Idol Finale: I'd rather live in David Cook's world than live without him in mine.

I want to apologize first of all for not blogging about last night's show, especially to Erin, who tells me she checks the Jamboree every single day to see if I've said something hilarious. I didn't blog about last night's show, and there were two reasons for that:

1. I was still really torn up about the House finale.
2. I really thought Cook was about to lose American Idol to a kid wearing a "graphic tee."

Apparently the universe holds no grudges against me for this, because it went on to deliver the best Idol finale in the history of time, ever. I will now enumerate the happenings.

I'm psyched going in because I know it's going to be a full sixteen minutes before the judges are allowed to utter a single word, and I know this is for the best because Randy is dressed like Colonel Sanders. Ryan introduces Cook, who is wearing a white suit, and Archuleta, who is wearing a white t-shirt. Archuleta, what is wrong with you that you couldn't at least wear something with a collar on an occasion this momentous? Forget it, that's clearly the least of your problems.

Footage from Kansas City, Missouri, anchored by Mikalah Gordon (click on that link if you hate yourself) is followed by footage from Salt Lake City, anchored by Matt Rogers. Who the hell is Matt Rogers? If you have TiVo, go back and check out the girls behind Rogers in this shot, because they are TERRIFYING.

The top 12 wear matching white outfits and sing together, with the SYTYCD kids from last season dancing. If you know me, you know that this is a combination of two of my favorite things in the world (matching outfits and So You Think You Can Dance), and we're only five minutes into the show, people! Cook and Archuleta duet on "Hero," and they actually both sound great.

Then Mike Myers comes along and ruins everything. He's in some movie about a guru, and there are midgets in the movie. Cook and Archuleta are captured on film laughing at this movie and I start to like them both a little bit less. Oh well, at least it's not as cruel as last season when they brought the finalists out to see Shrek the Third with absolutely no sensitivity to the fact that Melinda Doolittle looks like Shrek. Myers shows up live on stage, does some stupid stuff, then Seacrest almost falls off the stage while riding a Roomba. These are all things that happen.

Syesha sings a duet with Seal!

They bring Jason out to sing "Hallelujah," and I literally fast-forward through it. Not that I thought that song was the worst performance of this whole season, but it's certainly the one I harbor the most personal vitriol toward, so I'm fast-forwarding it. I'm going to go ahead and take a leap of faith in assuming Jason hasn't learned how to sing since two weeks ago, and besides, I'm really enjoying this show so far (Mike Myers notwithstanding).

Ooh, a Ford music video! It's a montage of all of the heartwarming moments the top 12 have had... filming Ford music videos. It's a commercial memorializing the creation of other commercials. I like that. It makes me want to knit a picture of a sweater.

The top 6 ladies come out to sing a Donna Summer medley. Amanda Overmyer looks like she is in excruciating psychic pain at this moment, and just as she sings a lyrics that goes (paraphrasing), "Boww fow mow ma numbow maaaby," the Davids appear, escorting Donna Summer herself! She's got a diamond-encrusted microphone. I love her. She sings a song about stamping your feet. Ryan Seacrest joins a group of breakdancers. Paula's dress matches the top 6 girls'. Everyone's singing and stamping their feet. THIS IS SO AWESOME.

Carly and Michael Johns sing "The Letter," and it's fantastic. Then Jimmy Kimmel says a bunch of unfunny things, except when he refers to Simon's parents as "Rosemary and Satan Cowell," which I think is kind of funny not because of Rosemary and Satan but because I think it's funny that Simon has parents and a mum who probably bought him his first heather gray v-neck t-shirt.

