Idol's Top 11: Big Bird Singin' in the Dead of Night

Tonight we revisit my fave theme ever on opposite day, and I have to say, I actually liked it better than last week. Oh, don't get me wrong, it sucked. But the entertainment value was much, much higher.

Ryan introduces each contestant individually at the top of the show. They are all lined up on the two staircases like these bizarre Stepford wives. That had to be someone's last minute idea, because every contestant looks seriously uncomfortable with it. Either that, or maybe they all already know how their performances are going to go. It should be noted here that Syesha has brought two incredibly prominent breasts with her tonight. Maybe she's going to sing one of those Beatles songs with three-part harmonies.

Meanwhile, Randy is already yawning (I feel ya, dawg), and Paula is wearing one of my grandmother's favorite outfits circa Christmas '94. Not content to simply look like a senior citizen, she offers some opening remarks about how the contestants should approach these songs with "gumption." Well I'll be!

Amanda Overmyer sings "Back in the U.S.S.R." and accomplishes an astounding feat in that she doesn't get a single note right. Like, her achievement of that is better than chance - if you programmed a machine to randomly produce tones in the same rhythm as "Back in the U.S.S.R.," that machine would hit more correct notes than Amanda does here. Later, when talking back to the judges, she accidentally (?) says "shit" on live TV. As in "that shit looks like fun!" Shit yes, it does.

Kristy Lee Cook tries desperately to be kept on the show by showing us pictures of her dog, who, in television footage of a 4x6 still photo, looks about 100 times more charismatic than Kristy Lee Cook. She tells us from now on, she's just going to "sing with her heart," which, considering the success she's had so far by singing with her voice, might not be such a bad idea. It's a total trainwreck anyway. She's wearing a Glad bag, and in her bit of what will become customary unnecessary post-performance babbling from all the contestants tonight, she mixes idioms to hilarious effect, announcing that if she's still here next week she will "blow you out of your socks." Well, if you think it'll help...

David Arugula (I refuse to contribute further Google hits to his actual name) sings "The Long and Winding Road." He sounds really good, but at this point I would be remiss not to point out that this is partly because every other male contestant who could sing really well has been sent home by now. So there's that. This song is a dumb choice. He's singing about how "many times [he's] been alone, and many times [he's] cried," and it's cute and all, but... do any of us seriously think this 17-going-on-12 pageant kid has done anything "many times" at this juncture in his life? Throughout his critique, David displays a bashfulness unbecoming of someone old enough to drive.

Michael Johns has the first surprisingly bad performance of the night. He's singing "A Day in the Life" and says that it was tough to cut it down to a minute and a half, but he's going to show us "all the best parts." Someone get me a fresh Diet Coke! It's kind of like... the Cliffs Notes to "A Day in the Life." Or... okay, you know the Kidz Bop version of "Pon de Replay"? It's more like that.

Michael's catastrophe has nothing on what's about to happen to Brooke White. She has chosen to sing "Here Comes the Sun," the most lyrically and vocally boring song in the Beatles catalogue. Brooke, bless her heart, can't help but be disgustingly literal about the whole thing, wearing a hideous yellow Big Bird costume of a dress, and I hate to make Elaine Benes references twice in one month, but that really is the only possible source of inspiration for the way she's moving across the stage. She even lets a "woo!" slip out, and this is, you know, this is Taylor Hicks on a bad night. It reminds me of when some poor pretty girl works for a local fast food chain and has to spend summer afternoons on a street corner dressed as an enchilada and singing the company's jingle to passersby.

I keep hoping David Cook will just say fuck it and mold his combover into some glorious Ace Ventura monstrosity and be done with it. He sings "Daytripper" accompanying himself on the electric guitar and the vocoder. I freaking love it. Simon pipes in to remind me that David Cook is retarded, predictable, smug, and has a big ugly beady-eyed baby head. Simon, it's too late. I need to be institutionalized.

You know, Carly Smithson actually does have a great voice when she's not straining to hit notes she shouldn't. Especially if you ignore her perpetually angry singing faces and recurrent maternity wardrobe apparently designed by one Angela Keslar. Simon hates it because it's a song about a blackbird. Literally, that's what he says. Carly then embarrassingly spouts off about how the song means so much to her because she's such a desperate and washed-up old industry hag whose dreams have all turned to dust. I feel like Angela Lansbury could totally play Carly in the movie of Carly's life.

Jason Castro sings "Michelle" and has to be taught phonetically how to speak French for it. Dude, why not work on acting as if you understand the lyrics of a song in your native tongue first? Whatever, he can't be dissuaded. Okay, so at my high school, we used to have "German Night" every semester, where every student who was taking German classes would invite their family to come to the school one evening, and we would serve "traditional German food" and perform awkward little songs and skits auf Deutsch. Jason's performance reminds me a lot of those days. Even Paula says aftrward that she felt awkward. Do you have any idea what it takes to make Paula feel awkward? Her entire life operates at a three-drink minimum. Good Christ, Jason.

Syesha Mercado sings "Yesterday," and then introduces the guitarist, Paul. Paul was really great on this song.

Chikezie's favorite Beatle is John Lennon. That's really sweet, because I bet John Lennon would say Chikezie is his favorite American Idol contestant. You just know Lennon is DialIdol-ing Chikezie from the great beyond, or at least texting the word "VOTE" as many times as his messaging plan will allow. Chikezie sings "I've Just Seen a Face," and I am fully in love with him, in that mid-nineties Hootie and Adam Duritz kind of way. He has learned to play the harmonica just for this song, and his harmonica playing is exactly the same degree better than Jason's French speaking as Kristy Lee Cook's dog is better than Kristy Lee Cook. Simon calls it "gimmicky," and I rest assured that some kind of electro-convulsive therapy must be in my future.

Ramiele Malubay goes last, and fine, I take back everything I said about how she's going to win. It sucks, because she does have one of the best voices remaining in the competition, but girl just cannot get her shit together. Her outfit tonight is supremely distracting, it's like they gave her access to the costume closets from Xena: Warrior Princess and Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego and then told her "okay, looks good, just please wear a yellow t-shirt underneath. Yes. Greeeat."

So, to recap -

Bad: Amanda, Syesha, Brooke
Real Bad: Michael, Jason
Good: David Cook, Carly, Chikezie
Have already forgotten: Ramiele, Kristy Lee Cook, Arugula
Voting for: Kristy Lee Cook's dog