Julia DeMato's Mom Better Check Herself

My oh my. I really have nothing to add to the excellent recap Mike posted below, except to say STEP ASIDE, JULIA DEMATO'S MOM, because there's a new Julia DeMato's Mom in town, and her name is Chikezie Eze's Mom.

You may remember Julia DeMato as the season two finalist who got in a total bitchfight with Kimberly Caldwell that same year during Hollywood week. But more likely, you don't remember Julia DeMato at all... instead, you remember her mom. You know, the one who would be featured in the Coca-Cola lounge every week, each time wearing a completely distinct and coordinating velour-tracksuit-plus-matching-scally-cap ensemble. Julia DeMato's Mom was truly unforgettable, made more of an impression on that season of the show than Ruben Studdard did, and was the inspiration for the "WWJDMD?" t-shirts Mike and I wore throughout the rest of college. Never again did an American Idol contestant's mom touch my soul quite like that... UNTIL NOW.

I love you, Chikezie's Mom. If I didn't have what can only be characterized as a profound mental illness, I would love you even more than David Cook.

Idol Top 10: In Case You Forgot, You're Wicked Old

Idol really got started in a hurry tonight! They marched the contestants right out, (and again apparently didn't tell them where to stand as 90% of the contestants were taking up 10% of the stage, leaving little Ramielle all alone stage left) and got down to business. I was tempted to just jump right into the review of the performers. That is, until I saw Ms. Paula Abdul and her amazing outfit. For those unfortunate ones who didn't get to see it, here is brief description: AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! Ok seriously though, it was this sleeveless sparkly mini dress with fingerless full-sleeved gloves complete with dozens of fake diamond bracelets. It was as if she was wearing a costume from Mad "Max: Escape from Thunderdome" by way of Lisa Frank. In honor of Paula tonight's grades will come in the form of her many hit songs: Opposites Attract (Amazing); Cold Hearted Snake (Great); Forever Your Girl (Good); Vibeology (Bad); The Diet Coke Song (so bad it's amazing)
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Onto the contestants! They are singing songs from the year they were born and first up is Ramielle Mulabay. Ramielle was born in 1987, and it was at this moment I quickly realized the entire point of this episode was to make anyone over the age of 24 feel INCREDIBLY OLD. Well played, Idol. Anwyay, Ramielle sings "Alone" and it is really screechy. I thought maybe her clear inability to sing this big song would finally get Paula off of the whole "you have such a huge, powerful, epic voice" trip she's been on, but I was wrong. Paula seems to be in full-on Season 4 addicted-to-painkillers mode (the outfit should have been a hint), and instead claimed that the performance showed Ramielle indeed could sing very loud...except she was sick...so don't be mad she sucked. Grade: Vibeology
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Jason Castro was also born in 1987. He says stupid things during his interview package, like every other week, and sings what I can only assume is the same song he's been singing for the past 4 weeks. I'm over him. The song itself is boring but "Forever your Girl", unfortunately he gets demoted because it's the same song he always sings. Grade: Vibeology
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Next up is Syesha Mercado who was also born in 1987! OK, how are Syesha and Ramielle the same age? Does anyone else find this shocking? Syesha tries to convince us she's young, hip, and crazy and not, you know, old, lame, and totally calculating in all her actions. She also unleashes her hellacious baby voice. Gross. Her song starts out really good, but her glory note in the middle is flaaaaaaat, and it ended weak. Randy creams his manties over it, which I don't understand. I thought it was 50% Cold Hearted Snake, and 50% Forever Your Girl.
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Oh Chikezie, your personality is starting to grow on me...and your mother is hilariously foreign. Also, you were born in 1985, which is much closer to the year of my birth. Unfortunately, I HATE you as a performer, especially when you sing ballads with titles like "If Only for One Night". Is there any doubt that this song was, at one time, a B side from a Color Me Badd casingle? This was laaaaaaaame, and Chikezie talked back to Simon again. Grade: Vibeology
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Brooke White is roughly the same age as I am, thank God, and she looked hilariously nerdy as a child, so she's already on my good side...until she forgets to sing her song and then sings the wrong notes and has to start again. Brooke, stop toying with my emotions! Brooke is fine but mostly I have to point out the utter hypocrisy of Randy Jackson. When Brooke sang "Love is a Battlefield", Randy's one complaint was that the band DIDN'T come in halfway through the song. This week, Randy's major problem was that the band DID come in halfway through the song. I bring this up because Randy has become incompetent. His weight an intelligence are decreasing at the same rate. When I was in 10th grade I had this chemistry teacher and she had recently lost all this weight and had become totally incompetent. All she did was look off into space listlessly and occasionally mumble something about cheeseburgers. This has to be what's happening to the Dawg. I miss fat, fairly reasonable and informed Randy, someone get that man a cheeseburger. Where were we? Oh right Brooke. Grade: Forever Your Girl
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Michael Johns was born in 1978!!!! YES!!!! Suck it, OLD MAN! Michael sings Queen and I thought he started out OK but ended the song really well. Really, really well actually. Huh. Grade: Cold Hearted Snake!
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Carly Smithson is, some way, somehow, younger than me...I going to go commit sepuku now. I feel a little less bad when they flash a picture of Carly looking retarded. I mean that literally, I don't like using that word to make fun of people. She actually looks like she's having a 23rd chromosome issue. Carly sings "Total Eclipse of the Heart" and it's fine but really stiff. Again Randy Jackson is a moron and says her final run was off-key which is completely wrong. You can say it was a bit screamy, or over-the-top, but it was not pitchy. I am boycotting Randy. I also feel really bad for Carly because she looks completely crestfallen and will probably kill herself if she doesn't win. Grade: Forever Your Girl Minus
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David Archuleta was born in 1990, although that would make him 17 going on 18 and I'm fairly sure he's 11. When David was little his mom taught him gay little dance numbers and dressed him up in gay little outfits...yaaaaaaaay. David sings a song I have never, ever heard before, although it sounds like a George Michael song mixed with a Phil Collins Disney soundtrack. It's pretty lame. And that's all I have to say about that. Grade: Vibeology
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Kristy Lee Cook is quite possibly the smartest competitor in the history of this show. She sings, I can't make this up, "God Bless the U.S.A." I say this in all honesty, it is THE smartest song choice in the history of this show. She knows her audience, she knows who's voting for her, and she sang a song they are going to eat up. There was a freakin' American flag waiving behind her the entire song! Is Karl Rove her manager? Next week she's going to sing "The Swiftboat Boogey", or maybe "Stem Cella ella ella ay ay", or "1 is The Loneliest Number...unless You're Gay and then it's the appropriate number because gay people shouldn't be allowed to get married". Grade: The Diet Coke Song

David Cook's scary-large baby head is not nearly as scary-large as it was when he was actually a baby. David sings "Billy Jean", and I think Liz gave me DC fever because I kind of love it. Scratch that, I totally love it. Grade: Opposites Attract

Well this was certainly an interesting night. I think we will see Ramiele, Chikezie, and...Carly(?) in the bottom 3. In the end Chikezie will leave us.

Idol Top 11: It's Like A Hot Tranny Mess Up In Here

Welcome to the top 11! Before we get to the contestants, and their unintentional hilarity, I have a few quick points I have to make.

1. The idol stylists need to stop trying to make high-waisted pants happen. They're not going to happen. Stop being Gretchen Weiners to the "fetch" that is your high-waisted pants! I bring this up now because last night Ramiele Malubay's pants looked like they were trying to eat her head. Or maybe you were fashioning some kind of jean-onesie? Either way, this must end.
2. Maybe I have become spoiled by ANTM but don't the contestants on Idol this year seem a little too self-aware? I don't like that Carly knows that we all know she's a washed up industry has-been. I don't like that Jason Castro knows that we all know he's a hippie stoner. It sucks because they either try to defend themselves (like Carly) or play into what they think we want to see (like Jason). I liked it when Clay Aiken had no idea we all knew he was gay, and Taylor Hicks seemed blissfully ignorant that his heinous dancing insured that half the country hated him.
   

