- The idol stylists need to stop trying to make high-waisted pants happen. They're not going to happen. Stop being Gretchen Weiners to the "fetch" that is your high-waisted pants! I bring this up now because last night Ramiele Malubay's pants looked like they were trying to eat her head. Or maybe you were fashioning some kind of jean-onesie? Either way, this must end.
- Maybe I have become spoiled by ANTM but don't the contestants on Idol this year seem a little too self-aware? I don't like that Carly knows that we all know she's a washed up industry has-been. I don't like that Jason Castro knows that we all know he's a hippie stoner. It sucks because they either try to defend themselves (like Carly) or play into what they think we want to see (like Jason). I liked it when Clay Aiken had no idea we all knew he was gay, and Taylor Hicks seemed blissfully ignorant that his heinous dancing insured that half the country hated him.
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In honor of the gayest catchphrase to ever sweep across America (see the title of this post), and because this week was truly, hilariously bad, I will be implementing a new grading system for the Idols: Tranny; Hot Mess; Tickity-tack Hot Mess Tranny From Transylvania Who Is Not Apologizing For It; and Good.
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Amanda Overmyer starts off the night and claims she wants to take a Beatles song, personify it, tease it's hair, and give it black eyeliner. I assume this is Amanda's answer to everything in life. Like when she's working as a respiratory nurse, and some old lady has a collapsed lung, Amanda responds by teasing her hair, giving her lots of eyeliner, and screaming "Back in the USSR" into her horror-stricken face. In Amanda's defense, this was her family portrait from childhood. Amanda also claims that her goal in this competition is to be able to sell-out a bar in Fayeteville, Indiana. You go girl! Keep on dreamin' big! Also, if after all that you still care about how she sang, let me assure you she was horrible. Grade: Tickity-tack Hot Mess Tranny From Transylvania Who Is Not Apologizing For It.
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Next up is Kristy Lee Cook. She lets us know that she keeps photo albums to remind her of the people she misses back home. I immediately bet my friend $100 that at least one of those pictures would be of her horse, and that is why I'll be buying a round of drinks for everyone tonight at Applebee's. Her performance is baaaaaaad. I wanted to just give her a grade of "Hot Mess" but that bedazzled garbage bag she stole from the set of "Liza With a Z" coupled with her proclamation that she could "blow you out of your socks" basically demands a rating of: Tranny. Also, when she promised Simon she would blow him out of his socks didn't anyone else think, "Oh! That's why she's still on the show!"?
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David Archuletta tells us his most memorable moment was when he forgot the lyrics to his song last week. I'm surprised the Idol producers aired this and didn't try to pretend the event never happened, like in "1984" when they burn all records of the past to control the present. David Archuleta never messed up. He's always perfect! 2+2=5!!! Anyway, David sings "The Long and Winding Road" so he can reflect on his arduous life...yeah. I am going to begrudgingly say this was Good as he technically sang it very well. But I don't understand why Amanda gets called out for being a one-trick pony, but David, who succeeds solely at melismatic, power ballads, is mana from the gods.
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Something kind of bizarre happens next. First Idol warns us that Kellie Pickler will be performing tomorrow night. Thanks for the heads up Idol, I will be bedooping my way through that catastrophe. Then Michael Johns reminds us about that one time he sang "Bohemian Rhapsody", which of course reminds me of that one time Kelli Pickler made my lfe. Then Michael does essentially what Pickler did 2 years ago and chops up a 6 minutes song into 1:30 seconds of crap. What a weird chain of events. Anyway, I feel like the Idol producers pulled one over on me in regards to Michael Johns. We were promised all these wonderful things and when we showed up it was all really disappointing...just like Colonial Williamsburg. Grade: Hot Mess.
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Brooke White is AWKWARD. Girl needs to park it behind a piano and NEVER LEAVE. Also, I loved how she was calming down the crowds when they booed the judges, she kept saying "it's ok, it's ok" while making the calm down hand gesture. Did she think a mob of angry Brooke White fans was going to storm the judges table? Brooke also seemed to delcaw the judges by agreeing so whole-heartedly with their criticism. Even when Paula tried to say it was ok, Brook was like "No way bitch, I sucked!" Grade: Hot Mess.
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So let's get real for a moment. For the past few weeks I have been hating on David Cook and his stupid too-big head and horrible haircut and scott-stapp wannabe voice and I hate him I HATE I HATE HIM!...so it may surprise you to know that I really liked his song this week! I thought it was fun, and I really enjoyed the vocoder as nobody has ever done that before on Idol. I'm sure next week he'll turn Donna Summer's "Bad Girls" into an emo ballad and we'll be enemies again, but for now Grade: Good.
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There are only 2 possible ways to describe whatever the hell it is Carly Smithson is wearing around her neck this evening: 1) it's an over-sized plastic party lei; 2) she went to the Angela Keslar Fashion House of Retarded Rosettes. When Carly started singing I was really impressed with her low range. It was strong and beautiful. In fact, if she had sung in this low register for the entire song she would have definitely received a Good. Unfortunately she must have attended the Syesha Mercado School of Banshee Wailing over the weekend because she murders this pretty little song in the final seconds thus resulting in her first: Hot Mess.
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Jason Castro's most memorable moment was when he butchered the final note of "Halelujah" and nobody called him on it. Not only do I find it unbelievable that the producers let this through, but I am amused with how unfamiliar Jason is with the idol machine. If the judges praise you no matter what, you're golden! The last thing you want to do is bring attention to it, because then they will start calling you on your crap. Anyway Jason sings "Michelle", poorly, and at this point he has, miraculously, become the rock heart throb of the season. This is horrible news for Michael Johns who now has no purpose on the show. Grade: Hot Mess.
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I think I have yet to write a positive word about our next contestant, Ms Syesha Mercado. Well, I guess there's a first time for everything because this was my favorite performance of the night. She never really yelled a single note, she was in tune the entire time, her tatas looked amazing, and she emoted well. I think I have been hard on Syesha this year because Idol didn't give me a single sassy-black girl who could sAng. It SHOULD be her, and she has been such a let down. But, at least for tonight, she made me happy. Grade: Good.
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I think Chikezie "playing" the harmonica was one of the funniest things I've ever seen on this show. Just to put this in context, if you were to go pick up a harmonica right now, and just blow into it for a few seconds, you would have surpassed what Chikezie did last night. I can not stand this guy. Viva La Noriega!!!
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Ramiele Mulabay goes last and, as I stated earlier, her pants are trying to devour her entire tiny body. Ramielle is not good. Also the judges need to stop telling her to sing bigger songs because of her HUGE VOICE. You know in Disney's Aladin when Robin Williams as the Genie is describing his situation and he says he has "PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWERS, itty bitty living space." That's how the judges view Ramielle's voice. She has a good voice. In fact, if you were just listening to her in some random club you'd probably say she has a great voice. But she is not the 2nd coming of Aretha Franklin. Aretha Franklin eats Cheetos the size of Ramielle for a mid-morning snack. Grade: Tranny (because of her outfit and 80lbs of lip gloss)
So who goes home? I think the bottom 3 will consist of Michael Johns, Amanda Overmyer, and Kristy Lee Cook. In another stunner I think Kristy Lee will survive and Aussie Michael Johns will get kangaroo kicked back to the land of Oz.
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