically literate, and they're incredulous of that. Simon hates this interview choice, but I like it because it does two things that these stupid pre-performance clips never do, 1) doesn't strive for categorization and storyline ("I'm a great Dad!" or "I used to be fat/poor/a farmer!"), and 2) actually make me see the contestant in a new light. Not that I'm wicked impressed by David Cook's supposed crossword ability, but the fact that he would share something so mundane with so little apparent agenda makes me like him more. Obviously not a lot more, because I forget what he sings. Seriously, I have no recollection.

Does David Archuleta have cancer? Because that's the only way I can explain what happens next, which is: he gives a bland, precocious, Star Search style performance of "Imagine" and is flat on some of the notes but still cute in that ambitious younger brother kind of way, and the judges fall all over themselves with praise like he's a ten-year-old with six months left to live. Paula is brought to tears after exclaiming that she wants to "dangle [him] from [her] rearview mirror," and Randy Jackson literally explodes. Then the U.N. is brought onstage; they have sewn a David Archuleta quilt. There is much Coca-Cola.

Finally, Colton Berry takes the stage and gives a marvelous rendition of Donna Summer's "Last Dance" while accompanying himself on the tambourine and wearing a billowy pink satin blouse. His bangs are sideswept, of course. He's great, and I absolutely squeal when the gospel choir comes in at the end. What a great performance. I really think he's going to win.

We can't go on together... with you not on the show.

I'm ready to call this competition for Ramiele Mulabay right here and now. Here's why:

1. She's Filipina and she's very short. What? No one of even remotely Asian heritage or "cute" stature has ever won on this show, and if you believe Idol is, if not entirely rigged, ferociously manipulative of its viewers, which I do, you can't deny that a Ramiele win would fill an available spot on the mantle of Idol winners. And if you subscribe to the theory that the producers don't want a winner too similar in type to any previous winner, which I do, that eliminates basically everyone else.
2. She has the voice of a big black lady. And seeing as there are no big black ladies or other tiny Filipina girls who sing like big black ladies left in the competition, she's going inherit all of those potential votes, and sing all of those potential big black lady songs that Idol so loves. Seriously. Who else is going to corner the Aretha market at this point... Brooke White?
3. She has exactly the kind of middle-of-the-road, not-too-anything personality that sells well on this show. She's nice but not unctuous. She's attractive but not sexy. She's fun-loving but not funny. She's distinguishable in a crowd but not Garrett Haley. Also, she was the sobbiest of sobbers for her new friends during eliminations tonight, which we all know rakes in good will like nothing else. This type of demeanor, this "off-putting to NO ONE" thing would be a disadvantage if she couldn't sing well. But she can. So she is going to win.

Unfortunately, my prognosticating this week for my office's Idol pool was less than stellar, and I only got half of the eliminations right. I picked Kady Malloy instead of Joanne Borgella, and Jason Yeager instead of Colton Berry. What did I do wrong? Obviously underestimated a) the badness of Joanne's peformance and b) the power of having a child who may be retarded in the audience. My bad. Of course Jason Yeager will probably make the top three even if he continues to sing the world's cheesiest songs while sitting on a stool and sporting the male version of Amanda Overmeyer's hairdo. Awesome. Can't wait.

Meanwhile, I am so pissed that Colton got voted off that I am going to just continue writing about the show as if he's still on it, as that is the only way I can bring myself to continue watching. Colton was great tonight! I can't wait till he comes over later and we give each other makeovers. I like his bangs better sideswept than slicked back, amIright?

My Sincerest Regrets About Your Parents

I know I'm clearly supposed to feel sorry for some of the female contestants on Idol this year, you know, like Asia'h Epperson, whose father died right before her audition (and apparently bequeathed her an apostrophe). Or Syesha Mercado, who lost her voice during Hollywood week. Or Carly Smithson, who was an embarrassing failure as a recording artist had visa problems and couldn't compete two years ago. Or Kristy Lee Cook, who supposedly sold a horse? For reasons as yet unclear? And now has the flu. Also, this is news to me, but... evidently there's a strain of flu out there this season that causes one's eyes to bulge menacingly out of their sockets when singing high notes. Damn those drug-resistant bacteria!

But can we pause the pity party for a moment to consider some contestants who actually might deserve sympathy?

For one thing, it looks as if Alaina Whitaker could only afford a single sleeve for her shirt tonight. Clearly she was too proud to call attention to it, but you can tell this girl has struggled through adversity.

And let's please take a moment for Amy Davis. Okay, so her performance tonight was terrible. But she's doing the best she can, having been raised by parents who habitually go out in public wearing matching t-shirts featuring a hilarious old-timey vignette photo of her face.

And finally - although Kristy Lee Cook might feel like she got hit by a truck, Amanda Overmeyer was recently actually hit by a truck.

Idol's Top 12 Girls: Bizarro World

Throughout the 6 seasons of American Idol (that I have watched obsessively) I have always, always liked the girls more than the boys. I would argue that it's because the girls have more talent: they're better singers, they have better stage presence, and most importantly to me, they are teeming with sassy black woman belting their hearts out (re: Tamyra Gray, Kim Locke, Jennifer Hudson, Fantasia, Mandisa, Melinda Doolittle). Although I've liked particular guys like Elliot Yamin, I've never enjoyed them in mass.

