Idol's Top 12 Guys: Two "rockers," two gay Elvises, and a guy named Jacuzzi

Let's make quick work of this, shall we? The boys sang, they were by turns mediocre, flamboyant, underwhelming, and terrifying. The judges did that thing where they have everyone sing songs from the '60s, and then act incredulous when some of the performances sound like they came straight from... the '60s. Don't these contestants know they're supposed to Make It [Their] Own? Come on, have they not been watching this show for the past six years? Everyone knows there are three easy steps to Making It Your Own:

1. Arbitrarily change the tempo. Nothing says "I know who I am as an artist" like singing a ballad at the pace of a lively Turkish march. Or better yet, breaking down an uptempo song into a Boyz II Men style slow jam. It doesn't really matter what you do, just remember: no one unique or special ever sang a song at its intended speed.
2. Sing badly. Feel free to be creative with this one - yell, growl, mumble, yodel, whine, or take on a hilarious accent. Just be sure to remain consistent with whatever affectation you choose, for it's this unwavering commitment to one glaring flaw in vocal technique that separates a plain old misstep from "a style all your own."
3. Add electric guitar. This should be self-explanatory. What better way to showcase your hip, offbeat, Zeitgeist-lovin' interpretation of the song than to add an electric guitar? Ta da! Instant relevance. You can thank me later, when you're accepting that Grammy for your totally rockin' rendition of "Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round the Old Oak Tree."

Duh. This is basic stuff. Anyway, onto the performances...

David Hernandez can actually sing, and just may be one of the most attractive contestants ever to make it to this stage. However, he is over 20 years old, childless, and NOT an embarrassment to society. So he'll probably be going home soon.

Chikezie... hey, didn't he have a last name just the other day? Is he supposed to be season 7's Mandisa or something? Because he's horrible at being Mandisa. Incidentally, he is also horrible at being a good singer, choosing his own clothing, and holding himself back from making snotty comments to the judges on the very first night of the semifinals. Great.

David Cook is sporting a bleached, flat ironed, sideswept combover. And if he thinks any amount of bleaching, flat ironing or sidesweeping is going to magically turn that combover into not a combover, he's wrong. He sings "Happy Together" and really Makes It His Own. Kudos, David Cook! Clearly you've seen this show before.

I can't say anything mean about Jason Yeager because I think his son either has some kind of developmental problem, or just looks very very unfortunately like Milla Jovovich. Enough. Jason is out this week.

Robbie Carrico is another one who Makes It His Own, this time aided greatly by season 7's first use of the Chris Daughtry Memorial Strobelights. It should be noted here that he is dressed almost identically to me circa 6th grade.

Is it too early to have David Archuleta fatigue? I know Mike really likes him, and he's actually quite good, but can we quit pretending he's an actual, viable contender to win the competition? Imagine Melinda Doolittle had a child with Will Makar, and then that child was lobotomized, but retained a very good singing voice and disarming humility and charm. There you have... David Archuleta. Of course, the judges want to sell little statuettes of him outside the Vatican.

Danny Noriega. I should hate him, right? In the sense that he reminds me of every obnoxious flaming kid I ever worked with in a mall. Yet somehow, I adore every single thing about him. This kid has no fear whatsoever. He sings "Jailhouse Rock" in the skinniest pair of skinny pants in the whole wide world, Simon hates it, and a million Justin Suarezes viewing at home hit "save until I delete" on their TiVos. Would that I could choose "save forevs and evs" on my TiVo.

Hey look, James van der Beek tried out for American Idol! Oh wait, it's Orlando Bloom! Oh wait... it's this guy from Illinois named Luke Menard. He sings a song that, in addition to being quite boring, seems to contain so many key changes that it's hard to tell at any given time if he's choosing the next note at random. Not promising. It's good to know though that if this doesn't pan out he could still have a lucrative career posing on Dawson's Creek parade floats. If those exist.

Colton Berry is probably wearing mascara, judging by the opacity of his eyelashes on stage as compared to earlier interview footage. Good for him. He sings another Elvis song, and I want to be BFFs with him, because apparently I like 'em bug-eyed (see: David Hernandez). Also, he claims to sing the Teletubbies theme song to himself in order to calm down in times of stress. I hope he also owns a pair of lucky pantyhose.

(Leif) Garrett Healey is terrifying. The end.

Jason Castro plays a guitar, sings "What a Day for a Daydream," and signs a contract to score the next sequel to Shrek on his way offstage. Incidentally, I know of this place where you can meet thousands upon thousands of Jason Castros that will happily play their guitar for you and sing like this any time you want - and maybe even offer to share their calzone! It's called college.

Michael Johns is from Australia and is very attractive and has great stage presence. So why don't I care? Must be the absence of skinny pants... or, you know, a soul.

My predictions for who's gone on Thursday? Jason Yeager, for one. The other will be either Luke, Chikezie or David Hernandez (say it ain't so!).