Letters From Dead Presidents: Part 2

In this on-going segment, past U.S. Presidents write letters to present-day Americans.

Today's letter comes from Grover Cleveland, our 22nd and 24th President. I initially asked him to do a telephone briefing, but he vetoed that option and instead sent us this letter.

Dear America,

Kindly, go fuck yourselves. No, I'm serious. You didn't appreciate me when I was office, you didn't appreciate me when I was back in office, and you sure as hell don't appreciate me now. Oh sure, you know my name. Maybe you remember me as the guy who married the 21-year-old barely legal hottie Frances Cornelia Folsom while I was president, or the guy who had clandestine surgery for a malignant tumor on my hard palate and ended up with a hideously deformed mouth as a result. You may remember my face being briefly featured on the one-thousand dollar bill, until the bill was discontinued as a result of your steadfast refusal to stop being a bunch of stupid assholes, America.

Do you have any idea what I did for this country? Do you have any idea what ridiculous legislation might have passed if I'd not had the presence of mind to veto the shit out of it, or at least oppose it staunchly? Let me count the atrocities!

1. Hawaii. If I had not vetoed the idea, Hawaii would have become a state. Imagine that! Muumuus would be acceptable attire for the home and workplace.We'd all be wearing leis and roasting pigs day in and day out. We'd have ports that were dangerously accessible by the Japanese if they were to, say, attack us somehow. Thank God I vetoed that.


2. Women's suffrage. Need I expand further on the patent ludicrousness of this preposterous suggestion? It was bad enough when we had to extend the right to vote to poor people and fatties. Women have a place in this society, and that place is not the voting booth. Why, there's not even enough room in there to embroider psalms on a sampler!


3. Unions. You may recall my heroic act as immortalized in the 1992 film Newsies, where I famously intervened in the Pullman Strike.

You're welcome, America.

I served two non-consecutive terms in the White House, which would have been three consecutive terms, had a loophole in the electoral process not cost me the 1888 election to Benjamin Harrison. You see, I clearly won the popular vote that year - however, Republican legacy candidate Benjamin Harrison overtook me in the electoral college, in a result that stank of ballot fraud. Good thing nothing like that ever happened again!

You're all a bunch of douchebags,

President Grover Cleveland
Not Bitter Or Anything