Anyway, onto tonight. It's Beatles night! Now you might be saying to yourself, "Wait a second. I thought they sang Beatles songs last week!" Well you would be wrong, my friend! Last week the Idols sang songs from the Lennon/McCartney songbook, this weeks it's any song by the Beatles. So, yeah, that does mean your favorite Ringo song might be on it's way. And, yeah, you're welcome. Idol also reminds us why the Beatles were awesome: they wrote great songs, they sold out Shea Stadium this one time, and they alllllllll had iPhones.
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In honor of the gayest catchphrase to ever sweep across America (see the title of this post), and because this week was truly, hilariously bad, I will be implementing a new grading system for the Idols: Tranny; Hot Mess; Tickity-tack Hot Mess Tranny From Transylvania Who Is Not Apologizing For It; and Good.
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Amanda Overmyer starts off the night and claims she wants to take a Beatles song, personify it, tease it's hair, and give it black eyeliner. I assume this is Amanda's answer to everything in life. Like when she's working as a respiratory nurse, and some old lady has a collapsed lung, Amanda responds by teasing her hair, giving her lots of eyeliner, and screaming "Back in the USSR" into her horror-stricken face. In Amanda's defense, this was her family portrait from childhood. Amanda also claims that her goal in this competition is to be able to sell-out a bar in Fayeteville, Indiana. You go girl! Keep on dreamin' big! Also, if after all that you still care about how she sang, let me assure you she was horrible. Grade: Tickity-tack Hot Mess Tranny From Transylvania Who Is Not Apologizing For It.
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Next up is Kristy Lee Cook. She lets us know that she keeps photo albums to remind her of the people she misses back home. I immediately bet my friend $100 that at least one of those pictures would be of her horse, and that is why I'll be buying a round of drinks for everyone tonight at Applebee's. Her performance is baaaaaaad. I wanted to just give her a grade of "Hot Mess" but that bedazzled garbage bag she stole from the set of "Liza With a Z" coupled with her proclamation that she could "blow you out of your socks" basically demands a rating of: Tranny. Also, when she promised Simon she would blow him out of his socks didn't anyone else think, "Oh! That's why she's still on the show!"?
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David Archuletta tells us his most memorable moment was when he forgot the lyrics to his song last week. I'm surprised the Idol producers aired this and didn't try to pretend the event never happened, like in "1984" when they burn all records of the past to control the present. David Archuleta never messed up. He's always perfect! 2+2=5!!! Anyway, David sings "The Long and Winding Road" so he can reflect on his arduous life...yeah. I am going to begrudgingly say this was Good as he technically sang it very well. But I don't understand why Amanda gets called out for being a one-trick pony, but David, who succeeds solely at melismatic, power ballads, is mana from the gods.
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Something kind of bizarre happens next. First Idol warns us that Kellie Pickler will be performing tomorrow night. Thanks for the heads up Idol, I will be bedooping my way through that catastrophe. Then Michael Johns reminds us about that one time he sang "Bohemian Rhapsody", which of course reminds me of that one time Kelli Pickler made my lfe. Then Michael does essentially what Pickler did 2 years ago and chops up a 6 minutes song into 1:30 seconds of crap. What a weird chain of events. Anyway, I feel like the Idol producers pulled one over on me in regards to Michael Johns. We were promised all these wonderful things and when we showed up it was all really disappointing...just like Colonial Williamsburg. Grade: Hot Mess.
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Brooke White is AWKWARD. Girl needs to park it behind a piano and NEVER LEAVE. Also, I loved how she was calming down the crowds when they booed the judges, she kept saying "it's ok, it's ok" while making the calm down hand gesture. Did she think a mob of angry Brooke White fans was going to storm the judges table? Brooke also seemed to delcaw the judges by agreeing so whole-heartedly with their criticism. Even when Paula tried to say it was ok, Brook was like "No way bitch, I sucked!" Grade: Hot Mess.
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So let's get real for a moment. For the past few weeks I have been hating on David Cook and his stupid too-big head and horrible haircut and scott-stapp wannabe voice and I hate him I HATE I HATE HIM!...so it may surprise you to know that I really liked his song this week! I thought it was fun, and I really enjoyed the vocoder as nobody has ever done that before on Idol. I'm sure next week he'll turn Donna Summer's "Bad Girls" into an emo ballad and we'll be enemies again, but for now Grade: Good.
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There are only 2 possible ways to describe whatever the hell it is Carly Smithson is wearing around her neck this evening: 1) it's an over-sized plastic party lei; 2) she went to the Angela Keslar Fashion House of Retarded Rosettes. When Carly started singing I was really impressed with her low range. It was strong and beautiful. In fact, if she had sung in this low register for the entire song she would have definitely received a Good. Unfortunately she must have attended the Syesha Mercado School of Banshee Wailing over the weekend because she murders this pretty little song in the final seconds thus resulting in her first: Hot Mess.
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Jason Castro's most memorable moment was when he butchered the final note of "Halelujah" and nobody called him on it. Not only do I find it unbelievable that the producers let this through, but I am amused with how unfamiliar Jason is with the idol machine. If the judges praise you no matter what, you're golden! The last thing you want to do is bring attention to it, because then they will start calling you on your crap. Anyway Jason sings "Michelle", poorly, and at this point he has, miraculously, become the rock heart throb of the season. This is horrible news for Michael Johns who now has no purpose on the show. Grade: Hot Mess.
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I think I have yet to write a positive word about our next contestant, Ms Syesha Mercado. Well, I guess there's a first time for everything because this was my favorite performance of the night. She never really yelled a single note, she was in tune the entire time, her tatas looked amazing, and she emoted well. I think I have been hard on Syesha this year because Idol didn't give me a single sassy-black girl who could sAng. It SHOULD be her, and she has been such a let down. But, at least for tonight, she made me happy. Grade: Good.
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I think Chikezie "playing" the harmonica was one of the funniest things I've ever seen on this show. Just to put this in context, if you were to go pick up a harmonica right now, and just blow into it for a few seconds, you would have surpassed what Chikezie did last night. I can not stand this guy. Viva La Noriega!!!
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Ramiele Mulabay goes last and, as I stated earlier, her pants are trying to devour her entire tiny body. Ramielle is not good. Also the judges need to stop telling her to sing bigger songs because of her HUGE VOICE. You know in Disney's Aladin when Robin Williams as the Genie is describing his situation and he says he has "PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWERS, itty bitty living space." That's how the judges view Ramielle's voice. She has a good voice. In fact, if you were just listening to her in some random club you'd probably say she has a great voice. But she is not the 2nd coming of Aretha Franklin. Aretha Franklin eats Cheetos the size of Ramielle for a mid-morning snack. Grade: Tranny (because of her outfit and 80lbs of lip gloss)

So who goes home? I think the bottom 3 will consist of Michael Johns, Amanda Overmyer, and Kristy Lee Cook. In another stunner I think Kristy Lee will survive and Aussie Michael Johns will get kangaroo kicked back to the land of Oz.

Idol's Top 11: Big Bird Singin' in the Dead of Night

Tonight we revisit my fave theme ever on opposite day, and I have to say, I actually liked it better than last week. Oh, don't get me wrong, it sucked. But the entertainment value was much, much higher.

