So that line from above is actually a quote from 30 Rock, but it's also what I imagine David Cook says to himself every time he "re-imagines" a song, and I certainly hope it's what the Idol producers said to themselves after deciding the judges would only be speaking once despite the Idols performing twice. On the downside we only get so much time to soak up Paula's outfit, which can only be described as an extras costume from the prom scene in Teen Witch.
After a quick retrospective on Neil Diamond's career, including a line where Ryan appears to mockingly comment on Neil's "artistry" while the video simultaneously shows Mr. Diamond in various sequenced fringe-lined jackets, we get right into the action. In honor of Paula's outfit, and the genius that is Teen With, I will be grading the performances tonight based on their corresponding musical number from the hit 80's teen musical: Top That (totally awesome); Most Popular Girl (fine but nothing outstanding); My Finest Hour (kinda boring and blah); Madame Serena (...yikes); and I Like Boys (the single greatest thing I have ever witnessed in my entire existence on this planet).
Jason Castro is up first and I first have to say he lost a lot of points for me last week when he sang a version of "Memories" from Cats that would have sounded better if it was sung by an actual cat. Needless to say I thought his "Forever in Blue Jeans" was much better. It's also just an awesome song. Grade: Most Popular Girl
David Cook sings next and he manages to be smarmy, condescending, and off-putting in one 30 second interview with Ryan. Congrats David! David sings "I'm Alive" and its fine but the whole song I was wondering what the initials "AC" he has on his guitar, and now on his jacket, mean. Was this explained at one point? Is it Adult Contemporary? If it's adult contemporary I bet David Archuletta's dad is pissed because little David did not spend the last 3 months either singing Phil Collins songs, or turning Andrew Lloyd Webber songs into Phil Collins song just so David C could conquer Magic 106.7! Anyway...Grade: Most Popular Girl
Brooke White sings "I'm a Believer" and she looks kind of awkward, like she's a child holding a normal-sized guitar. She sounds fine I guess, you know, for Brooke. Overall I have to say it didn't do much for me except remind me that Shrek has forever ruined one of my favorite Monkees' songs. Grade: My Finest Hour
David Archuletta is singing both "Sweet Caroline" and "America" tonight, which should surprise NOBODY, as they are Neil Diamond's most adult contemporary, and lets be honest most lame, songs (interesting fact: Sweet Caroline was written about Caroline Kennedy...when she was twelve...ewww that's some Madame Serena shit right there). David is really uncertain of the pitch at the beginning of this song, not that any of the judges will call him on it. This song is played during the 7th inning stretch of every Red Sox home game so I spent most of this performance googling Fenway Park and shouting "SO GOOD, SO GOOD, SO GOOD!" Grade: My Finest Hour
Syesha is up next and....ahhhhhh!!!!! I HATE the audience waving their hands in a different rhythm from the song!!! Stupid, stupid audience. Anyway Syesha sounds nice and as she's the only person left in this competition who even slightly resembles the contestants that originally made fall in love with this show so I'm pulling for her a little bit now. Grade: Most Popular Girl
Next the producers go back on their word and let the judges speak anyway. On a positive note this produces the single-best Paula moment of the season (maybe of all-time?) when she accidentally gives Jason critiques for both of his songs...even though he had only performed one. Now, you could be cynical about this and assume the producers gave Paula notes on what to say for each performance and she accidentally read off both, but I like to believe that Paula actually hallucinated Jason's second performance. Apparently Paula's is on a bad trip tonight though because she did not like Jason's imaginary song. Grade for Paula: I Like Boys
Jason's second song is ridiculous because the tween mosh-pit is actually waving their hands 1.84 times faster than the song. Seriously, they're not waving their hands in double time, not in the actual time, but in some kind of awkward in between time that is simultaneously hilarious and infruating. It's actually so distracting that I had to watch Jason's performance 3 times before I could actually pay attention. Unfortunately for Jason I finally did hear it. Grade: Madame Serena
Smuggy McGiantbabyhead goes next and ofcourse is awesome...god damn it. His version of "Say" could totally be a Top 40 hit right now. It was just really, really good. Grade: Top That
Brooke White took Neil Diamond's advice and changed the word to her song from "I'm New York raised" to "I'm Arizona raised" which I guess makes the song more autobiographical but also makes the line "I'm stuck between two coasts" completely false. Whats coasts? The Pacific Ocean and Lake New Mexico? Anyway she sounds fine. I'm kind of over her. Grade: My Finest Hour
David Archuletta sings "America" and, let's be honest, this song was made for Kristy Lee Cook. You know bitch would have come out riding her horse (that she would have purchased with Susan b. Anthony coins and christian prayer), draped in the american flag, and she woulda sang that song "anywaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay". Archie does his best Clay Aiken-lite (Fey Aiken?) via the Kristy Lee propaganda machine. It all just finally pushes me over the edge into a complete dislike of this kid. Grade: Madame Serena
Syesha finishes up with "Thank the Lord for the Night Time". I thought it was great but ofcourse she's not in the producers plan for the finals so the judges downplay her talents just like they did with Carly who was consistently the best singer but was always told she was "just ok". Seriously, the producers have done everything but hold up a picture of a baby seal and say, "If you don't vote for an all David finale we will kill this seal and all it's brothers and sisters! We'll do it!!!" Whatever. Grade: Top That
OK so Syesha will probably go home, or Brooke or Jason. I don't even care. I have never said this about Idol, but can this season please be over?
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Idol's Top 6: The Wal-Mart of Broadway
Meanwhile, I am absolutely wracked with jealousy about Mike's opportunity to schmooze with Marvita - Marvita of "maybe we gonn' be nekkid... maybe we gonn' be nekkid in coats!" fame.
But let me be the first to volunteer that I absolutely disagree about Brooke. That is, I agree with the judges. And I mean, maybe there's not much to do at this point, but I hate that it's like she has just given up on trying to sing well. Of course she's never going to have the range or the refined technique of some other contestants on the show, but she could at least try to breathe properly and support her voice and work on sounding more professional/mature with the capabilities she has.
Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself here! Welcome, it is Andrew Lloyd Webber night... and since fully one third of the remaining contestants aren't really good singers, the fact that this is going to suck should come as no surprise. Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber is in the audience looking a little like Prince Gerhardt at this time.
In standard fashion, I will be grading the contestants on the following scale: "Phantom of the Opera" (very good), "Evita" (passable), "Jesus Christ Superstar" (okay bordering on lame), "Cats" (utterly horrific), and "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" (you have got to be fucking kidding me).
Syesha is up first. I feel like I can start referring to them by first name only, now that we're down to six. She sings "One Rock & Roll Too Many," which I have never heard before, but just learned via Google is from Starlight Express. Which I have also never heard of. Fair enough. Syesha, by the way, is GREAT on this number. She really belongs to an earlier season of this show. She's wearing this smokin' outfit and sassily dancing around the stage flirting with Rickey Minor and the orchestra. You know, I don't like Syesha, but I have to give her credit for actually doing this theme justice instead of wussing out and avoiding the theme like everyone else has done week in and week out. I give her a solid Phantom of the Opera.
Jason whines and whimpers and hyperventilates (literally, he is gasping for air every every third word like he's on his deathbed) through "Memory." Randy says that he thought it was a musical and vocal trainwreck, but he liked the fact that Jason has dreadlocks. I'm just taking the notes here, folks. I agree with Randy, minus the second part, so I'm giving Jason an out-and-out Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.
Brooke is next, and you can tell in the rehearsal footage that ALW hates her, which makes me feel kind of bad. He comments that none of the contestants seems to know the context of the songs they're singing, and this kind of blows my mind. I mean, you can't always track down the private diaries of a pop artist to find out what they really meant to communicate in a particular song, but the whole thing about songs from musicals is that there is, you know... an entire musical to help you figure out what the song means. It's not exactly classified information. Wikipedia that shit, please. Anyway, enough about Brooke, you know I'm giving her a Cats. Sorry, Brooke.
D'Arch has one thousand sisters, we find out right before his performance. He is singing "Think of Me," and it's nice to know he can't only sing Phil Collins style pop ballads; he can in fact also sing musical theatre numbers reimagined as Phil Collins style pop ballads. Cool. I wasn't blown out of my socks or anything, but I thought David did a serviceable and smart job with this song. He earns an Evita from me. Meanwhile, David's dad in the audience has recently traded in his signature douchey hat for an even douchier hat. Because this is the part of the competition where everyone needs to step up their game.
Carly is up next, which means David Cook is last. Man, I love this blustering, ham-handed show. Carly sings "Superstar," and I'm really conflicted on this performance... on the plus side, it's good. It's fun. It doesn't wimp out. Rickey Minor is busting a freakin' MOVE during it. On the other hand, she's chosen a key which puts the chorus of the song just barely out of her range, so I spend the majority of the time bracing myself for the inevitable destruction of her glottis. Also, Carly just cannot help looking like someone's mom doing karaoke. Granted, it's someone's mom who's really, really good at karaoke. You know, like Mike's mom, who they call "Mona" because she is so good at karaoke - true story. Anyway, due to my totally split feelings on Carly's performance, I can only give her rendition of "Superstar," fittingly, a Jesus Christ Superstar. David Cook then smarms us into the next commercial break...
