Throughout the 6 seasons of American Idol (that I have watched obsessively) I have always, always liked the girls more than the boys. I would argue that it's because the girls have more talent: they're better singers, they have better stage presence, and most importantly to me, they are teeming with sassy black woman belting their hearts out (re: Tamyra Gray, Kim Locke, Jennifer Hudson, Fantasia, Mandisa, Melinda Doolittle). Although I've liked particular guys like Elliot Yamin, I've never enjoyed them in mass.
This year, however, is very different. Last night there were guys, both good and gloriously bad, that really kept me entertained. Yes, there was boring Luke Menard and Jason Yaeger, but there was also Michael Johns, beautiful hippie Jason Castro and David Archuleta, who I will talk about later on becuase I am in love with him. The trainwrecks were also great! There was the gay elvis extravaganza, and somehow Gollum is a finalist this year (note: he goes by the alias "Garrett Healey"). Also, as we will soon find out, the girls pretty much suck. Lame.
Anyway, onto tonight, it's Black Plague Night on Idol! Oh wait, I'm sorry it's 60's night. I got confused because Ryan opened the show by letting us know that all the girls are really sick and we shouldn't hate them when they tank. He also reminds us that Randy thinks the guys can "definitely blow". I have no recollection of Randy saying this, and can only assume he's reffering to Danny Noriega. Finally, Ryan says that this year the girls are in it to win it. This is in direct contrast to the first 6 seasons of Idol when all the girls wanted to lose REALLY BAD. So for all of you who thought Antonella Barba sucked, well you were right, BUT she was totally sucking on purpose. In reality she was actually the winner of the anti-idol contest the women were having. In a related note if this is how the ladies perform when they're "in it to win it" they might want to consider their old approach.
ANYWAY onto the performances...
Kristy Lee Cook is up first and, according to Paula, Randy, and Ryan she's like, totally sick you guys. Unless Kristy has contracted some disease that sucks out all your stage presence and charisma, and gives you a case of crazy-eyes, then I see no signs of illness. Anyway, by the way Paula is playing it up you'd think Kristy Lee has ebola, which actually would make me like her more. It was nice that she sang something other than "Amazing Grace" as I was 25% sure she was some country-fembot programmed to sing only that song, but, she's bad and boring...this will not be the last time you hear that phrase.
Joanne Borgella actually epitomizes Idol 7's Bizarro World theme. She's a big, beautiful, confident black woman, who sings like Jessica Simpson. It's particularly infuriating because every season I fall in love with a sassy black woman who, by the looks of her, could possibly be a dude, and looks like she's gonna eat my face when she sings. Joanne should be this contestant! LAME.
Alaina Whitaker has a birthday tomorrow. She wants to stay on Idol and, hopefully, get some great shoes. I hate her. She only infuriates me more when she goes out there and sings really well. Not only does she sing well but David Archuletta is totally oggling her from the audience! Stay away from my man, bitch! You stay the fuck away. Well, I have a new nemesis.
Amanda Overmeyer got hit by a truck. She claims she's 23...in dog years? Also she looks and performs like Elvira on steroids. Amanda sings a tuneless ditty repleat with scat solos. It's hideous, I love it.
Amy Davis might want to steal a few moves from the Antonella playbook and put some wang-in-mouth pictures on the interweb because, after that musical abortion, I see no other way for her to stick around. Also, is she the actress from the show "Bones"? Would she be allowed to be on Idol? Anyway, bad and boring.
Brooke White is pretty. I thought she was ok and boring, which is an impovement over other ladies. I think her best chance is to parlay this Idol thing into a career singing indy songs for IPOD commercials.
Alexandrea Lushington wears superfluous suspenders. She has two distinct voices, a good one and a horrible one. If she pledges to NEVER sing in her upper register ever again I will vote for her. I've also heard Alexandrea was on star search and lost to none other than David Archuletta. I hope she was ok with that because it's about to happen again. Also, she must hate filling out her name on bubble sheets.
Kady Malloy spells her name funny and is also a horrible performer. That's not a good combination. Also Kady was the one who officialy pushed me over the edge into full-fledged "I hate this show all these girls suck" mode. Congrats Kady!
Asia'h Epperson is amazing for the following reason: 1) the absolutely unnecessary apostrophe that accents the "h" in her name, 2) the fact that she can't say the letter "h" when she sings. Think about that! She goes out of her way to let you know that you better be sayin' that "h" in her name, and then sings "take another little peice of my 'eart." Also she's on-pitch and energetic which puts her in the top 3 girls for the night. Also this officialy means that my nemesis Alaina is no longer the best girl.
Ramielle Mulabay stole Joanne Borgella's voice like Ursula in The Little Mermaid! There is no other explanation for why Joanne sounds like whiny little Philipino girl and Ramielle sounds like a big black lady. Her necklace is the secret to her power! She must be stopped!
Syesha Mercado screams all her songs. All of them. The judges love her and I guess compared to most of the other "singers" she's not horrible. Why are you doing this to me Idol?!
Carly Smithson finishes off the night. She actually sounds sick, not like Kristy Lee sick but legitimately sick. Paula again wants us to know that everyone has bird flu, whooping cough, and various STD's. This all compromises Carly's performance which I'm sure otherwise would have been good enough to sell dozens and dozens of records.
So who will go home? Oh man this is tough. It could be Amy, Kady, Joanne, Alexandrea, or maybe even Kristy. I'm going to go with Amy and Kady.
In conclusion: everyone go get your flu shot right now!!!
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