Ryan introduces each contestant individually at the top of the show. They are all lined up on the two staircases like these bizarre Stepford wives. That had to be someone's last minute idea, because every contestant looks seriously uncomfortable with it. Either that, or maybe they all already know how their performances are going to go. It should be noted here that Syesha has brought two incredibly prominent breasts with her tonight. Maybe she's going to sing one of those Beatles songs with three-part harmonies.

Meanwhile, Randy is already yawning (I feel ya, dawg), and Paula is wearing one of my grandmother's favorite outfits circa Christmas '94. Not content to simply look like a senior citizen, she offers some opening remarks about how the contestants should approach these songs with "gumption." Well I'll be!

Amanda Overmyer sings "Back in the U.S.S.R." and accomplishes an astounding feat in that she doesn't get a single note right. Like, her achievement of that is better than chance - if you programmed a machine to randomly produce tones in the same rhythm as "Back in the U.S.S.R.," that machine would hit more correct notes than Amanda does here. Later, when talking back to the judges, she accidentally (?) says "shit" on live TV. As in "that shit looks like fun!" Shit yes, it does.

Kristy Lee Cook tries desperately to be kept on the show by showing us pictures of her dog, who, in television footage of a 4x6 still photo, looks about 100 times more charismatic than Kristy Lee Cook. She tells us from now on, she's just going to "sing with her heart," which, considering the success she's had so far by singing with her voice, might not be such a bad idea. It's a total trainwreck anyway. She's wearing a Glad bag, and in her bit of what will become customary unnecessary post-performance babbling from all the contestants tonight, she mixes idioms to hilarious effect, announcing that if she's still here next week she will "blow you out of your socks." Well, if you think it'll help...

David Arugula (I refuse to contribute further Google hits to his actual name) sings "The Long and Winding Road." He sounds really good, but at this point I would be remiss not to point out that this is partly because every other male contestant who could sing really well has been sent home by now. So there's that. This song is a dumb choice. He's singing about how "many times [he's] been alone, and many times [he's] cried," and it's cute and all, but... do any of us seriously think this 17-going-on-12 pageant kid has done anything "many times" at this juncture in his life? Throughout his critique, David displays a bashfulness unbecoming of someone old enough to drive.

Michael Johns has the first surprisingly bad performance of the night. He's singing "A Day in the Life" and says that it was tough to cut it down to a minute and a half, but he's going to show us "all the best parts." Someone get me a fresh Diet Coke! It's kind of like... the Cliffs Notes to "A Day in the Life." Or... okay, you know the Kidz Bop version of "Pon de Replay"? It's more like that.

Michael's catastrophe has nothing on what's about to happen to Brooke White. She has chosen to sing "Here Comes the Sun," the most lyrically and vocally boring song in the Beatles catalogue. Brooke, bless her heart, can't help but be disgustingly literal about the whole thing, wearing a hideous yellow Big Bird costume of a dress, and I hate to make Elaine Benes references twice in one month, but that really is the only possible source of inspiration for the way she's moving across the stage. She even lets a "woo!" slip out, and this is, you know, this is Taylor Hicks on a bad night. It reminds me of when some poor pretty girl works for a local fast food chain and has to spend summer afternoons on a street corner dressed as an enchilada and singing the company's jingle to passersby.

I keep hoping David Cook will just say fuck it and mold his combover into some glorious Ace Ventura monstrosity and be done with it. He sings "Daytripper" accompanying himself on the electric guitar and the vocoder. I freaking love it. Simon pipes in to remind me that David Cook is retarded, predictable, smug, and has a big ugly beady-eyed baby head. Simon, it's too late. I need to be institutionalized.

You know, Carly Smithson actually does have a great voice when she's not straining to hit notes she shouldn't. Especially if you ignore her perpetually angry singing faces and recurrent maternity wardrobe apparently designed by one Angela Keslar. Simon hates it because it's a song about a blackbird. Literally, that's what he says. Carly then embarrassingly spouts off about how the song means so much to her because she's such a desperate and washed-up old industry hag whose dreams have all turned to dust. I feel like Angela Lansbury could totally play Carly in the movie of Carly's life.

Jason Castro sings "Michelle" and has to be taught phonetically how to speak French for it. Dude, why not work on acting as if you understand the lyrics of a song in your native tongue first? Whatever, he can't be dissuaded. Okay, so at my high school, we used to have "German Night" every semester, where every student who was taking German classes would invite their family to come to the school one evening, and we would serve "traditional German food" and perform awkward little songs and skits auf Deutsch. Jason's performance reminds me a lot of those days. Even Paula says aftrward that she felt awkward. Do you have any idea what it takes to make Paula feel awkward? Her entire life operates at a three-drink minimum. Good Christ, Jason.

Syesha Mercado sings "Yesterday," and then introduces the guitarist, Paul. Paul was really great on this song.

Chikezie's favorite Beatle is John Lennon. That's really sweet, because I bet John Lennon would say Chikezie is his favorite American Idol contestant. You just know Lennon is DialIdol-ing Chikezie from the great beyond, or at least texting the word "VOTE" as many times as his messaging plan will allow. Chikezie sings "I've Just Seen a Face," and I am fully in love with him, in that mid-nineties Hootie and Adam Duritz kind of way. He has learned to play the harmonica just for this song, and his harmonica playing is exactly the same degree better than Jason's French speaking as Kristy Lee Cook's dog is better than Kristy Lee Cook. Simon calls it "gimmicky," and I rest assured that some kind of electro-convulsive therapy must be in my future.

Ramiele Malubay goes last, and fine, I take back everything I said about how she's going to win. It sucks, because she does have one of the best voices remaining in the competition, but girl just cannot get her shit together. Her outfit tonight is supremely distracting, it's like they gave her access to the costume closets from Xena: Warrior Princess and Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego and then told her "okay, looks good, just please wear a yellow t-shirt underneath. Yes. Greeeat."

So, to recap -

Bad: Amanda, Syesha, Brooke
Real Bad: Michael, Jason
Good: David Cook, Carly, Chikezie
Have already forgotten: Ramiele, Kristy Lee Cook, Arugula
Voting for: Kristy Lee Cook's dog

The Top 12: Just Some Quick Thoughts

So I'm still a little burnt-out from writing my Idol Epic over the weekend and because of that I will just be giving a few quick thoughts on last night's performance.

• "Man, they really laid it down man." Randy said this about Sir Paul MCcartney and effing John Lennon. Does that seem just a little silly to anyone else? He's talking about, arguably, the greatest songwriting duo of all time as if they're an Idol contestant who just finished a rockin' rendition of "Midnight Train to Georgia." You can't talk about The Beatles in the same way you talk about Clay Aiken, Randy! You just can't.
• Does Amanda Overmyer wear her hooker make-up and Elvira hair everywhere?! Idol followed Amanda on one of her "respiratory nursing" trips and bitch had her face on. "Are you breathing OK", Amanda angrily demanded to know of the unsuspecting elderly patient, who could have only been thinking, "Why is Zombie-Priscillia-Presley concerned about my respiratory health?"
  
• I thought Chikezie was great in the same way I thought Taylor Hicks was great.
  
• I thought David Cook destroyed my favorite Beatles' song. Seriously, I actually watched it again after Simon was so effusive to see if I had been wrong...I'm sticking with my guns on this. Loved his song last week, thought this was a musical abortion
• Kristy Lee Cook was not just awful, she was hilariously awful. Liz's description of that song is EXACTLY what I was thinking. It reminded me of that episode of Saved By The Bell when they join the glee club and suck so they lip sync over a different pre-recorded chorus. But then the tape messes up and they have to sing really fast like chipmunks. Yeah, it was just like that.

