Great Moments in Idol History: Hold My Weggy Weggy Lishes

It's that time again, friends! Idol time! And while this season of American Idol won't kick off until exactly one month from today, we thought we'd take these precious days leading up to the premiere to review what are, in our authoritative judgment, some of the greatest moments in Idol history.

Today's highlight...

Let me take you back to season 5, top 12 week. Melissa McGhee has just narrowly beaten Ayla Brown, the far more likeable (and taller! Remember Ayla? She was so tall!) contestant, to the Top 12. Stevie Wonder himself is mentoring, and Melissa has opted to sing Stevie's 1980 masterpiece, "Lately." Immediately, in rehearsal, she sings the wrong lyrics... while looking at the sheet music. Prompting Stevie Wonder himself to ask, "what's wrong witchoo, girl?" without even pretending to be joking. Touché, Stevie.

When performance time comes around, Melissa takes the stage, wearing a dress "for the first time on stage ever," and also for the first time ever, she doesn't suck. It's actually kind of good. Until around (1:35) in the clip below, when she doesn't just fuck up the lyrics. She fucks up the lyrics to the chorus of the song. Repeatedly. Because it is the chorus. Now, forgetting the lyrics happens on Idol all of the time, but usually the offender will do one of two things:

a) Sing lyrics from a different part of the song.
b) Freeze up and sing NOTHING.

What makes this song a Great Moment in Idol History is that Melissa instead chooses to:

c) Sing unintelligible nonsense syllables.

And she does it repeatedly, every time she hits the chorus. What comes out is something along the lines of...

Well, I have many, many wishes
Hold my weggy, weggy lishes...

The second time it kind of sounds like "hope my record is delicious," which is, to her credit, a collection of real words.

Melissa McGhee's Wikipedia entry tells me that post-Idol, "[s]he has sung at various festivals such as Weeki Wachee and the Pet Rock Festival. McGhee also went on tour with Ruben Studdard from October 3rd to 7th."

I have never been to Weeki Wachee, but I like to imagine it as a special ceremony of ridicule and torment for girls who have made Stevie Wonder die a little on the inside.

America's Next Top Model: The Illusionist

In interest of full disclosure I must admit I have recently become a complete and unabashed mega-fan of America's Next Top Model. It all started early one saturday afternoon: I happened to flip on vh1 and what to my wondering eyes did appear but an insane Tyra Banks and eight tiny...ummmm I can't think of anything to rhyme with "appear" but let's just say it was the season when THIS happened, and you would have watched that entire cycle in one sitting as well.

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Anyway, if this blog had existed when cycle 9 began I definitely would have kept a running commentary, and plan to do so for cycles 10 through 5,673, but jumping in mid-season seemed wrong.

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The reason I'm breaking my self-imposed silence is because one contestant has captivated me in a way unmatched by all past modelettes. Her name is Jenah and she looks like this:

Now, there have most definitely been, as Tyra would say, "uniquely beautiful" contestants like this in the past, but with each passing moment Jenah takes her fug to new heights. Granted it's not all her fault as three episodes into the season Tyra glued that dead albino muskrat to her head, but never, my friends, has any model seemed so destined to win an entirely different competition: "America's Next Top Shelley Duval."

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The real reason I'm writing this post, however, is that when Jenah takes pictures, she somehow, miraculously, look like this:

WHAT?! And that's like, the worst picture she's taken this season. She has become the Harry Houdini of ANTM. Just when you're certain she couldn't possibly escape those chains (of her own ugliness), she does!

To be totally honest I'm rooting for exactly two things right now: 1) somehow she continues to get uglier in real-life (and I mean like cystic acne, missing limbs, Grendel's-mom kinda ugly), and 2) her pictures look awesome anyway. Truly, this is the only way to save this cycle now that AutisticHeather is gone and the front runner is Toodie from the Facts of Life.

ps - that last sentence actually makes sense if you watch the show. yeah, ANTM is that awesome.

Letters From Dead Presidents: Part 2

In this on-going segment, past U.S. Presidents write letters to present-day Americans.

Today's letter comes from Grover Cleveland, our 22nd and 24th President. I initially asked him to do a telephone briefing, but he vetoed that option and instead sent us this letter.

Dear America,

Kindly, go fuck yourselves. No, I'm serious. You didn't appreciate me when I was office, you didn't appreciate me when I was back in office, and you sure as hell don't appreciate me now. Oh sure, you know my name. Maybe you remember me as the guy who married the 21-year-old barely legal hottie Frances Cornelia Folsom while I was president, or the guy who had clandestine surgery for a malignant tumor on my hard palate and ended up with a hideously deformed mouth as a result. You may remember my face being briefly featured on the one-thousand dollar bill, until the bill was discontinued as a result of your steadfast refusal to stop being a bunch of stupid assholes, America.

