Idol's Top 9: Jesus and Gravy

Please forgive me for being nigh on a week late with this Idol synopsis. Last Tuesday night I was otherwise engaged, and have been sitting on these notes for days now. I know it's all old news at this point, but to quickly summarize:

Randy wore a sweater. Paula wore a fleurchon. Simon wore a flowing leopard print sundress and some espadrilles.*

Dolly Parton wore lamé, announced that her songs were her children, and demonstrated the proper use of acrylic nails as a musical instrument. In other words, she was amazing.

Brooke White was way off pitch most of the time and wore some high-waisted sailor pants. Is it just me, or is this season of Idol getting its entire wardrobe from Talbots? Except for Ramiele, who is shopping at the Limited Too, obvs. The best critique Paula can muster for Brooke White is "you are Brooke White." Seriously. That's what she said.

David Cook got a haircut and looked like he had bathed recently. The fact that I find him attractive right now is threatening to disqualify me from being a person, so that's all I'll mention about that. He sings "Little Sparrow," Randy compliments him on "going into the false," and I'm sorry, that is not an actual expression in musical terminology. Paula then says the same phrase. These two are unstoppable. Simon, meanwhile, hates songs about birds.

Ramiele Malubay was so terrible that every single person in my office pool got points for predicting her elimination.

Jason Castro actually wasn't as bad as usual, but he makes such slappable faces. It's a lot better listening with your eyes closed. Ryan reassures him afterward that at least Paula liked it... and I still don't know in what world that's supposed to be reassuring.

Carly Smithson sang "Here You Come Again," which is Dolly Parton's best song according to my painstaking evaluation of hundreds of 20-second iTunes clips. Simon told her she dresses unflatteringly, which was a) rude, b) true, and c) MY job. She sounded really great, though.

David Archuleta closed his eyes for quite a while during rehearsal of his song, and that's when it occurred to me - I would like this kid so much more if he were blind. Think about it. He sings. Dolly cries. Banshees wail. Randy lies and says he was the best tonight. Yaaawn.

KLC sang "Coat of Many Coloreds." I mean Colors. Yes. That.

Syesha Mercado warbled through "I Will Always Love You," and it was overwrought and obnoxious as usual. Simon said he wished she hadn't gotten that song. So that makes all of us.

Michael Johns wore an ascot. It was all wrong, but it was all right. Since I'm barely familiar with any of these songs, they all sound interminable. Thank God I TiVoed Hell's Kitchen!

On results night, they all bopped around singing "9 to 5," David Cook was adorable, and

OH MY GOD IS THAT ROBIN MCGRAW IN THE AUDIENCE?! I THINK IT IS!! YES!! OH MY GOD!! I LOVE HER!!

Ahem. Anyway.

The dancing is hilarious. They're doing some elaborate step-touches. Onto the eliminations...

Michael Johns is safe, of course, because he was wearing a magic ascot. Archu-D2 is safe, because of the Lord. Carly is safe because Simon was mean to her.

There is a "call-in" Q&A with viewers at home, which we all know is taped ahead of time, because we wouldn't want to risk dealing with such non-stop excitement during the live show. Seriously, why won't they just stop this already?

The Clark Brothers perform. Who in the hell are the Clark Brothers? Apparently they won that show, So You Think You Can Be America's Next Great Top American Band Project (with the Stars)... or something to that effect.

David Cook had a spike in his blood pressure. He is safe (for now). Ramiele is in the bottom 3. her outfit is atrocious. KLC is also in the bottom 3, and has brought a sign to hang on her stool. I do not find this funny. What I do find funny is how, when there is one stool remaining adjacent to hers, she carefully straightens it like this is her own house. Hilarious.

Now there's a segment about all of the wildly successfully ex-Idol contestants who now live in Nashville. By which I mean Bo Bice, Bucky Covington, and Phil Stacey. Ah, so now I know if I ever lose track of a super-creepy Idol contestant in the future, Nashville should be the first place I look for them. Jason Yeager, where are you living these days?

Syesha is third to last in the call-out order, so she is safe. Jason and Brooke are last. Brooke makes her bottom-lip-out "sad face," and Simon imitates it. A+. Brooke is in the bottom 3.

Then Dolly Parton comes out and sings a song that, when I read the episode synopsis online, I thought was called "Jesus and Gravy." Unfortunately it is called "Jesus and Gravity." Lame. Dolly is wearing, I don't know... you know, it's kind of like a Dolly Parton Halloween costume. She's gone meta! Meanwhile, the best description of the song comes from Jacob in the TWoP recap:

Because this song is awesome, it literally makes no sense
whatsoever, it's just like namedropping these things without connecting the dots
for you at all. "I got Jesus, I got gravity, I got the weak and strong
gravitational forces and Jesus, I got BOGO at Payless, I got a canker sore, I
got a DVD of Grey's Anatomy Season Two and a sandwich. A tomato
saaaaaaaaaaandwich!"

Needless to say, Brooke and KLC are safe, Ramiele goes home.

Idol Gives Back is this week!



* "flowing leopard print sundress and some espadrilles" is my new word for "black V-neck undershirt," BTW.