Lat night I enjoyed the performances of Brooke White, Carly Smithson, Michael Johns (surprisingly), and I guess Amanda Overmyer, and Jason Castro.

I'm actually thinking someone boring and NOT someone awful will be going home tonight. I am predicting the exit of Ms. Syesha Mercado who will be in the bottom 2 with D-Nandez. Yes, I do think Kristy Lee will live to see another week, hopefully it'll be Mariah Carey night and she can turn "Vision of Love" into a country ho-down!

Idol's Top 12: Hey, You've Got to Hide Your Ability to Sing Away

UGGH!

You know, it shouldn't come as a surprise that the Beatles night American Idol waited seven years for, when it finally happened, was a thousand times suckier than last year's "British Invasion" theme that featured basically every conceivable artist BUT the Beatles. Alas, it is true. Tonight sucked bad. Why? With a couple of notable exceptions, every single song chosen was either:

a) a great song, impossible to reinterpret satisfactorily, or
b) a shitty song, not worth attempting to interpret because it's shitty.

But first, some important announcements from Ryan. There are new opening credits. They look a lot like the old opening credits, but - dare I say - even more cheap and cheesy-looking... like the result after someone's Dad spent Christmas afternoon futzing with the family's new, user-friendly opening credits creator software. There's a new set. It looks a lot like the old set, but with a mosh pit. I'm like, FINALLY, after years of my strongly-worded letter writing campaign, they finally got on that mosh pit thing. Thank God. Because you know, for a while there, I couldn't mosh to these songs.

Most importantly, this week marks the transition into a new phase of the competition, and the point at which the contestants traditionally receive makeovers. Unfortunately for us, Tyra Banks and horse's manes remain uninvolved.

Syesha Mercado performs first. Syesha's makeover has been given to her courtesy of one Vanessa Huxtable. She sings "Got to Get You Into My Life." The performance is typical of tonight, in that it sucks. Simon tells her it's better than last week, which is a lie. Oh, yay. I can tell I'm going to love tonight.

Chikezie is next. Chikezie's makeover consists of an argyle vest. He and Ryan reminisce about how he really thought he was going home instead of Danny last week, and for a minute I think he's about to be Melissa McGhee'd. Oh, I could not have been more wrong. He starts the song on the floor with a small bluegrass band, consisting of a banjo, a fiddle, and a tambourine. Then suddenly here we've got Chikezie, with his perfectly Ruben Studdard voice and appearance, borrowing an outfit from Blake Lewis, copping Katharine McPhee's on-the-floor-with-the-band opening from "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree" and then doing a routine straight from the Taylor Hicks Dance Academy while the audience flips out and all mic stands within a six mile radius cower in fear. The overall effect is TOTAL CHAOS. I am rendered speechless by the highest concentration of Idol self-reference I have ever seen on stage at one time, Ryan Seacrest is stammering and sputtering to get the numbers out and really, the whole thing is awesome.

Ramiele Malubay has not received a makeover, it seems. But no matter, what happens next is a walking embodiment of every reason I was dreading Beatles night. She sings "In My Life" and dedicates it to the friends she's made on the show who have left (read: all of them). I might have to switch horses in my office pool now, because this performance is just unforgivable, and the judges say as much. Remember Billy Joel night, when Carmen Rasmusen sang "And So It Goes"? Okay, the vocals aren't as bad as that, but the overall effect is. F minus.

Jason Castro failed music. I might have to stop blogging about his performances, because I feel a seriously irrational amount of hatred toward this guy ever since the "Hallelujah" debacle. Here's the thing: this was, at one point, a show about singing. Jason is not a good singer. At all. His technique is not flawed; it is nonexistent, and it seems, purposely so. Like that's his thing, is to not really be able to sing well. Now, in the real world, plenty of people have become legendary songwriters and performers without having good voices. But you have to have something, and Jason has nothing. Sure, he looks like he has something, with the hippie hair, and the guitar playing, and the goofy shy whatever, but those little souvenirs of what individuality supposedly looks like do not add up to the type of personality, the type of artistry, and the type of sheer star power you need to have in order to get away with not being able to sing. Paula, on the other hand, "can feel [his] heart." I give up.

Carly Smithson and Amanda Overmyer are roommates. This suprises me not in the least, because they both look and act like 45-year-old alcoholic divorcees. Carly says she's going to sing "Come Together" and really change it up. She then does, you know, the opposite of that. I don't get it. This song was originally recorded as a funk/rock song, with electric guitars, and some yelling. She sings it as a funk/rock song, with electric guitars, and some yelling (although in her case it's throaty, Sheryl Crow style yelling). Is this changing it up... because she's female? Because she's wearing a blue dress? Or is there some softer, gentler version of "Come Together" that all of the judges are more familar with and that's why they're so blown away by this? OH MY GOD BEATLES WEEK SUCKS SO BAD.

David Cook sings "Eleanor Rigby," and he does "change it up." Maybe that's what Carly said in her interview: "David Cook is going to really change it up tonight. I, meanwhile, am going to look old and desperate as usual," and they just edited it funny? David Cook's makeover involves him either growing a soul patch, or having one glued onto him. He' snot attractive, and I have trouble looking at him and his big baby head, but the performance is good. Actually, I love it. Only on a theme night whose idea is so inherently bad could my two favorite performances come from Chikezie and David effing Cook.

Brooke White sings "Let It Be," and while she's as subpar a singer as Jason Castro, she has actual, detectable substance, and while it suffers from the same problems by nature as the rest of this insufferable Beatles night, hers is one of the only performances that doesn't make me want to gouge my own eyes out. She really is lovely. There's a big sign in the audience with a picture of the twins she used to care for, that says "We [heart] Brooke but we miss our nanny!" and I actually get a little choked up because, man, how did those two infants make such a good poster?! She must be an awesome nanny.

David Hernandez had a "makeover" in that his former job as a fully nude gay stripper was removed from history and replaced with a totally lame former job as a server in a pizza bistro. D-Nandez apparently took an entire course on the Beatles in college, and so, armed with his vast knowledge of the history, context and implications of the entire Lennon/McCartney catalogue, he chooses to sing... "I Saw Her Standing There." Umm. Yeah. He really should have dropped that class. It is supremely ungood. This performance reminds me of when John McCain lost the 2000 primary and then spent the next eight years systematically abandoning every single thing about him that I liked. Like John McCain and I in early 2005, D-Nandez and I are now officially in a fight. I HATE BEATLES WEEK.

Amanda Overmyer's makeover involved one curling iron and the entire cast of Steel Magnolias. She has heard her song, "You Can't Do That," for the first time ever this week, and that makes both of us. I was thinking, there has got to be some serious cash incentive for letting the producers saddle you with a crappy or obscure song you didn't really choose, because who in their right mind would actually select a song they had never heard before, from a list of some of the most well-known songs in 20th century musical history? Maybe Amanda was smart here, though, because the fact that I don't know this song makes it an order of magnitude more palatable to me than most other things we've heard tonight. Well played, Amanda.

It is at this point that I ran out of ba-doops.

Michael Johns sings "Across the Universe." It is exactly as expected, with constipated faces and all. David Hernandez really should have sung this song. It's not that bad though, and may in fact be my favorite Michael Johns performance... I mean, I know that's like being the funniest appearance by Carrot Top in a television commercial, but still.

Kristy Lee Cook talks at incredible length about how she is a country girl, and we see even more footage of her riding horses and training for cage-fighting. We get it. Her performance of "Eight Days a Week" is utterly hilarious - she has reimagined it as a country song, which in theory should be a good application of feedback the judges have given her, but in actual execution sounds like one of those songs that plays in the background during a wacky montage in some buddy comedy when the main characters are experiencing a serious of hilarious misunderstandings in a small town in the South somewhere. For this, I kind of love her. Who would have thought that Kristy Lee Cook would be my Kevin Covais of 2008? She "farts with her eyes" throughout the entire performance, and Simon rightly calls it horrendous. I call it my new ringtone.

