The Liz & Mikey D Jamboree

Idol Countdown: #3-1

2009-02-18T18:04:00.003-05:00

Well, this is it! The three best performances in Idol history. This will be a pretty short post, as I will soon be blogging about my thoughts on the first live semi-final round of Season 8 (SPOILER ALERT! almost everyone sucked). So let's get to it!

#3: Clay Aiken - Bridge Over Troubled Water

Oh, The Gayken. I have to admit that I loved/HATED Clay throughout season 2. He was so saccharine, and cheesy, and obviously-closeted-homosexual-in-denialy; but that voice! This performance is great. Clay actually managed to rein in his gayface (kinda), and I don't think he sang a single note out of tune. On this night, I must admit, I LOVED/hated him.

#2: Jennifer Hudson - Weekend in New England

Fun fact: Jenifer Hudson is one of only four people to win an Oscar for acting, and a Grammy for singing. One of four people EVER in the history of those awards. Also, I am obsessed with her.

But let's talk about this performance. The only time I was ever awed during an idol performance comes at the 50 second mark of this song when Jennifer riffs the fiercest holleration that has ever graced the idol stage. This performance also features some sweet soulful notes at the beginning, a crazy-good glory note finish, and the fact that it makes you forget she singing freakin' Weekend in New England. Seriously, if you wanna know the talent it takes to make this song, soulful, powerful, and exciting, go listen to the Barry Manilow version. You'll see what I mean.

Yeah, having her at #2 might be a little biased on my part, although I hold that J-Hud is the single best singer EVER on this show. She's really this high on the countdown because I am obsessed with her, and because I'm still pissed that she actually got kicked off the show the night after this performance. I will never forgive you America. Never.

#1: Fantasia - Believe

Let's get one thing out of the way right up front. This song SUCKS. Really. Hard. That is why I think this, and not "Summertime", is Fantasia's best performance. She takes an awful song, and makes it an emotional gospel-ballad. Also, she's probably the most natural performer in the shows history. Nothing she does on stage looks forced, and she actually looks like she's feeling everything she sings. It's not an act. She might not be the most successful Idol ever, but she's probably the best contestant that show will ever have.

So there's my completely scientific and indisputable countdown of idol dominance. Here's to a great (or at least hilariously awful) new season!

Idol Countdown: #6-4

2009-01-04T00:30:00.002-05:00

So I've realized writing about the best Idol performances isn't nearly as fun as ripping on all the crappy people who they put into the top 24+ every year. But alas, I'm basically halfway through so this labor of love let's continue to the amazing end.

#6: Tamyra Gray - House Is Not A Home

We'll ignore Tamyra's choice of rocking an oh so popular Maternity-shirt-with-bell-sleeves look (as that was apparently all the rage at the turn of the millennium). This was, by far, the best idol performance of Season 1. Granted, that's kind of like being the world's tallest midget, or the least gay dude on Gossip Girl, or...the best performer on Season 1 of Idol. But whatever, Tamyra is great.

I also think Tamyra needs a spot here as she totally deserved to win season 1, sorry Kelly, but got jobbed in the first ever surprise elimination. That, coincidentally, was also the first time I uttered the phrase, "Way to go, AMERICA" (it was not, unfortunately, the last. Way to go, Bush administration). In conclusion, Tamyra was awesome and it's a shame a quick wikipedia search let's me know her most recent credits include the role of "singing guest #2" in Rachel Getting Married. LAME.

#5: Elliott Yamin - A Song For You

At last, a gentleman on my countdown! I have to say I am biased towards the ladies, as I once said to my friend Luar, "If a female singer is really really good, she can make your nipples hard". But I also think it has to do with the type of male singers they put on this show. There are very few guys who are just great singers. There are "rockers" whom I admit I don't enjoy as much as others (the reason Daughtry and Bo Bice aren't on this list). There are the gimmicky guys like Blake Lewis or Taylor Hicks. And from the batch of good guy singers, they tend not to have the big singing "moments" that the ladies have.

But Elliott is great. He's not a classic idol belter. He has a wonderful soul voice, one that I still find hard to believe when it comes from that body. Also, I really love this performance because I KNOW I could never sing it. His riffs, and his perfect-for-soul-music tone are just beyond what almost all people can do. He's terrific.

#4: Melinda Doolittle - My Funny Valentine

This is probably the single-best piece of technical singing that's ever been performed on idol. Every note is in tune, in a song that practically begs you to go flat. All of Melinda's runs are perfectly executed and never over-done. Her tone is perfect, even when she's hitting notes in the top of her range they never sound screechy. There is absolutely NOTHING to critique about this performance. God damn it, Melinda. Why did you have to look like Shrek?

So that's it for this part of the countdown. Next week we'll get to the top 3 idol performances ever!!1

Idol Countdown: #9-7

2008-12-21T13:31:00.002-05:00

There have been lots of Idol contestants throughout the years who have, how shall we say this delicately, been pimped to the high heavens by the judges even though they suck balls. This practice really kicked into high gear in recent season when people like David Archuletta were told they were "molten hott lava bombs" even though they had clearly forgotten the words and sang their last note flat.

But there is one person who I feel gets a bad rap. And She occupies the #9 Spot on my countdown:

#9: Jordin Sparks - A Broken Wing

So right away I know you're thinking: if I'm gonna put Jordin Sparks in this countdown I should go with "I Who Have Nothing." I agree, she did well with that song, but I think that one gets more credit than it deserves because it was her first great performance. This song came afterwards, and it was better, but people were just a little more prepared to see it.

But getting back to contestant-pimping, there was a point during this season where it became so clear that the producers wanted Jordin to win that we actually started calling the practice of pimping contestants: Sparksing. However I think, in retrospect, this was unfair to Jordin. She was a fine contestant. Actually other than Melinda she was probably the best that season.

What I'm saying is this: Was Jordin told she was awesome every week even if she wasn't? Yes. Were the judges particularly effusive with their comments? Well, Paula did tell Jordin she was, and I can't make this up, a "gift from heaven". So, yes. Did the producers give her the best clothes and only shoot her in the most flattering way possible? You betcha. But that doesn't take away from the fact that Jordin sang this song REALLY well.

#8: Diana Degarmo - Don't Cry Out Loud

In the history of Idol glory notes, the one Diana rips into around the 1:40 mark, that lasts until the 1:55 mark (15 seconds!), is the single greatest ever. It literally sounds like it will never end. And she doesn't even appear to be out of breath. You have the feeling she could sing that note for a good 2 minutes if she had to.

Also, Diana was kind of like the original Jordin Sparks, except she was a better singer. She was 16, cute, completely innocuous, and had a nice pop voice. Her only problem was she was in the same season as Fantasia and Jennifer Hudson so she was a little overshadowed. Put Diana on season 6 of Idol, instead of Jordin, she could have won. Also, RED PALAZZO PANTS. 'Nuff said.

#7: Katharine McPhee - Over The Rainbow

We might look back on Season 5 of American Idol and realize it was the best ever. It probably had more talent than any other season, along with a wonderful mix of people like Kellie Pickler and Bucky Covington for comedic relief. And out of all the season 5 performances this is my favorite...by a female (we'll get to the other one later).

Kat could be really infuriating at times, with her pension for over-singing and poor song choices. But on this night Simon picked the song, and pretty much demanded she sing it simply, and beautifully. I really don't know what else to say about this song...there's nothing to make fun of. It's just kind of a perfect little piece of singing, and that deserves recognition. OH! Also, as an official friend of Dorothy, I would like Kat to know she has done us proud.

So next week the countdown will feature it's first, but not last, dude. Also, we'll take another journey back to Season 1, where the gypsy-chic motif continues to dominate. See you then!

Countdown: My Top 10 Idol Peformances Ever!

2008-12-17T22:08:00.003-05:00

We're back!

So, L&MDJers, it's been a while. Liz and I took an extended break from blogging about Idol (as Idol took an extended break from existing), and from blogging in general. "Why?", you ask. Well, life happens. Some of us are busy with jobs, thriving improv careers, and exciting new relationships, while others are busy getting drunk every night at sing-a-long piano bars that cater to elder gay men by exclusively playing musical standards like "Edelweiss". Ahhh, life.

Anywho, in honor of the upcoming 8th, yes 8th, season of AI, I've decided to countdown my 10 favorite Idol performances ever. But before we get to my #10 pick, there are some rules to go over.

1) These are MY favorite Idol performances. So there will be moments that aren't on this list because, although I realize they are great, they are not MY favorites.

2) This is only a top 10 list. I could probably list my 30 favorite performances, and this particular post will contain my honorable mentions, but that seems a little much.

3) Where the contestant placed, and where their careers have gone since, in no way factors into my decision. For example, Carrie Underwood doesn't get a spot on my list because, although she's sold 5 billion country albums, she was basically a lobotomized fembot the entire time she was on AI. Seriously, if anyone has a clip of her moving her facial muscles, or NOT swaying awkwardly during fast songs, I would love to see it.

So before I reveal my #10 pick, here are my honorable mentions, and my "yeah I know others think these are awesome but I'm just not as into them":

Some Honorable Mentions - Justin Guarini "Get Here"; Kelly Clarkson "Respect"; Kimberly Locke "Over The Rainbow", "New York State of Mind", and "Inseperable"; Ruben Studdard "Superstar"; LaToya London "All By Myself", "Somewhere"; Jennifer Hudson "Circle of Life"; Paris Bennet "These Foolish Things"; Melinda Doolittle "Home"; Lakisha Jones "This Ain't a Love Song"; Brooke White "Love is a Battlefield"; Jason Castro "Over the Rainbow"

Other People's Faves - Kelly Clarkson "Stuff Like That There"; Clay Aiken "Solitaire"; Carrie Underwood "Alone"; Bo Bice "In a Dream"; Chris Daughtry "Hemorrhage"; Anything Taylor Hicks ever did; Blake Lewis "You Give Love a Bad Name"; Any David Cook song; David Archuletta "Imagine"; Jason Castro "Hallelujah"

OK, so hopefully that will appease those who don't see their favorites on my completely scientific and indisputable list of Idol perfection.

#10: Kelly Clarkson - "Don't Play That Song"

Ok, so after all my rules and standards my first entry is kind of a cop-out. I love Kelly Clarkson. And throughout her run on Idol she had a lot of good performances, but never one defining moment. It's funny because, since Kelly, every Idol winner has that one song everyone remembers them performing.

But anyway, I think out of all Kelly's good performances, this one is her best. She kills all the high notes with infuriating (if you're a singer) ease. She growls and mugs in all the right places. She wears some kind of asymmetrical gypsy/hooker outfit. It's perfect. I am convinced that Kelly would have finished in the top 3, if not outright won, every other idol season. She might have been the first, but she's also one of the best.

Also, Since U Been Gone, seriously, it's life-changing.

So stay tuned next week when we countdown #9-7. I can't promise punch and pie, but I can promise 14-second-long glory notes and palazzo pants. And, really, if you're reading this, that probably feeds the true hunger...in your soul.

Blogging SYTYCD

2008-05-27T12:04:00.002-04:00

The Jamboree would like to thank Ted at Blogging SYTYCD for linking to us in this week's round-up of SYTYCD news. Check that blog for more thorough discussion of the best show in the world than we could ever hope to achieve. Thanks, Ted!

SYTYCD: Four Unintentionally Hilarious Dances

2008-05-26T14:44:00.003-04:00

So, I was thinking I'd celebrate the return of the best show in the world by providing a few video clips of what are, in my esteem, some of the best and worst dances in all three seasons of the show. Then I scrapped that idea because frankly, there are too many "best" dances, and even the "worst" dances are still good... especially to someone like me, whose dancing best resembles the Hamburgular trying to make a break for it.

What SYTYCD has in spades, however, are routines that are not necessarily bad but are unintentionally laugh out loud funny. Intentionally funny routines do not qualify for this distinction, so Tranji didn't make the cut. Here are my Top Four Unintentionally Hilarious Dances:

4. "Push It," Sara and Danny, Season 3
This routine got totally panned on the show. It wasn't actually bad, but the costuming was pretty cruel. Unintentionally funny because Danny was one of the most stoic, serious performers in that collection of finalists, and watching him do this choreography in this outfit was the same kind of funny you get when you dress a cat in doll clothes. Not that I love doing that.

3. "The Scream Heard 'Round the World," Dmitry, Season 2
This solo was Dmitry's last-ditch effort not to get voted off the show after he had assisted in the elimination of something like four consecutive partners. When this originally aired, Mike and I watched it with our three roommates, and like magic, all five of us let out an exactly pitch-matched squeal at the end. The funniest thing to me in retrospect is that Dmitry rips off his shirt after the music has already ended. Like, "Oh... and THIS!" I love him so much.

2. "Late Night in the J.C. Penney Stockroom," Pasha, Season 3
Okay, so Pasha is a Latin specialist. He usually dances with a partner. I think the intended effect here was "I'll dance with a mannequin so my solo resembles a partner dance." Now, imagine how that would come off in reality: that is exactly how it goes. The whole thing is balls-out ridiculous. Then he does an impromptu roundoff at the end... for no reason.

1. "Flashdance," Ashlee and Ben, Season 2
It's the very first performance show of Season 2, and the most awkward looking couple on the show draws "80s Disco" as their genre. Is that even a genre? And the music is "Flashdance." And it's choreographed by Doriana Sanchez, and accordingly features some of the most copious cunniliftus ever seen. This routine was just so, so mean. Introducing it, even Cat knows we're about to witness an absolute travesty. This is probably one of my favorite routines in all three seasons of the show, because the two of them are such damn good sports about something so pointedy intended to wreak misery on everyone involved. And isn't that what dancing is all about?

Apocalypse Now: The Real World comes to Brooklyn

2008-05-25T14:00:00.008-04:00

Oh Christ. So the rumor is MTV's classic (re: wicked old) reality TV series is coming to...Brooklyn. If the rumors are true it's coming to my home turf of Williamsburg, Brooklyn to be exact. Now, at the rate my current neighb is gentrifying I guess I can't say I'm totally surprised that MTV would leach onto it's aura of urban hipster glam. But seriously? The Real World? I think we have a new definition of when an up-and-coming area jumps the shark. The previous definition was: The CW's 'Gossip Girl' uses your neighborhood as it's location for the family "from the wrong side of the tracks."

Anyway, I hope the updated sign above makes the 20-something wannabe singers and actors (and maybe prostitutes? have we moved onto them yet?) feel right at home! Welcome to the neighborhood!

SYTYCD!!!!!!!!!!

2008-05-23T12:23:00.003-04:00

I don't know if i'll be able to blog about this show, as I am completely obsessed with it in a totally non-ironic way (mabes I'll just write about my love for Cat Deeley...). Anyway, this post is merely here to celebrate its glorious return to TV last night.

HUZZAH!!!!

Idol Finale: I'd rather live in David Cook's world than live without him in mine.

2008-05-21T23:43:00.004-04:00

I want to apologize first of all for not blogging about last night's show, especially to Erin, who tells me she checks the Jamboree every single day to see if I've said something hilarious. I didn't blog about last night's show, and there were two reasons for that:

I was still really torn up about the House finale.
I really thought Cook was about to lose American Idol to a kid wearing a "graphic tee."

Apparently the universe holds no grudges against me for this, because it went on to deliver the best Idol finale in the history of time, ever. I will now enumerate the happenings.

I'm psyched going in because I know it's going to be a full sixteen minutes before the judges are allowed to utter a single word, and I know this is for the best because Randy is dressed like Colonel Sanders. Ryan introduces Cook, who is wearing a white suit, and Archuleta, who is wearing a white t-shirt. Archuleta, what is wrong with you that you couldn't at least wear something with a collar on an occasion this momentous? Forget it, that's clearly the least of your problems.

Footage from Kansas City, Missouri, anchored by Mikalah Gordon (click on that link if you hate yourself) is followed by footage from Salt Lake City, anchored by Matt Rogers. Who the hell is Matt Rogers? If you have TiVo, go back and check out the girls behind Rogers in this shot, because they are TERRIFYING.

The top 12 wear matching white outfits and sing together, with the SYTYCD kids from last season dancing. If you know me, you know that this is a combination of two of my favorite things in the world (matching outfits and So You Think You Can Dance), and we're only five minutes into the show, people! Cook and Archuleta duet on "Hero," and they actually both sound great.

Then Mike Myers comes along and ruins everything. He's in some movie about a guru, and there are midgets in the movie. Cook and Archuleta are captured on film laughing at this movie and I start to like them both a little bit less. Oh well, at least it's not as cruel as last season when they brought the finalists out to see Shrek the Third with absolutely no sensitivity to the fact that Melinda Doolittle looks like Shrek. Myers shows up live on stage, does some stupid stuff, then Seacrest almost falls off the stage while riding a Roomba. These are all things that happen.

Syesha sings a duet with Seal!

They bring Jason out to sing "Hallelujah," and I literally fast-forward through it. Not that I thought that song was the worst performance of this whole season, but it's certainly the one I harbor the most personal vitriol toward, so I'm fast-forwarding it. I'm going to go ahead and take a leap of faith in assuming Jason hasn't learned how to sing since two weeks ago, and besides, I'm really enjoying this show so far (Mike Myers notwithstanding).

Ooh, a Ford music video! It's a montage of all of the heartwarming moments the top 12 have had... filming Ford music videos. It's a commercial memorializing the creation of other commercials. I like that. It makes me want to knit a picture of a sweater.

