Letters From Dead Presidents

In this on-going segment past U.S. Presidents write letters to present-day Americans.

Hello, as-yet-unknown and quite possibly non-existent L&MDJers! As many* of you know, James K. Polk is one of the most underrated U.S. Presidents EVER. As an avid fan of his, I would love to extol his many (ok, more like 3) major accomplishments, but, lucky for you, he has already done it for me!

*re: none


Dear America,

It saddens me to say that many of you may not recognize me if I were to pass you on the street. Some of you, surely, don't even know that I was once President of this great land. Well, for those of you unfamiliar with my work, let me assure you of one thing: I. KICK. ASS. For further proof of this please see the picture that I had commissioned back in the day.


(Ok, to be totally honest I photo shopped in that "110% Awesome" part, but that doesn't make it any less true!)
k
Let me break it down for you nice and simple. When I decided to run for office I wanted to accomplish three things: 1) Implement an independent treasury, 2) Annex California, 3) Take back the Oregon Territory. Well guess what? That's exactly what I did. I made the Brits my bitch up north, and I kicked Santa Ana's ass into exile down south. Santa Ana! He's a folk hero! It was like beating Paul Bunyan...kinda. The point is, manifest destiny would have been just a cute little jingoistic idea if I had not made it a reality.
k
Alas, when people think of great U.S. Presidents, they conjure images of Washington, Lincoln, JFK (if they're Irish), FDR (if they like cripples), or even Woodrow Wilson (if they're retarded). But none of those men accomplished SO MUCH in their first term that they didn't even run for a second term. Yeah, you read that right, I killed it so hardcore in my first term I decided I didn't even need to run again.
k
So, when you're sipping on your latte at that Starbucks in Seattle, or shopping on Rodeo Drive, or having endless gay sex as EVERYONE in San Fransico tends to do, remember it was I, James K. Polk, who gave this land to you!
k
Also, the rock band They Might Be Giants wrote a song about me. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Woodrow Wilson (who, by the way, was WAY more of a racist than I ever was. And I owned slaves!).
k
Peace out Bitches!
k
James K. Polk
Napoleon of the Stump