This year, however, is very different. Last night there were guys, both good and gloriously bad, that really kept me entertained. Yes, there was boring Luke Menard and Jason Yaeger, but there was also Michael Johns, beautiful hippie Jason Castro and David Archuleta, who I will talk about later on becuase I am in love with him. The trainwrecks were also great! There was the gay elvis extravaganza, and somehow Gollum is a finalist this year (note: he goes by the alias "Garrett Healey"). Also, as we will soon find out, the girls pretty much suck. Lame.

Anyway, onto tonight, it's Black Plague Night on Idol! Oh wait, I'm sorry it's 60's night. I got confused because Ryan opened the show by letting us know that all the girls are really sick and we shouldn't hate them when they tank. He also reminds us that Randy thinks the guys can "definitely blow". I have no recollection of Randy saying this, and can only assume he's reffering to Danny Noriega. Finally, Ryan says that this year the girls are in it to win it. This is in direct contrast to the first 6 seasons of Idol when all the girls wanted to lose REALLY BAD. So for all of you who thought Antonella Barba sucked, well you were right, BUT she was totally sucking on purpose. In reality she was actually the winner of the anti-idol contest the women were having. In a related note if this is how the ladies perform when they're "in it to win it" they might want to consider their old approach.

ANYWAY onto the performances...

Kristy Lee Cook is up first and, according to Paula, Randy, and Ryan she's like, totally sick you guys. Unless Kristy has contracted some disease that sucks out all your stage presence and charisma, and gives you a case of crazy-eyes, then I see no signs of illness. Anyway, by the way Paula is playing it up you'd think Kristy Lee has ebola, which actually would make me like her more. It was nice that she sang something other than "Amazing Grace" as I was 25% sure she was some country-fembot programmed to sing only that song, but, she's bad and boring...this will not be the last time you hear that phrase.

Joanne Borgella actually epitomizes Idol 7's Bizarro World theme. She's a big, beautiful, confident black woman, who sings like Jessica Simpson. It's particularly infuriating because every season I fall in love with a sassy black woman who, by the looks of her, could possibly be a dude, and looks like she's gonna eat my face when she sings. Joanne should be this contestant! LAME.

Alaina Whitaker has a birthday tomorrow. She wants to stay on Idol and, hopefully, get some great shoes. I hate her. She only infuriates me more when she goes out there and sings really well. Not only does she sing well but David Archuletta is totally oggling her from the audience! Stay away from my man, bitch! You stay the fuck away. Well, I have a new nemesis.

Amanda Overmeyer got hit by a truck. She claims she's 23...in dog years? Also she looks and performs like Elvira on steroids. Amanda sings a tuneless ditty repleat with scat solos. It's hideous, I love it.

Amy Davis might want to steal a few moves from the Antonella playbook and put some wang-in-mouth pictures on the interweb because, after that musical abortion, I see no other way for her to stick around. Also, is she the actress from the show "Bones"? Would she be allowed to be on Idol? Anyway, bad and boring.

Brooke White is pretty. I thought she was ok and boring, which is an impovement over other ladies. I think her best chance is to parlay this Idol thing into a career singing indy songs for IPOD commercials.

Alexandrea Lushington wears superfluous suspenders. She has two distinct voices, a good one and a horrible one. If she pledges to NEVER sing in her upper register ever again I will vote for her. I've also heard Alexandrea was on star search and lost to none other than David Archuletta. I hope she was ok with that because it's about to happen again. Also, she must hate filling out her name on bubble sheets.

Kady Malloy spells her name funny and is also a horrible performer. That's not a good combination. Also Kady was the one who officialy pushed me over the edge into full-fledged "I hate this show all these girls suck" mode. Congrats Kady!

Asia'h Epperson is amazing for the following reason: 1) the absolutely unnecessary apostrophe that accents the "h" in her name, 2) the fact that she can't say the letter "h" when she sings. Think about that! She goes out of her way to let you know that you better be sayin' that "h" in her name, and then sings "take another little peice of my 'eart." Also she's on-pitch and energetic which puts her in the top 3 girls for the night. Also this officialy means that my nemesis Alaina is no longer the best girl.

Ramielle Mulabay stole Joanne Borgella's voice like Ursula in The Little Mermaid! There is no other explanation for why Joanne sounds like whiny little Philipino girl and Ramielle sounds like a big black lady. Her necklace is the secret to her power! She must be stopped!

Syesha Mercado screams all her songs. All of them. The judges love her and I guess compared to most of the other "singers" she's not horrible. Why are you doing this to me Idol?!

Carly Smithson finishes off the night. She actually sounds sick, not like Kristy Lee sick but legitimately sick. Paula again wants us to know that everyone has bird flu, whooping cough, and various STD's. This all compromises Carly's performance which I'm sure otherwise would have been good enough to sell dozens and dozens of records.