David Cook is singing "Music of the Night," which Andrew Lloyd Webber points out is one of the most sexy songs he's ever written. This makes me laugh because ALW totally reminds me of someone's awkward dad in all of these rehearsal clips. David Cook is like, "Umm, thanks Dad?" His performance is quite good, and he hits all of the money notes perfectly and satisfyingly even if the rest of it comes off a little under-rehearsed. Randy calls it an "amazing vocal," which is just not true. The vocal was good, indeed it was surprisingly good, and far better than most other vocal performances tonight, parts of it were even great, but nothing about this performance was even in the zip code of "amazing." It's especially frustrating here because a truly amazing vocal on this song was clearly within David's natural ability (as opposed to Jason or Brooke), and he didn't quite make it happen - he also made the boring choice of keeping his delivery in the gray area between fabulous Broadway vocal and hip alt-rock styling, accomplishing neither of those aesthetics particularly well. Nonetheless, this is one of the only two performances from tonight I enjoyed, so David Cook earns the full Phantom of the Opera.
My overall verdict on tonight was that it was less good than Mariah week, more good than Idol Gives Back week, and overall about as enjoyable as one of Andrew Lloyd Webber's shows. Ooh, burn, Idol!
But let me be the first to volunteer that I absolutely disagree about Brooke. That is, I agree with the judges. And I mean, maybe there's not much to do at this point, but I hate that it's like she has just given up on trying to sing well. Of course she's never going to have the range or the refined technique of some other contestants on the show, but she could at least try to breathe properly and support her voice and work on sounding more professional/mature with the capabilities she has.
Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself here! Welcome, it is Andrew Lloyd Webber night... and since fully one third of the remaining contestants aren't really good singers, the fact that this is going to suck should come as no surprise. Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber is in the audience looking a little like Prince Gerhardt at this time.
In standard fashion, I will be grading the contestants on the following scale: "Phantom of the Opera" (very good), "Evita" (passable), "Jesus Christ Superstar" (okay bordering on lame), "Cats" (utterly horrific), and "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" (you have got to be fucking kidding me).
Syesha is up first. I feel like I can start referring to them by first name only, now that we're down to six. She sings "One Rock & Roll Too Many," which I have never heard before, but just learned via Google is from Starlight Express. Which I have also never heard of. Fair enough. Syesha, by the way, is GREAT on this number. She really belongs to an earlier season of this show. She's wearing this smokin' outfit and sassily dancing around the stage flirting with Rickey Minor and the orchestra. You know, I don't like Syesha, but I have to give her credit for actually doing this theme justice instead of wussing out and avoiding the theme like everyone else has done week in and week out. I give her a solid Phantom of the Opera.
Jason whines and whimpers and hyperventilates (literally, he is gasping for air every every third word like he's on his deathbed) through "Memory." Randy says that he thought it was a musical and vocal trainwreck, but he liked the fact that Jason has dreadlocks. I'm just taking the notes here, folks. I agree with Randy, minus the second part, so I'm giving Jason an out-and-out Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.
Brooke is next, and you can tell in the rehearsal footage that ALW hates her, which makes me feel kind of bad. He comments that none of the contestants seems to know the context of the songs they're singing, and this kind of blows my mind. I mean, you can't always track down the private diaries of a pop artist to find out what they really meant to communicate in a particular song, but the whole thing about songs from musicals is that there is, you know... an entire musical to help you figure out what the song means. It's not exactly classified information. Wikipedia that shit, please. Anyway, enough about Brooke, you know I'm giving her a Cats. Sorry, Brooke.
D'Arch has one thousand sisters, we find out right before his performance. He is singing "Think of Me," and it's nice to know he can't only sing Phil Collins style pop ballads; he can in fact also sing musical theatre numbers reimagined as Phil Collins style pop ballads. Cool. I wasn't blown out of my socks or anything, but I thought David did a serviceable and smart job with this song. He earns an Evita from me. Meanwhile, David's dad in the audience has recently traded in his signature douchey hat for an even douchier hat. Because this is the part of the competition where everyone needs to step up their game.
Carly is up next, which means David Cook is last. Man, I love this blustering, ham-handed show. Carly sings "Superstar," and I'm really conflicted on this performance... on the plus side, it's good. It's fun. It doesn't wimp out. Rickey Minor is busting a freakin' MOVE during it. On the other hand, she's chosen a key which puts the chorus of the song just barely out of her range, so I spend the majority of the time bracing myself for the inevitable destruction of her glottis. Also, Carly just cannot help looking like someone's mom doing karaoke. Granted, it's someone's mom who's really, really good at karaoke. You know, like Mike's mom, who they call "Mona" because she is so good at karaoke - true story. Anyway, due to my totally split feelings on Carly's performance, I can only give her rendition of "Superstar," fittingly, a Jesus Christ Superstar. David Cook then smarms us into the next commercial break...
David Cook is singing "Music of the Night," which Andrew Lloyd Webber points out is one of the most sexy songs he's ever written. This makes me laugh because ALW totally reminds me of someone's awkward dad in all of these rehearsal clips. David Cook is like, "Umm, thanks Dad?" His performance is quite good, and he hits all of the money notes perfectly and satisfyingly even if the rest of it comes off a little under-rehearsed. Randy calls it an "amazing vocal," which is just not true. The vocal was good, indeed it was surprisingly good, and far better than most other vocal performances tonight, parts of it were even great, but nothing about this performance was even in the zip code of "amazing." It's especially frustrating here because a truly amazing vocal on this song was clearly within David's natural ability (as opposed to Jason or Brooke), and he didn't quite make it happen - he also made the boring choice of keeping his delivery in the gray area between fabulous Broadway vocal and hip alt-rock styling, accomplishing neither of those aesthetics particularly well. Nonetheless, this is one of the only two performances from tonight I enjoyed, so David Cook earns the full Phantom of the Opera.
My overall verdict on tonight was that it was less good than Mariah week, more good than Idol Gives Back week, and overall about as enjoyable as one of Andrew Lloyd Webber's shows. Ooh, burn, Idol!
Just 1 Thing
OK, I don't have time to write a full recap right now because I'm going to MARVITA-FROM-AMERICA'S-NEXT-TOP-MODEL'S BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!!!! Yeah, take a few more seconds to digest that last sentence. As Marvita would say, "This ho be trippin!" And you better believe I'll be blogging about that shit. But, I had to make a comment about one moment from Idol tonight.
I loved Brooke White's performance. I thought it was awesome. And I don't think she messed up on purpose, but if she did it was brilliant because it only made me love her more. I've never disagreed so much with the judges. Even Paula was all hatin' on it. Maybe I have been duped. Maybe nobody agrees with me, but I loved me some Brooke White.
A full recap will be coming once I finish bumpin' uglies with some top models! In the mean time you can read my belated take on last week's performances! It has a hilarious story from my youth!
I loved Brooke White's performance. I thought it was awesome. And I don't think she messed up on purpose, but if she did it was brilliant because it only made me love her more. I've never disagreed so much with the judges. Even Paula was all hatin' on it. Maybe I have been duped. Maybe nobody agrees with me, but I loved me some Brooke White.
A full recap will be coming once I finish bumpin' uglies with some top models! In the mean time you can read my belated take on last week's performances! It has a hilarious story from my youth!
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Idol top 7: Oh Man! Remember When Mariah Carey Was Awesome?!
Like Liz, I also felt slightly sad watching the shells of Paula Abdul and Mariah Carey blather on, incoherently, through their collective, drug-induced haze. Truth be told, when I was little I was more of a Janet Jackson fan than a Paula fan. In fact, funny story, I was 75% convinced that Paula was cheating off of Janet, like, in some kind of "how-to-succeed-as-a-female-pop-artist-test". It got so bad that when I was 8 years old I was in this $1 store with my mom and there was both a Janet Jackson and a Paula Abdul 1991 monthly calender, and I sat my mom down and showed her, month by month, how Paula was clearly just stealing all of Janet's awesome poses. "Like Paula could really think of posing on the beach with a beach ball," I said to my horror-stricken but trying to be supportive mother, "she's clearly just sending spies to Janet's photo shoots and copying the results!" I did however own two copies of Paula's Shut Up and Dance: The Remixes album, so my hatred for her ran shallow at best. I just couldn't resist a 7 minute techno remix of "Forever Your Girl"! And, honestly, what normal 8 year-old boy could?
But Mariah, oh did I love me some Mariah. Maybe it was the years of listening to Paula, and Janet, and Madonna, but when Mariah ripped into Vision of Love my love of divas was forever awoken. More importantly, her video for Someday taught me ALL the dance moves I used for the next 5 years of my life.