Do you have any idea what I did for this country? Do you have any idea what ridiculous legislation might have passed if I'd not had the presence of mind to veto the shit out of it, or at least oppose it staunchly? Let me count the atrocities!

1. Hawaii. If I had not vetoed the idea, Hawaii would have become a state. Imagine that! Muumuus would be acceptable attire for the home and workplace.We'd all be wearing leis and roasting pigs day in and day out. We'd have ports that were dangerously accessible by the Japanese if they were to, say, attack us somehow. Thank God I vetoed that.


2. Women's suffrage. Need I expand further on the patent ludicrousness of this preposterous suggestion? It was bad enough when we had to extend the right to vote to poor people and fatties. Women have a place in this society, and that place is not the voting booth. Why, there's not even enough room in there to embroider psalms on a sampler!


3. Unions. You may recall my heroic act as immortalized in the 1992 film Newsies, where I famously intervened in the Pullman Strike.

You're welcome, America.

I served two non-consecutive terms in the White House, which would have been three consecutive terms, had a loophole in the electoral process not cost me the 1888 election to Benjamin Harrison. You see, I clearly won the popular vote that year - however, Republican legacy candidate Benjamin Harrison overtook me in the electoral college, in a result that stank of ballot fraud. Good thing nothing like that ever happened again!

You're all a bunch of douchebags,

President Grover Cleveland
Not Bitter Or Anything

Well played, Hot Sundae.

Many moons ago, while watching Saved By The Bell, I witnessed what, at the time, I assumed was the greatest music video ever made. "Break a Sweat (Go for It)", by Hot Sundae, was never played on MTV (don't worry the company got a very angry letter courtesy of an 11-year-old me) but it still held a special place in my heart.

Years later I was watching SBTB again, this time ironically, and was excited when I realized it was the Hot Sundae episode (note: I realize everyone else remembers this as the episode where Jessie gets addicted to caffeine pills and flips her shit on Zack).

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Now I have to say I was worried because the SBTB moments I remember, like "the Sprain" or the episode where they have to get faux-married and Lisa gets paired with Screech and then hilariously pretends she can't speak English ("Lisa no en casa"), never quite live up to my memories. This is partly my fault as I always built up those moments to be more over-the-top than they actually were. I wasn't even satisfied when Jessie freaked out over her drug addiction because somehow, in my mind, I had built up that moment to the point where anything less than the girl actually eviscerating Zack Morris and setting her house on fire, after proclaiming how scared she was, equalled a disappointment.

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But rest assured, my friends, when I tell you that the Hot Sundae music video was actually better/worse than I could have ever wished.

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Before you watch the video, which I obvs linked below, please take a second and try to imagine how cliche, and 80's-tastic it could possibly be. Now prepare to be wowed when it actually exceeds your expectations! Multiple spandex bikini/bikeshort outfits with belts that hold up nothing? Check. Exercise infused choreography on mini-trampolines? Check. An ending where (I shit you not) they jump off the trampolines and freeze triumphantly in mid-air? CHECK.

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ENJOY!

Welcome to the OC, Blair.

As I seem to be one of the only three people in the universe watching it, people often ask me about my impressions of Gossip Girl, especially as compared to its older, tanner, west coast cousin The O.C.

Considering their similarities - both executively produced by Josh Schwartz, both chronicling the daily dramas of overprivileged high school students and their parents, as set to an only-slightly-indie soundtrack - I thought I'd delve a little deeper into the differences between the two. The contrasts and subtle distinctions that will determine once and for all which one of these shows is the greater masterpiece...

ROUND 1: The Logo
The O.C.	Gossip Girl
A tidy sans serif logo in orange and blue.	What's this? A tidy sans serif logo in orange and blue? Schwartz, you crazy!

Winner: Obvs, it's a tie here. We're going to have to dig a little deeper to settle this...

ROUND 2: The Theme Song
The O.C.	Gossip Girl
"California," by Phantom Planet, which is an awesome song, and which got no less awesome after it became the theme song for the show.	A cacophany of clanking and beeping, capped off by Gossip Girl's reverbed voice signing off, "You know you love me. XOXO, Gossip Girl." I can't believe this is the best they could do.

Winner: The O.C. - Gossip Girl, please see me after class.

ROUND 3: The Setting
The O.C.	Gossip Girl
Newport Beach, CA. Sun shines, waves crash, Ryan lives in a poolhouse.	New York, NY. Takes place mainly on the Upper East Side, and whatever nook of Brooklyn the Humphreys supposedly live in.