The top 6 ladies come out to sing a Donna Summer medley. Amanda Overmyer looks like she is in excruciating psychic pain at this moment, and just as she sings a lyrics that goes (paraphrasing), "Boww fow mow ma numbow maaaby," the Davids appear, escorting Donna Summer herself! She's got a diamond-encrusted microphone. I love her. She sings a song about stamping your feet. Ryan Seacrest joins a group of breakdancers. Paula's dress matches the top 6 girls'. Everyone's singing and stamping their feet. THIS IS SO AWESOME.

Carly and Michael Johns sing "The Letter," and it's fantastic. Then Jimmy Kimmel says a bunch of unfunny things, except when he refers to Simon's parents as "Rosemary and Satan Cowell," which I think is kind of funny not because of Rosemary and Satan but because I think it's funny that Simon has parents and a mum who probably bought him his first heather gray v-neck t-shirt.

The top 6 guys sing "Summer of '69," and boy is it gay. I can't explain why, it just is. It's like, when you have a row of six dudes singing together, there's only a certain category of topics you can have them sing about without it being totally gay, and "wistful nostalgia about my carefree youth" isn't one of them. You know what else isn't one of them? "Someone who is all that one wants when one is lying here in their arms." Which is exactly what the Davids duet on next. Umm, neat? I'm glad you both are finding it hard to believe you're in heaven, I guess? Then Bryan Adams comes out and David Cook is majorly cuddling him for most of the next song. Like, the shot keeps closing in on Bryan Adams and you can see this aggressive man hand planted firmly around his shoulder, then they zoom out and it's Cook. I once heard stories about how Ryan Adams used to get so pissed when people would mistake him for Bryan Adams, but I bet Ryan Adams is eating his words now that Bryan Adams is getting so assertively cuddled by David Cook. Take that, Ryan Adams! Bryan Adams is getting some major David Cook hand-on-shoulder action and all you've got is your stupid cover of "Wonderwall"!

David Cook sings with ZZ Top. Paula loves her some ZZ Top. I'm picturing the boardroom discussion that went into this duet.

"Okay, who can we stand David Cook next to that will establish beyond a shadow
of a doubt that he is the most attractive person in the world, rather than just
a borderline fuggo with a pasty complexion, beer gut, and all too recent
bleached combover?"
"Uh... ZZ Top?"
"Done. Call ZZ. He's in my fave five."

By the by, I hope there was a similar panel discussion about Archie that concluded with the decision to make him look hip and edgy by singing "The House at Pooh Corner" with Kenny Loggins.

Brooke sings "Teach Your Children" with Graham Nash. Where was all this awesome shit all season long?! I would pay money to see Brooke sing with Graham Nash! He kisses her hand at the end. Did I say best finale ever? Because: best finale ever.

Then a band plays that is kind of like a brunette version of Hanson in tighter pants. Ohh, they are the Jonas Brothers. For some reason I always thought "Jonas Brothers" was just one guy and that was his name. Kind of the opposite of how I thought "Carey Brothers" was a sibling duo, and not a guy's name. Speaking of brothers...

There is an audition montage. I'm totally uninterested unless they're going to show us the "We're Brothers Forever" guy. And they do. And he comes out on stage and sings with a marching band and some cheerleaders. I love this 98%, and the other 2% is me feeling so sad for whomever within the great Idol machine was charged with the task of scoring and notating "We're Brothers Forever" for a marching band. What a sad and sorry thing to have on one's resume.

One Republic comes out and sings "Apologize" with David Archuleta. It's Archuleta's best peformance ever. Seriously, it's so good that I stop despising him for the first time in fourteen weeks. He sounds great. He even sounds believable. Thank God he hasn't been performing like this all along.

Jordin Sparks. Still carries herself like a human incarnation of a grizzly bear. She sings a song about taking one step at a time and does some not at all embarrassing acting out of the lyrics. Gah. The only redeeming part of this performance is the shot of Blake Lewis singing along from the audience at the end of the song. He totally owns Jordin's album. He probably has that song as his ringback tone.

A video of Gladys Knight sings with Jack Black as a Pip, etc... it's no hologram Elvis, that's for sure. It's all kind of unnecessary.

Carrie Underwood performs some disgustingly country-music-affected country song while wearing the world's shortest jacket-dress. So there's that.

Then my favorite thing ever on Idol happens. If you guessed "George Michael medley," you win! They sing "Faith." Check. They sing "Father Figure," and David Hernandez gets the lyric about being "bold and naked" - nicely played, Idol. Then they all sing "Freedom," which is a) the best song in the whole wide world, and b) the last song Mike and I sang together at karaoke many months ago. Then George Michael comes out wearing sunglasses indoors and sings this insanely George Michael song about love and hate and your parents and fear and tiny shorts... it goes on forever, and honestly, if anything in this season of this show should be allowed to go on forever, it's George Michael singing this song in front of a backdrop of a glowing sunset. The only alternative I would possibly accept would be Elton John singing an eight minute long rendition of "The One." Which is what I am banking on next year.

Then Seacrest says some stuff and confetti rains down on David Cook's big stupid baby head. Finally.

Idol Top 3: SABOTAGE!!!

2008-05-13T21:06:00.003-04:00

Tonight on Idol, despite Randy Jackson and the Idol producers' best efforts, Syesha Mercado was the best performer of the night. They gave her a song that she HAD to sing like Alicia Keys, they gave her a song that is impossible to perform well (some crap soundtrack song from a movie about penguins!), and they threw her under the bus right at the beginning of the show when they called David Archuleta a "high school student" and Syesha Mercado "an actress". I'm sorry, but in what bizarre world is David A some out-of-nowhere, aw shucks high school student and Syesha is this successful actress just trying out this whole singing thing for a bit. It's wrong!

Anyway, lets' get through this abortion that was once the best show on TV. As I mentioned they started out the show saying David A was a "high school student", David C was a "bartender", and Syesha was an actress. This should have been my first hint that the night was designed to screw over my favorite little underdog, Ms. Mercado. David Archuleta has been designed for this show. His father has raised him not as a human being but as a potential American Idol Contestant. To say hes just a high school student is basically a lie designed to excuse what will be a horrible night of performances.

So David A starts out the night and sings what is basically my favorite song of all-time, "And So it Goes" by Billy Joel. On the plus side he is not Carmen Rasmussen, who, in her defense, WAS Carmen Rasmussen. On the downside he ruins this song. He skips all the important heartbreaking lyrics like "But If my silence made you leave/Then that would be my worst mistake/So I will share this room with you/And you can have this heart to break." He instead just riffs the words "and so it goes" over, and over, and over again. It is as if he was trying as hard as possible to avoid any real emotional connection with the song, and simultaneously make me commit sepuku. Grade: FUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU.

Next up is successful actress Syesha Mercado. Randy chose "If I Ain't got You" by Alicia Keys and Syesha sings it really, really well. The only problem is it's a boring song that you pretty much have to sing like Alicia Keys. I'm sure the produces were pumped when Randy picked such a shitty song since they hate her anyway. Whatever, Syesha sang it much better than she did when she was on that other reality show a few years ago and sang the same song. Also she seems a little more personable this week. Oh one more thing! I know Syesha had a rally with tons of people just like Archuletta, I saw the pics, so why didn't they show it? Why does Archuleta get to hear his song choice from Yosemite Sam and Syesha just gets it texted to her in a limo...by herself. I'll tell you why, SABOTAGE!! Grade: A for Syesha; F- for American Idol

David Cook sings "First Time Ever I Saw Your Face" which is a brilliant choice by Simon because its totally something David can change up. David sings it really well. I liked it. I have nothing else to say about David but Randy says, "I wish Simon didn't pick something so predictable. It was so old-fashioned and you're a rocker." How is a Roberta Flack song for David C predictable? I'm sorry, did they change the definition of precitable? Ok, I just looked it up and no, no they have not changed the meaning of that word. Grade: A-for David C; F- for Randy

Next we get to the most hilarious part of the night. David A sings "With You" by Chris Brown. He uses the phrase "my boo" a bunch and fucks up all the lyrics to the only verse of the song he sings (but does manage to say something about having a hott little body). He bounces awkwardly while singing, it's a hilarious train wreck. Also, this marks the third time this season David has messed up the words, so I was sure the judges would finally say SOMETHING about it. I was wrong, they don't mention it at all! WTF!! Grade: A for Awesomely Awful

Syesha is up next and sings "Fever" and its is HOTT. Seriously, the way she sang the final note made me like girls for a second, it was that sexy. She looks AMAZING, uses a chair as a prop, and moves like a pro.. It's great...the judges hate it. After weeks of telling her they love it when she does stagy numbers they rip her apart...for doing a stagy number. SABOTAGE!!! Grade: A+ (seriously that last "burn" is giving me manly urges).

David C sings a Switchfoot song for his second choice. It's pretty lame. He doesn't sing the verse particularly well. It's boring. Gade: B

For the producers choice David A is singing Dan Fogelbergs "Longer". It's my parents wedding song, and, in their defense, this song sounds way less lame when it's sung by a hippie with a guitar. Because, let's be honest, this is awwwwfuuullll. David does sound very nice though, I'll give him that. Grade: Please let this be mediocre enough for David to go home.

In the final, and biggest, injustice of the night the producers chose a song for Syesha that is completely un-singable. It's some techno crap song with no melody that would, in real life, be sung by some no-talent hack like Cascada. It is in no way conducive to live performance in a singing competition and was meant solely to facilitate an All-David-Finale. It's from the frakkin' Happy Feet soundtrack! Grade: I am on strike and refuse to write any more about this season.

Photo Caption Contest!!!

2008-05-11T19:23:00.003-04:00

"Hi Boys! Welcome to New York's #1 Gay Male Strip Club"

So that's my caption for this photo. Any others?

Idol's Top 4: What Would Rosa Parks Sing?

2008-05-06T22:33:00.007-04:00

Tonight, Ryan's hair is coiffed into an incredibly pronounced diving board, and Randy is wearing the type of shirt that a man only wears after he has lost a bet. Seriously, he looks like a mannequin in the window of Big & Tall For The Utterly Garish Homeboy.

Ryan introduces the top 4, and explains that "they've learned the hard way that song selection is everything." Correct me if I'm wrong, but these particular kids haven't been sent home yet, so aren't they kind of... the definition of those who have not had to learn this lesson the hard way?

Meanwhile, at the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame in Cleveland (Hi, Floyd!), we learn that David Cook is the pastiest man alive, in case anyone was unsure of that.

Cook, wearing a red deep v-neck t-shirt (that I swear he stole from Oprah), explains that he will be singing "Hungry Like the Wolf." It's lame. I really hate to say this, but you know who I really think I would have enjoyed on this song? Blake Lewis. "Hungry Like the Wolf" is kind of a boring song, and Cook does pretty much nothing with it. In fact, did that even happen?

Syesha gives a little interview about how she's excited for the tour, which she pronounces with two syllables: too-er. She's going to sing "Proud Mary." Well, good tos ee that no one will be stepping outside of their little boxes this evening. She starts off strong, and holy calf muscles! Go rewind the show to the beginning of this song, and check out those puppies. Okay, then she keeps singing, and then... OMG DANCE MOVES! That's what my notes say there. I kind of love this. Not because it's the best dancing ever, but because it comes off like she has seriously thought about this, and practiced exactly what she was going to do and when, at scheduled times each day, every day leading up to this performance. Syesha being incredibly intentional is just as hilarious and adorable as Brooke being incredibly unintentional. I love it.

There is a sign in the audience that says "Don't be shy, vote for Syesha." This makes next to no sense. Like, in what way is that a play on words? "Don't be a douchebag, vote for David Cook." That would be my sign, if I were in the audience. Because both of those things start with D.

Jason will be singing "I Shot the Sheriff." For what it's worth, it's a lot better than his last few performances, but it's still not interesting enough to stop me from idly checking my work email while he's singing. Afterward, Randy is a buffoon. Truthfully, Jason was no less memorable on this song than Cook was on his. Simon then uses the words "atrocious" and "massacre" to describe it, and the whole thing is really uncomfortable, with Simon and Randy generally acting pissed off about Jason's existence. I have no freaking time for this, guys, because I have been pissed off about Jason's existence since Week Two! It's not fair to pull this now, when you spent the first half of this show blubbering about how you could feel his soul and how great and authentic is it that he can't sing. I also sensed some weird Bob Marley disgust from the panel on this one, which is possibly interesting in the racially charged context of tonight's show.

David Archuleta describes "Stand By Me" as a song he likes to sing to himself in his room, you know, before Daddy lets him out for his daily calisthenics. Both interview segments from Archie tonight are massively creepy in that way. Now, picture the way David Archuleta would sing "Stand By Me" - that's how David Archuleta sings "Stand By Me." In critique, Paula reminds us that he's 17, which only creeps me out further because when I was 17, I was in college, and... look at this kid.

Oh good, we're back around to the start. Cook, please do something good. Earlier today I was looking at the list of 500 songs and joking that someone should do "Baba O'Riley" because there are minute-and-a-half stretches with no lyrics whatsoever, and guess what! That's what Cook's doing. He gives a totally respectable performance, doing everything he should have done with the first song. The only thing that's weird about it is at the end, where there should be some shouting and then a guitar solo, there's just one lone shout and then the song ends abruptly. I bet the studio recording of this one is going to be awesome, though.

Syesha is going to sing "A Change is Gonna Come." She explains that the civil rights movement was a very pivotal time in history, and she is singing this song during a very pivotal time in her journey on American Idol.

I'm just gonna let that one marinate for a little while.

It was so utterly amazing, that Mike is absolutely right, her kind of mirthful derangement belongs squarely in the Tyraverse. But then she sings the song, and she's the best, and Randy is a total moron, and Paula and Simon disagree, and Syesha sobs mightily and totally loses her shit, and that right there is HOW IT'S DONE, PEOPLE. That may have just been one of my favorite moments on this show, ever. There are so many things about this season that are supposed to be exciting, or different, or matter in some way, and right now the only thing that has truly captured my attention is watching one Syesha Mercado ferociously clawing her way into the finale.

Moving right along. Jason attributes "Mr. Tambourine Man" to Bob Dylan, then forgets half the words. He sounds like a subway musician on this song, and not even one of the good ones - if he were here in Boston they'd totally only let him play on the orange line. Again, Jason ruins the last note. You know, jumping an octave on your final note is not a requirement for these songs, in fact, they're not even written that way, so why do you keep doing it if you're not capable?

Archie is now going to sing a romantic love song. Oh noes! I completely tuned out during the song, but afterward Randy says he liked how Archie was "so tender and caressed each word," and I'm sorry, that sentence contains two words that I never, ever want to hear in conjunction with David Archuleta. I need to have my brain Windexed. Seriously. Disgusting. Let's not talk about it ever again.

Well, some surprising stuff tonight. I like to think Cook can escape getting Daughtry'd because his fans know better, but the other three contestants each created emergent situations for themselves tonight. I hope America has the mercy to put Jason out of his misery, I would be delighted with a shocking Archuleta elimination, and if Syesha goes home I may have an emotional breakdown of Danny-Noriega's-elimination proportions. What hath God wrought!?

Idol Top 4: You Wanna Be On Top?

2008-05-06T21:19:00.003-04:00

Randy Jackson is waging a war against reason, judgment, and Paula Abdul's position as least useful judge on American Idol. He is single-handedly ruining my viewing of this show by using his reputation (as an accurate appraiser of singing talent) to pimp whatever contestant the producers tell him to pimp. Most important of all, he has, in what is truly the biggest 180 I have ever done with an idol contestant, made me root for Syesha Mercado. Let me say that again. Randy Jackson has turned me into a fan of the utterly insufferable, delusional, and #1 Syesha Mercado fan: Syesha Mercado.

With that in mind it is Ms. Mercado gets the spotlight tonight (at least on this blog). I used Tyra Banks' tag line from Top Model as the title of this post because I feel that Syesha is on the wrong reality television program. Seriously, anyone who says things like, "I can't wait to meet aaaaaalllll my faaaans", and "She was the only person who really understood me", needs some Tyra lovin' pronto. She's just the type of neurotic, awkward, insane contestant (you know, the kind that compares their path on AI to the fucking civil rights movement) that Tyra so craves to nourish. So how has this girl become my favorite Idol contestant?

It's really two-fold. 1) Syesha has been the best contestant on stage for the past three weeks. I'm being serious! Starting with Andrew Lloyd Webber she has been consistently great. Particularly tonight, she poured her heart out on that stage when she sang "A Change is Gonna Come". It was the first time I actually felt like I saw a real person. It was so strong I even forgave her for, I have to bring this up again, comparing her Idol journey to the plight of southern blacks in the late 1960's. And then 2) The judges insist on down-playing her performances because they are obsessed with an All-David-Finale. This biggest culprit is Randy Jackson who either tells Syesha was fine, or ok, when she was in fact great, or tells her she was bad when she was great. If I have to listen to another "molten hot lava bomb" comment from Randy, after a laaaaaame little David performance I'm going to scream. So maybe it's more a hatred for Randy and this little David pimping, but I'm pulling for Syesha to make it to the finals (even though I know she won't...)

