Idol Countdown: #9-7

There have been lots of Idol contestants throughout the years who have, how shall we say this delicately, been pimped to the high heavens by the judges even though they suck balls. This practice really kicked into high gear in recent season when people like David Archuletta were told they were "molten hott lava bombs" even though they had clearly forgotten the words and sang their last note flat.

But there is one person who I feel gets a bad rap. And She occupies the #9 Spot on my countdown:

#9: Jordin Sparks - A Broken Wing



So right away I know you're thinking: if I'm gonna put Jordin Sparks in this countdown I should go with "I Who Have Nothing." I agree, she did well with that song, but I think that one gets more credit than it deserves because it was her first great performance. This song came afterwards, and it was better, but people were just a little more prepared to see it.

But getting back to contestant-pimping, there was a point during this season where it became so clear that the producers wanted Jordin to win that we actually started calling the practice of pimping contestants: Sparksing. However I think, in retrospect, this was unfair to Jordin. She was a fine contestant. Actually other than Melinda she was probably the best that season.

What I'm saying is this: Was Jordin told she was awesome every week even if she wasn't? Yes. Were the judges particularly effusive with their comments? Well, Paula did tell Jordin she was, and I can't make this up, a "gift from heaven". So, yes. Did the producers give her the best clothes and only shoot her in the most flattering way possible? You betcha. But that doesn't take away from the fact that Jordin sang this song REALLY well.

#8: Diana Degarmo - Don't Cry Out Loud



In the history of Idol glory notes, the one Diana rips into around the 1:40 mark, that lasts until the 1:55 mark (15 seconds!), is the single greatest ever. It literally sounds like it will never end. And she doesn't even appear to be out of breath. You have the feeling she could sing that note for a good 2 minutes if she had to.

Also, Diana was kind of like the original Jordin Sparks, except she was a better singer. She was 16, cute, completely innocuous, and had a nice pop voice. Her only problem was she was in the same season as Fantasia and Jennifer Hudson so she was a little overshadowed. Put Diana on season 6 of Idol, instead of Jordin, she could have won. Also, RED PALAZZO PANTS. 'Nuff said.


#7: Katharine McPhee - Over The Rainbow



We might look back on Season 5 of American Idol and realize it was the best ever. It probably had more talent than any other season, along with a wonderful mix of people like Kellie Pickler and Bucky Covington for comedic relief. And out of all the season 5 performances this is my favorite...by a female (we'll get to the other one later).

Kat could be really infuriating at times, with her pension for over-singing and poor song choices. But on this night Simon picked the song, and pretty much demanded she sing it simply, and beautifully. I really don't know what else to say about this song...there's nothing to make fun of. It's just kind of a perfect little piece of singing, and that deserves recognition. OH! Also, as an official friend of Dorothy, I would like Kat to know she has done us proud.



So next week the countdown will feature it's first, but not last, dude. Also, we'll take another journey back to Season 1, where the gypsy-chic motif continues to dominate. See you then!

Countdown: My Top 10 Idol Peformances Ever!

We're back!

So, L&MDJers, it's been a while. Liz and I took an extended break from blogging about Idol (as Idol took an extended break from existing), and from blogging in general. "Why?", you ask. Well, life happens. Some of us are busy with jobs, thriving improv careers, and exciting new relationships, while others are busy getting drunk every night at sing-a-long piano bars that cater to elder gay men by exclusively playing musical standards like "Edelweiss". Ahhh, life.

Anywho, in honor of the upcoming 8th, yes 8th, season of AI, I've decided to countdown my 10 favorite Idol performances ever. But before we get to my #10 pick, there are some rules to go over.

1) These are MY favorite Idol performances. So there will be moments that aren't on this list because, although I realize they are great, they are not MY favorites.

2) This is only a top 10 list. I could probably list my 30 favorite performances, and this particular post will contain my honorable mentions, but that seems a little much.

3) Where the contestant placed, and where their careers have gone since, in no way factors into my decision. For example, Carrie Underwood doesn't get a spot on my list because, although she's sold 5 billion country albums, she was basically a lobotomized fembot the entire time she was on AI. Seriously, if anyone has a clip of her moving her facial muscles, or NOT swaying awkwardly during fast songs, I would love to see it.