So who will go home? Oh man this is tough. It could be Amy, Kady, Joanne, Alexandrea, or maybe even Kristy. I'm going to go with Amy and Kady.

In conclusion: everyone go get your flu shot right now!!!

Idol's Top 12 Guys: Two "rockers," two gay Elvises, and a guy named Jacuzzi

Let's make quick work of this, shall we? The boys sang, they were by turns mediocre, flamboyant, underwhelming, and terrifying. The judges did that thing where they have everyone sing songs from the '60s, and then act incredulous when some of the performances sound like they came straight from... the '60s. Don't these contestants know they're supposed to Make It [Their] Own? Come on, have they not been watching this show for the past six years? Everyone knows there are three easy steps to Making It Your Own:

1. Arbitrarily change the tempo. Nothing says "I know who I am as an artist" like singing a ballad at the pace of a lively Turkish march. Or better yet, breaking down an uptempo song into a Boyz II Men style slow jam. It doesn't really matter what you do, just remember: no one unique or special ever sang a song at its intended speed.
2. Sing badly. Feel free to be creative with this one - yell, growl, mumble, yodel, whine, or take on a hilarious accent. Just be sure to remain consistent with whatever affectation you choose, for it's this unwavering commitment to one glaring flaw in vocal technique that separates a plain old misstep from "a style all your own."
3. Add electric guitar. This should be self-explanatory. What better way to showcase your hip, offbeat, Zeitgeist-lovin' interpretation of the song than to add an electric guitar? Ta da! Instant relevance. You can thank me later, when you're accepting that Grammy for your totally rockin' rendition of "Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round the Old Oak Tree."

Duh. This is basic stuff. Anyway, onto the performances...

David Hernandez can actually sing, and just may be one of the most attractive contestants ever to make it to this stage. However, he is over 20 years old, childless, and NOT an embarrassment to society. So he'll probably be going home soon.

Chikezie... hey, didn't he have a last name just the other day? Is he supposed to be season 7's Mandisa or something? Because he's horrible at being Mandisa. Incidentally, he is also horrible at being a good singer, choosing his own clothing, and holding himself back from making snotty comments to the judges on the very first night of the semifinals. Great.

David Cook is sporting a bleached, flat ironed, sideswept combover. And if he thinks any amount of bleaching, flat ironing or sidesweeping is going to magically turn that combover into not a combover, he's wrong. He sings "Happy Together" and really Makes It His Own. Kudos, David Cook! Clearly you've seen this show before.

I can't say anything mean about Jason Yeager because I think his son either has some kind of developmental problem, or just looks very very unfortunately like Milla Jovovich. Enough. Jason is out this week.

Robbie Carrico is another one who Makes It His Own, this time aided greatly by season 7's first use of the Chris Daughtry Memorial Strobelights. It should be noted here that he is dressed almost identically to me circa 6th grade.

Is it too early to have David Archuleta fatigue? I know Mike really likes him, and he's actually quite good, but can we quit pretending he's an actual, viable contender to win the competition? Imagine Melinda Doolittle had a child with Will Makar, and then that child was lobotomized, but retained a very good singing voice and disarming humility and charm. There you have... David Archuleta. Of course, the judges want to sell little statuettes of him outside the Vatican.

Danny Noriega. I should hate him, right? In the sense that he reminds me of every obnoxious flaming kid I ever worked with in a mall. Yet somehow, I adore every single thing about him. This kid has no fear whatsoever. He sings "Jailhouse Rock" in the skinniest pair of skinny pants in the whole wide world, Simon hates it, and a million Justin Suarezes viewing at home hit "save until I delete" on their TiVos. Would that I could choose "save forevs and evs" on my TiVo.

Hey look, James van der Beek tried out for American Idol! Oh wait, it's Orlando Bloom! Oh wait... it's this guy from Illinois named Luke Menard. He sings a song that, in addition to being quite boring, seems to contain so many key changes that it's hard to tell at any given time if he's choosing the next note at random. Not promising. It's good to know though that if this doesn't pan out he could still have a lucrative career posing on Dawson's Creek parade floats. If those exist.

Colton Berry is probably wearing mascara, judging by the opacity of his eyelashes on stage as compared to earlier interview footage. Good for him. He sings another Elvis song, and I want to be BFFs with him, because apparently I like 'em bug-eyed (see: David Hernandez). Also, he claims to sing the Teletubbies theme song to himself in order to calm down in times of stress. I hope he also owns a pair of lucky pantyhose.

(Leif) Garrett Healey is terrifying. The end.

Jason Castro plays a guitar, sings "What a Day for a Daydream," and signs a contract to score the next sequel to Shrek on his way offstage. Incidentally, I know of this place where you can meet thousands upon thousands of Jason Castros that will happily play their guitar for you and sing like this any time you want - and maybe even offer to share their calzone! It's called college.

Michael Johns is from Australia and is very attractive and has great stage presence. So why don't I care? Must be the absence of skinny pants... or, you know, a soul.

My predictions for who's gone on Thursday? Jason Yeager, for one. The other will be either Luke, Chikezie or David Hernandez (say it ain't so!).