In regards to the other contestants I will say: Jason Castro was hilariously awful, David A was boring, and David C well...I worry about him tomorrow night. Don't get me wrong he sang very well. He just didn't do anything special with his songs. He's set such a high bar, changing songs around and really being as much as an artist you can be on Idol, that I worry his fans might not vote for him because he was good, or vote for him because they feel he's in trouble.

So I say a bottom 2 of Jason and David C tomorrow with a shocking exit of Mr. Cook. Of course, if Randy has his way, we'll just eliminate everyone except David Archuletta and he can just put on concerts for the next 2 weeks.

Idol Top 5: My genius has come alive, like toys when your back is turned!

2008-04-29T20:06:00.004-04:00

So that line from above is actually a quote from 30 Rock, but it's also what I imagine David Cook says to himself every time he "re-imagines" a song, and I certainly hope it's what the Idol producers said to themselves after deciding the judges would only be speaking once despite the Idols performing twice. On the downside we only get so much time to soak up Paula's outfit, which can only be described as an extras costume from the prom scene in Teen Witch.

After a quick retrospective on Neil Diamond's career, including a line where Ryan appears to mockingly comment on Neil's "artistry" while the video simultaneously shows Mr. Diamond in various sequenced fringe-lined jackets, we get right into the action. In honor of Paula's outfit, and the genius that is Teen With, I will be grading the performances tonight based on their corresponding musical number from the hit 80's teen musical: Top That (totally awesome); Most Popular Girl (fine but nothing outstanding); My Finest Hour (kinda boring and blah); Madame Serena (...yikes); and I Like Boys (the single greatest thing I have ever witnessed in my entire existence on this planet).

Jason Castro is up first and I first have to say he lost a lot of points for me last week when he sang a version of "Memories" from Cats that would have sounded better if it was sung by an actual cat. Needless to say I thought his "Forever in Blue Jeans" was much better. It's also just an awesome song. Grade: Most Popular Girl

David Cook sings next and he manages to be smarmy, condescending, and off-putting in one 30 second interview with Ryan. Congrats David! David sings "I'm Alive" and its fine but the whole song I was wondering what the initials "AC" he has on his guitar, and now on his jacket, mean. Was this explained at one point? Is it Adult Contemporary? If it's adult contemporary I bet David Archuletta's dad is pissed because little David did not spend the last 3 months either singing Phil Collins songs, or turning Andrew Lloyd Webber songs into Phil Collins song just so David C could conquer Magic 106.7! Anyway...Grade: Most Popular Girl

Brooke White sings "I'm a Believer" and she looks kind of awkward, like she's a child holding a normal-sized guitar. She sounds fine I guess, you know, for Brooke. Overall I have to say it didn't do much for me except remind me that Shrek has forever ruined one of my favorite Monkees' songs. Grade: My Finest Hour

David Archuletta is singing both "Sweet Caroline" and "America" tonight, which should surprise NOBODY, as they are Neil Diamond's most adult contemporary, and lets be honest most lame, songs (interesting fact: Sweet Caroline was written about Caroline Kennedy...when she was twelve...ewww that's some Madame Serena shit right there). David is really uncertain of the pitch at the beginning of this song, not that any of the judges will call him on it. This song is played during the 7th inning stretch of every Red Sox home game so I spent most of this performance googling Fenway Park and shouting "SO GOOD, SO GOOD, SO GOOD!" Grade: My Finest Hour

Syesha is up next and....ahhhhhh!!!!! I HATE the audience waving their hands in a different rhythm from the song!!! Stupid, stupid audience. Anyway Syesha sounds nice and as she's the only person left in this competition who even slightly resembles the contestants that originally made fall in love with this show so I'm pulling for her a little bit now. Grade: Most Popular Girl

Next the producers go back on their word and let the judges speak anyway. On a positive note this produces the single-best Paula moment of the season (maybe of all-time?) when she accidentally gives Jason critiques for both of his songs...even though he had only performed one. Now, you could be cynical about this and assume the producers gave Paula notes on what to say for each performance and she accidentally read off both, but I like to believe that Paula actually hallucinated Jason's second performance. Apparently Paula's is on a bad trip tonight though because she did not like Jason's imaginary song. Grade for Paula: I Like Boys

Jason's second song is ridiculous because the tween mosh-pit is actually waving their hands 1.84 times faster than the song. Seriously, they're not waving their hands in double time, not in the actual time, but in some kind of awkward in between time that is simultaneously hilarious and infruating. It's actually so distracting that I had to watch Jason's performance 3 times before I could actually pay attention. Unfortunately for Jason I finally did hear it. Grade: Madame Serena

Smuggy McGiantbabyhead goes next and ofcourse is awesome...god damn it. His version of "Say" could totally be a Top 40 hit right now. It was just really, really good. Grade: Top That

Brooke White took Neil Diamond's advice and changed the word to her song from "I'm New York raised" to "I'm Arizona raised" which I guess makes the song more autobiographical but also makes the line "I'm stuck between two coasts" completely false. Whats coasts? The Pacific Ocean and Lake New Mexico? Anyway she sounds fine. I'm kind of over her. Grade: My Finest Hour

David Archuletta sings "America" and, let's be honest, this song was made for Kristy Lee Cook. You know bitch would have come out riding her horse (that she would have purchased with Susan b. Anthony coins and christian prayer), draped in the american flag, and she woulda sang that song "anywaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay". Archie does his best Clay Aiken-lite (Fey Aiken?) via the Kristy Lee propaganda machine. It all just finally pushes me over the edge into a complete dislike of this kid. Grade: Madame Serena

Syesha finishes up with "Thank the Lord for the Night Time". I thought it was great but ofcourse she's not in the producers plan for the finals so the judges downplay her talents just like they did with Carly who was consistently the best singer but was always told she was "just ok". Seriously, the producers have done everything but hold up a picture of a baby seal and say, "If you don't vote for an all David finale we will kill this seal and all it's brothers and sisters! We'll do it!!!" Whatever. Grade: Top That

OK so Syesha will probably go home, or Brooke or Jason. I don't even care. I have never said this about Idol, but can this season please be over?

Idol's Top 6: The Wal-Mart of Broadway

2008-04-22T23:47:00.009-04:00

Meanwhile, I am absolutely wracked with jealousy about Mike's opportunity to schmooze with Marvita - Marvita of "maybe we gonn' be nekkid... maybe we gonn' be nekkid in coats!" fame.

But let me be the first to volunteer that I absolutely disagree about Brooke. That is, I agree with the judges. And I mean, maybe there's not much to do at this point, but I hate that it's like she has just given up on trying to sing well. Of course she's never going to have the range or the refined technique of some other contestants on the show, but she could at least try to breathe properly and support her voice and work on sounding more professional/mature with the capabilities she has.

Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself here! Welcome, it is Andrew Lloyd Webber night... and since fully one third of the remaining contestants aren't really good singers, the fact that this is going to suck should come as no surprise. Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber is in the audience looking a little like Prince Gerhardt at this time.

In standard fashion, I will be grading the contestants on the following scale: "Phantom of the Opera" (very good), "Evita" (passable), "Jesus Christ Superstar" (okay bordering on lame), "Cats" (utterly horrific), and "Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat" (you have got to be fucking kidding me).

Syesha is up first. I feel like I can start referring to them by first name only, now that we're down to six. She sings "One Rock & Roll Too Many," which I have never heard before, but just learned via Google is from Starlight Express. Which I have also never heard of. Fair enough. Syesha, by the way, is GREAT on this number. She really belongs to an earlier season of this show. She's wearing this smokin' outfit and sassily dancing around the stage flirting with Rickey Minor and the orchestra. You know, I don't like Syesha, but I have to give her credit for actually doing this theme justice instead of wussing out and avoiding the theme like everyone else has done week in and week out. I give her a solid Phantom of the Opera.

Jason whines and whimpers and hyperventilates (literally, he is gasping for air every every third word like he's on his deathbed) through "Memory." Randy says that he thought it was a musical and vocal trainwreck, but he liked the fact that Jason has dreadlocks. I'm just taking the notes here, folks. I agree with Randy, minus the second part, so I'm giving Jason an out-and-out Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

Brooke is next, and you can tell in the rehearsal footage that ALW hates her, which makes me feel kind of bad. He comments that none of the contestants seems to know the context of the songs they're singing, and this kind of blows my mind. I mean, you can't always track down the private diaries of a pop artist to find out what they really meant to communicate in a particular song, but the whole thing about songs from musicals is that there is, you know... an entire musical to help you figure out what the song means. It's not exactly classified information. Wikipedia that shit, please. Anyway, enough about Brooke, you know I'm giving her a Cats. Sorry, Brooke.

D'Arch has one thousand sisters, we find out right before his performance. He is singing "Think of Me," and it's nice to know he can't only sing Phil Collins style pop ballads; he can in fact also sing musical theatre numbers reimagined as Phil Collins style pop ballads. Cool. I wasn't blown out of my socks or anything, but I thought David did a serviceable and smart job with this song. He earns an Evita from me. Meanwhile, David's dad in the audience has recently traded in his signature douchey hat for an even douchier hat. Because this is the part of the competition where everyone needs to step up their game.

Carly is up next, which means David Cook is last. Man, I love this blustering, ham-handed show. Carly sings "Superstar," and I'm really conflicted on this performance... on the plus side, it's good. It's fun. It doesn't wimp out. Rickey Minor is busting a freakin' MOVE during it. On the other hand, she's chosen a key which puts the chorus of the song just barely out of her range, so I spend the majority of the time bracing myself for the inevitable destruction of her glottis. Also, Carly just cannot help looking like someone's mom doing karaoke. Granted, it's someone's mom who's really, really good at karaoke. You know, like Mike's mom, who they call "Mona" because she is so good at karaoke - true story. Anyway, due to my totally split feelings on Carly's performance, I can only give her rendition of "Superstar," fittingly, a Jesus Christ Superstar. David Cook then smarms us into the next commercial break...

David Cook is singing "Music of the Night," which Andrew Lloyd Webber points out is one of the most sexy songs he's ever written. This makes me laugh because ALW totally reminds me of someone's awkward dad in all of these rehearsal clips. David Cook is like, "Umm, thanks Dad?" His performance is quite good, and he hits all of the money notes perfectly and satisfyingly even if the rest of it comes off a little under-rehearsed. Randy calls it an "amazing vocal," which is just not true. The vocal was good, indeed it was surprisingly good, and far better than most other vocal performances tonight, parts of it were even great, but nothing about this performance was even in the zip code of "amazing." It's especially frustrating here because a truly amazing vocal on this song was clearly within David's natural ability (as opposed to Jason or Brooke), and he didn't quite make it happen - he also made the boring choice of keeping his delivery in the gray area between fabulous Broadway vocal and hip alt-rock styling, accomplishing neither of those aesthetics particularly well. Nonetheless, this is one of the only two performances from tonight I enjoyed, so David Cook earns the full Phantom of the Opera.

My overall verdict on tonight was that it was less good than Mariah week, more good than Idol Gives Back week, and overall about as enjoyable as one of Andrew Lloyd Webber's shows. Ooh, burn, Idol!

Just 1 Thing

2008-04-22T20:43:00.003-04:00

OK, I don't have time to write a full recap right now because I'm going to MARVITA-FROM-AMERICA'S-NEXT-TOP-MODEL'S BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!!!! Yeah, take a few more seconds to digest that last sentence. As Marvita would say, "This ho be trippin!" And you better believe I'll be blogging about that shit. But, I had to make a comment about one moment from Idol tonight.

I loved Brooke White's performance. I thought it was awesome. And I don't think she messed up on purpose, but if she did it was brilliant because it only made me love her more. I've never disagreed so much with the judges. Even Paula was all hatin' on it. Maybe I have been duped. Maybe nobody agrees with me, but I loved me some Brooke White.

A full recap will be coming once I finish bumpin' uglies with some top models! In the mean time you can read my belated take on last week's performances! It has a hilarious story from my youth!

Idol top 7: Oh Man! Remember When Mariah Carey Was Awesome?!

2008-04-20T12:10:00.005-04:00

Like Liz, I also felt slightly sad watching the shells of Paula Abdul and Mariah Carey blather on, incoherently, through their collective, drug-induced haze. Truth be told, when I was little I was more of a Janet Jackson fan than a Paula fan. In fact, funny story, I was 75% convinced that Paula was cheating off of Janet, like, in some kind of "how-to-succeed-as-a-female-pop-artist-test". It got so bad that when I was 8 years old I was in this $1 store with my mom and there was both a Janet Jackson and a Paula Abdul 1991 monthly calender, and I sat my mom down and showed her, month by month, how Paula was clearly just stealing all of Janet's awesome poses. "Like Paula could really think of posing on the beach with a beach ball," I said to my horror-stricken but trying to be supportive mother, "she's clearly just sending spies to Janet's photo shoots and copying the results!" I did however own two copies of Paula's Shut Up and Dance: The Remixes album, so my hatred for her ran shallow at best. I just couldn't resist a 7 minute techno remix of "Forever Your Girl"! And, honestly, what normal 8 year-old boy could?

But Mariah, oh did I love me some Mariah. Maybe it was the years of listening to Paula, and Janet, and Madonna, but when Mariah ripped into Vision of Love my love of divas was forever awoken. More importantly, her video for Someday taught me ALL the dance moves I used for the next 5 years of my life.

Anyway, again like Liz, I was bracing for the absolute butchering of my favorite Mariah songs (back before she started singing all the verses of her songs like Pebbles from The Flinstones). And I too was surprisingly happy with the results. Oh, excpet for that for the fact that nobody sang All I want for Christmas is You. That would have been amazing.

David Archuletta went first and there was a time I was obsessed with this kid in a completely inappropriate way. I've been trying to think what went wrong. I've decided it's like when you get an awesome and delicious cake for your birthday. The first piece is so good that you can't imagine ever having a better piece of cake, or too much of this particular confection. Ofcourse there's too much and you take the remaining cake home and, over the next few days, eat the rest. The problem is the cake never changes, and, after a while, you get used to it's tastiness, and you get a little tired of it. Not to mention the cake is getting stale and even if you were to eat a piece for the first time is still wouldn't be as good as when it was first baked. That's David Archuletta, a once delish cake that has become stale and of which we have eaten too much.

Next up is Carly Smithson who I explicitly told to sing something upbeat and fun that shows she can enjoy herself on stage. She screams "Without You"...son of a bitch.

I have officially forgiven Syesha Mercado for existing this season because of the end of this song. The part when she was like "vaaa-aaa-aaa-aaa-aaa-aaa-AAnishing, oooooooh, awaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay", that was great. This season has been rough for me, what with the new focus on rockers and folk singers and 12 year-old ballad boys. But at least for this moment she reminded me of divas past. Unfortunately for Syesha, she's Syesha. So I see one more week tops.

I also agree with Liz on the whole Brooke White has never been able to sing songs like this thing. Are the judges seriously just realizing this now? Who have they been watching for the last several months? Brooke's schtick is to be awkward and folksy and sing like Carly Simon. I thought she was fine except when she screwed up playing the piano. But Brooke again did my favorite Brooke-White-thing which is when she tells the audience "it's ok, it's ok." I just love it because she seems like she's genuinely trying to dissuade an angry mob of her fans from storming the stage. It's wonderfully self-important.

So since I'm writing this now I know that Kristy Lee Cook got the boot. I'm sad about this because I had started to root for her in an underdog way. I would think, there's no way she could possibly be safe again. She is?! Huzzah! Also, next week is Andrew Lloyd Webber week and Kristy has clearly stolen all her awkward arm motions from "Don't Cry for Me Argentina" in Evita. It would have been so perfect for her. Alas, she's gone, but I'll remember her "foreeveeeeeeeeer".

David Cook was awesome. The end.

Jason Castro finished off the show. There was an awesome moment during his montage with Mariah where she gave him a melody he might want to use in the song and Jason looks shocked, SHOCKED, that Mariah Carey just said something musically intelligent to him. Seriously, he even comments about how "he actually liked it." Dude, I know you don't like pop music and are unfamiliar with this women's work, but c'mon! It's Mariah Carey! He acted like he just got great musical advice from Marlee Matlin. Anyway, I like Jason a lot and I really liked this song, however, I know lots of people whom I trust that hate Jason. Maybe I'm just hypnotized by his dreadlocks.

Ok so coming up is Andrew Lloyd Webber week. I think Carly Smithson will sing "I Don't Know how to Love Him", Brooke White will sing "Memories", David Cook will sing "Jesus Christ Superstar", Syesha will sing "Don't Cry for me Argentina", David A will sing "All I ask of You", and Jason will sing "Jellicle Cats"...obvs.

PS - that is a legit, non-ironic video of an actual broadway production of Cats. God, I hate you, Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Idol's Top 7: My pleas for more cancer on this show have finally been heard!

2008-04-15T23:14:00.000-04:00

Tonight, Ryan reminisces about the "shockwaves" created by Michael Johns' elimination. Mariah Carey is in the guest mentor, and here are our Top 7. As the final show before the Idols start singing two songs apiece, the Top 7 show is probably, mathematically speaking, the most filler-tastic episode of the whole season. So Paula's word allowance has been doubled for the evening.

In an intro package about Mariah, we see her rollerskating, swimming, and taking a bath in various music videos, and we find out that she apparently has a five-octave range. Which is four and a half more octaves than Brooke White. So this should be fun. Mariah has shown up in the rehearsal space with her best pair of high waisted tapered sailor pants and her dog.