So before I reveal my #10 pick, here are my honorable mentions, and my "yeah I know others think these are awesome but I'm just not as into them":

Some Honorable Mentions - Justin Guarini "Get Here"; Kelly Clarkson "Respect"; Kimberly Locke "Over The Rainbow", "New York State of Mind", and "Inseperable"; Ruben Studdard "Superstar"; LaToya London "All By Myself", "Somewhere"; Jennifer Hudson "Circle of Life"; Paris Bennet "These Foolish Things"; Melinda Doolittle "Home"; Lakisha Jones "This Ain't a Love Song"; Brooke White "Love is a Battlefield"; Jason Castro "Over the Rainbow"

Other People's Faves - Kelly Clarkson "Stuff Like That There"; Clay Aiken "Solitaire"; Carrie Underwood "Alone"; Bo Bice "In a Dream"; Chris Daughtry "Hemorrhage"; Anything Taylor Hicks ever did; Blake Lewis "You Give Love a Bad Name"; Any David Cook song; David Archuletta "Imagine"; Jason Castro "Hallelujah"

OK, so hopefully that will appease those who don't see their favorites on my completely scientific and indisputable list of Idol perfection.

#10: Kelly Clarkson - "Don't Play That Song"







Ok, so after all my rules and standards my first entry is kind of a cop-out. I love Kelly Clarkson. And throughout her run on Idol she had a lot of good performances, but never one defining moment. It's funny because, since Kelly, every Idol winner has that one song everyone remembers them performing.

But anyway, I think out of all Kelly's good performances, this one is her best. She kills all the high notes with infuriating (if you're a singer) ease. She growls and mugs in all the right places. She wears some kind of asymmetrical gypsy/hooker outfit. It's perfect. I am convinced that Kelly would have finished in the top 3, if not outright won, every other idol season. She might have been the first, but she's also one of the best.

Also, Since U Been Gone, seriously, it's life-changing.

So stay tuned next week when we countdown #9-7. I can't promise punch and pie, but I can promise 14-second-long glory notes and palazzo pants. And, really, if you're reading this, that probably feeds the true hunger...in your soul.

Blogging SYTYCD

The Jamboree would like to thank Ted at Blogging SYTYCD for linking to us in this week's round-up of SYTYCD news. Check that blog for more thorough discussion of the best show in the world than we could ever hope to achieve. Thanks, Ted!

SYTYCD: Four Unintentionally Hilarious Dances

So, I was thinking I'd celebrate the return of the best show in the world by providing a few video clips of what are, in my esteem, some of the best and worst dances in all three seasons of the show. Then I scrapped that idea because frankly, there are too many "best" dances, and even the "worst" dances are still good... especially to someone like me, whose dancing best resembles the Hamburgular trying to make a break for it.

What SYTYCD has in spades, however, are routines that are not necessarily bad but are unintentionally laugh out loud funny. Intentionally funny routines do not qualify for this distinction, so Tranji didn't make the cut. Here are my Top Four Unintentionally Hilarious Dances:

4. "Push It," Sara and Danny, Season 3
This routine got totally panned on the show. It wasn't actually bad, but the costuming was pretty cruel. Unintentionally funny because Danny was one of the most stoic, serious performers in that collection of finalists, and watching him do this choreography in this outfit was the same kind of funny you get when you dress a cat in doll clothes. Not that I love doing that.

3. "The Scream Heard 'Round the World," Dmitry, Season 2
This solo was Dmitry's last-ditch effort not to get voted off the show after he had assisted in the elimination of something like four consecutive partners. When this originally aired, Mike and I watched it with our three roommates, and like magic, all five of us let out an exactly pitch-matched squeal at the end. The funniest thing to me in retrospect is that Dmitry rips off his shirt after the music has already ended. Like, "Oh... and THIS!" I love him so much.

2. "Late Night in the J.C. Penney Stockroom," Pasha, Season 3
Okay, so Pasha is a Latin specialist. He usually dances with a partner. I think the intended effect here was "I'll dance with a mannequin so my solo resembles a partner dance." Now, imagine how that would come off in reality: that is exactly how it goes. The whole thing is balls-out ridiculous. Then he does an impromptu roundoff at the end... for no reason.

1. "Flashdance," Ashlee and Ben, Season 2
It's the very first performance show of Season 2, and the most awkward looking couple on the show draws "80s Disco" as their genre. Is that even a genre? And the music is "Flashdance." And it's choreographed by Doriana Sanchez, and accordingly features some of the most copious cunniliftus ever seen. This routine was just so, so mean. Introducing it, even Cat knows we're about to witness an absolute travesty. This is probably one of my favorite routines in all three seasons of the show, because the two of them are such damn good sports about something so pointedy intended to wreak misery on everyone involved. And isn't that what dancing is all about?

