Tonight on American Idol: everyone your coworkers predicted would go home, goes home. The tears and Ryan Seacrest's suspense-building pauses, however, come standard - so get used to it.
The show opens with a special guest performance by Blake Lewis, and how sad is it when the fame achieved by runners-up on American Idol is, as a rule, greater than that achieved by the actual winners? Granted, seasons 1 and 4 are major exceptions; I really don't think Justin Guarini's phone is ringing off the hook these days. But still. Anyway, here's Blake, with (a newly contact-lensed?) Chris Sligh in his band, Jamiroquaing around the stage, singing about how he's through with you. He's great, if you're the kind of person who wishes Justin Timberlake would just collaborate with Keane already. Oh. You are? Point taken. Blake is through with you either way, though. BTW, I want to be the first to point out that the bridge of this song is identical to the verses in "Don't Stand So Close to Me" by The Police.
Blake tells this year's kids to be true to themselves. Unless "true to themselves" involves using apostrophes inappropriately, possessing a weird girly-man voice, having a permanently bitchy-looking face, or being a flaming, prancing, Z-snapping homosexual... in which case they may want to try something different.
The next 50 minutes will involve a whole lot of pregnant pauses that do nothing to infuse the totally unsurprising announcements of who's out and who's safe with an element of, err... surprise. It fails in all but two cases. Accordingly, I will share my reactions to each announcement on a scale of "DUH!," "DURR!," and "Whaaat? Glaaadiator!".
Ryan first announces that Paula's music video is number one on iTunes. Since I can't imagine that thousands of people love that video ironically, this kind of makes my brain explode.
David Cook is called up first. Ryan mentions that he spoke to Lionel Richie on the phone today, and Lionel loved David's performance. Whoa. Is Ryan Seacrest in Lionel Richie's fave five or something? I bet Simon is dying a little on the inside right now. Dear Lionel Richie Diary, he'll write later, Today Lionel Richie totally snubbed me. He like, texted Ryan to talk about his feelings. And he knows I have unlimited nights and weekends! Did our chance encounter at Whole Foods mean nothing? I hate Lionel. I hate him, and we are no longer "Kashi Good Friends."
Anyway, David Cook is in. My reaction: DURR!
David Archuleta is up next. He stands up with the usual "Goll-y! You mean me?!" grin that I so love on opposite day, and is pronounced safe. My reaction: DURR! Also, I threw up in my mouth a little. And it really made me think about the starving kids in Africa, because they don't even have partially digested food to throw up a little in their mouths.
Jason Castro is safe, and might I mention that in the recap of last night's performance it occurs to me what was so wrong with it - it's like, he knew he was expected to emote and "perform" the song because it's supposed to be so emotional and powerful, and he had absolutely no idea what to do... so he adopted this random phrasing and lots of totally unnecessary inhalations for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON. No reason musically, no reason lyrically, no reason vocally. Just because. It was like the vocal equivalent of the Idol poopy dance - he did it just to do Something. Anyway, America loved it. My reaction: DURR!
Brooke White is safe. My reaction: DUH!
Syesha Mercado is safe, obviously, because there are still six other girls to get to and Kady Malloy is next. My reaction: DUH!
Kady Malloy is going home, finally, after three weeks of my predicting she would leave. She seems utterly gregarious in her farewell video package. In Suffragette City, Asia'h and Ramiele are crying, and Brooke White still REALLY needs to work on her sad face. She expresses sadness entirely with her mouth, making the most exaggerated, almost satirical "pouty" faces. I would really prefer that she's faking it than consider that maybe this is her actual facial expression when she's sad. Meanwhile, Kady sounds horrible. My reaction: DURR!
David Hernandez is called up, and he is... wait, D-Nandez is safe?! America voted, and they're letting a gay stripper who sang a Celine Dion song into the Top 12?! BE STILL, MY BEATING HEART! Oh, D-Nandez, I am so thrilled for you. Please do me the favor of singing "Why Don't We Do It In The Road" during Beatles week. My reaction: Whaaat? Glaaadiator!
Michael Johns is safe. My reaction: DUH!
Luke Menard is going home. You know how I know this? Well, in addition to the fact that everyone in the world knows this, Ryan's doing the eliminations in the exact same order he did for the girls. Yawn. My reaction: DURR! Luke's sing-out is, of course, atrocious. Paula, on the other hand, is the true star of this performance. Behind the judges' table, she is doing what appears to be the actual choreography from the Wham! music video. She is seriously busting a freakin' move over there. She's already on her feet before he even begins singing. Save until I delete, TiVo.
Ramiele Mulabay is safe, obviously, because she's going to win. Ryan tells her this in a very confusing, convoluted way. Did someone let Paula type into the teleprompter for a minute there? My reaction: DURR!
Carly Smithson is let into the Top 12 minus Ryan's pregnant pause, and as Ryan says for the eighth or so time, "take a stool," I can't help but picture him as the charming host of next year's breakout hit series Lab Technician Idol, in which the winners each week would be presented with a congratulatory stool sample. Just me? Okay then. So Carly is in. My reaction: DURR! As they say, 378 Carly Smithson fans can't be wrong! I should note here that Carly is wearing a fetching orange garment from the Peloponnesian War tonight.
Amanda Overmyer is third-to-last, so clearly she's in. My reaction: DUH!
There is some stalling while we wait to find out whether it's Asia'h or KLC going home, and everyone pretends not to know who it's going to be.
Asia'h Epperson is going home (my reaction: DUH!), and Ryan, unprompted, gives her the option to sing or not to sing. Whoa now. Have we decided here in season seven that sing-outs are now optional? Come on. The incredibly awkward performance immediately after receiving crushing news about how unpopular you are is one of the absolute hallmarks of discomfort on this show! God, next thing you know they'll start holding auditions in rooms with two fully operational doors. Asia'h is actually really great in her sing-out. There's no joy in it, but she's a total trooper, and completely nails the high notes. Paula is crying. Danny Noriega looks like he's been bludgeoned with a tire iron.
No rest for the weary tearies - Chikezie nods like he knows he's about to be told he's going home, but Danny Noriega is out. He does the half-moose to Simon through his tears, and guys, I seriously love this kid. This time not ironically at all. You can tell Simon adores him in some bemused way, too. Ramiele is DESTROYED, and buries her face in Carly's motherly bosom. Paula's crying again. And hey, forget what I just said about Asia'h's sing-out, because Danny owns the night here. He pulls his shit together and delivers an awesome, Blaze-of-Glory-style farewell performance. Ramiele sobs. Paula bops back and forth like a Weeble. My reaction: Whaaat? Glaaadiator!
Next week, a brand new stage, a brand new elimination song by Ruben Studdard, and the contestants get to murder selections from the Lennon/McCartney catalogue. Yay.
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