Here is what I love about tonight - and honestly, I love a lot of things about tonight, not least the fact that it fails to be the trainwreck I had steeled myself for. What I love about tonight is that here are Mariah Carey and Paula Abdul, two of these total musical giants of my youth, both on a show together two decades later. And they've both become these batshit insane pop culture sideshows in the meantime. Tonight's show makes me wish I had kids of conversational age, so I could tell them all about how when I was their age, Mariah Carey and Paula Abdul were awesome unironically. And that the best music video ever was the one where Paula and a rapping cartoon cat sang and tapdanced about how they were dating even though he liked the movies, and she liked TV. Who'd have thought they could be lovers?! Their relationship was just so unlikely! You know, because of their personalities.

Yeah, you're welcome.

David Archuleta is up first, to remind us that "When You Believe"... leather pants become acceptable for public wearing on television? Okay. He sounds fine, and miracles are happening or whatever, and I take this opportunity to go get a snack. I usually don't get a chance to have a snack so early in the show, so thanks, Archie! I liked your performance. It was delicious.

Carly Smithson sings "Without You," which has a seriously special place in my heart for having been featured in a little movie Mike and I were making about ourselves five years ago. I like Carly's voice except for when she's mercilessly abusing her upper range, which is exactly where the latter half of this song falls. Randy chooses this song on which to unleash this season's most incoherent judge comment to date. What he says, verbatim, is that it was "a little not quite loosey goosey for me." Paula, Randy is totally cheating off of your test!

I forgot Syesha Mercado was here. Is it too soon for another snack? She sings "Vanishing," and it's serviceable but quite flat a lot of the time. Simon uses her critique as an opportunity to randomly state that David Archuleta is the one to beat. Um... thanks for sharing?

Brooke White is singing "Hero." I disagree with the rest of the universe (read: Randy) here, and think the song was only okay until she got to the bridge and let loose, and then it was bitchin'. I think Brooke has been playing it way too safe vocally, and I like that she goes for it here. Simon points out that her voice was not really strong enough to carry the song... to which I can only respond, "Hi, welcome to having Brooke on the show." I'm glad it's taken them this long to realize she doesn't have a really good voice. I hope Simon has also recently noticed that those "Pogs" are certainly popular with kids these days.

Mariah Carey likes Kristy Lee Cook's version of "Forever" better than her own, and... so do I? Especially if you ignore the really awkward porny/dead faces she makes when she sings, Kristy actually does a really good job on this song. I officially like her. Don't get me wrong, I think she sucks, but I really have no objections to her continuing to be on the show. Kristy Lee, we are not in a fight. Please lend me a sparkly top this weekend.

My therapist tells me I can't write about David Cook anymore. Or his cute haircut. Or his brother who has brain cancer in the audience. Or his stirring, sexy man-tears. Seriously, I would be irritated at having been so manipulated by this show, but I'm too busy reverse-badooping that performance and weeping softly.

Jason Castro sings "I Don't Want to Cry" with some bongo accompaniment, and I continue to fail to care whatsoever. More rewinding to David Cook!

It'll be interesting to see who goes home. Obviously this show is so done with all the girls. Carly or Brooke could be in danger, but is Idol ready for two "shocking" eliminations in a row? Meanwhile, I would prefer for KLC to outlast Syesha. My bets are spread four ways among all of 'em.

Irish Eyes Are Weeping

2008-04-15T15:18:00.003-04:00

Ladies and Gentleman, I would like to talk about my Dublin Dandy, my Belfast Belter, my Kilkenny KilCrooner, she's the Limerick lady with gams the size of Galway and teeth more crooked than a road in Tipperary: Carly Smithson!

It has come to my attention that many of you dislike, nay, despise, my Donegal Dame (ok i'm done with that now), and I understand. She has a great voice but, yes, she reeks of desperation when she's on stage. She just tries so hard, and it can become so very off-putting. She dresses, and looks, as Liz put it, like a 50 year-old divorcee and that whole "once had a recording contract with a major label and then her CD tanked" thing still lingers. But c'mon! When she's good she can be really good!

The judges don't even like her anymore! You can't argue that she's getting JordinSparks'd into the finale undeservingly, the Dawg is too busy creaming his manties over Archuletta, and Simon has major boners for David Cook. Speaking of the Archulator, he is the one who deserves all our ire for his pageant performances and songs about imaginary troubling life experiences he has never had. For the love of God, Kristy Lee Cook is still on the show! So can we cool it on the Carly hating? Because, and this is the most important part, she is #2 in my idol pool and I swear to jebus if you guys mess this up for me I will turn this blog right around and we will go home and there will be no Fribbles for anyone!

And so, for my Ballykissangel Babe (I promise that's the last one), here is how she can come in 2nd place this season on Idol. I view Carly much like Kat McPhee from season 5. Kat was considered a long shot around top 7 week, with front runners like Daughtry and Paris Bennet standing in her way, and Carly also has some major contenders standing in her path this year. Here is a short term goal for Mariah Carey week: sing something fun! Like maybe Emotions, or Fantasy. She just needs to keep it light and enjoy herself. Maybe if she stops furrowing her brow and making constipation faces when she sings people will warm up to her.

If she keeps it light during MC week I think she'll get somewhat back in the running and Syesha will get the boot. Then, during top 6 week, no matter what the category, I think Kristy Lee will finally get the boot as the truly crappy don't usually last beyond the top 6 (see kellie pickler). So now we're in the top 5 with the Davids, Brooke and Jason. It's at this point that hopefully Carly has achieved some long term goals: dressing like a young person, singing a string of happy songs, and changing her "if I lose I will kill myself in front of all of you" attitude. With these changes she can outlast Brooke at the top 5, survive the shocking elimination of David Cook in the final four, and squeak by Jason Castro into the finale. This would not be in the exact order I originally predicted but would still safely give me the office pool victory and isn't completely beyond reason.

On the other hand, Carly could scream "I'd Give My All" and get sent home tomorrow. But I'm holding out hope, that my Upper Grangerosnolvinshire....girl...will come through!

Idol's Top 8: "I caught something you may have done that's very inspirational on your hand."

2008-04-09T00:07:00.003-04:00

That subject line is a direct Paula quote from tonight. I love that Paula is someone for whom being absolutely trashed leads to such sophisticated recursive syntax.

But more importantly, Paula has donned her best taupe sausage casing for tonight, so you know it's all going to be very inspirational. Because of this and in tribute to recursion, I will be adopting the highly technical "inspirationalityness quotient" rubric for grading this evening.

Michael Johns gets on stage right quick, and is once again sporting an oh-so-current cravat under his shirt. What is with this guy? He has chosen "Dream On" as his inspirational song, and... of all the songs in the world, seriously? He explains that this song is inspirational to him because he came to this country with a dream. Just like Fievel. It's just okay, until the end when he sings some high notes that sound not unlike a bunch of girls who have just received some interesting Tyra mail. Inspirationalityness quotient: a "Hang in there" kitten poster.

Syesha Mercado smirks a bit about how Ramiele was the only one of the group who really "got" her, and wow, what a slam to all of the other contestants! Clearly Syesha is just way too complex for them. And also loves herself enough to choose a freaking coronation song from a previous season of Idol for her performance this week. She does that screeching Mariah thing we all love so much, and then argues with the judges about whether or not it's fair to compare her to Fantasia, and it makes about as much sense as arguing that your Christopher Walken impression should not be compared to the actual Christopher Walken. I really hope Syesha goes home this week, because I think given the context that this song would be hilarious as a sing-out. Inspirationalityness quotient: a chain email containing a poem about prom night.

Jason Castro sings "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" in the style of that guy from 50 First Dates, and sorry Mike, I just didn't get it. I just can't get over Jason's gaspy breathing and dopey faces, though I didn't think the vocals were that bad. What I did find funny is that although this version of the song uses "wrong" lyrics (or really, the right lyrics in the wrong places) intentionally, the wrong lyrics Jason was singing didn't appear to be the same wrong lyrics as in the recording... which made it seem like he was just randomly singing lines. Oh, also I hate him. Inspirationalityness quotient: an advertisement for new diabetes medication.

Kristy Lee Cook sings a song about how she's still on the show even though no one is voting for her. Inspirationalityness quotient: a sheet of limited edition Eleanor Roosevelt postage stamps.

David Cook wears a weird white marching band jacket and sings an Our Lady Peace song. There are two of us living in this apartment, BTW, and we constitute a cumulative 40% of People On Earth Who Have Ever Heard This Song Before. It's an odd choice, and in absolutely the wrong key. As he finishes singing, David walks up to the judges' table, and then reveals to the camera very seriously that he has written the words "GIVE BACK" in Sharpie on the palm of his hand. OH NO HE DIDN'T. WOW. OH WOW. THAT MAY JUST BE THE SINGLE MOST SELF-INDULGENT THING I HAVE EVER SEEN ON THIS SHOW. WHOA. I actually have to pause the TiVo to gape and marvel at the absolute gall of something so obnoxiously, balls-out self-important. I literally can't believe he just did that. It's disgusting. I LOVE IT. Inspirationalityness quotient: a very special episode of My So-Called Life.

Carly Smithson is going to sing "The Show Must Go On," and unless she plans to outdo Paris Bennett's totally fabulous and bizarre showstopper of a performance from two seasons ago, I am not interested. In a refreshing departure from the style missteps of weeks past, she is wearing... oh, nevermind, it's high-waisted pants again. Do you realize how few letters away her name is from being transformed into "Carnie Wilson?" Carly, you are on notice. Inspirationalityness quotient: a roast beef sandwich (no chips).

David Archuleta thought long and hard about what he was going to sing tonight, and finally decided on "The Thong Song." Which should make us all a little bit more aware of the struggles faced by people in the world who are unfairly burdened by dumps that are like a truck. Inspirationalityness quotient: "The Thong Song."

Brooke White is singing a song from Mike's favorite album of all time. It's not bad, but it doesn't really work. She needs a piano or a guitar for this, because the song is just not interesting enough musically - and Brooke doesn't have enough of a stand-out voice - to sing it just standing there at the microphone. Her hair is also aging her about twenty years right now. Overall, I'm unimpressed. Inpirationalityness quotient: a betassled hospital gift shop bookmark telling the story of a single set of footprints on the beach.

In summary...

These songs were only "inspirational" in the very loosest sense. Most people reached for things outside the range of their actual talent. David Cook repulsed and delighted me. Curiously, there was less mention of Our Lord and Savior this week than last. High-waisted pants are still trying to convince us they're back. Aaand Syesha is a giant bitch. You could have skipped this one! Good night!

Top 8: David Cook's Hand DEMANDS You Give Back

2008-04-08T21:07:00.003-04:00

So I, like Liz, must apologize for never writing about last week's Idol. I have a stupid incapacitating head cold that refuses to go away. On the plus side my illness has allowed me to skip a day of work (and write that awesome post about Battlestar Galactica!), and because the cold still won't go away I'm practically rolling on NyQuil. Seriously, I am like full-on Paula-Abdul-Season-4-clapping-like-a-seal-crying-when-Bo-Bice-sings kinda effed up right now. Soooo...this should be interesting.

Tonight is Idol Gives Back, so I am going to grade the singers based on how much their peformances make me wanna donate shit to people.

Michael Johns has really been on a roll lately which sucks for this guy ::points thumbs at self:: because he is not in the top 5 of my idol pool. My top 5, which I had to pick on the FIRST WEEK OF THE SEMIFINALS is 1) David Archuletta, 2) Carly Smithson, 3) David Cook, 4) Brooke White, 5) Jason Castro. Our pools works though that you only get points once the top 5 starts. You get 1 point for all the people in the top 5 you get right, 2 points for all those in the top four, and so on. Anyway my point is I'm excited Michael decided to scrap any kind of originality and just do a serviceable karaoke copycat version of "Dream On". Grade: Mabes I'll give some money to that homeless guy on 14th street who calls me "pretty lady" every morning.

Next up is Syesha Mercado. My favorite game with Syesha is to pick the schmaltzy over-the-top ballad she's going to sing before she tells us what it's going to be. You can try it at home it's fun! It's a lot like "Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader" because you always know the answer. Syesha is also like "5th Grader" because she's absolutely infuriating. She breaks so many Idol rules with her performance of "I Believe". 1) Never sing an Idol Winner song because they suck and everyone associates them with that year's winner. 2) NEVER EVER sing a song that people associate with Fantasia because it won't be as good as her performance. 3) Do not sing "I Believe" because it sucks and was only good because Fantasia transcended when she sang it. Anyway tonight continues to go well for my top 5 prospects, and bad for Americans who enjoy music. Grade: "Give me that change back, crazy 14th-Street homeless man!"

Jason Castro sings Israel Kamakamiwo'ole's (take that Asia'h!) version of "Somewhere Over the Rainbow". I can not stress how much I love this version of this song. My dad loves this song too. He listens to one radio station every Sunday morning because he knows they'll play it at some point in time, so he listens to that one station all morning. It's just heartbreaking, and uplifting, and perfect all at once. Needless to say I loved Jason's version too. In fact it was my first "Idol Moment" this season. Something I'll you tube forevs. Grade: How much do they need to provide irrigation for all of the Darfur region of Sudan? Because I'll pay for it.

So for the first time this season someone was pitchy during a song and Randy correctly told them they were pitchy. I knew Kristy Lee was here for a reason! She sang some song about God and praying and life being sucky but that's ok because God is the bomb.com. I'm excited that she sang passably because that means no sympathy votes and a potential elimination. But she did sing about God and praying so that could mean she's safe again. Grade: Ugh, fine, the change goes back to the homeless man.

David Cook considers himself the most important person in the world. Seriously he could not have been more self-important from his stupid white jacket, to his sad-face mugging for the camera, to his message written on his hand that he flashed to the camera "Give Back". More like give me back....those 90 seconds of my life...you just wasted. Asshole. Grade: I'm taking back my change AND I'm stealing the homeless man's shopping cart. I bet it's full of fun surprises! Seriously being homeless can't be that bad because you have that shopping cart full of crap you've been collecting forever. So when you dig through it's like christmas every time! Ooooo, new beer bottles! Someone's cashing these in and buying a twinkie! yaaaaay nyquiiiiiiiil.

What the eff is wrong with Carly Smithson? She was a lock for the top 2 and now she's dressing like a harajuku girl screaming Queen songs with no emotional connection. Sistah needs to step it up because she is #2 in my idol pool and daddy needs a new pair of kicks. Seriously Carly, what do you think I am one of those homeless people with their carts full of cool stuff? Not all of us have shopping carts full of coll stuff, Carly! Some of us need you to do well so we can win money in our office idol pools. Grade: I am willing to donate Carly some clothes and a few decent song choices...I bet I can find them in the homeless man's shopping cart.

David Archuletta has great diction...and I AM a sucker for great diction. I am also a sucker for this song (Robbie Williams "Angels"). He sings it fine, whatevs, the real important part of this sequence is a poster that is shown in the audience. The poster reads: Lick Those Lips. It has a picture of David Archuletta and lots of lips on it. It would be creepy enough if it was held by say, a teenage girl, but oh no. This sign is held by whats looks to be a 8 year old girl and her pedophile dad. Is Idol giving back to NAMBLA this year? Grade: I'd give a few old pairs of flair jeans to the goodwill.

The show ends with Brooke White, who's favorite album is Tapestry by Carol King. Tapestry is my favorite album of all-time. I thought Brooke sang this song just fine. It reminded me of a really nice high school talent show. Brooke and Paula share their love with one another...I share my love with NyQuil. Grade: I would donate some old VHS tapes to needy kids. Who wants the live-action "Rainbow Brite's Perfect Day at the Zoo"?!?!

OK, I think the bottom 3 will be Syesha, Kristy, and Michael Johns because they are the three people not in my top 5. Night!

Idol's Top 9: Jesus and Gravy

2008-04-07T18:59:00.001-04:00

Please forgive me for being nigh on a week late with this Idol synopsis. Last Tuesday night I was otherwise engaged, and have been sitting on these notes for days now. I know it's all old news at this point, but to quickly summarize:

Randy wore a sweater. Paula wore a fleurchon. Simon wore a flowing leopard print sundress and some espadrilles.*

Dolly Parton wore lamé, announced that her songs were her children, and demonstrated the proper use of acrylic nails as a musical instrument. In other words, she was amazing.

Brooke White was way off pitch most of the time and wore some high-waisted sailor pants. Is it just me, or is this season of Idol getting its entire wardrobe from Talbots? Except for Ramiele, who is shopping at the Limited Too, obvs. The best critique Paula can muster for Brooke White is "you are Brooke White." Seriously. That's what she said.

David Cook got a haircut and looked like he had bathed recently. The fact that I find him attractive right now is threatening to disqualify me from being a person, so that's all I'll mention about that. He sings "Little Sparrow," Randy compliments him on "going into the false," and I'm sorry, that is not an actual expression in musical terminology. Paula then says the same phrase. These two are unstoppable. Simon, meanwhile, hates songs about birds.

Ramiele Malubay was so terrible that every single person in my office pool got points for predicting her elimination.

Jason Castro actually wasn't as bad as usual, but he makes such slappable faces. It's a lot better listening with your eyes closed. Ryan reassures him afterward that at least Paula liked it... and I still don't know in what world that's supposed to be reassuring.

Carly Smithson sang "Here You Come Again," which is Dolly Parton's best song according to my painstaking evaluation of hundreds of 20-second iTunes clips. Simon told her she dresses unflatteringly, which was a) rude, b) true, and c) MY job. She sounded really great, though.