The top 6 guys sing "Summer of '69," and boy is it gay. I can't explain why, it just is. It's like, when you have a row of six dudes singing together, there's only a certain category of topics you can have them sing about without it being totally gay, and "wistful nostalgia about my carefree youth" isn't one of them. You know what else isn't one of them? "Someone who is all that one wants when one is lying here in their arms." Which is exactly what the Davids duet on next. Umm, neat? I'm glad you both are finding it hard to believe you're in heaven, I guess? Then Bryan Adams comes out and David Cook is majorly cuddling him for most of the next song. Like, the shot keeps closing in on Bryan Adams and you can see this aggressive man hand planted firmly around his shoulder, then they zoom out and it's Cook. I once heard stories about how Ryan Adams used to get so pissed when people would mistake him for Bryan Adams, but I bet Ryan Adams is eating his words now that Bryan Adams is getting so assertively cuddled by David Cook. Take that, Ryan Adams! Bryan Adams is getting some major David Cook hand-on-shoulder action and all you've got is your stupid cover of "Wonderwall"!

David Cook sings with ZZ Top. Paula loves her some ZZ Top. I'm picturing the boardroom discussion that went into this duet.

"Okay, who can we stand David Cook next to that will establish beyond a shadow
of a doubt that he is the most attractive person in the world, rather than just
a borderline fuggo with a pasty complexion, beer gut, and all too recent
bleached combover?"
"Uh... ZZ Top?"
"Done. Call ZZ. He's in my fave five."

By the by, I hope there was a similar panel discussion about Archie that concluded with the decision to make him look hip and edgy by singing "The House at Pooh Corner" with Kenny Loggins.

Brooke sings "Teach Your Children" with Graham Nash. Where was all this awesome shit all season long?! I would pay money to see Brooke sing with Graham Nash! He kisses her hand at the end. Did I say best finale ever? Because: best finale ever.

Then a band plays that is kind of like a brunette version of Hanson in tighter pants. Ohh, they are the Jonas Brothers. For some reason I always thought "Jonas Brothers" was just one guy and that was his name. Kind of the opposite of how I thought "Carey Brothers" was a sibling duo, and not a guy's name. Speaking of brothers...

There is an audition montage. I'm totally uninterested unless they're going to show us the "We're Brothers Forever" guy. And they do. And he comes out on stage and sings with a marching band and some cheerleaders. I love this 98%, and the other 2% is me feeling so sad for whomever within the great Idol machine was charged with the task of scoring and notating "We're Brothers Forever" for a marching band. What a sad and sorry thing to have on one's resume.

One Republic comes out and sings "Apologize" with David Archuleta. It's Archuleta's best peformance ever. Seriously, it's so good that I stop despising him for the first time in fourteen weeks. He sounds great. He even sounds believable. Thank God he hasn't been performing like this all along.

Jordin Sparks. Still carries herself like a human incarnation of a grizzly bear. She sings a song about taking one step at a time and does some not at all embarrassing acting out of the lyrics. Gah. The only redeeming part of this performance is the shot of Blake Lewis singing along from the audience at the end of the song. He totally owns Jordin's album. He probably has that song as his ringback tone.

A video of Gladys Knight sings with Jack Black as a Pip, etc... it's no hologram Elvis, that's for sure. It's all kind of unnecessary.

Carrie Underwood performs some disgustingly country-music-affected country song while wearing the world's shortest jacket-dress. So there's that.

Then my favorite thing ever on Idol happens. If you guessed "George Michael medley," you win! They sing "Faith." Check. They sing "Father Figure," and David Hernandez gets the lyric about being "bold and naked" - nicely played, Idol. Then they all sing "Freedom," which is a) the best song in the whole wide world, and b) the last song Mike and I sang together at karaoke many months ago. Then George Michael comes out wearing sunglasses indoors and sings this insanely George Michael song about love and hate and your parents and fear and tiny shorts... it goes on forever, and honestly, if anything in this season of this show should be allowed to go on forever, it's George Michael singing this song in front of a backdrop of a glowing sunset. The only alternative I would possibly accept would be Elton John singing an eight minute long rendition of "The One." Which is what I am banking on next year.

Then Seacrest says some stuff and confetti rains down on David Cook's big stupid baby head. Finally.