Letters From Dead Presidents: Part 2

In this on-going segment, past U.S. Presidents write letters to present-day Americans.

Today's letter comes from Grover Cleveland, our 22nd and 24th President. I initially asked him to do a telephone briefing, but he vetoed that option and instead sent us this letter.

Dear America,

Kindly, go fuck yourselves. No, I'm serious. You didn't appreciate me when I was office, you didn't appreciate me when I was back in office, and you sure as hell don't appreciate me now. Oh sure, you know my name. Maybe you remember me as the guy who married the 21-year-old barely legal hottie Frances Cornelia Folsom while I was president, or the guy who had clandestine surgery for a malignant tumor on my hard palate and ended up with a hideously deformed mouth as a result. You may remember my face being briefly featured on the one-thousand dollar bill, until the bill was discontinued as a result of your steadfast refusal to stop being a bunch of stupid assholes, America.

Do you have any idea what I did for this country? Do you have any idea what ridiculous legislation might have passed if I'd not had the presence of mind to veto the shit out of it, or at least oppose it staunchly? Let me count the atrocities!

1. Hawaii. If I had not vetoed the idea, Hawaii would have become a state. Imagine that! Muumuus would be acceptable attire for the home and workplace.We'd all be wearing leis and roasting pigs day in and day out. We'd have ports that were dangerously accessible by the Japanese if they were to, say, attack us somehow. Thank God I vetoed that.


2. Women's suffrage. Need I expand further on the patent ludicrousness of this preposterous suggestion? It was bad enough when we had to extend the right to vote to poor people and fatties. Women have a place in this society, and that place is not the voting booth. Why, there's not even enough room in there to embroider psalms on a sampler!


3. Unions. You may recall my heroic act as immortalized in the 1992 film Newsies, where I famously intervened in the Pullman Strike.

You're welcome, America.

I served two non-consecutive terms in the White House, which would have been three consecutive terms, had a loophole in the electoral process not cost me the 1888 election to Benjamin Harrison. You see, I clearly won the popular vote that year - however, Republican legacy candidate Benjamin Harrison overtook me in the electoral college, in a result that stank of ballot fraud. Good thing nothing like that ever happened again!

You're all a bunch of douchebags,

President Grover Cleveland
Not Bitter Or Anything

Letters From Dead Presidents

In this on-going segment past U.S. Presidents write letters to present-day Americans.

Hello, as-yet-unknown and quite possibly non-existent L&MDJers! As many* of you know, James K. Polk is one of the most underrated U.S. Presidents EVER. As an avid fan of his, I would love to extol his many (ok, more like 3) major accomplishments, but, lucky for you, he has already done it for me!

*re: none


Dear America,

It saddens me to say that many of you may not recognize me if I were to pass you on the street. Some of you, surely, don't even know that I was once President of this great land. Well, for those of you unfamiliar with my work, let me assure you of one thing: I. KICK. ASS. For further proof of this please see the picture that I had commissioned back in the day.


(Ok, to be totally honest I photo shopped in that "110% Awesome" part, but that doesn't make it any less true!)
k
Let me break it down for you nice and simple. When I decided to run for office I wanted to accomplish three things: 1) Implement an independent treasury, 2) Annex California, 3) Take back the Oregon Territory. Well guess what? That's exactly what I did. I made the Brits my bitch up north, and I kicked Santa Ana's ass into exile down south. Santa Ana! He's a folk hero! It was like beating Paul Bunyan...kinda. The point is, manifest destiny would have been just a cute little jingoistic idea if I had not made it a reality.
k
Alas, when people think of great U.S. Presidents, they conjure images of Washington, Lincoln, JFK (if they're Irish), FDR (if they like cripples), or even Woodrow Wilson (if they're retarded). But none of those men accomplished SO MUCH in their first term that they didn't even run for a second term. Yeah, you read that right, I killed it so hardcore in my first term I decided I didn't even need to run again.
k
So, when you're sipping on your latte at that Starbucks in Seattle, or shopping on Rodeo Drive, or having endless gay sex as EVERYONE in San Fransico tends to do, remember it was I, James K. Polk, who gave this land to you!
k
Also, the rock band They Might Be Giants wrote a song about me. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Woodrow Wilson (who, by the way, was WAY more of a racist than I ever was. And I owned slaves!).
k
Peace out Bitches!
k
James K. Polk
Napoleon of the Stump