David Archuleta closed his eyes for quite a while during rehearsal of his song, and that's when it occurred to me - I would like this kid so much more if he were blind. Think about it. He sings. Dolly cries. Banshees wail. Randy lies and says he was the best tonight. Yaaawn.

KLC sang "Coat of Many Coloreds." I mean Colors. Yes. That.

Syesha Mercado warbled through "I Will Always Love You," and it was overwrought and obnoxious as usual. Simon said he wished she hadn't gotten that song. So that makes all of us.

Michael Johns wore an ascot. It was all wrong, but it was all right. Since I'm barely familiar with any of these songs, they all sound interminable. Thank God I TiVoed Hell's Kitchen!

On results night, they all bopped around singing "9 to 5," David Cook was adorable, and

OH MY GOD IS THAT ROBIN MCGRAW IN THE AUDIENCE?! I THINK IT IS!! YES!! OH MY GOD!! I LOVE HER!!

Ahem. Anyway.

The dancing is hilarious. They're doing some elaborate step-touches. Onto the eliminations...

Michael Johns is safe, of course, because he was wearing a magic ascot. Archu-D2 is safe, because of the Lord. Carly is safe because Simon was mean to her.

There is a "call-in" Q&A with viewers at home, which we all know is taped ahead of time, because we wouldn't want to risk dealing with such non-stop excitement during the live show. Seriously, why won't they just stop this already?

The Clark Brothers perform. Who in the hell are the Clark Brothers? Apparently they won that show, So You Think You Can Be America's Next Great Top American Band Project (with the Stars)... or something to that effect.

David Cook had a spike in his blood pressure. He is safe (for now). Ramiele is in the bottom 3. her outfit is atrocious. KLC is also in the bottom 3, and has brought a sign to hang on her stool. I do not find this funny. What I do find funny is how, when there is one stool remaining adjacent to hers, she carefully straightens it like this is her own house. Hilarious.

Now there's a segment about all of the wildly successfully ex-Idol contestants who now live in Nashville. By which I mean Bo Bice, Bucky Covington, and Phil Stacey. Ah, so now I know if I ever lose track of a super-creepy Idol contestant in the future, Nashville should be the first place I look for them. Jason Yeager, where are you living these days?

Syesha is third to last in the call-out order, so she is safe. Jason and Brooke are last. Brooke makes her bottom-lip-out "sad face," and Simon imitates it. A+. Brooke is in the bottom 3.

Then Dolly Parton comes out and sings a song that, when I read the episode synopsis online, I thought was called "Jesus and Gravy." Unfortunately it is called "Jesus and Gravity." Lame. Dolly is wearing, I don't know... you know, it's kind of like a Dolly Parton Halloween costume. She's gone meta! Meanwhile, the best description of the song comes from Jacob in the TWoP recap:

Because this song is awesome, it literally makes no sense
whatsoever, it's just like namedropping these things without connecting the dots
for you at all. "I got Jesus, I got gravity, I got the weak and strong
gravitational forces and Jesus, I got BOGO at Payless, I got a canker sore, I
got a DVD of Grey's Anatomy Season Two and a sandwich. A tomato
saaaaaaaaaaandwich!"

Needless to say, Brooke and KLC are safe, Ramiele goes home.

Idol Gives Back is this week!

* "flowing leopard print sundress and some espadrilles" is my new word for "black V-neck undershirt," BTW.

Frakking Awesome

2008-04-06T14:04:00.007-04:00

Almost 30 million people watch American Idol every week, over 20 million people watch a deaf lady try to dance on Dancing With The Stars, hell, over 1o million people watch America's Next Top Model, it's the most popular show on the CW (yeah I know being the most popular show on the CW is like being the world's tallest midget but whatevs). Anyway, I bring this up because a scant 2 million people watch what is by far one of, if not the, best show on television:

Wait! Don't run away! I know, I know the title makes you giggle, and yeah, I can hear you whispering, "Man, what a nerd" under your breath. But do not let the name Battlestar Galactica, or any memories of it's original, cheese-tastic, 1970's version scare you away. This is a total reinvention and it works. So what follows is my impassioned plea, 10 reasons why you should watch Battlestar Galactica (BSG):

1. This is NOT the 1978 Battlestar Galactica. That show had a cult-following; a horrible, nerdy, impenetrable, cult-following. If you weren't into the show from the beginning, the sight of hundreds of dweebs wearing robot helmets and talking about mythic warfare between humans and "cylons" probably didn't entice you to join up. Not to mention the fact that those dweebs didn't WANT you to watch. BSG became a Geek Badge of Honor. If you liked BSG you were really, truly, a social outcast. Also, the show itself was not good. Please never watch it.

2. This version is NOT just for scifi nerds. Yeah, it's on the scifi channel, yeah it involves spaceships and killer robots, but what it really is, once you strip away the location, and the overall plot, is an amazing TV Drama. The show focuses much more on the interaction between these characters than it does on new gadgets, or alien planets. It's not like Star Trek with it's weekly stand-alone episodes, always featuring a new alien-of-the-week. Everyone who watches this show cares just as much about the characters and their welfare as they do about discovering the answers to on-going mysteries. The black smoke monster never outshines the castaways on this ship.

3. Speaking of the characters, the actors on this show are awesome. Seriously, there are Oscar-nominated actors like Mary McDonell, and Edward James Olmos, and great young actors like Katee Sackhoff, James Bamber, and Grace Park. Not to mention guess stars like Lucy Lawless (yeah, Xena). Not only are they talented, they are given real human drama. I have been more moved watching these characters than I have by the characters on Grey's Anatomy, or Desperate Housewives.

4. All of this talk of great acting and human drama is not meant to argue that there is no action on BSG, or that it is void of science fiction, in fact, BSG probably has the best scifi writing, directing, and special effects ever seen on TV. Episodes can be packed with action: space battles, military ground warfare, harrowing rescues. And again it really does feature the best SFX that TV has ever seen.

5. The plot is very scifi, but that doesn't mean it isn't awesome. Stick with me here because it could be these next few sentences that send you scurrying to the latest repeat of Brothers and Sisters. In the universe of BSG humans have colonized 12 separate planets (they all started out on one called Kobol but they've moved out since then). They created intelligent robots called Cylons. The Cylons got self-aware and rebelled, as self-aware robots tend to do, and a war broke out between humans and robots. The war ends with a peace treaty and the cylons go off into their own part of the galaxy and are not heard from for 41 years. Unfortunately for the humans the cylons come back (they have evolved and look like humans now) and kill everyone. Everyone. They nuke every planet. Only 50,000 people survive and they have to constantly fight for their lives against the cylons. They are in search of a new home that is talked about in their religion called Earth. So there ya go, 50,000 people trying to find Earth and escape the killer robots.

6. The show uses scifi topics to tackle current events in ways other shows can't. First and foremost is the idea that the cylons look like humans and can infiltrate human society. It's a very pressing post 9/11 issue. Living in New York I know there can be a palpable fear that someone walking next to you on the street, or riding with you in the subway, could be a terrorist. As ridiculous or unfounded as those ideas are, they still exist. BSG tackles this issue with the new cylons, the new enemy, being just like us, being able to blend in. We, as a society, have started to fear and question our own, which is a scary path to follow. It also raises the issue of the dehumanization of the "other". Throughout the series we learn more about the cylons, and become attached to them, however, they literally start out dehumanized, they're robots. It's a commentary on the way we treat our enemies, how we make them pure evil, never learn their stories or try to understand their reasoning. BSG can directly tackle these ideas (and others like racism, freedom of speech, fair elections, capital punishment) because it is so detached in terms of its setting. It's a wonderful opportunity all scifi shows have but so few take advantage of.

7. There are powerful, hott ladies. They are everywhere on BSG. The best part is that it's not a statement. They're not saying, "Wow, look at these powerful female characters". They are just there. I love them. Here is a picture of their awesomeness:

8. There are powerful hott dudes. For all you ladies who need some man candy with your TV show I present:

This is Major Lee Adama (played by James Bamber), there are multiple scenes where he is equally clothes-free.

9. They use the word "frak". So this is probably the dorkiest reason I love this show. To get around the fact that they couldn't really swear because they were still on basic cable the BSG writers decided that instead of "fuck", these humans say "frak". You eventually get used to it becomes equally hilarious and effective. Also, you can use it in real life situations and not get in trouble. For example: "Frak you mom, I don't want mac n' cheese tonight" sounds a lot nicer than "FUCK you mom, I don't want mac n' cheese tonight."

10. Now that "The Wire" is off the air, it's probably the best show on TV. You deserve to watch the best show on TV.

Julia DeMato's Mom Better Check Herself

2008-03-25T22:50:00.002-04:00

My oh my. I really have nothing to add to the excellent recap Mike posted below, except to say STEP ASIDE, JULIA DEMATO'S MOM, because there's a new Julia DeMato's Mom in town, and her name is Chikezie Eze's Mom.

You may remember Julia DeMato as the season two finalist who got in a total bitchfight with Kimberly Caldwell that same year during Hollywood week. But more likely, you don't remember Julia DeMato at all... instead, you remember her mom. You know, the one who would be featured in the Coca-Cola lounge every week, each time wearing a completely distinct and coordinating velour-tracksuit-plus-matching-scally-cap ensemble. Julia DeMato's Mom was truly unforgettable, made more of an impression on that season of the show than Ruben Studdard did, and was the inspiration for the "WWJDMD?" t-shirts Mike and I wore throughout the rest of college. Never again did an American Idol contestant's mom touch my soul quite like that... UNTIL NOW.

I love you, Chikezie's Mom. If I didn't have what can only be characterized as a profound mental illness, I would love you even more than David Cook.

Idol Top 10: In Case You Forgot, You're Wicked Old

2008-03-25T20:25:00.005-04:00

Idol really got started in a hurry tonight! They marched the contestants right out, (and again apparently didn't tell them where to stand as 90% of the contestants were taking up 10% of the stage, leaving little Ramielle all alone stage left) and got down to business. I was tempted to just jump right into the review of the performers. That is, until I saw Ms. Paula Abdul and her amazing outfit. For those unfortunate ones who didn't get to see it, here is brief description: AHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!! Ok seriously though, it was this sleeveless sparkly mini dress with fingerless full-sleeved gloves complete with dozens of fake diamond bracelets. It was as if she was wearing a costume from Mad "Max: Escape from Thunderdome" by way of Lisa Frank. In honor of Paula tonight's grades will come in the form of her many hit songs: Opposites Attract (Amazing); Cold Hearted Snake (Great); Forever Your Girl (Good); Vibeology (Bad); The Diet Coke Song (so bad it's amazing)
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Onto the contestants! They are singing songs from the year they were born and first up is Ramielle Mulabay. Ramielle was born in 1987, and it was at this moment I quickly realized the entire point of this episode was to make anyone over the age of 24 feel INCREDIBLY OLD. Well played, Idol. Anwyay, Ramielle sings "Alone" and it is really screechy. I thought maybe her clear inability to sing this big song would finally get Paula off of the whole "you have such a huge, powerful, epic voice" trip she's been on, but I was wrong. Paula seems to be in full-on Season 4 addicted-to-painkillers mode (the outfit should have been a hint), and instead claimed that the performance showed Ramielle indeed could sing very loud...except she was sick...so don't be mad she sucked. Grade: Vibeology
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Jason Castro was also born in 1987. He says stupid things during his interview package, like every other week, and sings what I can only assume is the same song he's been singing for the past 4 weeks. I'm over him. The song itself is boring but "Forever your Girl", unfortunately he gets demoted because it's the same song he always sings. Grade: Vibeology
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Next up is Syesha Mercado who was also born in 1987! OK, how are Syesha and Ramielle the same age? Does anyone else find this shocking? Syesha tries to convince us she's young, hip, and crazy and not, you know, old, lame, and totally calculating in all her actions. She also unleashes her hellacious baby voice. Gross. Her song starts out really good, but her glory note in the middle is flaaaaaaat, and it ended weak. Randy creams his manties over it, which I don't understand. I thought it was 50% Cold Hearted Snake, and 50% Forever Your Girl.
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Oh Chikezie, your personality is starting to grow on me...and your mother is hilariously foreign. Also, you were born in 1985, which is much closer to the year of my birth. Unfortunately, I HATE you as a performer, especially when you sing ballads with titles like "If Only for One Night". Is there any doubt that this song was, at one time, a B side from a Color Me Badd casingle? This was laaaaaaaame, and Chikezie talked back to Simon again. Grade: Vibeology
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Brooke White is roughly the same age as I am, thank God, and she looked hilariously nerdy as a child, so she's already on my good side...until she forgets to sing her song and then sings the wrong notes and has to start again. Brooke, stop toying with my emotions! Brooke is fine but mostly I have to point out the utter hypocrisy of Randy Jackson. When Brooke sang "Love is a Battlefield", Randy's one complaint was that the band DIDN'T come in halfway through the song. This week, Randy's major problem was that the band DID come in halfway through the song. I bring this up because Randy has become incompetent. His weight an intelligence are decreasing at the same rate. When I was in 10th grade I had this chemistry teacher and she had recently lost all this weight and had become totally incompetent. All she did was look off into space listlessly and occasionally mumble something about cheeseburgers. This has to be what's happening to the Dawg. I miss fat, fairly reasonable and informed Randy, someone get that man a cheeseburger. Where were we? Oh right Brooke. Grade: Forever Your Girl
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Michael Johns was born in 1978!!!! YES!!!! Suck it, OLD MAN! Michael sings Queen and I thought he started out OK but ended the song really well. Really, really well actually. Huh. Grade: Cold Hearted Snake!
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Carly Smithson is, some way, somehow, younger than me...I going to go commit sepuku now. I feel a little less bad when they flash a picture of Carly looking retarded. I mean that literally, I don't like using that word to make fun of people. She actually looks like she's having a 23rd chromosome issue. Carly sings "Total Eclipse of the Heart" and it's fine but really stiff. Again Randy Jackson is a moron and says her final run was off-key which is completely wrong. You can say it was a bit screamy, or over-the-top, but it was not pitchy. I am boycotting Randy. I also feel really bad for Carly because she looks completely crestfallen and will probably kill herself if she doesn't win. Grade: Forever Your Girl Minus
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David Archuleta was born in 1990, although that would make him 17 going on 18 and I'm fairly sure he's 11. When David was little his mom taught him gay little dance numbers and dressed him up in gay little outfits...yaaaaaaaay. David sings a song I have never, ever heard before, although it sounds like a George Michael song mixed with a Phil Collins Disney soundtrack. It's pretty lame. And that's all I have to say about that. Grade: Vibeology
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Kristy Lee Cook is quite possibly the smartest competitor in the history of this show. She sings, I can't make this up, "God Bless the U.S.A." I say this in all honesty, it is THE smartest song choice in the history of this show. She knows her audience, she knows who's voting for her, and she sang a song they are going to eat up. There was a freakin' American flag waiving behind her the entire song! Is Karl Rove her manager? Next week she's going to sing "The Swiftboat Boogey", or maybe "Stem Cella ella ella ay ay", or "1 is The Loneliest Number...unless You're Gay and then it's the appropriate number because gay people shouldn't be allowed to get married". Grade: The Diet Coke Song

David Cook's scary-large baby head is not nearly as scary-large as it was when he was actually a baby. David sings "Billy Jean", and I think Liz gave me DC fever because I kind of love it. Scratch that, I totally love it. Grade: Opposites Attract

Well this was certainly an interesting night. I think we will see Ramiele, Chikezie, and...Carly(?) in the bottom 3. In the end Chikezie will leave us.

Idol Top 11: It's Like A Hot Tranny Mess Up In Here

2008-03-19T11:38:00.007-04:00

Welcome to the top 11! Before we get to the contestants, and their unintentional hilarity, I have a few quick points I have to make.

The idol stylists need to stop trying to make high-waisted pants happen. They're not going to happen. Stop being Gretchen Weiners to the "fetch" that is your high-waisted pants! I bring this up now because last night Ramiele Malubay's pants looked like they were trying to eat her head. Or maybe you were fashioning some kind of jean-onesie? Either way, this must end.
Maybe I have become spoiled by ANTM but don't the contestants on Idol this year seem a little too self-aware? I don't like that Carly knows that we all know she's a washed up industry has-been. I don't like that Jason Castro knows that we all know he's a hippie stoner. It sucks because they either try to defend themselves (like Carly) or play into what they think we want to see (like Jason). I liked it when Clay Aiken had no idea we all knew he was gay, and Taylor Hicks seemed blissfully ignorant that his heinous dancing insured that half the country hated him.