Winner: Sorry, Gossip Girl. Maybe it's just because I've lived on the east coast for the last 20 years, but compared to the rich, summery hues of Newport Beach, your scenery is bo-ring. This one goes to The O.C.

ROUND 4: The Waif Next Door
The O.C.	Gossip Girl
Marissa Cooper. Ingenue. Tragic heroine. One-time lesbian, suicide attempter, pool furniture abuser, owner of bangs.	Nate Archibald. Pretty boy. Tragic hero. Family pawn, father incriminator, cheater, moper - also, curiously, an owner of bangs.

Winner: Gossip Girl. I cannot think of a more detested character in the history of television than Marissa Cooper. Plus, Nate's bangs are better. And he hasn't, as of this writing, shot anyone and subsequently gotten kicked out of school and fallen in love with a surfer with no personality who then jumps off a cliff. I mean, of course he hasn't. That would be a ridiculous storyline.

ROUND 5: The Dad Who's Cooler Than His Kids
The O.C.	Gossip Girl
The man, the myth, Sandy Cohen. Used to be a public defender, now defends the honor of his loved ones with the power of his eyebrows alone. And he surfs!	Rufus Humphrey. Has a name so stupid I can't believe I just typed it. Used to be in a band. Is way too young to have kids in high school. Refers to mashed potatoes as "the mashed." Yikes, Rufus.

Winner: The O.C. Listen, Rufus. It's just not happening for me. Trying to compare you to Sandy Cohen is like trying to compare former New Hampshire state representative Dick Swett to Franklin Delano Roosevelt. You're just outclassed... and Sandy doesn't even have polio!

ROUND 6: The Seth Cohen
The O.C.	Gossip Girl
Seth Cohen.	Dan Humphrey - he's like Seth Cohen, but wearing a scarf.

Winner: Actually, Gossip Girl. Don't get me wrong, they're the same character - neurotic, pretentious, out of place among their peers yet somehow assuredly superior, and quirky while still being as generic as possible - but I'm giving this to Dan, because he hasn't has as many opportunities to annoy me. Remember the episode of The O.C. where Seth pulls an all-nighter the night before he has to pitch his comic book, and then he FREAKS OUT during the meeting, and it's neither cute nor disarming, just unfathomably irritating? Yeah, we stopped being friends that day.

ROUND 7: The Urban Cougar
The O.C.	Gossip Girl
Julie Cooper. Married four times in four seasons of the show. Lived in a trailer. Loved Bob Seger. Once slept with her daughter's boyfriend.	Lily van der Woodsen. Entangled with two men, both currently married. Lives in a hotel. Loved Rufus' stupid band he used to be in. Once slept with her daughter's boyfriend's dad, which is somehow grosser.

Winner: The O.C. As if there's any contest. You can't out-Julie-Cooper Julie Cooper. Lily van der Woodsen is pretty great, but she's going to need to be involved in a few more murder plots if she hopes to ever catch up with the original Urban Cougar.

ROUND 8: The Ex-Girlfriend As Plot Contrivance
The O.C.	Gossip Girl
Ryan's childhood friend and first love, Teresa, comes to town and lives in a motel for a while, then becomes pregnant with Ryan's baby, ruining the entire show and sending Marissa on a dark spiral to her eventual death.	Dan's childhood friend and first love, Vanessa, comes to town and invites herself everywhere, whines a lot about how Serena is prettier than she is, and almost prevents Dan from losing his virginity. Oh, and she's "alternative," too.

Winner: I have to give this one to Gossip Girl, for sheer believability. Although this is admittedly a battle for best loser, Vanessa at least hasn't caused Dan to, you know, spend half a season living in Chino and working at construction site.

ROUND 9: General Believability of Entire Show Concept
The O.C.	Gossip Girl
Get this: a lawyer feels really bad for this kid, his client, who stole a car, and so he brings the kid home to his family that very day and raises him like a son.	Get this: an entire high school lives and breathes by the word of an anonymous blogger named Gossip Girl, who is more influential than God. Based on a series of books by the same name.

Winner: Between the two, The O.C. is less fundamentally ludicrous. That is kind of sad.

Overall score... OC 5, GG 3. A close match! Of course, there's still time to close the gap... who knows what might be lurking around the corner for Gossip Girl? Overdoses! Inter-generational affairs! Secret lovechildren! Fraud! Blackmail! Imogen Heap!

Just please, stop the cruelty to pool furniture. It's not funny and it silences the voices of the millions of pool chairs who have actually been thrown into pools.

You know you love me. XOXO.