Apocalypse Now: The Real World comes to Brooklyn

Oh Christ. So the rumor is MTV's classic (re: wicked old) reality TV series is coming to...Brooklyn. If the rumors are true it's coming to my home turf of Williamsburg, Brooklyn to be exact. Now, at the rate my current neighb is gentrifying I guess I can't say I'm totally surprised that MTV would leach onto it's aura of urban hipster glam. But seriously? The Real World? I think we have a new definition of when an up-and-coming area jumps the shark. The previous definition was: The CW's 'Gossip Girl' uses your neighborhood as it's location for the family "from the wrong side of the tracks."

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Anyway, I hope the updated sign above makes the 20-something wannabe singers and actors (and maybe prostitutes? have we moved onto them yet?) feel right at home! Welcome to the neighborhood!

SYTYCD!!!!!!!!!!

I don't know if i'll be able to blog about this show, as I am completely obsessed with it in a totally non-ironic way (mabes I'll just write about my love for Cat Deeley...). Anyway, this post is merely here to celebrate its glorious return to TV last night.

HUZZAH!!!!

Idol Finale: I'd rather live in David Cook's world than live without him in mine.

I want to apologize first of all for not blogging about last night's show, especially to Erin, who tells me she checks the Jamboree every single day to see if I've said something hilarious. I didn't blog about last night's show, and there were two reasons for that:

1. I was still really torn up about the House finale.
2. I really thought Cook was about to lose American Idol to a kid wearing a "graphic tee."

Apparently the universe holds no grudges against me for this, because it went on to deliver the best Idol finale in the history of time, ever. I will now enumerate the happenings.

I'm psyched going in because I know it's going to be a full sixteen minutes before the judges are allowed to utter a single word, and I know this is for the best because Randy is dressed like Colonel Sanders. Ryan introduces Cook, who is wearing a white suit, and Archuleta, who is wearing a white t-shirt. Archuleta, what is wrong with you that you couldn't at least wear something with a collar on an occasion this momentous? Forget it, that's clearly the least of your problems.

Footage from Kansas City, Missouri, anchored by Mikalah Gordon (click on that link if you hate yourself) is followed by footage from Salt Lake City, anchored by Matt Rogers. Who the hell is Matt Rogers? If you have TiVo, go back and check out the girls behind Rogers in this shot, because they are TERRIFYING.

The top 12 wear matching white outfits and sing together, with the SYTYCD kids from last season dancing. If you know me, you know that this is a combination of two of my favorite things in the world (matching outfits and So You Think You Can Dance), and we're only five minutes into the show, people! Cook and Archuleta duet on "Hero," and they actually both sound great.

Then Mike Myers comes along and ruins everything. He's in some movie about a guru, and there are midgets in the movie. Cook and Archuleta are captured on film laughing at this movie and I start to like them both a little bit less. Oh well, at least it's not as cruel as last season when they brought the finalists out to see Shrek the Third with absolutely no sensitivity to the fact that Melinda Doolittle looks like Shrek. Myers shows up live on stage, does some stupid stuff, then Seacrest almost falls off the stage while riding a Roomba. These are all things that happen.

Syesha sings a duet with Seal!

They bring Jason out to sing "Hallelujah," and I literally fast-forward through it. Not that I thought that song was the worst performance of this whole season, but it's certainly the one I harbor the most personal vitriol toward, so I'm fast-forwarding it. I'm going to go ahead and take a leap of faith in assuming Jason hasn't learned how to sing since two weeks ago, and besides, I'm really enjoying this show so far (Mike Myers notwithstanding).

Ooh, a Ford music video! It's a montage of all of the heartwarming moments the top 12 have had... filming Ford music videos. It's a commercial memorializing the creation of other commercials. I like that. It makes me want to knit a picture of a sweater.

The top 6 ladies come out to sing a Donna Summer medley. Amanda Overmyer looks like she is in excruciating psychic pain at this moment, and just as she sings a lyrics that goes (paraphrasing), "Boww fow mow ma numbow maaaby," the Davids appear, escorting Donna Summer herself! She's got a diamond-encrusted microphone. I love her. She sings a song about stamping your feet. Ryan Seacrest joins a group of breakdancers. Paula's dress matches the top 6 girls'. Everyone's singing and stamping their feet. THIS IS SO AWESOME.