David Archuleta goes last, to absolutely no one's surprise. He explains that he doesn't really know the Beatles' music (oh man) and accordingly, will be singing the Stevie Wonder version of "We Can Work It Out." Do you already know where this is going? He chooses a key that is SO too low for him that the first few words of every line disappear completely, but that becomes secondary when he then proceeds to forget half the words to the song anyway. MCGHEE'D! It's really awful no matter how much the judges try to skirt the issue of how awful it really was, and we end the night with a level of suckage approximately equal to that with which we started.

Well, I'm glad they finally got that Lennon/McCartney catalogue. That was some really great TV right there, on opposite day. The good news for the contestants is that their odds of being voted out (1/12) have decreased dramatically since last week (1/4). The bad news for me is that I had to watch this show, and that I'm now living in an unsettling version of reality where the most enjoyable performances of the night came from Chikezie, David Cook, and Kristy Lee Cook. Join us tomorrow night, when the Pope ceases to be Catholic.

Best Top 12 Evs?

One thing we have been hearing this season, on a rather consistent basis, is that this is the most talented group of contestants ever. Now, if it was just Randy and Paula saying this it would be one thing because they actually say it every season. But the producers seem pretty intent on ramming it down our throats with ridiculous statements like "We finally get to use the Lennon/McCartney song book because the contestants are just so talented they couldn't refuse." As if they legal team in charge of those songs had a meeting that went like this:
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Corporate Lawyer One:

Good evening gentlemen, I know every year American Idol asks us to use the songbook but I really think we should consider it this time.

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Corporate Lawyer Two:

I don't know. Didn't we already decide that these songs were too precious to be potentially butchered in some karaoke contest? That's why we only allow them to be used in commercials for the Olympics, invest banks, sneakers, toilet paper, and TrimSpa.

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Corporate Lawyer One:

I know but have you heard the contestants this year? They are just so talented!

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Corporate Lawyer two:

OMG I know! And little David Archuletta is just so precious! OK, let's do it!!!

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Anyway, I thought the best way to judge just how great these contestants are would be to compare them to the other 6 groups of finalists. I will split them into guys and girls and then rank each season 1-7. Important note: I will not be factoring in success after Idol. If that was the case then obviously seasons 1, 3, and 4 would have considerable advantages having produced Grammy and Oscar winners. We'll just be looking at how good the contestants were within the season in which they participated. Let's start with the guys!

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Season 1 Guys: Justin Guarini, RJ Helton, A.J. Gill, Jim Verraros, Ejay Day.

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I can not stress how craptastic, and gay (homosexual gay, not stupid gay) this group of contestants was. In fairness this was Idol's first season and they didn't have the reputation to pull in a lot of talented people but good lord these guys were bad. The top 10 performances by both Ejay Day and Jim Verraros would now get them spots as one of the "so bad they're funny" contestants. Not to mention Ejay Day's face is scary and he spells his first name E-J-A-Y. Gross. AJ Gill was so bad I can't even find a clip of him on youtube to prove how bad he was, and RJ Helton and Justin Guarini were passable singers with no charisma. This was by far the easiest decision. Rank: 7th

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Season 1 Girls: Kelly Clarkson, Tamyra Gray, Nikki McKibbin, Christina Christian, Ryan Starr.

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This season of women is surprisingly strong considering it was Idol's first. Obviously Kelly Clarkson has had a strong career since Idol, but she was so darn likable and talented that I'm pretty sure she could have come close to winning, if not outright win, in any other season. Also, Kelly wasn't even the most talented girl that season; that title goes to Tamyra Gray who absolutely owns this rendition of "A House is Not a Home." Christina Christian was harmless and beautiful, and yeah Nikki McKibbin and Ryan Starr kinda sucked but all in all this was a good group. Rank: 3rd

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Season 2 Guys: Clay Aiken, Ruben Studdard, Josh Gracin, Rickey Smith, Corey Clark, Charles Grigsby

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So this group is odd because of the insane drop off between the 2 great contestants and the 2 OK ones, and again between the 2 good ones and the 2 insanely bad ones. However because the 2 great guys, Clay and Ruben, were so great this season, (and yeah I know their careers tanked afterwards and now Clay Aiken is playing a supporting role in Spamalot) I ranked them pretty high. If you don't believe how awesome Clay Aiken or Ruben could be on any given night please watch Clay sing "Bridge Over Troubled Water", and Ruben sing "Superstar". And yeah Corey Clark was most well known for getting arrested during the season and the other guys were boring but whatevs. Rank: 3rd

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Season 2 Girls: Kimberly Locke, Kim Caldwell, Julia Damato, Carmen Rasmussen, Trenyce, Vanessa Olivarez

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This group should have had one major addition in the form of Frenchie Davis. Unfortunately Frenchie flashed her titays all over the interweb so she was disqualified (In case you were wondering that does indeed mean you can be a gay nude male stripper but you can't show your chest). The only good contestant here (in terms of actual talent not level of comic relief provided by their mom - I'm talking about you Julia Damato) was Kimberly Locke. Carmen Rasmussen had a goat vibrato, Kim Caldwell was a bitch, Trenyce had no last name, and who the hell is Vanessa Olivarez? If we were ranking this season based on hilarity of a contestant's mom obviously these girls would be near the top thanks to the hard work of Julia Damato's hat-wearin', scene-stealin', stylin' and profilin' madre. Alas im judging on talent so...Rank: 7th

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Season 3 Guys: George Huff, John Stevens, Jon Peter Lewis, Matthew Rogers

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You may have noticed that there only 4 guys listed. This was before Idol mandated that there had to be 6 guys and 6 girls in the finals and the contestants were so weak that only 4 qualified. I almost ranked them 7th but only one of these guys, John Stevens, was truly horrible so they escaped. Seriously these guys were all really boring and there's nothing more to say about them. Rank: 6th

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Season 3 Girls: Jennifer Hudson, Fantasia Barrino, LaToya London, Diana DeGarmo, Jasmine Trias, Amy Adams, Camile Velasco, Leah LaBelle

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This season contains my favorite Idol contestant of all-time: Ms Jennifer Hudson. It also featured the "Battle of the Divas" which produced this trifecta of amazingness from Ms. Hudson, Ms. Barrino, and Ms. London. In fact J-Hud's verison of weekend in New England is my favorite idol performance of all-time. Diana DeGarmo was pretty good too. I don't think any crop of girls will replace this one as my all-time favorite. Rank: 1st

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Season 4 Guys: Bo Bice, Anthony Federov, Scott Savol, Constantine Maroulis, Anwar Robinson, Niko Smith

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I have to admit that this was, overall, my least favorite season. I thought there were lot of blah contestants on both sides of the gender aisle. I attribute this to the fact that Carrie Underwood auditioned and they realized she was destined to win so they surrounded her with crap so she could breeze through. Anyway this group should contain Mario Vazquez but he quit and, like the season 2 girls, the absence of probably the most talented contestant really hurts. Bo Bice tried his best but these guys were seriously lacking which you may have realized when you read their names and thought, "Wait, who?" Rank: 4th

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Season 4 Girls: Carrie Underwood, Vonzell Solomon, Jessica Sierra, Nadia Turner, Lindsey Cardinale, Mikalah Gordon