Letters From Dead Presidents

In this on-going segment past U.S. Presidents write letters to present-day Americans.

Hello, as-yet-unknown and quite possibly non-existent L&MDJers! As many* of you know, James K. Polk is one of the most underrated U.S. Presidents EVER. As an avid fan of his, I would love to extol his many (ok, more like 3) major accomplishments, but, lucky for you, he has already done it for me!

*re: none


Dear America,

It saddens me to say that many of you may not recognize me if I were to pass you on the street. Some of you, surely, don't even know that I was once President of this great land. Well, for those of you unfamiliar with my work, let me assure you of one thing: I. KICK. ASS. For further proof of this please see the picture that I had commissioned back in the day.


(Ok, to be totally honest I photo shopped in that "110% Awesome" part, but that doesn't make it any less true!)
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Let me break it down for you nice and simple. When I decided to run for office I wanted to accomplish three things: 1) Implement an independent treasury, 2) Annex California, 3) Take back the Oregon Territory. Well guess what? That's exactly what I did. I made the Brits my bitch up north, and I kicked Santa Ana's ass into exile down south. Santa Ana! He's a folk hero! It was like beating Paul Bunyan...kinda. The point is, manifest destiny would have been just a cute little jingoistic idea if I had not made it a reality.
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Alas, when people think of great U.S. Presidents, they conjure images of Washington, Lincoln, JFK (if they're Irish), FDR (if they like cripples), or even Woodrow Wilson (if they're retarded). But none of those men accomplished SO MUCH in their first term that they didn't even run for a second term. Yeah, you read that right, I killed it so hardcore in my first term I decided I didn't even need to run again.
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So, when you're sipping on your latte at that Starbucks in Seattle, or shopping on Rodeo Drive, or having endless gay sex as EVERYONE in San Fransico tends to do, remember it was I, James K. Polk, who gave this land to you!
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Also, the rock band They Might Be Giants wrote a song about me. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Woodrow Wilson (who, by the way, was WAY more of a racist than I ever was. And I owned slaves!).
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Peace out Bitches!
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James K. Polk
Napoleon of the Stump

Things I'm Embarrassed I Still Think About: Part 1

Ok, so I promise this blog will not be solely dedicated to Miss Steph Tanner...BUT, did anyone else notice how, despite NEVER being the best dancer in her routines, Stephanie always, somehow, found her way to the front of the group. This drove me insane when i was little (and sadly still does today).

I know, I know, the show wasn't "real". I'm acting like "a crazy person". The "fact that I was thinking about proper dance formations at the age of 9 is quite possibly the gayest thing ever". But c'mon! Look at this video and tell me the girl directly to the right of Miss T wasn't superior. I smell a conspiracy.

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PS - Please don't think this diminishes my love for, by far, the greatest of all Tanner sisters. You can expect a passionate post regarding Stephanie's superiority in the future.

I'm My Friend Karen!

If you're like me, you've spent many a day in spirited debate with your loved ones over what, if anything, is the best episode of any television show ever. And if you know a thing or two about best episodes, you know that the answer is easily "A Pox in Our House," the episode of Full House where Stephanie Tanner gets the chicken pox and tries to sneak out of the Tanner family quarantine because her dance class is being visited by a "real ballerina" that day.

I've posted the best scene from this best episode below - it's the part where Stephanie, wearing a full disguise, makes a break for it and is eventually caught by Uncle Jesse.

Why is this the best episode of any television show ever? Take your pick... could it be:

• The sheer fact that Stephanie Tanner owns a Stephanie Tanner-sized trenchcoat for the occasions upon which she may need to traipse in cognito through her own home?
• The classic comic styling with which she pigeon-bobs her head while tiptoeing through the kitchen in said trenchcoat?
• The moment where Dannys voice has clearly been overdubbed to cover an accidental silence in the final cut ("Gotta find a babysitter")?
• Stephanie Tanner's brilliant delivery of "I'm my friend Karen!" to explain her trenchcoated presence at the door?
• The not quite identifiable dialect she takes on in intoning "Chiiicken pox? I bettah get out of heah!"?
• The dramatic tossing aside of her hat and glasses while exclaiming "I can't take it anymore! It's me! It's me! ...Stephanie!"?
• The fact that, by the way, Uncle Jesse's last name used to be Cochrane? What happened to that?

No matter what your reasoning on the way there, the conclusion is undeniable - this was the best episode of any television show ever. With the possible exception of that episode of Super Sloppy Double Dare where the girl had to catch as many burritos as possible in the rim of her 4' wide sombrero, while her teammate fired them out of a trebuchet. But come on. We can't all be Olympians.