Anyway, again like Liz, I was bracing for the absolute butchering of my favorite Mariah songs (back before she started singing all the verses of her songs like Pebbles from The Flinstones). And I too was surprisingly happy with the results. Oh, excpet for that for the fact that nobody sang All I want for Christmas is You. That would have been amazing.
David Archuletta went first and there was a time I was obsessed with this kid in a completely inappropriate way. I've been trying to think what went wrong. I've decided it's like when you get an awesome and delicious cake for your birthday. The first piece is so good that you can't imagine ever having a better piece of cake, or too much of this particular confection. Ofcourse there's too much and you take the remaining cake home and, over the next few days, eat the rest. The problem is the cake never changes, and, after a while, you get used to it's tastiness, and you get a little tired of it. Not to mention the cake is getting stale and even if you were to eat a piece for the first time is still wouldn't be as good as when it was first baked. That's David Archuletta, a once delish cake that has become stale and of which we have eaten too much.
Next up is Carly Smithson who I explicitly told to sing something upbeat and fun that shows she can enjoy herself on stage. She screams "Without You"...son of a bitch.
I have officially forgiven Syesha Mercado for existing this season because of the end of this song. The part when she was like "vaaa-aaa-aaa-aaa-aaa-aaa-AAnishing, oooooooh, awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay", that was great. This season has been rough for me, what with the new focus on rockers and folk singers and 12 year-old ballad boys. But at least for this moment she reminded me of divas past. Unfortunately for Syesha, she's Syesha. So I see one more week tops.
I also agree with Liz on the whole Brooke White has never been able to sing songs like this thing. Are the judges seriously just realizing this now? Who have they been watching for the last several months? Brooke's schtick is to be awkward and folksy and sing like Carly Simon. I thought she was fine except when she screwed up playing the piano. But Brooke again did my favorite Brooke-White-thing which is when she tells the audience "it's ok, it's ok." I just love it because she seems like she's genuinely trying to dissuade an angry mob of her fans from storming the stage. It's wonderfully self-important.
So since I'm writing this now I know that Kristy Lee Cook got the boot. I'm sad about this because I had started to root for her in an underdog way. I would think, there's no way she could possibly be safe again. She is?! Huzzah! Also, next week is Andrew Lloyd Webber week and Kristy has clearly stolen all her awkward arm motions from "Don't Cry for Me Argentina" in Evita. It would have been so perfect for her. Alas, she's gone, but I'll remember her "foreeveeeeeeeeer".
David Cook was awesome. The end.
Jason Castro finished off the show. There was an awesome moment during his montage with Mariah where she gave him a melody he might want to use in the song and Jason looks shocked, SHOCKED, that Mariah Carey just said something musically intelligent to him. Seriously, he even comments about how "he actually liked it." Dude, I know you don't like pop music and are unfamiliar with this women's work, but c'mon! It's Mariah Carey! He acted like he just got great musical advice from Marlee Matlin. Anyway, I like Jason a lot and I really liked this song, however, I know lots of people whom I trust that hate Jason. Maybe I'm just hypnotized by his dreadlocks.
Ok so coming up is Andrew Lloyd Webber week. I think Carly Smithson will sing "I Don't Know how to Love Him", Brooke White will sing "Memories", David Cook will sing "Jesus Christ Superstar", Syesha will sing "Don't Cry for me Argentina", David A will sing "All I ask of You", and Jason will sing "Jellicle Cats"...obvs.
PS - that is a legit, non-ironic video of an actual broadway production of Cats. God, I hate you, Andrew Lloyd Webber.
But Mariah, oh did I love me some Mariah. Maybe it was the years of listening to Paula, and Janet, and Madonna, but when Mariah ripped into Vision of Love my love of divas was forever awoken. More importantly, her video for Someday taught me ALL the dance moves I used for the next 5 years of my life.
Anyway, again like Liz, I was bracing for the absolute butchering of my favorite Mariah songs (back before she started singing all the verses of her songs like Pebbles from The Flinstones). And I too was surprisingly happy with the results. Oh, excpet for that for the fact that nobody sang All I want for Christmas is You. That would have been amazing.
David Archuletta went first and there was a time I was obsessed with this kid in a completely inappropriate way. I've been trying to think what went wrong. I've decided it's like when you get an awesome and delicious cake for your birthday. The first piece is so good that you can't imagine ever having a better piece of cake, or too much of this particular confection. Ofcourse there's too much and you take the remaining cake home and, over the next few days, eat the rest. The problem is the cake never changes, and, after a while, you get used to it's tastiness, and you get a little tired of it. Not to mention the cake is getting stale and even if you were to eat a piece for the first time is still wouldn't be as good as when it was first baked. That's David Archuletta, a once delish cake that has become stale and of which we have eaten too much.
Next up is Carly Smithson who I explicitly told to sing something upbeat and fun that shows she can enjoy herself on stage. She screams "Without You"...son of a bitch.
I have officially forgiven Syesha Mercado for existing this season because of the end of this song. The part when she was like "vaaa-aaa-aaa-aaa-aaa-aaa-AAnishing, oooooooh, awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay", that was great. This season has been rough for me, what with the new focus on rockers and folk singers and 12 year-old ballad boys. But at least for this moment she reminded me of divas past. Unfortunately for Syesha, she's Syesha. So I see one more week tops.
I also agree with Liz on the whole Brooke White has never been able to sing songs like this thing. Are the judges seriously just realizing this now? Who have they been watching for the last several months? Brooke's schtick is to be awkward and folksy and sing like Carly Simon. I thought she was fine except when she screwed up playing the piano. But Brooke again did my favorite Brooke-White-thing which is when she tells the audience "it's ok, it's ok." I just love it because she seems like she's genuinely trying to dissuade an angry mob of her fans from storming the stage. It's wonderfully self-important.
So since I'm writing this now I know that Kristy Lee Cook got the boot. I'm sad about this because I had started to root for her in an underdog way. I would think, there's no way she could possibly be safe again. She is?! Huzzah! Also, next week is Andrew Lloyd Webber week and Kristy has clearly stolen all her awkward arm motions from "Don't Cry for Me Argentina" in Evita. It would have been so perfect for her. Alas, she's gone, but I'll remember her "foreeveeeeeeeeer".
David Cook was awesome. The end.
Jason Castro finished off the show. There was an awesome moment during his montage with Mariah where she gave him a melody he might want to use in the song and Jason looks shocked, SHOCKED, that Mariah Carey just said something musically intelligent to him. Seriously, he even comments about how "he actually liked it." Dude, I know you don't like pop music and are unfamiliar with this women's work, but c'mon! It's Mariah Carey! He acted like he just got great musical advice from Marlee Matlin. Anyway, I like Jason a lot and I really liked this song, however, I know lots of people whom I trust that hate Jason. Maybe I'm just hypnotized by his dreadlocks.
Ok so coming up is Andrew Lloyd Webber week. I think Carly Smithson will sing "I Don't Know how to Love Him", Brooke White will sing "Memories", David Cook will sing "Jesus Christ Superstar", Syesha will sing "Don't Cry for me Argentina", David A will sing "All I ask of You", and Jason will sing "Jellicle Cats"...obvs.
PS - that is a legit, non-ironic video of an actual broadway production of Cats. God, I hate you, Andrew Lloyd Webber.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Idol's Top 7: My pleas for more cancer on this show have finally been heard!
Tonight, Ryan reminisces about the "shockwaves" created by Michael Johns' elimination. Mariah Carey is in the guest mentor, and here are our Top 7. As the final show before the Idols start singing two songs apiece, the Top 7 show is probably, mathematically speaking, the most filler-tastic episode of the whole season. So Paula's word allowance has been doubled for the evening.
In an intro package about Mariah, we see her rollerskating, swimming, and taking a bath in various music videos, and we find out that she apparently has a five-octave range. Which is four and a half more octaves than Brooke White. So this should be fun. Mariah has shown up in the rehearsal space with her best pair of high waisted tapered sailor pants and her dog.
Here is what I love about tonight - and honestly, I love a lot of things about tonight, not least the fact that it fails to be the trainwreck I had steeled myself for. What I love about tonight is that here are Mariah Carey and Paula Abdul, two of these total musical giants of my youth, both on a show together two decades later. And they've both become these batshit insane pop culture sideshows in the meantime. Tonight's show makes me wish I had kids of conversational age, so I could tell them all about how when I was their age, Mariah Carey and Paula Abdul were awesome unironically. And that the best music video ever was the one where Paula and a rapping cartoon cat sang and tapdanced about how they were dating even though he liked the movies, and she liked TV. Who'd have thought they could be lovers?! Their relationship was just so unlikely! You know, because of their personalities.
Yeah, you're welcome.
David Archuleta is up first, to remind us that "When You Believe"... leather pants become acceptable for public wearing on television? Okay. He sounds fine, and miracles are happening or whatever, and I take this opportunity to go get a snack. I usually don't get a chance to have a snack so early in the show, so thanks, Archie! I liked your performance. It was delicious.