Carly and Michael Johns sing "The Letter," and it's fantastic. Then Jimmy Kimmel says a bunch of unfunny things, except when he refers to Simon's parents as "Rosemary and Satan Cowell," which I think is kind of funny not because of Rosemary and Satan but because I think it's funny that Simon has parents and a mum who probably bought him his first heather gray v-neck t-shirt.

The top 6 guys sing "Summer of '69," and boy is it gay. I can't explain why, it just is. It's like, when you have a row of six dudes singing together, there's only a certain category of topics you can have them sing about without it being totally gay, and "wistful nostalgia about my carefree youth" isn't one of them. You know what else isn't one of them? "Someone who is all that one wants when one is lying here in their arms." Which is exactly what the Davids duet on next. Umm, neat? I'm glad you both are finding it hard to believe you're in heaven, I guess? Then Bryan Adams comes out and David Cook is majorly cuddling him for most of the next song. Like, the shot keeps closing in on Bryan Adams and you can see this aggressive man hand planted firmly around his shoulder, then they zoom out and it's Cook. I once heard stories about how Ryan Adams used to get so pissed when people would mistake him for Bryan Adams, but I bet Ryan Adams is eating his words now that Bryan Adams is getting so assertively cuddled by David Cook. Take that, Ryan Adams! Bryan Adams is getting some major David Cook hand-on-shoulder action and all you've got is your stupid cover of "Wonderwall"!

David Cook sings with ZZ Top. Paula loves her some ZZ Top. I'm picturing the boardroom discussion that went into this duet.

"Okay, who can we stand David Cook next to that will establish beyond a shadow
of a doubt that he is the most attractive person in the world, rather than just
a borderline fuggo with a pasty complexion, beer gut, and all too recent
bleached combover?"
"Uh... ZZ Top?"
"Done. Call ZZ. He's in my fave five."

By the by, I hope there was a similar panel discussion about Archie that concluded with the decision to make him look hip and edgy by singing "The House at Pooh Corner" with Kenny Loggins.

Brooke sings "Teach Your Children" with Graham Nash. Where was all this awesome shit all season long?! I would pay money to see Brooke sing with Graham Nash! He kisses her hand at the end. Did I say best finale ever? Because: best finale ever.

Then a band plays that is kind of like a brunette version of Hanson in tighter pants. Ohh, they are the Jonas Brothers. For some reason I always thought "Jonas Brothers" was just one guy and that was his name. Kind of the opposite of how I thought "Carey Brothers" was a sibling duo, and not a guy's name. Speaking of brothers...

There is an audition montage. I'm totally uninterested unless they're going to show us the "We're Brothers Forever" guy. And they do. And he comes out on stage and sings with a marching band and some cheerleaders. I love this 98%, and the other 2% is me feeling so sad for whomever within the great Idol machine was charged with the task of scoring and notating "We're Brothers Forever" for a marching band. What a sad and sorry thing to have on one's resume.

One Republic comes out and sings "Apologize" with David Archuleta. It's Archuleta's best peformance ever. Seriously, it's so good that I stop despising him for the first time in fourteen weeks. He sounds great. He even sounds believable. Thank God he hasn't been performing like this all along.

Jordin Sparks. Still carries herself like a human incarnation of a grizzly bear. She sings a song about taking one step at a time and does some not at all embarrassing acting out of the lyrics. Gah. The only redeeming part of this performance is the shot of Blake Lewis singing along from the audience at the end of the song. He totally owns Jordin's album. He probably has that song as his ringback tone.

A video of Gladys Knight sings with Jack Black as a Pip, etc... it's no hologram Elvis, that's for sure. It's all kind of unnecessary.

Carrie Underwood performs some disgustingly country-music-affected country song while wearing the world's shortest jacket-dress. So there's that.

Then my favorite thing ever on Idol happens. If you guessed "George Michael medley," you win! They sing "Faith." Check. They sing "Father Figure," and David Hernandez gets the lyric about being "bold and naked" - nicely played, Idol. Then they all sing "Freedom," which is a) the best song in the whole wide world, and b) the last song Mike and I sang together at karaoke many months ago. Then George Michael comes out wearing sunglasses indoors and sings this insanely George Michael song about love and hate and your parents and fear and tiny shorts... it goes on forever, and honestly, if anything in this season of this show should be allowed to go on forever, it's George Michael singing this song in front of a backdrop of a glowing sunset. The only alternative I would possibly accept would be Elton John singing an eight minute long rendition of "The One." Which is what I am banking on next year.

Then Seacrest says some stuff and confetti rains down on David Cook's big stupid baby head. Finally.