Idol Top 10: In Case You Forgot, You're Wicked Old

Idol really got started in a hurry tonight! They marched the contestants right out, (and again apparently didn't tell them where to stand as 90% of the contestants were taking up 10% of the stage, leaving little Ramielle all alone stage left) and got down to business. I was tempted to just jump right into the review of the performers. That is, until I saw Ms. Paula Abdul and her amazing outfit. For those unfortunate ones who didn't get to see it, here is brief description: AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! Ok seriously though, it was this sleeveless sparkly mini dress with fingerless full-sleeved gloves complete with dozens of fake diamond bracelets. It was as if she was wearing a costume from Mad "Max: Escape from Thunderdome" by way of Lisa Frank. In honor of Paula tonight's grades will come in the form of her many hit songs: Opposites Attract (Amazing); Cold Hearted Snake (Great); Forever Your Girl (Good); Vibeology (Bad); The Diet Coke Song (so bad it's amazing)
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Onto the contestants! They are singing songs from the year they were born and first up is Ramielle Mulabay. Ramielle was born in 1987, and it was at this moment I quickly realized the entire point of this episode was to make anyone over the age of 24 feel INCREDIBLY OLD. Well played, Idol. Anwyay, Ramielle sings "Alone" and it is really screechy. I thought maybe her clear inability to sing this big song would finally get Paula off of the whole "you have such a huge, powerful, epic voice" trip she's been on, but I was wrong. Paula seems to be in full-on Season 4 addicted-to-painkillers mode (the outfit should have been a hint), and instead claimed that the performance showed Ramielle indeed could sing very loud...except she was sick...so don't be mad she sucked. Grade: Vibeology
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Jason Castro was also born in 1987. He says stupid things during his interview package, like every other week, and sings what I can only assume is the same song he's been singing for the past 4 weeks. I'm over him. The song itself is boring but "Forever your Girl", unfortunately he gets demoted because it's the same song he always sings. Grade: Vibeology
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Next up is Syesha Mercado who was also born in 1987! OK, how are Syesha and Ramielle the same age? Does anyone else find this shocking? Syesha tries to convince us she's young, hip, and crazy and not, you know, old, lame, and totally calculating in all her actions. She also unleashes her hellacious baby voice. Gross. Her song starts out really good, but her glory note in the middle is flaaaaaaat, and it ended weak. Randy creams his manties over it, which I don't understand. I thought it was 50% Cold Hearted Snake, and 50% Forever Your Girl.
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Oh Chikezie, your personality is starting to grow on me...and your mother is hilariously foreign. Also, you were born in 1985, which is much closer to the year of my birth. Unfortunately, I HATE you as a performer, especially when you sing ballads with titles like "If Only for One Night". Is there any doubt that this song was, at one time, a B side from a Color Me Badd casingle? This was laaaaaaaame, and Chikezie talked back to Simon again. Grade: Vibeology
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Brooke White is roughly the same age as I am, thank God, and she looked hilariously nerdy as a child, so she's already on my good side...until she forgets to sing her song and then sings the wrong notes and has to start again. Brooke, stop toying with my emotions! Brooke is fine but mostly I have to point out the utter hypocrisy of Randy Jackson. When Brooke sang "Love is a Battlefield", Randy's one complaint was that the band DIDN'T come in halfway through the song. This week, Randy's major problem was that the band DID come in halfway through the song. I bring this up because Randy has become incompetent. His weight an intelligence are decreasing at the same rate. When I was in 10th grade I had this chemistry teacher and she had recently lost all this weight and had become totally incompetent. All she did was look off into space listlessly and occasionally mumble something about cheeseburgers. This has to be what's happening to the Dawg. I miss fat, fairly reasonable and informed Randy, someone get that man a cheeseburger. Where were we? Oh right Brooke. Grade: Forever Your Girl
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Michael Johns was born in 1978!!!! YES!!!! Suck it, OLD MAN! Michael sings Queen and I thought he started out OK but ended the song really well. Really, really well actually. Huh. Grade: Cold Hearted Snake!
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Carly Smithson is, some way, somehow, younger than me...I going to go commit sepuku now. I feel a little less bad when they flash a picture of Carly looking retarded. I mean that literally, I don't like using that word to make fun of people. She actually looks like she's having a 23rd chromosome issue. Carly sings "Total Eclipse of the Heart" and it's fine but really stiff. Again Randy Jackson is a moron and says her final run was off-key which is completely wrong. You can say it was a bit screamy, or over-the-top, but it was not pitchy. I am boycotting Randy. I also feel really bad for Carly because she looks completely crestfallen and will probably kill herself if she doesn't win. Grade: Forever Your Girl Minus
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David Archuleta was born in 1990, although that would make him 17 going on 18 and I'm fairly sure he's 11. When David was little his mom taught him gay little dance numbers and dressed him up in gay little outfits...yaaaaaaaay. David sings a song I have never, ever heard before, although it sounds like a George Michael song mixed with a Phil Collins Disney soundtrack. It's pretty lame. And that's all I have to say about that. Grade: Vibeology
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Kristy Lee Cook is quite possibly the smartest competitor in the history of this show. She sings, I can't make this up, "God Bless the U.S.A." I say this in all honesty, it is THE smartest song choice in the history of this show. She knows her audience, she knows who's voting for her, and she sang a song they are going to eat up. There was a freakin' American flag waiving behind her the entire song! Is Karl Rove her manager? Next week she's going to sing "The Swiftboat Boogey", or maybe "Stem Cella ella ella ay ay", or "1 is The Loneliest Number...unless You're Gay and then it's the appropriate number because gay people shouldn't be allowed to get married". Grade: The Diet Coke Song

David Cook's scary-large baby head is not nearly as scary-large as it was when he was actually a baby. David sings "Billy Jean", and I think Liz gave me DC fever because I kind of love it. Scratch that, I totally love it. Grade: Opposites Attract

Well this was certainly an interesting night. I think we will see Ramiele, Chikezie, and...Carly(?) in the bottom 3. In the end Chikezie will leave us.