Anyway, onto tonight. It's Beatles night! Now you might be saying to yourself, "Wait a second. I thought they sang Beatles songs last week!" Well you would be wrong, my friend! Last week the Idols sang songs from the Lennon/McCartney songbook, this weeks it's any song by the Beatles. So, yeah, that does mean your favorite Ringo song might be on it's way. And, yeah, you're welcome. Idol also reminds us why the Beatles were awesome: they wrote great songs, they sold out Shea Stadium this one time, and they alllllllll had iPhones.
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In honor of the gayest catchphrase to ever sweep across America (see the title of this post), and because this week was truly, hilariously bad, I will be implementing a new grading system for the Idols: Tranny; Hot Mess; Tickity-tack Hot Mess Tranny From Transylvania Who Is Not Apologizing For It; and Good.
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Amanda Overmyer starts off the night and claims she wants to take a Beatles song, personify it, tease it's hair, and give it black eyeliner. I assume this is Amanda's answer to everything in life. Like when she's working as a respiratory nurse, and some old lady has a collapsed lung, Amanda responds by teasing her hair, giving her lots of eyeliner, and screaming "Back in the USSR" into her horror-stricken face. In Amanda's defense, this was her family portrait from childhood. Amanda also claims that her goal in this competition is to be able to sell-out a bar in Fayeteville, Indiana. You go girl! Keep on dreamin' big! Also, if after all that you still care about how she sang, let me assure you she was horrible. Grade: Tickity-tack Hot Mess Tranny From Transylvania Who Is Not Apologizing For It.
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Next up is Kristy Lee Cook. She lets us know that she keeps photo albums to remind her of the people she misses back home. I immediately bet my friend $100 that at least one of those pictures would be of her horse, and that is why I'll be buying a round of drinks for everyone tonight at Applebee's. Her performance is baaaaaaad. I wanted to just give her a grade of "Hot Mess" but that bedazzled garbage bag she stole from the set of "Liza With a Z" coupled with her proclamation that she could "blow you out of your socks" basically demands a rating of: Tranny. Also, when she promised Simon she would blow him out of his socks didn't anyone else think, "Oh! That's why she's still on the show!"?
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David Archuletta tells us his most memorable moment was when he forgot the lyrics to his song last week. I'm surprised the Idol producers aired this and didn't try to pretend the event never happened, like in "1984" when they burn all records of the past to control the present. David Archuleta never messed up. He's always perfect! 2+2=5!!! Anyway, David sings "The Long and Winding Road" so he can reflect on his arduous life...yeah. I am going to begrudgingly say this was Good as he technically sang it very well. But I don't understand why Amanda gets called out for being a one-trick pony, but David, who succeeds solely at melismatic, power ballads, is mana from the gods.
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Something kind of bizarre happens next. First Idol warns us that Kellie Pickler will be performing tomorrow night. Thanks for the heads up Idol, I will be bedooping my way through that catastrophe. Then Michael Johns reminds us about that one time he sang "Bohemian Rhapsody", which of course reminds me of that one time Kelli Pickler made my lfe. Then Michael does essentially what Pickler did 2 years ago and chops up a 6 minutes song into 1:30 seconds of crap. What a weird chain of events. Anyway, I feel like the Idol producers pulled one over on me in regards to Michael Johns. We were promised all these wonderful things and when we showed up it was all really disappointing...just like Colonial Williamsburg. Grade: Hot Mess.
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Brooke White is AWKWARD. Girl needs to park it behind a piano and NEVER LEAVE. Also, I loved how she was calming down the crowds when they booed the judges, she kept saying "it's ok, it's ok" while making the calm down hand gesture. Did she think a mob of angry Brooke White fans was going to storm the judges table? Brooke also seemed to delcaw the judges by agreeing so whole-heartedly with their criticism. Even when Paula tried to say it was ok, Brook was like "No way bitch, I sucked!" Grade: Hot Mess.
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So let's get real for a moment. For the past few weeks I have been hating on David Cook and his stupid too-big head and horrible haircut and scott-stapp wannabe voice and I hate him I HATE I HATE HIM!...so it may surprise you to know that I really liked his song this week! I thought it was fun, and I really enjoyed the vocoder as nobody has ever done that before on Idol. I'm sure next week he'll turn Donna Summer's "Bad Girls" into an emo ballad and we'll be enemies again, but for now Grade: Good.
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There are only 2 possible ways to describe whatever the hell it is Carly Smithson is wearing around her neck this evening: 1) it's an over-sized plastic party lei; 2) she went to the Angela Keslar Fashion House of Retarded Rosettes. When Carly started singing I was really impressed with her low range. It was strong and beautiful. In fact, if she had sung in this low register for the entire song she would have definitely received a Good. Unfortunately she must have attended the Syesha Mercado School of Banshee Wailing over the weekend because she murders this pretty little song in the final seconds thus resulting in her first: Hot Mess.
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Jason Castro's most memorable moment was when he butchered the final note of "Halelujah" and nobody called him on it. Not only do I find it unbelievable that the producers let this through, but I am amused with how unfamiliar Jason is with the idol machine. If the judges praise you no matter what, you're golden! The last thing you want to do is bring attention to it, because then they will start calling you on your crap. Anyway Jason sings "Michelle", poorly, and at this point he has, miraculously, become the rock heart throb of the season. This is horrible news for Michael Johns who now has no purpose on the show. Grade: Hot Mess.
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I think I have yet to write a positive word about our next contestant, Ms Syesha Mercado. Well, I guess there's a first time for everything because this was my favorite performance of the night. She never really yelled a single note, she was in tune the entire time, her tatas looked amazing, and she emoted well. I think I have been hard on Syesha this year because Idol didn't give me a single sassy-black girl who could sAng. It SHOULD be her, and she has been such a let down. But, at least for tonight, she made me happy. Grade: Good.
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I think Chikezie "playing" the harmonica was one of the funniest things I've ever seen on this show. Just to put this in context, if you were to go pick up a harmonica right now, and just blow into it for a few seconds, you would have surpassed what Chikezie did last night. I can not stand this guy. Viva La Noriega!!!
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Ramiele Mulabay goes last and, as I stated earlier, her pants are trying to devour her entire tiny body. Ramielle is not good. Also the judges need to stop telling her to sing bigger songs because of her HUGE VOICE. You know in Disney's Aladin when Robin Williams as the Genie is describing his situation and he says he has "PHENOMENAL COSMIC POWERS, itty bitty living space." That's how the judges view Ramielle's voice. She has a good voice. In fact, if you were just listening to her in some random club you'd probably say she has a great voice. But she is not the 2nd coming of Aretha Franklin. Aretha Franklin eats Cheetos the size of Ramielle for a mid-morning snack. Grade: Tranny (because of her outfit and 80lbs of lip gloss)

So who goes home? I think the bottom 3 will consist of Michael Johns, Amanda Overmyer, and Kristy Lee Cook. In another stunner I think Kristy Lee will survive and Aussie Michael Johns will get kangaroo kicked back to the land of Oz.

Idol's Top 11: Big Bird Singin' in the Dead of Night

2008-03-18T22:39:00.004-04:00

Tonight we revisit my fave theme ever on opposite day, and I have to say, I actually liked it better than last week. Oh, don't get me wrong, it sucked. But the entertainment value was much, much higher.

Ryan introduces each contestant individually at the top of the show. They are all lined up on the two staircases like these bizarre Stepford wives. That had to be someone's last minute idea, because every contestant looks seriously uncomfortable with it. Either that, or maybe they all already know how their performances are going to go. It should be noted here that Syesha has brought two incredibly prominent breasts with her tonight. Maybe she's going to sing one of those Beatles songs with three-part harmonies.

Meanwhile, Randy is already yawning (I feel ya, dawg), and Paula is wearing one of my grandmother's favorite outfits circa Christmas '94. Not content to simply look like a senior citizen, she offers some opening remarks about how the contestants should approach these songs with "gumption." Well I'll be!

Amanda Overmyer sings "Back in the U.S.S.R." and accomplishes an astounding feat in that she doesn't get a single note right. Like, her achievement of that is better than chance - if you programmed a machine to randomly produce tones in the same rhythm as "Back in the U.S.S.R.," that machine would hit more correct notes than Amanda does here. Later, when talking back to the judges, she accidentally (?) says "shit" on live TV. As in "that shit looks like fun!" Shit yes, it does.

Kristy Lee Cook tries desperately to be kept on the show by showing us pictures of her dog, who, in television footage of a 4x6 still photo, looks about 100 times more charismatic than Kristy Lee Cook. She tells us from now on, she's just going to "sing with her heart," which, considering the success she's had so far by singing with her voice, might not be such a bad idea. It's a total trainwreck anyway. She's wearing a Glad bag, and in her bit of what will become customary unnecessary post-performance babbling from all the contestants tonight, she mixes idioms to hilarious effect, announcing that if she's still here next week she will "blow you out of your socks." Well, if you think it'll help...

David Arugula (I refuse to contribute further Google hits to his actual name) sings "The Long and Winding Road." He sounds really good, but at this point I would be remiss not to point out that this is partly because every other male contestant who could sing really well has been sent home by now. So there's that. This song is a dumb choice. He's singing about how "many times [he's] been alone, and many times [he's] cried," and it's cute and all, but... do any of us seriously think this 17-going-on-12 pageant kid has done anything "many times" at this juncture in his life? Throughout his critique, David displays a bashfulness unbecoming of someone old enough to drive.

Michael Johns has the first surprisingly bad performance of the night. He's singing "A Day in the Life" and says that it was tough to cut it down to a minute and a half, but he's going to show us "all the best parts." Someone get me a fresh Diet Coke! It's kind of like... the Cliffs Notes to "A Day in the Life." Or... okay, you know the Kidz Bop version of "Pon de Replay"? It's more like that.

Michael's catastrophe has nothing on what's about to happen to Brooke White. She has chosen to sing "Here Comes the Sun," the most lyrically and vocally boring song in the Beatles catalogue. Brooke, bless her heart, can't help but be disgustingly literal about the whole thing, wearing a hideous yellow Big Bird costume of a dress, and I hate to make Elaine Benes references twice in one month, but that really is the only possible source of inspiration for the way she's moving across the stage. She even lets a "woo!" slip out, and this is, you know, this is Taylor Hicks on a bad night. It reminds me of when some poor pretty girl works for a local fast food chain and has to spend summer afternoons on a street corner dressed as an enchilada and singing the company's jingle to passersby.

I keep hoping David Cook will just say fuck it and mold his combover into some glorious Ace Ventura monstrosity and be done with it. He sings "Daytripper" accompanying himself on the electric guitar and the vocoder. I freaking love it. Simon pipes in to remind me that David Cook is retarded, predictable, smug, and has a big ugly beady-eyed baby head. Simon, it's too late. I need to be institutionalized.

You know, Carly Smithson actually does have a great voice when she's not straining to hit notes she shouldn't. Especially if you ignore her perpetually angry singing faces and recurrent maternity wardrobe apparently designed by one Angela Keslar. Simon hates it because it's a song about a blackbird. Literally, that's what he says. Carly then embarrassingly spouts off about how the song means so much to her because she's such a desperate and washed-up old industry hag whose dreams have all turned to dust. I feel like Angela Lansbury could totally play Carly in the movie of Carly's life.

Jason Castro sings "Michelle" and has to be taught phonetically how to speak French for it. Dude, why not work on acting as if you understand the lyrics of a song in your native tongue first? Whatever, he can't be dissuaded. Okay, so at my high school, we used to have "German Night" every semester, where every student who was taking German classes would invite their family to come to the school one evening, and we would serve "traditional German food" and perform awkward little songs and skits auf Deutsch. Jason's performance reminds me a lot of those days. Even Paula says aftrward that she felt awkward. Do you have any idea what it takes to make Paula feel awkward? Her entire life operates at a three-drink minimum. Good Christ, Jason.

Syesha Mercado sings "Yesterday," and then introduces the guitarist, Paul. Paul was really great on this song.

Chikezie's favorite Beatle is John Lennon. That's really sweet, because I bet John Lennon would say Chikezie is his favorite American Idol contestant. You just know Lennon is DialIdol-ing Chikezie from the great beyond, or at least texting the word "VOTE" as many times as his messaging plan will allow. Chikezie sings "I've Just Seen a Face," and I am fully in love with him, in that mid-nineties Hootie and Adam Duritz kind of way. He has learned to play the harmonica just for this song, and his harmonica playing is exactly the same degree better than Jason's French speaking as Kristy Lee Cook's dog is better than Kristy Lee Cook. Simon calls it "gimmicky," and I rest assured that some kind of electro-convulsive therapy must be in my future.

Ramiele Malubay goes last, and fine, I take back everything I said about how she's going to win. It sucks, because she does have one of the best voices remaining in the competition, but girl just cannot get her shit together. Her outfit tonight is supremely distracting, it's like they gave her access to the costume closets from Xena: Warrior Princess and Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego and then told her "okay, looks good, just please wear a yellow t-shirt underneath. Yes. Greeeat."

So, to recap -

Bad: Amanda, Syesha, Brooke
Real Bad: Michael, Jason
Good: David Cook, Carly, Chikezie
Have already forgotten: Ramiele, Kristy Lee Cook, Arugula
Voting for: Kristy Lee Cook's dog

The Top 12: Just Some Quick Thoughts

2008-03-12T16:38:00.003-04:00

So I'm still a little burnt-out from writing my Idol Epic over the weekend and because of that I will just be giving a few quick thoughts on last night's performance.

"Man, they really laid it down man." Randy said this about Sir Paul MCcartney and effing John Lennon. Does that seem just a little silly to anyone else? He's talking about, arguably, the greatest songwriting duo of all time as if they're an Idol contestant who just finished a rockin' rendition of "Midnight Train to Georgia." You can't talk about The Beatles in the same way you talk about Clay Aiken, Randy! You just can't.
Does Amanda Overmyer wear her hooker make-up and Elvira hair everywhere?! Idol followed Amanda on one of her "respiratory nursing" trips and bitch had her face on. "Are you breathing OK", Amanda angrily demanded to know of the unsuspecting elderly patient, who could have only been thinking, "Why is Zombie-Priscillia-Presley concerned about my respiratory health?"
I thought Chikezie was great in the same way I thought Taylor Hicks was great.
I thought David Cook destroyed my favorite Beatles' song. Seriously, I actually watched it again after Simon was so effusive to see if I had been wrong...I'm sticking with my guns on this. Loved his song last week, thought this was a musical abortion
Kristy Lee Cook was not just awful, she was hilariously awful. Liz's description of that song is EXACTLY what I was thinking. It reminded me of that episode of Saved By The Bell when they join the glee club and suck so they lip sync over a different pre-recorded chorus. But then the tape messes up and they have to sing really fast like chipmunks. Yeah, it was just like that.

Lat night I enjoyed the performances of Brooke White, Carly Smithson, Michael Johns (surprisingly), and I guess Amanda Overmyer, and Jason Castro.

I'm actually thinking someone boring and NOT someone awful will be going home tonight. I am predicting the exit of Ms. Syesha Mercado who will be in the bottom 2 with D-Nandez. Yes, I do think Kristy Lee will live to see another week, hopefully it'll be Mariah Carey night and she can turn "Vision of Love" into a country ho-down!

Idol's Top 12: Hey, You've Got to Hide Your Ability to Sing Away

2008-03-11T22:04:00.004-04:00

UGGH!

You know, it shouldn't come as a surprise that the Beatles night American Idol waited seven years for, when it finally happened, was a thousand times suckier than last year's "British Invasion" theme that featured basically every conceivable artist BUT the Beatles. Alas, it is true. Tonight sucked bad. Why? With a couple of notable exceptions, every single song chosen was either:

a) a great song, impossible to reinterpret satisfactorily, or
b) a shitty song, not worth attempting to interpret because it's shitty.

But first, some important announcements from Ryan. There are new opening credits. They look a lot like the old opening credits, but - dare I say - even more cheap and cheesy-looking... like the result after someone's Dad spent Christmas afternoon futzing with the family's new, user-friendly opening credits creator software. There's a new set. It looks a lot like the old set, but with a mosh pit. I'm like, FINALLY, after years of my strongly-worded letter writing campaign, they finally got on that mosh pit thing. Thank God. Because you know, for a while there, I couldn't mosh to these songs.

Most importantly, this week marks the transition into a new phase of the competition, and the point at which the contestants traditionally receive makeovers. Unfortunately for us, Tyra Banks and horse's manes remain uninvolved.

Syesha Mercado performs first. Syesha's makeover has been given to her courtesy of one Vanessa Huxtable. She sings "Got to Get You Into My Life." The performance is typical of tonight, in that it sucks. Simon tells her it's better than last week, which is a lie. Oh, yay. I can tell I'm going to love tonight.

Chikezie is next. Chikezie's makeover consists of an argyle vest. He and Ryan reminisce about how he really thought he was going home instead of Danny last week, and for a minute I think he's about to be Melissa McGhee'd. Oh, I could not have been more wrong. He starts the song on the floor with a small bluegrass band, consisting of a banjo, a fiddle, and a tambourine. Then suddenly here we've got Chikezie, with his perfectly Ruben Studdard voice and appearance, borrowing an outfit from Blake Lewis, copping Katharine McPhee's on-the-floor-with-the-band opening from "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree" and then doing a routine straight from the Taylor Hicks Dance Academy while the audience flips out and all mic stands within a six mile radius cower in fear. The overall effect is TOTAL CHAOS. I am rendered speechless by the highest concentration of Idol self-reference I have ever seen on stage at one time, Ryan Seacrest is stammering and sputtering to get the numbers out and really, the whole thing is awesome.

Ramiele Malubay has not received a makeover, it seems. But no matter, what happens next is a walking embodiment of every reason I was dreading Beatles night. She sings "In My Life" and dedicates it to the friends she's made on the show who have left (read: all of them). I might have to switch horses in my office pool now, because this performance is just unforgivable, and the judges say as much. Remember Billy Joel night, when Carmen Rasmusen sang "And So It Goes"? Okay, the vocals aren't as bad as that, but the overall effect is. F minus.