Carly Smithson sings "Without You," which has a seriously special place in my heart for having been featured in a little movie Mike and I were making about ourselves five years ago. I like Carly's voice except for when she's mercilessly abusing her upper range, which is exactly where the latter half of this song falls. Randy chooses this song on which to unleash this season's most incoherent judge comment to date. What he says, verbatim, is that it was "a little not quite loosey goosey for me." Paula, Randy is totally cheating off of your test!
I forgot Syesha Mercado was here. Is it too soon for another snack? She sings "Vanishing," and it's serviceable but quite flat a lot of the time. Simon uses her critique as an opportunity to randomly state that David Archuleta is the one to beat. Um... thanks for sharing?
Brooke White is singing "Hero." I disagree with the rest of the universe (read: Randy) here, and think the song was only okay until she got to the bridge and let loose, and then it was bitchin'. I think Brooke has been playing it way too safe vocally, and I like that she goes for it here. Simon points out that her voice was not really strong enough to carry the song... to which I can only respond, "Hi, welcome to having Brooke on the show." I'm glad it's taken them this long to realize she doesn't have a really good voice. I hope Simon has also recently noticed that those "Pogs" are certainly popular with kids these days.
Mariah Carey likes Kristy Lee Cook's version of "Forever" better than her own, and... so do I? Especially if you ignore the really awkward porny/dead faces she makes when she sings, Kristy actually does a really good job on this song. I officially like her. Don't get me wrong, I think she sucks, but I really have no objections to her continuing to be on the show. Kristy Lee, we are not in a fight. Please lend me a sparkly top this weekend.
My therapist tells me I can't write about David Cook anymore. Or his cute haircut. Or his brother who has brain cancer in the audience. Or his stirring, sexy man-tears. Seriously, I would be irritated at having been so manipulated by this show, but I'm too busy reverse-badooping that performance and weeping softly.
Jason Castro sings "I Don't Want to Cry" with some bongo accompaniment, and I continue to fail to care whatsoever. More rewinding to David Cook!
It'll be interesting to see who goes home. Obviously this show is so done with all the girls. Carly or Brooke could be in danger, but is Idol ready for two "shocking" eliminations in a row? Meanwhile, I would prefer for KLC to outlast Syesha. My bets are spread four ways among all of 'em.
In an intro package about Mariah, we see her rollerskating, swimming, and taking a bath in various music videos, and we find out that she apparently has a five-octave range. Which is four and a half more octaves than Brooke White. So this should be fun. Mariah has shown up in the rehearsal space with her best pair of high waisted tapered sailor pants and her dog.
Here is what I love about tonight - and honestly, I love a lot of things about tonight, not least the fact that it fails to be the trainwreck I had steeled myself for. What I love about tonight is that here are Mariah Carey and Paula Abdul, two of these total musical giants of my youth, both on a show together two decades later. And they've both become these batshit insane pop culture sideshows in the meantime. Tonight's show makes me wish I had kids of conversational age, so I could tell them all about how when I was their age, Mariah Carey and Paula Abdul were awesome unironically. And that the best music video ever was the one where Paula and a rapping cartoon cat sang and tapdanced about how they were dating even though he liked the movies, and she liked TV. Who'd have thought they could be lovers?! Their relationship was just so unlikely! You know, because of their personalities.
Yeah, you're welcome.
David Archuleta is up first, to remind us that "When You Believe"... leather pants become acceptable for public wearing on television? Okay. He sounds fine, and miracles are happening or whatever, and I take this opportunity to go get a snack. I usually don't get a chance to have a snack so early in the show, so thanks, Archie! I liked your performance. It was delicious.
Carly Smithson sings "Without You," which has a seriously special place in my heart for having been featured in a little movie Mike and I were making about ourselves five years ago. I like Carly's voice except for when she's mercilessly abusing her upper range, which is exactly where the latter half of this song falls. Randy chooses this song on which to unleash this season's most incoherent judge comment to date. What he says, verbatim, is that it was "a little not quite loosey goosey for me." Paula, Randy is totally cheating off of your test!
I forgot Syesha Mercado was here. Is it too soon for another snack? She sings "Vanishing," and it's serviceable but quite flat a lot of the time. Simon uses her critique as an opportunity to randomly state that David Archuleta is the one to beat. Um... thanks for sharing?
Brooke White is singing "Hero." I disagree with the rest of the universe (read: Randy) here, and think the song was only okay until she got to the bridge and let loose, and then it was bitchin'. I think Brooke has been playing it way too safe vocally, and I like that she goes for it here. Simon points out that her voice was not really strong enough to carry the song... to which I can only respond, "Hi, welcome to having Brooke on the show." I'm glad it's taken them this long to realize she doesn't have a really good voice. I hope Simon has also recently noticed that those "Pogs" are certainly popular with kids these days.
Mariah Carey likes Kristy Lee Cook's version of "Forever" better than her own, and... so do I? Especially if you ignore the really awkward porny/dead faces she makes when she sings, Kristy actually does a really good job on this song. I officially like her. Don't get me wrong, I think she sucks, but I really have no objections to her continuing to be on the show. Kristy Lee, we are not in a fight. Please lend me a sparkly top this weekend.
My therapist tells me I can't write about David Cook anymore. Or his cute haircut. Or his brother who has brain cancer in the audience. Or his stirring, sexy man-tears. Seriously, I would be irritated at having been so manipulated by this show, but I'm too busy reverse-badooping that performance and weeping softly.
Jason Castro sings "I Don't Want to Cry" with some bongo accompaniment, and I continue to fail to care whatsoever. More rewinding to David Cook!
It'll be interesting to see who goes home. Obviously this show is so done with all the girls. Carly or Brooke could be in danger, but is Idol ready for two "shocking" eliminations in a row? Meanwhile, I would prefer for KLC to outlast Syesha. My bets are spread four ways among all of 'em.
Irish Eyes Are Weeping
Ladies and Gentleman, I would like to talk about my Dublin Dandy, my Belfast Belter, my Kilkenny KilCrooner, she's the Limerick lady with gams the size of Galway and teeth more crooked than a road in Tipperary: Carly Smithson!
It has come to my attention that many of you dislike, nay, despise, my Donegal Dame (ok i'm done with that now), and I understand. She has a great voice but, yes, she reeks of desperation when she's on stage. She just tries so hard, and it can become so very off-putting. She dresses, and looks, as Liz put it, like a 50 year-old divorcee and that whole "once had a recording contract with a major label and then her CD tanked" thing still lingers. But c'mon! When she's good she can be really good!
The judges don't even like her anymore! You can't argue that she's getting JordinSparks'd into the finale undeservingly, the Dawg is too busy creaming his manties over Archuletta, and Simon has major boners for David Cook. Speaking of the Archulator, he is the one who deserves all our ire for his pageant performances and songs about imaginary troubling life experiences he has never had. For the love of God, Kristy Lee Cook is still on the show! So can we cool it on the Carly hating? Because, and this is the most important part, she is #2 in my idol pool and I swear to jebus if you guys mess this up for me I will turn this blog right around and we will go home and there will be no Fribbles for anyone!
And so, for my Ballykissangel Babe (I promise that's the last one), here is how she can come in 2nd place this season on Idol. I view Carly much like Kat McPhee from season 5. Kat was considered a long shot around top 7 week, with front runners like Daughtry and Paris Bennet standing in her way, and Carly also has some major contenders standing in her path this year. Here is a short term goal for Mariah Carey week: sing something fun! Like maybe Emotions, or Fantasy. She just needs to keep it light and enjoy herself. Maybe if she stops furrowing her brow and making constipation faces when she sings people will warm up to her.
If she keeps it light during MC week I think she'll get somewhat back in the running and Syesha will get the boot. Then, during top 6 week, no matter what the category, I think Kristy Lee will finally get the boot as the truly crappy don't usually last beyond the top 6 (see kellie pickler). So now we're in the top 5 with the Davids, Brooke and Jason. It's at this point that hopefully Carly has achieved some long term goals: dressing like a young person, singing a string of happy songs, and changing her "if I lose I will kill myself in front of all of you" attitude. With these changes she can outlast Brooke at the top 5, survive the shocking elimination of David Cook in the final four, and squeak by Jason Castro into the finale. This would not be in the exact order I originally predicted but would still safely give me the office pool victory and isn't completely beyond reason.
On the other hand, Carly could scream "I'd Give My All" and get sent home tomorrow. But I'm holding out hope, that my Upper Grangerosnolvinshire....girl...will come through!
It has come to my attention that many of you dislike, nay, despise, my Donegal Dame (ok i'm done with that now), and I understand. She has a great voice but, yes, she reeks of desperation when she's on stage. She just tries so hard, and it can become so very off-putting. She dresses, and looks, as Liz put it, like a 50 year-old divorcee and that whole "once had a recording contract with a major label and then her CD tanked" thing still lingers. But c'mon! When she's good she can be really good!
