Considering their similarities - both executively produced by Josh Schwartz, both chronicling the daily dramas of overprivileged high school students and their parents, as set to an only-slightly-indie soundtrack - I thought I'd delve a little deeper into the differences between the two. The contrasts and subtle distinctions that will determine once and for all which one of these shows is the greater masterpiece...
ROUND 1: The Logo | |
The O.C. | Gossip Girl |
 A tidy sans serif logo in orange and blue. |  What's this? A tidy sans serif logo in orange and blue? Schwartz, you crazy! |
Winner: Obvs, it's a tie here. We're going to have to dig a little deeper to settle this...
ROUND 2: The Theme Song | |
The O.C. | Gossip Girl |
| "California," by Phantom Planet, which is an awesome song, and which got no less awesome after it became the theme song for the show. | A cacophany of clanking and beeping, capped off by Gossip Girl's reverbed voice signing off, "You know you love me. XOXO, Gossip Girl." I can't believe this is the best they could do. |
Winner: The O.C. - Gossip Girl, please see me after class.
ROUND 3: The Setting | |
The O.C. | Gossip Girl |
 Newport Beach, CA. Sun shines, waves crash, Ryan lives in a poolhouse. |  New York, NY. Takes place mainly on the Upper East Side, and whatever nook of Brooklyn the Humphreys supposedly live in. |
Winner: Sorry, Gossip Girl. Maybe it's just because I've lived on the east coast for the last 20 years, but compared to the rich, summery hues of Newport Beach, your scenery is bo-ring. This one goes to The O.C.
ROUND 4: The Waif Next Door | |
The O.C. | Gossip Girl |
 Marissa Cooper. Ingenue. Tragic heroine. One-time lesbian, suicide attempter, pool furniture abuser, owner of bangs. |  Nate Archibald. Pretty boy. Tragic hero. Family pawn, father incriminator, cheater, moper - also, curiously, an owner of bangs. |
Winner: Gossip Girl. I cannot think of a more detested character in the history of television than Marissa Cooper. Plus, Nate's bangs are better. And he hasn't, as of this writing, shot anyone and subsequently gotten kicked out of school and fallen in love with a surfer with no personality who then jumps off a cliff. I mean, of course he hasn't. That would be a ridiculous storyline.
ROUND 5: The Dad Who's Cooler Than His Kids | |
The O.C. | Gossip Girl |
 The man, the myth, Sandy Cohen. Used to be a public defender, now defends the honor of his loved ones with the power of his eyebrows alone. And he surfs! |  Rufus Humphrey. Has a name so stupid I can't believe I just typed it. Used to be in a band. Is way too young to have kids in high school. Refers to mashed potatoes as "the mashed." Yikes, Rufus. |
Winner: The O.C. Listen, Rufus. It's just not happening for me. Trying to compare you to Sandy Cohen is like trying to compare former New Hampshire state representative Dick Swett to Franklin Delano Roosevelt. You're just outclassed... and Sandy doesn't even have polio!
ROUND 6: The Seth Cohen | |
The O.C. | Gossip Girl |
 Seth Cohen. |  Dan Humphrey - he's like Seth Cohen, but wearing a scarf. |
Winner: Actually, Gossip Girl. Don't get me wrong, they're the same character - neurotic, pretentious, out of place among their peers yet somehow assuredly superior, and quirky while still being as generic as possible - but I'm giving this to Dan, because he hasn't has as many opportunities to annoy me. Remember the episode of The O.C. where Seth pulls an all-nighter the night before he has to pitch his comic book, and then he FREAKS OUT during the meeting, and it's neither cute nor disarming, just unfathomably irritating? Yeah, we stopped being friends that day.
ROUND 7: The Urban Cougar | |
The O.C. | Gossip Girl |
 Julie Cooper. Married four times in four seasons of the show. Lived in a trailer. Loved Bob Seger. Once slept with her daughter's boyfriend. |  Lily van der Woodsen. Entangled with two men, both currently married. Lives in a hotel. Loved Rufus' stupid band he used to be in. Once slept with her daughter's boyfriend's dad, which is somehow grosser. |
Winner: The O.C. As if there's any contest. You can't out-Julie-Cooper Julie Cooper. Lily van der Woodsen is pretty great, but she's going to need to be involved in a few more murder plots if she hopes to ever catch up with the original Urban Cougar.
ROUND 8: The Ex-Girlfriend As Plot Contrivance | |
The O.C. | Gossip Girl |
 Ryan's childhood friend and first love, Teresa, comes to town and lives in a motel for a while, then becomes pregnant with Ryan's baby, ruining the entire show and sending Marissa on a dark spiral to her eventual death. |  Dan's childhood friend and first love, Vanessa, comes to town and invites herself everywhere, whines a lot about how Serena is prettier than she is, and almost prevents Dan from losing his virginity. Oh, and she's "alternative," too. |
Winner: I have to give this one to Gossip Girl, for sheer believability. Although this is admittedly a battle for best loser, Vanessa at least hasn't caused Dan to, you know, spend half a season living in Chino and working at construction site.
ROUND 9: General Believability of Entire Show Concept | |
The O.C. | Gossip Girl |
| Get this: a lawyer feels really bad for this kid, his client, who stole a car, and so he brings the kid home to his family that very day and raises him like a son. | Get this: an entire high school lives and breathes by the word of an anonymous blogger named Gossip Girl, who is more influential than God. Based on a series of books by the same name. |
Winner: Between the two, The O.C. is less fundamentally ludicrous. That is kind of sad.
Overall score... OC 5, GG 3. A close match! Of course, there's still time to close the gap... who knows what might be lurking around the corner for Gossip Girl? Overdoses! Inter-generational affairs! Secret lovechildren! Fraud! Blackmail! Imogen Heap!
Just please, stop the cruelty to pool furniture. It's not funny and it silences the voices of the millions of pool chairs who have actually been thrown into pools.
You know you love me. XOXO.
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