Jason Castro failed music. I might have to stop blogging about his performances, because I feel a seriously irrational amount of hatred toward this guy ever since the "Hallelujah" debacle. Here's the thing: this was, at one point, a show about singing. Jason is not a good singer. At all. His technique is not flawed; it is nonexistent, and it seems, purposely so. Like that's his thing, is to not really be able to sing well. Now, in the real world, plenty of people have become legendary songwriters and performers without having good voices. But you have to have something, and Jason has nothing. Sure, he looks like he has something, with the hippie hair, and the guitar playing, and the goofy shy whatever, but those little souvenirs of what individuality supposedly looks like do not add up to the type of personality, the type of artistry, and the type of sheer star power you need to have in order to get away with not being able to sing. Paula, on the other hand, "can feel [his] heart." I give up.

Carly Smithson and Amanda Overmyer are roommates. This suprises me not in the least, because they both look and act like 45-year-old alcoholic divorcees. Carly says she's going to sing "Come Together" and really change it up. She then does, you know, the opposite of that. I don't get it. This song was originally recorded as a funk/rock song, with electric guitars, and some yelling. She sings it as a funk/rock song, with electric guitars, and some yelling (although in her case it's throaty, Sheryl Crow style yelling). Is this changing it up... because she's female? Because she's wearing a blue dress? Or is there some softer, gentler version of "Come Together" that all of the judges are more familar with and that's why they're so blown away by this? OH MY GOD BEATLES WEEK SUCKS SO BAD.

David Cook sings "Eleanor Rigby," and he does "change it up." Maybe that's what Carly said in her interview: "David Cook is going to really change it up tonight. I, meanwhile, am going to look old and desperate as usual," and they just edited it funny? David Cook's makeover involves him either growing a soul patch, or having one glued onto him. He' snot attractive, and I have trouble looking at him and his big baby head, but the performance is good. Actually, I love it. Only on a theme night whose idea is so inherently bad could my two favorite performances come from Chikezie and David effing Cook.

Brooke White sings "Let It Be," and while she's as subpar a singer as Jason Castro, she has actual, detectable substance, and while it suffers from the same problems by nature as the rest of this insufferable Beatles night, hers is one of the only performances that doesn't make me want to gouge my own eyes out. She really is lovely. There's a big sign in the audience with a picture of the twins she used to care for, that says "We [heart] Brooke but we miss our nanny!" and I actually get a little choked up because, man, how did those two infants make such a good poster?! She must be an awesome nanny.

David Hernandez had a "makeover" in that his former job as a fully nude gay stripper was removed from history and replaced with a totally lame former job as a server in a pizza bistro. D-Nandez apparently took an entire course on the Beatles in college, and so, armed with his vast knowledge of the history, context and implications of the entire Lennon/McCartney catalogue, he chooses to sing... "I Saw Her Standing There." Umm. Yeah. He really should have dropped that class. It is supremely ungood. This performance reminds me of when John McCain lost the 2000 primary and then spent the next eight years systematically abandoning every single thing about him that I liked. Like John McCain and I in early 2005, D-Nandez and I are now officially in a fight. I HATE BEATLES WEEK.

Amanda Overmyer's makeover involved one curling iron and the entire cast of Steel Magnolias. She has heard her song, "You Can't Do That," for the first time ever this week, and that makes both of us. I was thinking, there has got to be some serious cash incentive for letting the producers saddle you with a crappy or obscure song you didn't really choose, because who in their right mind would actually select a song they had never heard before, from a list of some of the most well-known songs in 20th century musical history? Maybe Amanda was smart here, though, because the fact that I don't know this song makes it an order of magnitude more palatable to me than most other things we've heard tonight. Well played, Amanda.

It is at this point that I ran out of ba-doops.

Michael Johns sings "Across the Universe." It is exactly as expected, with constipated faces and all. David Hernandez really should have sung this song. It's not that bad though, and may in fact be my favorite Michael Johns performance... I mean, I know that's like being the funniest appearance by Carrot Top in a television commercial, but still.

Kristy Lee Cook talks at incredible length about how she is a country girl, and we see even more footage of her riding horses and training for cage-fighting. We get it. Her performance of "Eight Days a Week" is utterly hilarious - she has reimagined it as a country song, which in theory should be a good application of feedback the judges have given her, but in actual execution sounds like one of those songs that plays in the background during a wacky montage in some buddy comedy when the main characters are experiencing a serious of hilarious misunderstandings in a small town in the South somewhere. For this, I kind of love her. Who would have thought that Kristy Lee Cook would be my Kevin Covais of 2008? She "farts with her eyes" throughout the entire performance, and Simon rightly calls it horrendous. I call it my new ringtone.

David Archuleta goes last, to absolutely no one's surprise. He explains that he doesn't really know the Beatles' music (oh man) and accordingly, will be singing the Stevie Wonder version of "We Can Work It Out." Do you already know where this is going? He chooses a key that is SO too low for him that the first few words of every line disappear completely, but that becomes secondary when he then proceeds to forget half the words to the song anyway. MCGHEE'D! It's really awful no matter how much the judges try to skirt the issue of how awful it really was, and we end the night with a level of suckage approximately equal to that with which we started.

Well, I'm glad they finally got that Lennon/McCartney catalogue. That was some really great TV right there, on opposite day. The good news for the contestants is that their odds of being voted out (1/12) have decreased dramatically since last week (1/4). The bad news for me is that I had to watch this show, and that I'm now living in an unsettling version of reality where the most enjoyable performances of the night came from Chikezie, David Cook, and Kristy Lee Cook. Join us tomorrow night, when the Pope ceases to be Catholic.

Best Top 12 Evs?

2008-03-08T22:02:00.008-05:00

One thing we have been hearing this season, on a rather consistent basis, is that this is the most talented group of contestants ever. Now, if it was just Randy and Paula saying this it would be one thing because they actually say it every season. But the producers seem pretty intent on ramming it down our throats with ridiculous statements like "We finally get to use the Lennon/McCartney song book because the contestants are just so talented they couldn't refuse." As if they legal team in charge of those songs had a meeting that went like this:
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Corporate Lawyer One:

Good evening gentlemen, I know every year American Idol asks us to use the songbook but I really think we should consider it this time.

Corporate Lawyer Two:

I don't know. Didn't we already decide that these songs were too precious to be potentially butchered in some karaoke contest? That's why we only allow them to be used in commercials for the Olympics, invest banks, sneakers, toilet paper, and TrimSpa.

Corporate Lawyer One:

I know but have you heard the contestants this year? They are just so talented!

Corporate Lawyer two:

OMG I know! And little David Archuletta is just so precious! OK, let's do it!!!

Anyway, I thought the best way to judge just how great these contestants are would be to compare them to the other 6 groups of finalists. I will split them into guys and girls and then rank each season 1-7. Important note: I will not be factoring in success after Idol. If that was the case then obviously seasons 1, 3, and 4 would have considerable advantages having produced Grammy and Oscar winners. We'll just be looking at how good the contestants were within the season in which they participated. Let's start with the guys!

Season 1 Guys: Justin Guarini, RJ Helton, A.J. Gill, Jim Verraros, Ejay Day.

I can not stress how craptastic, and gay (homosexual gay, not stupid gay) this group of contestants was. In fairness this was Idol's first season and they didn't have the reputation to pull in a lot of talented people but good lord these guys were bad. The top 10 performances by both Ejay Day and Jim Verraros would now get them spots as one of the "so bad they're funny" contestants. Not to mention Ejay Day's face is scary and he spells his first name E-J-A-Y. Gross. AJ Gill was so bad I can't even find a clip of him on youtube to prove how bad he was, and RJ Helton and Justin Guarini were passable singers with no charisma. This was by far the easiest decision. Rank: 7th

Season 1 Girls: Kelly Clarkson, Tamyra Gray, Nikki McKibbin, Christina Christian, Ryan Starr.

This season of women is surprisingly strong considering it was Idol's first. Obviously Kelly Clarkson has had a strong career since Idol, but she was so darn likable and talented that I'm pretty sure she could have come close to winning, if not outright win, in any other season. Also, Kelly wasn't even the most talented girl that season; that title goes to Tamyra Gray who absolutely owns this rendition of "A House is Not a Home." Christina Christian was harmless and beautiful, and yeah Nikki McKibbin and Ryan Starr kinda sucked but all in all this was a good group. Rank: 3rd

Season 2 Guys: Clay Aiken, Ruben Studdard, Josh Gracin, Rickey Smith, Corey Clark, Charles Grigsby

So this group is odd because of the insane drop off between the 2 great contestants and the 2 OK ones, and again between the 2 good ones and the 2 insanely bad ones. However because the 2 great guys, Clay and Ruben, were so great this season, (and yeah I know their careers tanked afterwards and now Clay Aiken is playing a supporting role in Spamalot) I ranked them pretty high. If you don't believe how awesome Clay Aiken or Ruben could be on any given night please watch Clay sing "Bridge Over Troubled Water", and Ruben sing "Superstar". And yeah Corey Clark was most well known for getting arrested during the season and the other guys were boring but whatevs. Rank: 3rd

Season 2 Girls: Kimberly Locke, Kim Caldwell, Julia Damato, Carmen Rasmussen, Trenyce, Vanessa Olivarez

This group should have had one major addition in the form of Frenchie Davis. Unfortunately Frenchie flashed her titays all over the interweb so she was disqualified (In case you were wondering that does indeed mean you can be a gay nude male stripper but you can't show your chest). The only good contestant here (in terms of actual talent not level of comic relief provided by their mom - I'm talking about you Julia Damato) was Kimberly Locke. Carmen Rasmussen had a goat vibrato, Kim Caldwell was a bitch, Trenyce had no last name, and who the hell is Vanessa Olivarez? If we were ranking this season based on hilarity of a contestant's mom obviously these girls would be near the top thanks to the hard work of Julia Damato's hat-wearin', scene-stealin', stylin' and profilin' madre. Alas im judging on talent so...Rank: 7th

Season 3 Guys: George Huff, John Stevens, Jon Peter Lewis, Matthew Rogers

You may have noticed that there only 4 guys listed. This was before Idol mandated that there had to be 6 guys and 6 girls in the finals and the contestants were so weak that only 4 qualified. I almost ranked them 7th but only one of these guys, John Stevens, was truly horrible so they escaped. Seriously these guys were all really boring and there's nothing more to say about them. Rank: 6th

Season 3 Girls: Jennifer Hudson, Fantasia Barrino, LaToya London, Diana DeGarmo, Jasmine Trias, Amy Adams, Camile Velasco, Leah LaBelle

This season contains my favorite Idol contestant of all-time: Ms Jennifer Hudson. It also featured the "Battle of the Divas" which produced this trifecta of amazingness from Ms. Hudson, Ms. Barrino, and Ms. London. In fact J-Hud's verison of weekend in New England is my favorite idol performance of all-time. Diana DeGarmo was pretty good too. I don't think any crop of girls will replace this one as my all-time favorite. Rank: 1st

Season 4 Guys: Bo Bice, Anthony Federov, Scott Savol, Constantine Maroulis, Anwar Robinson, Niko Smith

I have to admit that this was, overall, my least favorite season. I thought there were lot of blah contestants on both sides of the gender aisle. I attribute this to the fact that Carrie Underwood auditioned and they realized she was destined to win so they surrounded her with crap so she could breeze through. Anyway this group should contain Mario Vazquez but he quit and, like the season 2 girls, the absence of probably the most talented contestant really hurts. Bo Bice tried his best but these guys were seriously lacking which you may have realized when you read their names and thought, "Wait, who?" Rank: 4th

Season 4 Girls: Carrie Underwood, Vonzell Solomon, Jessica Sierra, Nadia Turner, Lindsey Cardinale, Mikalah Gordon

This season actually seems really similar to the current crop of female talent. There is one really good girl who seems destined to outlast all the rest (re: Carrie and Carly) and already has a recording-studio quality voice (or in Carly's case actually already had a record deal) and then a bunch of boring people. None of these girls were that great and, beside Nadia Turner's bitchin' faux-hawk and Mikalah Gordon's uncanny resemblance to the Nanny named Fran, none of them were memorable. In fact, besides Carrie's pretty awesome version of "Alone", I challenge you to find me one truly great performance form these girls. Rank: 6th

Season 5 Guys: Chris Daughtry, Taylor Hicks, Elliot Yamin, Ace Young, Bucky Covington, Kevin Covais

Without actually doing the research I feel pretty safe in asserting that this group of gentlemen have sold more records than any other group of male finalists. Daughtry has sold a couple million records, I'm pretty sure Elliot Yamin's album went gold and Taylor Hicks...realesaed a record? I think? But, as I stated earlier, post-show success is now how we measure these things. Season 5 was Idol's highest rated season and Hicks (even though I hated him), Daughtry (who was boring) and Yamin (love) were a big part of that. They were each unique and talented and probably rank among the best male contestants ever, all in the same season. Also, Ace Young gave me the vapors. This was a really hard decision, where does this season place? I think the names "Bucky Covington" and "Kevin Covais" preclude me from listing them first. Rank: 2nd

Season 5 Girls: Katharine McPhee, Paris Bennett, Kellie Pickler, Mandisa, Lisa Tucker, Melissa McGee

Season 5 really had some strong contestants! In terms of overall singing talent these girls weren't all amazing (Kellie Pickler singing Bohemin Rhapsody anyone?) but they were all really entertaining. I actually think Lisa Tucker could have been Jordin Sparks if she had just auditioned a year later, Paris Bennett was great, Mandisa was good (but she hates the gays so we have to deduct points there), and Katharine McPhee gave one of the best idol peformances ever. This was really close but I couldn't put them ahead of my season 3 girls and, as Liz posted earlier, Melissa McGee was horrible and we have to at least asknowledge she existed. Rank: 2nd

Season 6 Guys: Blake Lewis, Chris Richardson, Phil Stacey, Sanjaya, Chris Sligh, Brandon Rogers

Man this was not a good group of guys. I had completely forgotten about Brandon Rogers and this was only 1 season ago. Chris Richardson, when told by Simon that he was too nasally, belssed us with this gem: "Nasally is a type of singing you know." Yeah a bad tpye of singing. In Chris's defense he did have a #1 hit on the Adult Contemporary Nasal charts just last week. Blake was fine but Chris Sligh and Phil were pretty lame, and Sanjaya was...well...AWESOME. Unfortunately he was awesome in the meta-ironic-enjoyment way and not in the actually-being-talented way. Yowza. Rank: 5th

Season 6 Girls: Jordin Sparks, Melinda Doolittle, Lakisha Jones, Gina Glocksen, Haley Scarnato, Stephanie Edwards

This top 6 split pretty evenly between the 3 really good contestants (Sparks, Dolittle, Jones) and those other 3 girls. Haley Scarnato gets some bonus points from me for realizing that she could stay in the competition by showing off her gams and then proceeding to get more naked every week. But really there were only 3 good girls this season, and 2 of them looked like Shrek. Rank: 4th

Season 7 Guys: David Achuleta, David Cook, David Hernandez, Michael Johns, Jason Castro, Chikezie

It is going to be hard to rank this season as we have yet to see what these contestants will do in the finals but I think there's a good idea of what they're capable of and what they've done so far. So are these really the most talented guys ever? Juding on talent, uniqueness, and potential to win, I think I have to say...yes. I would not be suprised if David A, David C, or Michael won this whole thing. It's conceivable that Daivd Hernandez could catch fire or Jason Castro's brand of indie-hippie-folk-rock somehow survives the inevitable Latin or Disco Night. The only guy here who has NO chance of doing well is Chikezie and I actually think he'd fare much better in almost any other season. These guys are as unique as season 5 but, overall, have more singing talent. The Idol graveyard is littered with untalented boys, so maybe being the most talented group of guys is like being the world's tallest midget, or the highest rated show on the CW, or the least gay member of A Chorus Line. Still, these guys seem to be the best. Rank: 1st

Season 7 Girls: Carly Smithson, Brooke White, Ramiele Mulabay, Syesha Mercado, Amanda Overmyer, Kristy Lee Cook

Well the guys have proved the Idol Producers right, what about the girls? Alas, the forecast is nto so sunny. As I mentioned earlier when discussing season 4 there is one girl who is clearly better than everyone else (Carly), and then a bunch of "blah" contestants. I think the one excpetion with season 7 is Brooke White who has managed to string together 2 pretty great, melisma-free, classy peformances (including my favorite performance by a girl this season). But c'mon, does anyone believe she could actually win? Does anyone think ANY of these girls can win besides Carly? I say no. Rank: 5th

So let's review the rankings for the guys:

Season 7
Season 5
Season 2
Season 4
Season 6
Season 3
Season 1

And for the Girls:

Season 3
Season 5
Season 1
Season 6
Season 7
Season 4
Season 2

So how does this all add up? Well if you assign point values to each season based on their rank, then the lowest number would give you the most talented season. For example: Season 4 got a rank of 6 for the girls and 4 for the guys, which would give them a score of 10. So let's add it up and see what we get!

Season 5 (4 points)
Season 7 (6 points)
Season 3 (7 points)
Season 6 (9 points)
Season 4 (10 points)
Season 2 (10 points)
Season 1 (10 points)

So there you have it. Based on my completely scientific, and irrefutable analysis the most talented season was actually season 5. I hope you have enjoyed this little jaunt through idol history. OH! One last thing. RIP Danny Noriega, you were by far the best part of this season!