The judges don't even like her anymore! You can't argue that she's getting JordinSparks'd into the finale undeservingly, the Dawg is too busy creaming his manties over Archuletta, and Simon has major boners for David Cook. Speaking of the Archulator, he is the one who deserves all our ire for his pageant performances and songs about imaginary troubling life experiences he has never had. For the love of God, Kristy Lee Cook is still on the show! So can we cool it on the Carly hating? Because, and this is the most important part, she is #2 in my idol pool and I swear to jebus if you guys mess this up for me I will turn this blog right around and we will go home and there will be no Fribbles for anyone!
And so, for my Ballykissangel Babe (I promise that's the last one), here is how she can come in 2nd place this season on Idol. I view Carly much like Kat McPhee from season 5. Kat was considered a long shot around top 7 week, with front runners like Daughtry and Paris Bennet standing in her way, and Carly also has some major contenders standing in her path this year. Here is a short term goal for Mariah Carey week: sing something fun! Like maybe Emotions, or Fantasy. She just needs to keep it light and enjoy herself. Maybe if she stops furrowing her brow and making constipation faces when she sings people will warm up to her.
If she keeps it light during MC week I think she'll get somewhat back in the running and Syesha will get the boot. Then, during top 6 week, no matter what the category, I think Kristy Lee will finally get the boot as the truly crappy don't usually last beyond the top 6 (see kellie pickler). So now we're in the top 5 with the Davids, Brooke and Jason. It's at this point that hopefully Carly has achieved some long term goals: dressing like a young person, singing a string of happy songs, and changing her "if I lose I will kill myself in front of all of you" attitude. With these changes she can outlast Brooke at the top 5, survive the shocking elimination of David Cook in the final four, and squeak by Jason Castro into the finale. This would not be in the exact order I originally predicted but would still safely give me the office pool victory and isn't completely beyond reason.
On the other hand, Carly could scream "I'd Give My All" and get sent home tomorrow. But I'm holding out hope, that my Upper Grangerosnolvinshire....girl...will come through!
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Idol's Top 8: "I caught something you may have done that's very inspirational on your hand."
That subject line is a direct Paula quote from tonight. I love that Paula is someone for whom being absolutely trashed leads to such sophisticated recursive syntax.
But more importantly, Paula has donned her best taupe sausage casing for tonight, so you know it's all going to be very inspirational. Because of this and in tribute to recursion, I will be adopting the highly technical "inspirationalityness quotient" rubric for grading this evening.
Michael Johns gets on stage right quick, and is once again sporting an oh-so-current cravat under his shirt. What is with this guy? He has chosen "Dream On" as his inspirational song, and... of all the songs in the world, seriously? He explains that this song is inspirational to him because he came to this country with a dream. Just like Fievel. It's just okay, until the end when he sings some high notes that sound not unlike a bunch of girls who have just received some interesting Tyra mail. Inspirationalityness quotient: a "Hang in there" kitten poster.
Syesha Mercado smirks a bit about how Ramiele was the only one of the group who really "got" her, and wow, what a slam to all of the other contestants! Clearly Syesha is just way too complex for them. And also loves herself enough to choose a freaking coronation song from a previous season of Idol for her performance this week. She does that screeching Mariah thing we all love so much, and then argues with the judges about whether or not it's fair to compare her to Fantasia, and it makes about as much sense as arguing that your Christopher Walken impression should not be compared to the actual Christopher Walken. I really hope Syesha goes home this week, because I think given the context that this song would be hilarious as a sing-out. Inspirationalityness quotient: a chain email containing a poem about prom night.
Jason Castro sings "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" in the style of that guy from 50 First Dates, and sorry Mike, I just didn't get it. I just can't get over Jason's gaspy breathing and dopey faces, though I didn't think the vocals were that bad. What I did find funny is that although this version of the song uses "wrong" lyrics (or really, the right lyrics in the wrong places) intentionally, the wrong lyrics Jason was singing didn't appear to be the same wrong lyrics as in the recording... which made it seem like he was just randomly singing lines. Oh, also I hate him. Inspirationalityness quotient: an advertisement for new diabetes medication.
Kristy Lee Cook sings a song about how she's still on the show even though no one is voting for her. Inspirationalityness quotient: a sheet of limited edition Eleanor Roosevelt postage stamps.
David Cook wears a weird white marching band jacket and sings an Our Lady Peace song. There are two of us living in this apartment, BTW, and we constitute a cumulative 40% of People On Earth Who Have Ever Heard This Song Before. It's an odd choice, and in absolutely the wrong key. As he finishes singing, David walks up to the judges' table, and then reveals to the camera very seriously that he has written the words "GIVE BACK" in Sharpie on the palm of his hand. OH NO HE DIDN'T. WOW. OH WOW. THAT MAY JUST BE THE SINGLE MOST SELF-INDULGENT THING I HAVE EVER SEEN ON THIS SHOW. WHOA. I actually have to pause the TiVo to gape and marvel at the absolute gall of something so obnoxiously, balls-out self-important. I literally can't believe he just did that. It's disgusting. I LOVE IT. Inspirationalityness quotient: a very special episode of My So-Called Life.
Carly Smithson is going to sing "The Show Must Go On," and unless she plans to outdo Paris Bennett's totally fabulous and bizarre showstopper of a performance from two seasons ago, I am not interested. In a refreshing departure from the style missteps of weeks past, she is wearing... oh, nevermind, it's high-waisted pants again. Do you realize how few letters away her name is from being transformed into "Carnie Wilson?" Carly, you are on notice. Inspirationalityness quotient: a roast beef sandwich (no chips).
David Archuleta thought long and hard about what he was going to sing tonight, and finally decided on "The Thong Song." Which should make us all a little bit more aware of the struggles faced by people in the world who are unfairly burdened by dumps that are like a truck. Inspirationalityness quotient: "The Thong Song."
Brooke White is singing a song from Mike's favorite album of all time. It's not bad, but it doesn't really work. She needs a piano or a guitar for this, because the song is just not interesting enough musically - and Brooke doesn't have enough of a stand-out voice - to sing it just standing there at the microphone. Her hair is also aging her about twenty years right now. Overall, I'm unimpressed. Inpirationalityness quotient: a betassled hospital gift shop bookmark telling the story of a single set of footprints on the beach.
In summary...
These songs were only "inspirational" in the very loosest sense. Most people reached for things outside the range of their actual talent. David Cook repulsed and delighted me. Curiously, there was less mention of Our Lord and Savior this week than last. High-waisted pants are still trying to convince us they're back. Aaand Syesha is a giant bitch. You could have skipped this one! Good night!
But more importantly, Paula has donned her best taupe sausage casing for tonight, so you know it's all going to be very inspirational. Because of this and in tribute to recursion, I will be adopting the highly technical "inspirationalityness quotient" rubric for grading this evening.
Michael Johns gets on stage right quick, and is once again sporting an oh-so-current cravat under his shirt. What is with this guy? He has chosen "Dream On" as his inspirational song, and... of all the songs in the world, seriously? He explains that this song is inspirational to him because he came to this country with a dream. Just like Fievel. It's just okay, until the end when he sings some high notes that sound not unlike a bunch of girls who have just received some interesting Tyra mail. Inspirationalityness quotient: a "Hang in there" kitten poster.
Syesha Mercado smirks a bit about how Ramiele was the only one of the group who really "got" her, and wow, what a slam to all of the other contestants! Clearly Syesha is just way too complex for them. And also loves herself enough to choose a freaking coronation song from a previous season of Idol for her performance this week. She does that screeching Mariah thing we all love so much, and then argues with the judges about whether or not it's fair to compare her to Fantasia, and it makes about as much sense as arguing that your Christopher Walken impression should not be compared to the actual Christopher Walken. I really hope Syesha goes home this week, because I think given the context that this song would be hilarious as a sing-out. Inspirationalityness quotient: a chain email containing a poem about prom night.
Jason Castro sings "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" in the style of that guy from 50 First Dates, and sorry Mike, I just didn't get it. I just can't get over Jason's gaspy breathing and dopey faces, though I didn't think the vocals were that bad. What I did find funny is that although this version of the song uses "wrong" lyrics (or really, the right lyrics in the wrong places) intentionally, the wrong lyrics Jason was singing didn't appear to be the same wrong lyrics as in the recording... which made it seem like he was just randomly singing lines. Oh, also I hate him. Inspirationalityness quotient: an advertisement for new diabetes medication.
Kristy Lee Cook sings a song about how she's still on the show even though no one is voting for her. Inspirationalityness quotient: a sheet of limited edition Eleanor Roosevelt postage stamps.