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This season actually seems really similar to the current crop of female talent. There is one really good girl who seems destined to outlast all the rest (re: Carrie and Carly) and already has a recording-studio quality voice (or in Carly's case actually already had a record deal) and then a bunch of boring people. None of these girls were that great and, beside Nadia Turner's bitchin' faux-hawk and Mikalah Gordon's uncanny resemblance to the Nanny named Fran, none of them were memorable. In fact, besides Carrie's pretty awesome version of "Alone", I challenge you to find me one truly great performance form these girls. Rank: 6th

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Season 5 Guys: Chris Daughtry, Taylor Hicks, Elliot Yamin, Ace Young, Bucky Covington, Kevin Covais

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Without actually doing the research I feel pretty safe in asserting that this group of gentlemen have sold more records than any other group of male finalists. Daughtry has sold a couple million records, I'm pretty sure Elliot Yamin's album went gold and Taylor Hicks...realesaed a record? I think? But, as I stated earlier, post-show success is now how we measure these things. Season 5 was Idol's highest rated season and Hicks (even though I hated him), Daughtry (who was boring) and Yamin (love) were a big part of that. They were each unique and talented and probably rank among the best male contestants ever, all in the same season. Also, Ace Young gave me the vapors. This was a really hard decision, where does this season place? I think the names "Bucky Covington" and "Kevin Covais" preclude me from listing them first. Rank: 2nd

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Season 5 Girls: Katharine McPhee, Paris Bennett, Kellie Pickler, Mandisa, Lisa Tucker, Melissa McGee

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Season 5 really had some strong contestants! In terms of overall singing talent these girls weren't all amazing (Kellie Pickler singing Bohemin Rhapsody anyone?) but they were all really entertaining. I actually think Lisa Tucker could have been Jordin Sparks if she had just auditioned a year later, Paris Bennett was great, Mandisa was good (but she hates the gays so we have to deduct points there), and Katharine McPhee gave one of the best idol peformances ever. This was really close but I couldn't put them ahead of my season 3 girls and, as Liz posted earlier, Melissa McGee was horrible and we have to at least asknowledge she existed. Rank: 2nd

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Season 6 Guys: Blake Lewis, Chris Richardson, Phil Stacey, Sanjaya, Chris Sligh, Brandon Rogers

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Man this was not a good group of guys. I had completely forgotten about Brandon Rogers and this was only 1 season ago. Chris Richardson, when told by Simon that he was too nasally, belssed us with this gem: "Nasally is a type of singing you know." Yeah a bad tpye of singing. In Chris's defense he did have a #1 hit on the Adult Contemporary Nasal charts just last week. Blake was fine but Chris Sligh and Phil were pretty lame, and Sanjaya was...well...AWESOME. Unfortunately he was awesome in the meta-ironic-enjoyment way and not in the actually-being-talented way. Yowza. Rank: 5th

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Season 6 Girls: Jordin Sparks, Melinda Doolittle, Lakisha Jones, Gina Glocksen, Haley Scarnato, Stephanie Edwards

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This top 6 split pretty evenly between the 3 really good contestants (Sparks, Dolittle, Jones) and those other 3 girls. Haley Scarnato gets some bonus points from me for realizing that she could stay in the competition by showing off her gams and then proceeding to get more naked every week. But really there were only 3 good girls this season, and 2 of them looked like Shrek. Rank: 4th

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Season 7 Guys: David Achuleta, David Cook, David Hernandez, Michael Johns, Jason Castro, Chikezie

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It is going to be hard to rank this season as we have yet to see what these contestants will do in the finals but I think there's a good idea of what they're capable of and what they've done so far. So are these really the most talented guys ever? Juding on talent, uniqueness, and potential to win, I think I have to say...yes. I would not be suprised if David A, David C, or Michael won this whole thing. It's conceivable that Daivd Hernandez could catch fire or Jason Castro's brand of indie-hippie-folk-rock somehow survives the inevitable Latin or Disco Night. The only guy here who has NO chance of doing well is Chikezie and I actually think he'd fare much better in almost any other season. These guys are as unique as season 5 but, overall, have more singing talent. The Idol graveyard is littered with untalented boys, so maybe being the most talented group of guys is like being the world's tallest midget, or the highest rated show on the CW, or the least gay member of A Chorus Line. Still, these guys seem to be the best. Rank: 1st

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Season 7 Girls: Carly Smithson, Brooke White, Ramiele Mulabay, Syesha Mercado, Amanda Overmyer, Kristy Lee Cook

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Well the guys have proved the Idol Producers right, what about the girls? Alas, the forecast is nto so sunny. As I mentioned earlier when discussing season 4 there is one girl who is clearly better than everyone else (Carly), and then a bunch of "blah" contestants. I think the one excpetion with season 7 is Brooke White who has managed to string together 2 pretty great, melisma-free, classy peformances (including my favorite performance by a girl this season). But c'mon, does anyone believe she could actually win? Does anyone think ANY of these girls can win besides Carly? I say no. Rank: 5th

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So let's review the rankings for the guys:

1. Season 7
2. Season 5
3. Season 2
4. Season 4
5. Season 6
6. Season 3
7. Season 1

And for the Girls:

1. Season 3
2. Season 5
3. Season 1
4. Season 6
5. Season 7
6. Season 4
7. Season 2

So how does this all add up? Well if you assign point values to each season based on their rank, then the lowest number would give you the most talented season. For example: Season 4 got a rank of 6 for the girls and 4 for the guys, which would give them a score of 10. So let's add it up and see what we get!

1. Season 5 (4 points)
2. Season 7 (6 points)
3. Season 3 (7 points)
4. Season 6 (9 points)
5. Season 4 (10 points)
6. Season 2 (10 points)
7. Season 1 (10 points)

So there you have it. Based on my completely scientific, and irrefutable analysis the most talented season was actually season 5. I hope you have enjoyed this little jaunt through idol history. OH! One last thing. RIP Danny Noriega, you were by far the best part of this season!

Idol's Top 16: The Least Shocking Results Show Ever

Tonight on American Idol: everyone your coworkers predicted would go home, goes home. The tears and Ryan Seacrest's suspense-building pauses, however, come standard - so get used to it.

The show opens with a special guest performance by Blake Lewis, and how sad is it when the fame achieved by runners-up on American Idol is, as a rule, greater than that achieved by the actual winners? Granted, seasons 1 and 4 are major exceptions; I really don't think Justin Guarini's phone is ringing off the hook these days. But still. Anyway, here's Blake, with (a newly contact-lensed?) Chris Sligh in his band, Jamiroquaing around the stage, singing about how he's through with you. He's great, if you're the kind of person who wishes Justin Timberlake would just collaborate with Keane already. Oh. You are? Point taken. Blake is through with you either way, though. BTW, I want to be the first to point out that the bridge of this song is identical to the verses in "Don't Stand So Close to Me" by The Police.

Blake tells this year's kids to be true to themselves. Unless "true to themselves" involves using apostrophes inappropriately, possessing a weird girly-man voice, having a permanently bitchy-looking face, or being a flaming, prancing, Z-snapping homosexual... in which case they may want to try something different.

The next 50 minutes will involve a whole lot of pregnant pauses that do nothing to infuse the totally unsurprising announcements of who's out and who's safe with an element of, err... surprise. It fails in all but two cases. Accordingly, I will share my reactions to each announcement on a scale of "DUH!," "DURR!," and "Whaaat? Glaaadiator!".

Ryan first announces that Paula's music video is number one on iTunes. Since I can't imagine that thousands of people love that video ironically, this kind of makes my brain explode.

