Idol's Top 8: "I caught something you may have done that's very inspirational on your hand."

That subject line is a direct Paula quote from tonight. I love that Paula is someone for whom being absolutely trashed leads to such sophisticated recursive syntax.

But more importantly, Paula has donned her best taupe sausage casing for tonight, so you know it's all going to be very inspirational. Because of this and in tribute to recursion, I will be adopting the highly technical "inspirationalityness quotient" rubric for grading this evening.

Michael Johns gets on stage right quick, and is once again sporting an oh-so-current cravat under his shirt. What is with this guy? He has chosen "Dream On" as his inspirational song, and... of all the songs in the world, seriously? He explains that this song is inspirational to him because he came to this country with a dream. Just like Fievel. It's just okay, until the end when he sings some high notes that sound not unlike a bunch of girls who have just received some interesting Tyra mail. Inspirationalityness quotient: a "Hang in there" kitten poster.

Syesha Mercado smirks a bit about how Ramiele was the only one of the group who really "got" her, and wow, what a slam to all of the other contestants! Clearly Syesha is just way too complex for them. And also loves herself enough to choose a freaking coronation song from a previous season of Idol for her performance this week. She does that screeching Mariah thing we all love so much, and then argues with the judges about whether or not it's fair to compare her to Fantasia, and it makes about as much sense as arguing that your Christopher Walken impression should not be compared to the actual Christopher Walken. I really hope Syesha goes home this week, because I think given the context that this song would be hilarious as a sing-out. Inspirationalityness quotient: a chain email containing a poem about prom night.

Jason Castro sings "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" in the style of that guy from 50 First Dates, and sorry Mike, I just didn't get it. I just can't get over Jason's gaspy breathing and dopey faces, though I didn't think the vocals were that bad. What I did find funny is that although this version of the song uses "wrong" lyrics (or really, the right lyrics in the wrong places) intentionally, the wrong lyrics Jason was singing didn't appear to be the same wrong lyrics as in the recording... which made it seem like he was just randomly singing lines. Oh, also I hate him. Inspirationalityness quotient: an advertisement for new diabetes medication.

Kristy Lee Cook sings a song about how she's still on the show even though no one is voting for her. Inspirationalityness quotient: a sheet of limited edition Eleanor Roosevelt postage stamps.

David Cook wears a weird white marching band jacket and sings an Our Lady Peace song. There are two of us living in this apartment, BTW, and we constitute a cumulative 40% of People On Earth Who Have Ever Heard This Song Before. It's an odd choice, and in absolutely the wrong key. As he finishes singing, David walks up to the judges' table, and then reveals to the camera very seriously that he has written the words "GIVE BACK" in Sharpie on the palm of his hand. OH NO HE DIDN'T. WOW. OH WOW. THAT MAY JUST BE THE SINGLE MOST SELF-INDULGENT THING I HAVE EVER SEEN ON THIS SHOW. WHOA. I actually have to pause the TiVo to gape and marvel at the absolute gall of something so obnoxiously, balls-out self-important. I literally can't believe he just did that. It's disgusting. I LOVE IT. Inspirationalityness quotient: a very special episode of My So-Called Life.

Carly Smithson is going to sing "The Show Must Go On," and unless she plans to outdo Paris Bennett's totally fabulous and bizarre showstopper of a performance from two seasons ago, I am not interested. In a refreshing departure from the style missteps of weeks past, she is wearing... oh, nevermind, it's high-waisted pants again. Do you realize how few letters away her name is from being transformed into "Carnie Wilson?" Carly, you are on notice. Inspirationalityness quotient: a roast beef sandwich (no chips).

David Archuleta thought long and hard about what he was going to sing tonight, and finally decided on "The Thong Song." Which should make us all a little bit more aware of the struggles faced by people in the world who are unfairly burdened by dumps that are like a truck. Inspirationalityness quotient: "The Thong Song."

Brooke White is singing a song from Mike's favorite album of all time. It's not bad, but it doesn't really work. She needs a piano or a guitar for this, because the song is just not interesting enough musically - and Brooke doesn't have enough of a stand-out voice - to sing it just standing there at the microphone. Her hair is also aging her about twenty years right now. Overall, I'm unimpressed. Inpirationalityness quotient: a betassled hospital gift shop bookmark telling the story of a single set of footprints on the beach.

In summary...

These songs were only "inspirational" in the very loosest sense. Most people reached for things outside the range of their actual talent. David Cook repulsed and delighted me. Curiously, there was less mention of Our Lord and Savior this week than last. High-waisted pants are still trying to convince us they're back. Aaand Syesha is a giant bitch. You could have skipped this one! Good night!