David Cook wears a weird white marching band jacket and sings an Our Lady Peace song. There are two of us living in this apartment, BTW, and we constitute a cumulative 40% of People On Earth Who Have Ever Heard This Song Before. It's an odd choice, and in absolutely the wrong key. As he finishes singing, David walks up to the judges' table, and then reveals to the camera very seriously that he has written the words "GIVE BACK" in Sharpie on the palm of his hand. OH NO HE DIDN'T. WOW. OH WOW. THAT MAY JUST BE THE SINGLE MOST SELF-INDULGENT THING I HAVE EVER SEEN ON THIS SHOW. WHOA. I actually have to pause the TiVo to gape and marvel at the absolute gall of something so obnoxiously, balls-out self-important. I literally can't believe he just did that. It's disgusting. I LOVE IT. Inspirationalityness quotient: a very special episode of My So-Called Life.
Carly Smithson is going to sing "The Show Must Go On," and unless she plans to outdo Paris Bennett's totally fabulous and bizarre showstopper of a performance from two seasons ago, I am not interested. In a refreshing departure from the style missteps of weeks past, she is wearing... oh, nevermind, it's high-waisted pants again. Do you realize how few letters away her name is from being transformed into "Carnie Wilson?" Carly, you are on notice. Inspirationalityness quotient: a roast beef sandwich (no chips).
David Archuleta thought long and hard about what he was going to sing tonight, and finally decided on "The Thong Song." Which should make us all a little bit more aware of the struggles faced by people in the world who are unfairly burdened by dumps that are like a truck. Inspirationalityness quotient: "The Thong Song."
Brooke White is singing a song from Mike's favorite album of all time. It's not bad, but it doesn't really work. She needs a piano or a guitar for this, because the song is just not interesting enough musically - and Brooke doesn't have enough of a stand-out voice - to sing it just standing there at the microphone. Her hair is also aging her about twenty years right now. Overall, I'm unimpressed. Inpirationalityness quotient: a betassled hospital gift shop bookmark telling the story of a single set of footprints on the beach.
In summary...
These songs were only "inspirational" in the very loosest sense. Most people reached for things outside the range of their actual talent. David Cook repulsed and delighted me. Curiously, there was less mention of Our Lord and Savior this week than last. High-waisted pants are still trying to convince us they're back. Aaand Syesha is a giant bitch. You could have skipped this one! Good night!
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Top 8: David Cook's Hand DEMANDS You Give Back
So I, like Liz, must apologize for never writing about last week's Idol. I have a stupid incapacitating head cold that refuses to go away. On the plus side my illness has allowed me to skip a day of work (and write that awesome post about Battlestar Galactica!), and because the cold still won't go away I'm practically rolling on NyQuil. Seriously, I am like full-on Paula-Abdul-Season-4-clapping-like-a-seal-crying-when-Bo-Bice-sings kinda effed up right now. Soooo...this should be interesting.
Tonight is Idol Gives Back, so I am going to grade the singers based on how much their peformances make me wanna donate shit to people.
Michael Johns has really been on a roll lately which sucks for this guy ::points thumbs at self:: because he is not in the top 5 of my idol pool. My top 5, which I had to pick on the FIRST WEEK OF THE SEMIFINALS is 1) David Archuletta, 2) Carly Smithson, 3) David Cook, 4) Brooke White, 5) Jason Castro. Our pools works though that you only get points once the top 5 starts. You get 1 point for all the people in the top 5 you get right, 2 points for all those in the top four, and so on. Anyway my point is I'm excited Michael decided to scrap any kind of originality and just do a serviceable karaoke copycat version of "Dream On". Grade: Mabes I'll give some money to that homeless guy on 14th street who calls me "pretty lady" every morning.
Next up is Syesha Mercado. My favorite game with Syesha is to pick the schmaltzy over-the-top ballad she's going to sing before she tells us what it's going to be. You can try it at home it's fun! It's a lot like "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader" because you always know the answer. Syesha is also like "5th Grader" because she's absolutely infuriating. She breaks so many Idol rules with her performance of "I Believe". 1) Never sing an Idol Winner song because they suck and everyone associates them with that year's winner. 2) NEVER EVER sing a song that people associate with Fantasia because it won't be as good as her performance. 3) Do not sing "I Believe" because it sucks and was only good because Fantasia transcended when she sang it. Anyway tonight continues to go well for my top 5 prospects, and bad for Americans who enjoy music. Grade: "Give me that change back, crazy 14th-Street homeless man!"
Jason Castro sings Israel Kamakamiwo'ole's (take that Asia'h!) version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow". I can not stress how much I love this version of this song. My dad loves this song too. He listens to one radio station every Sunday morning because he knows they'll play it at some point in time, so he listens to that one station all morning. It's just heartbreaking, and uplifting, and perfect all at once. Needless to say I loved Jason's version too. In fact it was my first "Idol Moment" this season. Something I'll you tube forevs. Grade: How much do they need to provide irrigation for all of the Darfur region of Sudan? Because I'll pay for it.
So for the first time this season someone was pitchy during a song and Randy correctly told them they were pitchy. I knew Kristy Lee was here for a reason! She sang some song about God and praying and life being sucky but that's ok because God is the bomb.com. I'm excited that she sang passably because that means no sympathy votes and a potential elimination. But she did sing about God and praying so that could mean she's safe again. Grade: Ugh, fine, the change goes back to the homeless man.
David Cook considers himself the most important person in the world. Seriously he could not have been more self-important from his stupid white jacket, to his sad-face mugging for the camera, to his message written on his hand that he flashed to the camera "Give Back". More like give me back....those 90 seconds of my life...you just wasted. Asshole. Grade: I'm taking back my change AND I'm stealing the homeless man's shopping cart. I bet it's full of fun surprises! Seriously being homeless can't be that bad because you have that shopping cart full of crap you've been collecting forever. So when you dig through it's like christmas every time! Ooooo, new beer bottles! Someone's cashing these in and buying a twinkie! yaaaaay nyquiiiiiiiil.
What the eff is wrong with Carly Smithson? She was a lock for the top 2 and now she's dressing like a harajuku girl screaming Queen songs with no emotional connection. Sistah needs to step it up because she is #2 in my idol pool and daddy needs a new pair of kicks. Seriously Carly, what do you think I am one of those homeless people with their carts full of cool stuff? Not all of us have shopping carts full of coll stuff, Carly! Some of us need you to do well so we can win money in our office idol pools. Grade: I am willing to donate Carly some clothes and a few decent song choices...I bet I can find them in the homeless man's shopping cart.
David Archuletta has great diction...and I AM a sucker for great diction. I am also a sucker for this song (Robbie Williams "Angels"). He sings it fine, whatevs, the real important part of this sequence is a poster that is shown in the audience. The poster reads: Lick Those Lips. It has a picture of David Archuletta and lots of lips on it. It would be creepy enough if it was held by say, a teenage girl, but oh no. This sign is held by whats looks to be a 8 year old girl and her pedophile dad. Is Idol giving back to NAMBLA this year? Grade: I'd give a few old pairs of flair jeans to the goodwill.
The show ends with Brooke White, who's favorite album is Tapestry by Carol King. Tapestry is my favorite album of all-time. I thought Brooke sang this song just fine. It reminded me of a really nice high school talent show. Brooke and Paula share their love with one another...I share my love with NyQuil. Grade: I would donate some old VHS tapes to needy kids. Who wants the live-action "Rainbow Brite's Perfect Day at the Zoo"?!?!
OK, I think the bottom 3 will be Syesha, Kristy, and Michael Johns because they are the three people not in my top 5. Night!
Tonight is Idol Gives Back, so I am going to grade the singers based on how much their peformances make me wanna donate shit to people.
Michael Johns has really been on a roll lately which sucks for this guy ::points thumbs at self:: because he is not in the top 5 of my idol pool. My top 5, which I had to pick on the FIRST WEEK OF THE SEMIFINALS is 1) David Archuletta, 2) Carly Smithson, 3) David Cook, 4) Brooke White, 5) Jason Castro. Our pools works though that you only get points once the top 5 starts. You get 1 point for all the people in the top 5 you get right, 2 points for all those in the top four, and so on. Anyway my point is I'm excited Michael decided to scrap any kind of originality and just do a serviceable karaoke copycat version of "Dream On". Grade: Mabes I'll give some money to that homeless guy on 14th street who calls me "pretty lady" every morning.
Next up is Syesha Mercado. My favorite game with Syesha is to pick the schmaltzy over-the-top ballad she's going to sing before she tells us what it's going to be. You can try it at home it's fun! It's a lot like "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader" because you always know the answer. Syesha is also like "5th Grader" because she's absolutely infuriating. She breaks so many Idol rules with her performance of "I Believe". 1) Never sing an Idol Winner song because they suck and everyone associates them with that year's winner. 2) NEVER EVER sing a song that people associate with Fantasia because it won't be as good as her performance. 3) Do not sing "I Believe" because it sucks and was only good because Fantasia transcended when she sang it. Anyway tonight continues to go well for my top 5 prospects, and bad for Americans who enjoy music. Grade: "Give me that change back, crazy 14th-Street homeless man!"