David Cook is called up first. Ryan mentions that he spoke to Lionel Richie on the phone today, and Lionel loved David's performance. Whoa. Is Ryan Seacrest in Lionel Richie's fave five or something? I bet Simon is dying a little on the inside right now. Dear Lionel Richie Diary, he'll write later, Today Lionel Richie totally snubbed me. He like, texted Ryan to talk about his feelings. And he knows I have unlimited nights and weekends! Did our chance encounter at Whole Foods mean nothing? I hate Lionel. I hate him, and we are no longer "Kashi Good Friends."

Anyway, David Cook is in. My reaction: DURR!

David Archuleta is up next. He stands up with the usual "Goll-y! You mean me?!" grin that I so love on opposite day, and is pronounced safe. My reaction: DURR! Also, I threw up in my mouth a little. And it really made me think about the starving kids in Africa, because they don't even have partially digested food to throw up a little in their mouths.

Jason Castro is safe, and might I mention that in the recap of last night's performance it occurs to me what was so wrong with it - it's like, he knew he was expected to emote and "perform" the song because it's supposed to be so emotional and powerful, and he had absolutely no idea what to do... so he adopted this random phrasing and lots of totally unnecessary inhalations for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON. No reason musically, no reason lyrically, no reason vocally. Just because. It was like the vocal equivalent of the Idol poopy dance - he did it just to do Something. Anyway, America loved it. My reaction: DURR!

Brooke White is safe. My reaction: DUH!

Syesha Mercado is safe, obviously, because there are still six other girls to get to and Kady Malloy is next. My reaction: DUH!

Kady Malloy is going home, finally, after three weeks of my predicting she would leave. She seems utterly gregarious in her farewell video package. In Suffragette City, Asia'h and Ramiele are crying, and Brooke White still REALLY needs to work on her sad face. She expresses sadness entirely with her mouth, making the most exaggerated, almost satirical "pouty" faces. I would really prefer that she's faking it than consider that maybe this is her actual facial expression when she's sad. Meanwhile, Kady sounds horrible. My reaction: DURR!

David Hernandez is called up, and he is... wait, D-Nandez is safe?! America voted, and they're letting a gay stripper who sang a Celine Dion song into the Top 12?! BE STILL, MY BEATING HEART! Oh, D-Nandez, I am so thrilled for you. Please do me the favor of singing "Why Don't We Do It In The Road" during Beatles week. My reaction: Whaaat? Glaaadiator!

Michael Johns is safe. My reaction: DUH!

Luke Menard is going home. You know how I know this? Well, in addition to the fact that everyone in the world knows this, Ryan's doing the eliminations in the exact same order he did for the girls. Yawn. My reaction: DURR! Luke's sing-out is, of course, atrocious. Paula, on the other hand, is the true star of this performance. Behind the judges' table, she is doing what appears to be the actual choreography from the Wham! music video. She is seriously busting a freakin' move over there. She's already on her feet before he even begins singing. Save until I delete, TiVo.

Ramiele Mulabay is safe, obviously, because she's going to win. Ryan tells her this in a very confusing, convoluted way. Did someone let Paula type into the teleprompter for a minute there? My reaction: DURR!

Carly Smithson is let into the Top 12 minus Ryan's pregnant pause, and as Ryan says for the eighth or so time, "take a stool," I can't help but picture him as the charming host of next year's breakout hit series Lab Technician Idol, in which the winners each week would be presented with a congratulatory stool sample. Just me? Okay then. So Carly is in. My reaction: DURR! As they say, 378 Carly Smithson fans can't be wrong! I should note here that Carly is wearing a fetching orange garment from the Peloponnesian War tonight.

Amanda Overmyer is third-to-last, so clearly she's in. My reaction: DUH!

There is some stalling while we wait to find out whether it's Asia'h or KLC going home, and everyone pretends not to know who it's going to be.

Asia'h Epperson is going home (my reaction: DUH!), and Ryan, unprompted, gives her the option to sing or not to sing. Whoa now. Have we decided here in season seven that sing-outs are now optional? Come on. The incredibly awkward performance immediately after receiving crushing news about how unpopular you are is one of the absolute hallmarks of discomfort on this show! God, next thing you know they'll start holding auditions in rooms with two fully operational doors. Asia'h is actually really great in her sing-out. There's no joy in it, but she's a total trooper, and completely nails the high notes. Paula is crying. Danny Noriega looks like he's been bludgeoned with a tire iron.

No rest for the weary tearies - Chikezie nods like he knows he's about to be told he's going home, but Danny Noriega is out. He does the half-moose to Simon through his tears, and guys, I seriously love this kid. This time not ironically at all. You can tell Simon adores him in some bemused way, too. Ramiele is DESTROYED, and buries her face in Carly's motherly bosom. Paula's crying again. And hey, forget what I just said about Asia'h's sing-out, because Danny owns the night here. He pulls his shit together and delivers an awesome, Blaze-of-Glory-style farewell performance. Ramiele sobs. Paula bops back and forth like a Weeble. My reaction: Whaaat? Glaaadiator!

Next week, a brand new stage, a brand new elimination song by Ruben Studdard, and the contestants get to murder selections from the Lennon/McCartney catalogue. Yay.

Idol's Top 8 Girls: 50% Better than Last Time!

So last week there were 2 good performances by our Idol ladies and this week there were...wait for it...3! If they continue with this pattern then next week we will get 4.5 good performances which can only mean that Ramiele will get in on this because she is 1/2 the size of a normal person (seriously did you see her standing next to kristy lee? It was frightening).

Speaking of Ramiele, she further proved her bff-ness with Danny Noriega. They share glasses! You may have seen my post about Danny last night. I am in love with him. Maybe it's some kind of gay solidarity thing, ok it's totally that, but I don't care. America needs a little Danny Noriega. With that said I think he'll be headed home tomorrow night with Luke Menard. Le sad.

Onto the ladies! Tonight I will be giving my general observations and then I will rate their chances of making the final 12: either Totes (they will totally make it), Mabes (they might make it), or Kady Malloy (see: Kady Malloy).

The H started out tonight and she was OK but she needs to stop picking insanely hard songs that have been done by extremely talented singers. Whitney Houston? Seriously?? If The H continues on this trajectory she will surely be performing the Habanera by the time we get to the top 10. Which would be fine by me as long as she reverts to her old singing style and performs the 'Abanera. Top 12 verdict: Mabes

Kady Malloy's most embarrassing moment was when she butchered the song "Beautiful" in a 9th grade talent show. I was going to say something nice about Kady since the judges always rip on her, but the fact that she sang "Beautiful" when she was in 9th grade makes me feel so old that all I can say is: Top 12 verdict: Kady Malloy

Next up is Amanda Overmyer and she gives the first good performance of the night (only 2 more left!). I can't say if I'm happy that she toned down the Bride of Frankenstein hair, the spastic dancing, and the tuneless singing because I was loving that beautiful train wreck thing she had going on. Anyway, Amanda is sooooooooooo over this show. She seriously could give two shits about what the judges have to say and you know what? More power too her. Top 12 verdict: Totes

I'm not quite sure why the Idol producers put 2 good performances in a row when they only had 3 to give but whatevs. Carly Smithson sings fairly well and if I were her I would be pumped because all I have to do is sing passably and I'm automatically the baddest bitch in the competition. Carly also looks, at least in my opinion, exponentially prettier every week. Top 12 Verdict: Totes

When Kristy Lee Cook was 7 she thought she was a dog. She didn't just act like a dog, or dress up like a dog, she actually believed she was a dog. FOR A WHOLE YEAER! How indulgent were her parents?!?! If I had a child who actually thought they were a dog, that shit would get about a two week window of allowance before I had to inform the little psychopath that they were indeed human and needed to stop humping the mailman's leg this instant! Also, her singing was boring. Top 12 Verdict: Kady Malloy

Ramielle Mulabay is up next and man is her song boring. Paula tries to liven up the festivities by babbling incoherently about mutts and Danny Noriega does liven up the festivities by wearing Ramielle's glasses and being fabulous. Top 12 Verdict: Mabes

Brooke White performs next and gives my favorite performance of the night. I don't know If I'm alone in my thinking, but it was actually my favorite female performance of this entire season. I loved what she did with the song, it was smart and classy. Randy and Paula tell Brooke that she should have used the band, but NOT using the band was exactly why the song was so great. I might even go download this on iTunes. Top 12 Verdict: Totes

We finish off the show with Syesha Mercado because...the judges love her? I honestly have no idea why she gets to go last. Syesha has gone back to banshee wailing so at least she's singing in tune. I really don't like her. Top 12 Verdict: Mabes

So who do I think is going home? I'm going to go with Kady Malloy and Kristy Lee Cook. Goodbye ladies!

OBSESSED

Danny Noriega is the greatest (re: gayest) thing to ever happen to American Idol and we must keep him around! The end.

Idol's Top 8 Guys: The Size of a Walnut, and Flaky

My oh my. It's the '80s on American Idol, and the guys are pretty good, with a few glaring exceptions. Named Luke Menard.

But first, last week's results show. I took extensive notes but didn't have time to blog about it. So quickly, the highlights:

• Randy said the word "yesteryear" an astounding number of times in the same sentence.
• Ramiele Malubay wore some very high-waisted pants that did her absolutely no favors.
• When Jason Yeager was eliminated, there was a quick reaction shot to the Dawg Pound, which showed several other contestants looking concerned/sympathetic and Danny Noriega checking his manicure. No lie - consult your TiVo for this magic moment.
• David Archuleta, on the other hand, sobbed like Elizabeth Wurtzel when Alexandrea was eliminated. Sources says it's because they've known each other since they competed on Star Search and have become quite close. Either that or he had just realized he had cancer.
• Robbie Carrico is apparently dating Jessi Peralta. Yes, THAT Jessi Peralta.

Anyway, onward and... upward, I guess. In most cases. Excluding Luke Menard's.

Tonight on Idol, the guys will be sharing some of their most embarrassing moments with us viewing at home. Luke Menard tells a story about how his older sister used to wish he was a girl and dress him up like a ballerina. Photos accompany. He sings "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go," and it is without a doubt one of the worst vocal performances I have ever heard on this show, especially, and punishingly, when he hits the trademark "hiiiiiiiiigh" at the end of each chorus, missing it by less than a semitone each time. He sings like a newly deaf middle-aged woman.

David Archuleta is up next, and he sings "Another Day in Paradise." Okay, I hate David Archuleta, but hearing his voice immediately after Luke's is like applying refrigerated aloe vera gel to a fresh sunburn. Well played, producers. David's performance is what the judges - if he were a girl - would describe as "pageanty." He begins the song playing the piano, and it's a very smart move because the song is way too old for him, and piano-playing is in this case a very convincing substitute for, you know, emoting. About halfway through, he steps away from the piano and starts in with the pageant hand gestures, and it immediately becomes obvious that he's a 17 year old kid who won Star Search singing a song about Serious Issues. Randy and Paula say some unintelligible things about his "vocal prowness [sic]" and "imperfect perfection," and Simon calls the song out for being too gloomy, which is another way of saying what I just said: he's a pageant kid singing a song written by someone older and more wistful than he can pull off. Meanwhile, David pageants on about why he chose the song and blah blah blah, hold on a second, I've got to go vomit a rainbow.

Gratuitous shot of Denise Richards in the audience. She's clapping, but her face says, "Eff you guys, I sang better than this in the highly underrated Drop Dead Gorgeous, while dancing with Jesus."

Danny Noriega's embarrassing moment involved falling down, in front of his crush. Thank you, Danny, for lifting that little anecdote straight out of Seventeen magazine and not even trying to entertain this stupid idea for an interview segment. He sings "Tainted Love," and I could make the obvious play-on-words joke there, but it's just too easy. Like all of his performances, this is kind of... good in spite of itself. This is what fascinates me about Danny Noriega - for all of his obnoxious tics that say Novelty Contestant, he can't help being better at singing and performing than half the people still on this show. This is a fact that continually surprises everyone. Except Danny, who remains utterly nonplussed that yes, he's great at this. He's like the anti-Archuleta. Needless to say, Paula loves him, calling him both "sensitive" and "spicy," causing Simon to remark, "rather like a chicken wing."

At first I think David Hernandez is going to tell us how embarrassing it was for the whole world to find out, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that as of just last fall he used to be a "fully nude dancer" who gave lap dances to men. But it turns out D-Nandez has something even better up his sleeve: he once did an entire photo shoot unaware that there was a giant booger hanging out of his nose - a booger he goes on to describe as "the size of a walnut, and flaky." Curiously, also an apt description of every guy I dated in college. D-Nandez sings "It's All Coming Back to Me Now," and he either has really bad diction, or he's about to request that we hold his weggy weggy lishes (...I wonder if that costs extra? Yeeah, jokes!). It's probably his worst performance so far, but the judges like it fine and assure him that he'll still be around next week. Which pretty much guarantees that he won't be.

Michael Johns once got the crap beaten out of him while dressed like a kangaroo. He provides context for this, but it's unnecessary. He sings "Don't You Forget About Me," and I guess it's okay. I don't know. It sounds like Pearl Jam covering the song, and you know, with something like that you either like it or you don't, but there's no way to objectively determine whether or not it's good. When Randy mentions that Michael hit some "bum notes," I giggle thinking about David Hernandez.

David Cook and his combover join us next to sing "Hello" by Lionel Richie, and then Simon joins us to talk about how he was at Whole Foods with Lionel Richie just the other day - he bought carrots and Lionel Richie bought cereal. Simon knows this offhand because he's brought his moleskine Lionel Richie Journal along for easy reference. And thank God for that, because otherwise we would all be uncertain about what Lionel Richie was buying at Whole Foods yesterday. So thank you, Simon, for sparing the American psyche such anguish. Ryan tries to make some veiled innuendo about what Simon and Lionel Richie did after buying groceries, and not only does this joke make no sense, but we all know that if Simon had something like that in his moleskine Lionel Richie Journal, we'd all have read it by now, so... what the hell show is this?

Jason Castro was told last week to lose the guitar, and he does so, on exactly the wrong song: Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah." You may know this song as Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah," or if you're younger than that, Rufus Wainwright's "Hallelujah," or, heaven forbid, "That Song Imogen Heap Sang When Marissa Cooper Died." Which demonstrates something you need to understand about this song: every artist famous for having recorded it has done a version so utterly distinct and personal that it becomes almost a brand new song, with its own associations in its own time and space. It is so easy to play, so easy to sing, so malleable that once it's recorded, all it IS is whatever personal business the artist has put into it. Jason Castro doesn't get any of this. At all. So he sings a version that sounds like a half-conceived hybrid of the Cohen/Buckley/Wainwright takes, lifting affectations from all of them, and copying Jeff Buckley's ending riff note for note. It is an utter waste of time, because he's not as good as any of them and the song is not musically interesting enough on its own to survive such an uninspired reading. I hate it. I would rather sit through an entire hour of Luke Menard singing the greatest hits of Wham! than watch this performance one more time. F minus.

Chikezie performs pretty much as an afterthought.

My favorite of the night, by far, is Colton Berry, who sings "Oh Yeah" as made famous in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. His performance is simply captivating, and spare - in a single spotlight, accompanied by strings. For the first time tonight, we see a performance in which you can tell the singer really means what he's singing.