Jason Castro sings Israel Kamakamiwo'ole's (take that Asia'h!) version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow". I can not stress how much I love this version of this song. My dad loves this song too. He listens to one radio station every Sunday morning because he knows they'll play it at some point in time, so he listens to that one station all morning. It's just heartbreaking, and uplifting, and perfect all at once. Needless to say I loved Jason's version too. In fact it was my first "Idol Moment" this season. Something I'll you tube forevs. Grade: How much do they need to provide irrigation for all of the Darfur region of Sudan? Because I'll pay for it.
So for the first time this season someone was pitchy during a song and Randy correctly told them they were pitchy. I knew Kristy Lee was here for a reason! She sang some song about God and praying and life being sucky but that's ok because God is the bomb.com. I'm excited that she sang passably because that means no sympathy votes and a potential elimination. But she did sing about God and praying so that could mean she's safe again. Grade: Ugh, fine, the change goes back to the homeless man.
David Cook considers himself the most important person in the world. Seriously he could not have been more self-important from his stupid white jacket, to his sad-face mugging for the camera, to his message written on his hand that he flashed to the camera "Give Back". More like give me back....those 90 seconds of my life...you just wasted. Asshole. Grade: I'm taking back my change AND I'm stealing the homeless man's shopping cart. I bet it's full of fun surprises! Seriously being homeless can't be that bad because you have that shopping cart full of crap you've been collecting forever. So when you dig through it's like christmas every time! Ooooo, new beer bottles! Someone's cashing these in and buying a twinkie! yaaaaay nyquiiiiiiiil.
What the eff is wrong with Carly Smithson? She was a lock for the top 2 and now she's dressing like a harajuku girl screaming Queen songs with no emotional connection. Sistah needs to step it up because she is #2 in my idol pool and daddy needs a new pair of kicks. Seriously Carly, what do you think I am one of those homeless people with their carts full of cool stuff? Not all of us have shopping carts full of coll stuff, Carly! Some of us need you to do well so we can win money in our office idol pools. Grade: I am willing to donate Carly some clothes and a few decent song choices...I bet I can find them in the homeless man's shopping cart.
David Archuletta has great diction...and I AM a sucker for great diction. I am also a sucker for this song (Robbie Williams "Angels"). He sings it fine, whatevs, the real important part of this sequence is a poster that is shown in the audience. The poster reads: Lick Those Lips. It has a picture of David Archuletta and lots of lips on it. It would be creepy enough if it was held by say, a teenage girl, but oh no. This sign is held by whats looks to be a 8 year old girl and her pedophile dad. Is Idol giving back to NAMBLA this year? Grade: I'd give a few old pairs of flair jeans to the goodwill.
The show ends with Brooke White, who's favorite album is Tapestry by Carol King. Tapestry is my favorite album of all-time. I thought Brooke sang this song just fine. It reminded me of a really nice high school talent show. Brooke and Paula share their love with one another...I share my love with NyQuil. Grade: I would donate some old VHS tapes to needy kids. Who wants the live-action "Rainbow Brite's Perfect Day at the Zoo"?!?!
OK, I think the bottom 3 will be Syesha, Kristy, and Michael Johns because they are the three people not in my top 5. Night!
Monday, April 7, 2008
Idol's Top 9: Jesus and Gravy
Please forgive me for being nigh on a week late with this Idol synopsis. Last Tuesday night I was otherwise engaged, and have been sitting on these notes for days now. I know it's all old news at this point, but to quickly summarize:
Randy wore a sweater. Paula wore a fleurchon. Simon wore a flowing leopard print sundress and some espadrilles.*
Dolly Parton wore lamé, announced that her songs were her children, and demonstrated the proper use of acrylic nails as a musical instrument. In other words, she was amazing.
Brooke White was way off pitch most of the time and wore some high-waisted sailor pants. Is it just me, or is this season of Idol getting its entire wardrobe from Talbots? Except for Ramiele, who is shopping at the Limited Too, obvs. The best critique Paula can muster for Brooke White is "you are Brooke White." Seriously. That's what she said.
David Cook got a haircut and looked like he had bathed recently. The fact that I find him attractive right now is threatening to disqualify me from being a person, so that's all I'll mention about that. He sings "Little Sparrow," Randy compliments him on "going into the false," and I'm sorry, that is not an actual expression in musical terminology. Paula then says the same phrase. These two are unstoppable. Simon, meanwhile, hates songs about birds.
Ramiele Malubay was so terrible that every single person in my office pool got points for predicting her elimination.
Jason Castro actually wasn't as bad as usual, but he makes such slappable faces. It's a lot better listening with your eyes closed. Ryan reassures him afterward that at least Paula liked it... and I still don't know in what world that's supposed to be reassuring.
Carly Smithson sang "Here You Come Again," which is Dolly Parton's best song according to my painstaking evaluation of hundreds of 20-second iTunes clips. Simon told her she dresses unflatteringly, which was a) rude, b) true, and c) MY job. She sounded really great, though.
David Archuleta closed his eyes for quite a while during rehearsal of his song, and that's when it occurred to me - I would like this kid so much more if he were blind. Think about it. He sings. Dolly cries. Banshees wail. Randy lies and says he was the best tonight. Yaaawn.
KLC sang "Coat of Many Coloreds." I mean Colors. Yes. That.
Syesha Mercado warbled through "I Will Always Love You," and it was overwrought and obnoxious as usual. Simon said he wished she hadn't gotten that song. So that makes all of us.
Michael Johns wore an ascot. It was all wrong, but it was all right. Since I'm barely familiar with any of these songs, they all sound interminable. Thank God I TiVoed Hell's Kitchen!
On results night, they all bopped around singing "9 to 5," David Cook was adorable, and
OH MY GOD IS THAT ROBIN MCGRAW IN THE AUDIENCE?! I THINK IT IS!! YES!! OH MY GOD!! I LOVE HER!!
Ahem. Anyway.
The dancing is hilarious. They're doing some elaborate step-touches. Onto the eliminations...
Michael Johns is safe, of course, because he was wearing a magic ascot. Archu-D2 is safe, because of the Lord. Carly is safe because Simon was mean to her.
There is a "call-in" Q&A with viewers at home, which we all know is taped ahead of time, because we wouldn't want to risk dealing with such non-stop excitement during the live show. Seriously, why won't they just stop this already?
The Clark Brothers perform. Who in the hell are the Clark Brothers? Apparently they won that show, So You Think You Can Be America's Next Great Top American Band Project (with the Stars)... or something to that effect.
David Cook had a spike in his blood pressure. He is safe (for now). Ramiele is in the bottom 3. her outfit is atrocious. KLC is also in the bottom 3, and has brought a sign to hang on her stool. I do not find this funny. What I do find funny is how, when there is one stool remaining adjacent to hers, she carefully straightens it like this is her own house. Hilarious.
Now there's a segment about all of the wildly successfully ex-Idol contestants who now live in Nashville. By which I mean Bo Bice, Bucky Covington, and Phil Stacey. Ah, so now I know if I ever lose track of a super-creepy Idol contestant in the future, Nashville should be the first place I look for them. Jason Yeager, where are you living these days?
Syesha is third to last in the call-out order, so she is safe. Jason and Brooke are last. Brooke makes her bottom-lip-out "sad face," and Simon imitates it. A+. Brooke is in the bottom 3.
Then Dolly Parton comes out and sings a song that, when I read the episode synopsis online, I thought was called "Jesus and Gravy." Unfortunately it is called "Jesus and Gravity." Lame. Dolly is wearing, I don't know... you know, it's kind of like a Dolly Parton Halloween costume. She's gone meta! Meanwhile, the best description of the song comes from Jacob in the TWoP recap:
Needless to say, Brooke and KLC are safe, Ramiele goes home.
Idol Gives Back is this week!
* "flowing leopard print sundress and some espadrilles" is my new word for "black V-neck undershirt," BTW.
Randy wore a sweater. Paula wore a fleurchon. Simon wore a flowing leopard print sundress and some espadrilles.*
Dolly Parton wore lamé, announced that her songs were her children, and demonstrated the proper use of acrylic nails as a musical instrument. In other words, she was amazing.
Brooke White was way off pitch most of the time and wore some high-waisted sailor pants. Is it just me, or is this season of Idol getting its entire wardrobe from Talbots? Except for Ramiele, who is shopping at the Limited Too, obvs. The best critique Paula can muster for Brooke White is "you are Brooke White." Seriously. That's what she said.
David Cook got a haircut and looked like he had bathed recently. The fact that I find him attractive right now is threatening to disqualify me from being a person, so that's all I'll mention about that. He sings "Little Sparrow," Randy compliments him on "going into the false," and I'm sorry, that is not an actual expression in musical terminology. Paula then says the same phrase. These two are unstoppable. Simon, meanwhile, hates songs about birds.
Ramiele Malubay was so terrible that every single person in my office pool got points for predicting her elimination.
Jason Castro actually wasn't as bad as usual, but he makes such slappable faces. It's a lot better listening with your eyes closed. Ryan reassures him afterward that at least Paula liked it... and I still don't know in what world that's supposed to be reassuring.
Carly Smithson sang "Here You Come Again," which is Dolly Parton's best song according to my painstaking evaluation of hundreds of 20-second iTunes clips. Simon told her she dresses unflatteringly, which was a) rude, b) true, and c) MY job. She sounded really great, though.
David Archuleta closed his eyes for quite a while during rehearsal of his song, and that's when it occurred to me - I would like this kid so much more if he were blind. Think about it. He sings. Dolly cries. Banshees wail. Randy lies and says he was the best tonight. Yaaawn.
KLC sang "Coat of Many Coloreds." I mean Colors. Yes. That.
Syesha Mercado warbled through "I Will Always Love You," and it was overwrought and obnoxious as usual. Simon said he wished she hadn't gotten that song. So that makes all of us.
Michael Johns wore an ascot. It was all wrong, but it was all right. Since I'm barely familiar with any of these songs, they all sound interminable. Thank God I TiVoed Hell's Kitchen!
On results night, they all bopped around singing "9 to 5," David Cook was adorable, and
OH MY GOD IS THAT ROBIN MCGRAW IN THE AUDIENCE?! I THINK IT IS!! YES!! OH MY GOD!! I LOVE HER!!
Ahem. Anyway.
The dancing is hilarious. They're doing some elaborate step-touches. Onto the eliminations...
Michael Johns is safe, of course, because he was wearing a magic ascot. Archu-D2 is safe, because of the Lord. Carly is safe because Simon was mean to her.
There is a "call-in" Q&A with viewers at home, which we all know is taped ahead of time, because we wouldn't want to risk dealing with such non-stop excitement during the live show. Seriously, why won't they just stop this already?
The Clark Brothers perform. Who in the hell are the Clark Brothers? Apparently they won that show, So You Think You Can Be America's Next Great Top American Band Project (with the Stars)... or something to that effect.
David Cook had a spike in his blood pressure. He is safe (for now). Ramiele is in the bottom 3. her outfit is atrocious. KLC is also in the bottom 3, and has brought a sign to hang on her stool. I do not find this funny. What I do find funny is how, when there is one stool remaining adjacent to hers, she carefully straightens it like this is her own house. Hilarious.
Now there's a segment about all of the wildly successfully ex-Idol contestants who now live in Nashville. By which I mean Bo Bice, Bucky Covington, and Phil Stacey. Ah, so now I know if I ever lose track of a super-creepy Idol contestant in the future, Nashville should be the first place I look for them. Jason Yeager, where are you living these days?
Syesha is third to last in the call-out order, so she is safe. Jason and Brooke are last. Brooke makes her bottom-lip-out "sad face," and Simon imitates it. A+. Brooke is in the bottom 3.
Then Dolly Parton comes out and sings a song that, when I read the episode synopsis online, I thought was called "Jesus and Gravy." Unfortunately it is called "Jesus and Gravity." Lame. Dolly is wearing, I don't know... you know, it's kind of like a Dolly Parton Halloween costume. She's gone meta! Meanwhile, the best description of the song comes from Jacob in the TWoP recap:
Because this song is awesome, it literally makes no sense
whatsoever, it's just like namedropping these things without connecting the dots
for you at all. "I got Jesus, I got gravity, I got the weak and strong
gravitational forces and Jesus, I got BOGO at Payless, I got a canker sore, I
got a DVD of Grey's Anatomy Season Two and a sandwich. A tomato
saaaaaaaaaaandwich!"
Needless to say, Brooke and KLC are safe, Ramiele goes home.
Idol Gives Back is this week!
* "flowing leopard print sundress and some espadrilles" is my new word for "black V-neck undershirt," BTW.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Frakking Awesome
Almost 30 million people watch American Idol every week, over 20 million people watch a deaf lady try to dance on Dancing With The Stars, hell, over 1o million people watch America's Next Top Model, it's the most popular show on the CW (yeah I know being the most popular show on the CW is like being the world's tallest midget but whatevs). Anyway, I bring this up because a scant 2 million people watch what is by far one of, if not the, best show on television:
Wait! Don't run away! I know, I know the title makes you giggle, and yeah, I can hear you whispering, "Man, what a nerd" under your breath. But do not let the name Battlestar Galactica, or any memories of it's original, cheese-tastic, 1970's version scare you away. This is a total reinvention and it works. So what follows is my impassioned plea, 10 reasons why you should watch Battlestar Galactica (BSG):
1. This is NOT the 1978 Battlestar Galactica. That show had a cult-following; a horrible, nerdy, impenetrable, cult-following. If you weren't into the show from the beginning, the sight of hundreds of dweebs wearing robot helmets and talking about mythic warfare between humans and "cylons" probably didn't entice you to join up. Not to mention the fact that those dweebs didn't WANT you to watch. BSG became a Geek Badge of Honor. If you liked BSG you were really, truly, a social outcast. Also, the show itself was not good. Please never watch it.
2. This version is NOT just for scifi nerds. Yeah, it's on the scifi channel, yeah it involves spaceships and killer robots, but what it really is, once you strip away the location, and the overall plot, is an amazing TV Drama. The show focuses much more on the interaction between these characters than it does on new gadgets, or alien planets. It's not like Star Trek with it's weekly stand-alone episodes, always featuring a new alien-of-the-week. Everyone who watches this show cares just as much about the characters and their welfare as they do about discovering the answers to on-going mysteries. The black smoke monster never outshines the castaways on this ship.
3. Speaking of the characters, the actors on this show are awesome. Seriously, there are Oscar-nominated actors like Mary McDonell, and Edward James Olmos, and great young actors like Katee Sackhoff, James Bamber, and Grace Park. Not to mention guess stars like Lucy Lawless (yeah, Xena). Not only are they talented, they are given real human drama. I have been more moved watching these characters than I have by the characters on Grey's Anatomy, or Desperate Housewives.
4. All of this talk of great acting and human drama is not meant to argue that there is no action on BSG, or that it is void of science fiction, in fact, BSG probably has the best scifi writing, directing, and special effects ever seen on TV. Episodes can be packed with action: space battles, military ground warfare, harrowing rescues. And again it really does feature the best SFX that TV has ever seen.
5. The plot is very scifi, but that doesn't mean it isn't awesome. Stick with me here because it could be these next few sentences that send you scurrying to the latest repeat of Brothers and Sisters. In the universe of BSG humans have colonized 12 separate planets (they all started out on one called Kobol but they've moved out since then). They created intelligent robots called Cylons. The Cylons got self-aware and rebelled, as self-aware robots tend to do, and a war broke out between humans and robots. The war ends with a peace treaty and the cylons go off into their own part of the galaxy and are not heard from for 41 years. Unfortunately for the humans the cylons come back (they have evolved and look like humans now) and kill everyone. Everyone. They nuke every planet. Only 50,000 people survive and they have to constantly fight for their lives against the cylons. They are in search of a new home that is talked about in their religion called Earth. So there ya go, 50,000 people trying to find Earth and escape the killer robots.
6. The show uses scifi topics to tackle current events in ways other shows can't. First and foremost is the idea that the cylons look like humans and can infiltrate human society. It's a very pressing post 9/11 issue. Living in New York I know there can be a palpable fear that someone walking next to you on the street, or riding with you in the subway, could be a terrorist. As ridiculous or unfounded as those ideas are, they still exist. BSG tackles this issue with the new cylons, the new enemy, being just like us, being able to blend in. We, as a society, have started to fear and question our own, which is a scary path to follow. It also raises the issue of the dehumanization of the "other". Throughout the series we learn more about the cylons, and become attached to them, however, they literally start out dehumanized, they're robots. It's a commentary on the way we treat our enemies, how we make them pure evil, never learn their stories or try to understand their reasoning. BSG can directly tackle these ideas (and others like racism, freedom of speech, fair elections, capital punishment) because it is so detached in terms of its setting. It's a wonderful opportunity all scifi shows have but so few take advantage of.
7. There are powerful, hott ladies. They are everywhere on BSG. The best part is that it's not a statement. They're not saying, "Wow, look at these powerful female characters". They are just there. I love them. Here is a picture of their awesomeness:
8. There are powerful hott dudes. For all you ladies who need some man candy with your TV show I present:
This is Major Lee Adama (played by James Bamber), there are multiple scenes where he is equally clothes-free.
9. They use the word "frak". So this is probably the dorkiest reason I love this show. To get around the fact that they couldn't really swear because they were still on basic cable the BSG writers decided that instead of "fuck", these humans say "frak". You eventually get used to it becomes equally hilarious and effective. Also, you can use it in real life situations and not get in trouble. For example: "Frak you mom, I don't want mac n' cheese tonight" sounds a lot nicer than "FUCK you mom, I don't want mac n' cheese tonight."
10. Now that "The Wire" is off the air, it's probably the best show on TV. You deserve to watch the best show on TV.
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