Idol's Top 16: The Least Shocking Results Show Ever

2008-03-06T21:03:00.003-05:00

Tonight on American Idol: everyone your coworkers predicted would go home, goes home. The tears and Ryan Seacrest's suspense-building pauses, however, come standard - so get used to it.

The show opens with a special guest performance by Blake Lewis, and how sad is it when the fame achieved by runners-up on American Idol is, as a rule, greater than that achieved by the actual winners? Granted, seasons 1 and 4 are major exceptions; I really don't think Justin Guarini's phone is ringing off the hook these days. But still. Anyway, here's Blake, with (a newly contact-lensed?) Chris Sligh in his band, Jamiroquaing around the stage, singing about how he's through with you. He's great, if you're the kind of person who wishes Justin Timberlake would just collaborate with Keane already. Oh. You are? Point taken. Blake is through with you either way, though. BTW, I want to be the first to point out that the bridge of this song is identical to the verses in "Don't Stand So Close to Me" by The Police.

Blake tells this year's kids to be true to themselves. Unless "true to themselves" involves using apostrophes inappropriately, possessing a weird girly-man voice, having a permanently bitchy-looking face, or being a flaming, prancing, Z-snapping homosexual... in which case they may want to try something different.

The next 50 minutes will involve a whole lot of pregnant pauses that do nothing to infuse the totally unsurprising announcements of who's out and who's safe with an element of, err... surprise. It fails in all but two cases. Accordingly, I will share my reactions to each announcement on a scale of "DUH!," "DURR!," and "Whaaat? Glaaadiator!".

Ryan first announces that Paula's music video is number one on iTunes. Since I can't imagine that thousands of people love that video ironically, this kind of makes my brain explode.

David Cook is called up first. Ryan mentions that he spoke to Lionel Richie on the phone today, and Lionel loved David's performance. Whoa. Is Ryan Seacrest in Lionel Richie's fave five or something? I bet Simon is dying a little on the inside right now. Dear Lionel Richie Diary, he'll write later, Today Lionel Richie totally snubbed me. He like, texted Ryan to talk about his feelings. And he knows I have unlimited nights and weekends! Did our chance encounter at Whole Foods mean nothing? I hate Lionel. I hate him, and we are no longer "Kashi Good Friends."

Anyway, David Cook is in. My reaction: DURR!

David Archuleta is up next. He stands up with the usual "Goll-y! You mean me?!" grin that I so love on opposite day, and is pronounced safe. My reaction: DURR! Also, I threw up in my mouth a little. And it really made me think about the starving kids in Africa, because they don't even have partially digested food to throw up a little in their mouths.

Jason Castro is safe, and might I mention that in the recap of last night's performance it occurs to me what was so wrong with it - it's like, he knew he was expected to emote and "perform" the song because it's supposed to be so emotional and powerful, and he had absolutely no idea what to do... so he adopted this random phrasing and lots of totally unnecessary inhalations for ABSOLUTELY NO REASON. No reason musically, no reason lyrically, no reason vocally. Just because. It was like the vocal equivalent of the Idol poopy dance - he did it just to do Something. Anyway, America loved it. My reaction: DURR!

Brooke White is safe. My reaction: DUH!

Syesha Mercado is safe, obviously, because there are still six other girls to get to and Kady Malloy is next. My reaction: DUH!

Kady Malloy is going home, finally, after three weeks of my predicting she would leave. She seems utterly gregarious in her farewell video package. In Suffragette City, Asia'h and Ramiele are crying, and Brooke White still REALLY needs to work on her sad face. She expresses sadness entirely with her mouth, making the most exaggerated, almost satirical "pouty" faces. I would really prefer that she's faking it than consider that maybe this is her actual facial expression when she's sad. Meanwhile, Kady sounds horrible. My reaction: DURR!

David Hernandez is called up, and he is... wait, D-Nandez is safe?! America voted, and they're letting a gay stripper who sang a Celine Dion song into the Top 12?! BE STILL, MY BEATING HEART! Oh, D-Nandez, I am so thrilled for you. Please do me the favor of singing "Why Don't We Do It In The Road" during Beatles week. My reaction: Whaaat? Glaaadiator!

Michael Johns is safe. My reaction: DUH!

Luke Menard is going home. You know how I know this? Well, in addition to the fact that everyone in the world knows this, Ryan's doing the eliminations in the exact same order he did for the girls. Yawn. My reaction: DURR! Luke's sing-out is, of course, atrocious. Paula, on the other hand, is the true star of this performance. Behind the judges' table, she is doing what appears to be the actual choreography from the Wham! music video. She is seriously busting a freakin' move over there. She's already on her feet before he even begins singing. Save until I delete, TiVo.

Ramiele Mulabay is safe, obviously, because she's going to win. Ryan tells her this in a very confusing, convoluted way. Did someone let Paula type into the teleprompter for a minute there? My reaction: DURR!

Carly Smithson is let into the Top 12 minus Ryan's pregnant pause, and as Ryan says for the eighth or so time, "take a stool," I can't help but picture him as the charming host of next year's breakout hit series Lab Technician Idol, in which the winners each week would be presented with a congratulatory stool sample. Just me? Okay then. So Carly is in. My reaction: DURR! As they say, 378 Carly Smithson fans can't be wrong! I should note here that Carly is wearing a fetching orange garment from the Peloponnesian War tonight.

Amanda Overmyer is third-to-last, so clearly she's in. My reaction: DUH!

There is some stalling while we wait to find out whether it's Asia'h or KLC going home, and everyone pretends not to know who it's going to be.

Asia'h Epperson is going home (my reaction: DUH!), and Ryan, unprompted, gives her the option to sing or not to sing. Whoa now. Have we decided here in season seven that sing-outs are now optional? Come on. The incredibly awkward performance immediately after receiving crushing news about how unpopular you are is one of the absolute hallmarks of discomfort on this show! God, next thing you know they'll start holding auditions in rooms with two fully operational doors. Asia'h is actually really great in her sing-out. There's no joy in it, but she's a total trooper, and completely nails the high notes. Paula is crying. Danny Noriega looks like he's been bludgeoned with a tire iron.

No rest for the weary tearies - Chikezie nods like he knows he's about to be told he's going home, but Danny Noriega is out. He does the half-moose to Simon through his tears, and guys, I seriously love this kid. This time not ironically at all. You can tell Simon adores him in some bemused way, too. Ramiele is DESTROYED, and buries her face in Carly's motherly bosom. Paula's crying again. And hey, forget what I just said about Asia'h's sing-out, because Danny owns the night here. He pulls his shit together and delivers an awesome, Blaze-of-Glory-style farewell performance. Ramiele sobs. Paula bops back and forth like a Weeble. My reaction: Whaaat? Glaaadiator!

Next week, a brand new stage, a brand new elimination song by Ruben Studdard, and the contestants get to murder selections from the Lennon/McCartney catalogue. Yay.

Idol's Top 8 Girls: 50% Better than Last Time!

2008-03-05T22:25:00.005-05:00

So last week there were 2 good performances by our Idol ladies and this week there were...wait for it...3! If they continue with this pattern then next week we will get 4.5 good performances which can only mean that Ramiele will get in on this because she is 1/2 the size of a normal person (seriously did you see her standing next to kristy lee? It was frightening).

Speaking of Ramiele, she further proved her bff-ness with Danny Noriega. They share glasses! You may have seen my post about Danny last night. I am in love with him. Maybe it's some kind of gay solidarity thing, ok it's totally that, but I don't care. America needs a little Danny Noriega. With that said I think he'll be headed home tomorrow night with Luke Menard. Le sad.

Onto the ladies! Tonight I will be giving my general observations and then I will rate their chances of making the final 12: either Totes (they will totally make it), Mabes (they might make it), or Kady Malloy (see: Kady Malloy).

The H started out tonight and she was OK but she needs to stop picking insanely hard songs that have been done by extremely talented singers. Whitney Houston? Seriously?? If The H continues on this trajectory she will surely be performing the Habanera by the time we get to the top 10. Which would be fine by me as long as she reverts to her old singing style and performs the 'Abanera. Top 12 verdict: Mabes

Kady Malloy's most embarrassing moment was when she butchered the song "Beautiful" in a 9th grade talent show. I was going to say something nice about Kady since the judges always rip on her, but the fact that she sang "Beautiful" when she was in 9th grade makes me feel so old that all I can say is: Top 12 verdict: Kady Malloy

Next up is Amanda Overmyer and she gives the first good performance of the night (only 2 more left!). I can't say if I'm happy that she toned down the Bride of Frankenstein hair, the spastic dancing, and the tuneless singing because I was loving that beautiful train wreck thing she had going on. Anyway, Amanda is sooooooooooo over this show. She seriously could give two shits about what the judges have to say and you know what? More power too her. Top 12 verdict: Totes

I'm not quite sure why the Idol producers put 2 good performances in a row when they only had 3 to give but whatevs. Carly Smithson sings fairly well and if I were her I would be pumped because all I have to do is sing passably and I'm automatically the baddest bitch in the competition. Carly also looks, at least in my opinion, exponentially prettier every week. Top 12 Verdict: Totes

When Kristy Lee Cook was 7 she thought she was a dog. She didn't just act like a dog, or dress up like a dog, she actually believed she was a dog. FOR A WHOLE YEAER! How indulgent were her parents?!?! If I had a child who actually thought they were a dog, that shit would get about a two week window of allowance before I had to inform the little psychopath that they were indeed human and needed to stop humping the mailman's leg this instant! Also, her singing was boring. Top 12 Verdict: Kady Malloy

Ramielle Mulabay is up next and man is her song boring. Paula tries to liven up the festivities by babbling incoherently about mutts and Danny Noriega does liven up the festivities by wearing Ramielle's glasses and being fabulous. Top 12 Verdict: Mabes

Brooke White performs next and gives my favorite performance of the night. I don't know If I'm alone in my thinking, but it was actually my favorite female performance of this entire season. I loved what she did with the song, it was smart and classy. Randy and Paula tell Brooke that she should have used the band, but NOT using the band was exactly why the song was so great. I might even go download this on iTunes. Top 12 Verdict: Totes

We finish off the show with Syesha Mercado because...the judges love her? I honestly have no idea why she gets to go last. Syesha has gone back to banshee wailing so at least she's singing in tune. I really don't like her. Top 12 Verdict: Mabes

So who do I think is going home? I'm going to go with Kady Malloy and Kristy Lee Cook. Goodbye ladies!

OBSESSED

2008-03-04T21:15:00.004-05:00

Danny Noriega is the greatest (re: gayest) thing to ever happen to American Idol and we must keep him around! The end.

Idol's Top 8 Guys: The Size of a Walnut, and Flaky

2008-03-04T21:11:00.003-05:00

My oh my. It's the '80s on American Idol, and the guys are pretty good, with a few glaring exceptions. Named Luke Menard.

But first, last week's results show. I took extensive notes but didn't have time to blog about it. So quickly, the highlights:

Randy said the word "yesteryear" an astounding number of times in the same sentence.
Ramiele Malubay wore some very high-waisted pants that did her absolutely no favors.
When Jason Yeager was eliminated, there was a quick reaction shot to the Dawg Pound, which showed several other contestants looking concerned/sympathetic and Danny Noriega checking his manicure. No lie - consult your TiVo for this magic moment.
David Archuleta, on the other hand, sobbed like Elizabeth Wurtzel when Alexandrea was eliminated. Sources says it's because they've known each other since they competed on Star Search and have become quite close. Either that or he had just realized he had cancer.
Robbie Carrico is apparently dating Jessi Peralta. Yes, THAT Jessi Peralta.

Anyway, onward and... upward, I guess. In most cases. Excluding Luke Menard's.

Tonight on Idol, the guys will be sharing some of their most embarrassing moments with us viewing at home. Luke Menard tells a story about how his older sister used to wish he was a girl and dress him up like a ballerina. Photos accompany. He sings "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go," and it is without a doubt one of the worst vocal performances I have ever heard on this show, especially, and punishingly, when he hits the trademark "hiiiiiiiiigh" at the end of each chorus, missing it by less than a semitone each time. He sings like a newly deaf middle-aged woman.

David Archuleta is up next, and he sings "Another Day in Paradise." Okay, I hate David Archuleta, but hearing his voice immediately after Luke's is like applying refrigerated aloe vera gel to a fresh sunburn. Well played, producers. David's performance is what the judges - if he were a girl - would describe as "pageanty." He begins the song playing the piano, and it's a very smart move because the song is way too old for him, and piano-playing is in this case a very convincing substitute for, you know, emoting. About halfway through, he steps away from the piano and starts in with the pageant hand gestures, and it immediately becomes obvious that he's a 17 year old kid who won Star Search singing a song about Serious Issues. Randy and Paula say some unintelligible things about his "vocal prowness [sic]" and "imperfect perfection," and Simon calls the song out for being too gloomy, which is another way of saying what I just said: he's a pageant kid singing a song written by someone older and more wistful than he can pull off. Meanwhile, David pageants on about why he chose the song and blah blah blah, hold on a second, I've got to go vomit a rainbow.

Gratuitous shot of Denise Richards in the audience. She's clapping, but her face says, "Eff you guys, I sang better than this in the highly underrated Drop Dead Gorgeous, while dancing with Jesus."

Danny Noriega's embarrassing moment involved falling down, in front of his crush. Thank you, Danny, for lifting that little anecdote straight out of Seventeen magazine and not even trying to entertain this stupid idea for an interview segment. He sings "Tainted Love," and I could make the obvious play-on-words joke there, but it's just too easy. Like all of his performances, this is kind of... good in spite of itself. This is what fascinates me about Danny Noriega - for all of his obnoxious tics that say Novelty Contestant, he can't help being better at singing and performing than half the people still on this show. This is a fact that continually surprises everyone. Except Danny, who remains utterly nonplussed that yes, he's great at this. He's like the anti-Archuleta. Needless to say, Paula loves him, calling him both "sensitive" and "spicy," causing Simon to remark, "rather like a chicken wing."

At first I think David Hernandez is going to tell us how embarrassing it was for the whole world to find out, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that as of just last fall he used to be a "fully nude dancer" who gave lap dances to men. But it turns out D-Nandez has something even better up his sleeve: he once did an entire photo shoot unaware that there was a giant booger hanging out of his nose - a booger he goes on to describe as "the size of a walnut, and flaky." Curiously, also an apt description of every guy I dated in college. D-Nandez sings "It's All Coming Back to Me Now," and he either has really bad diction, or he's about to request that we hold his weggy weggy lishes (...I wonder if that costs extra? Yeeah, jokes!). It's probably his worst performance so far, but the judges like it fine and assure him that he'll still be around next week. Which pretty much guarantees that he won't be.

Michael Johns once got the crap beaten out of him while dressed like a kangaroo. He provides context for this, but it's unnecessary. He sings "Don't You Forget About Me," and I guess it's okay. I don't know. It sounds like Pearl Jam covering the song, and you know, with something like that you either like it or you don't, but there's no way to objectively determine whether or not it's good. When Randy mentions that Michael hit some "bum notes," I giggle thinking about David Hernandez.

David Cook and his combover join us next to sing "Hello" by Lionel Richie, and then Simon joins us to talk about how he was at Whole Foods with Lionel Richie just the other day - he bought carrots and Lionel Richie bought cereal. Simon knows this offhand because he's brought his moleskine Lionel Richie Journal along for easy reference. And thank God for that, because otherwise we would all be uncertain about what Lionel Richie was buying at Whole Foods yesterday. So thank you, Simon, for sparing the American psyche such anguish. Ryan tries to make some veiled innuendo about what Simon and Lionel Richie did after buying groceries, and not only does this joke make no sense, but we all know that if Simon had something like that in his moleskine Lionel Richie Journal, we'd all have read it by now, so... what the hell show is this?

Jason Castro was told last week to lose the guitar, and he does so, on exactly the wrong song: Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah." You may know this song as Jeff Buckley's "Hallelujah," or if you're younger than that, Rufus Wainwright's "Hallelujah," or, heaven forbid, "That Song Imogen Heap Sang When Marissa Cooper Died." Which demonstrates something you need to understand about this song: every artist famous for having recorded it has done a version so utterly distinct and personal that it becomes almost a brand new song, with its own associations in its own time and space. It is so easy to play, so easy to sing, so malleable that once it's recorded, all it IS is whatever personal business the artist has put into it. Jason Castro doesn't get any of this. At all. So he sings a version that sounds like a half-conceived hybrid of the Cohen/Buckley/Wainwright takes, lifting affectations from all of them, and copying Jeff Buckley's ending riff note for note. It is an utter waste of time, because he's not as good as any of them and the song is not musically interesting enough on its own to survive such an uninspired reading. I hate it. I would rather sit through an entire hour of Luke Menard singing the greatest hits of Wham! than watch this performance one more time. F minus.

Chikezie performs pretty much as an afterthought.

My favorite of the night, by far, is Colton Berry, who sings "Oh Yeah" as made famous in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. His performance is simply captivating, and spare - in a single spotlight, accompanied by strings. For the first time tonight, we see a performance in which you can tell the singer really means what he's singing.

Idol's Top 10 Girls: ...yikes

2008-02-28T10:11:00.009-05:00

Last week I made my disdain for this years crop of women (or should I say crap of women. HA!) pretty clear. I was upset with the general lack of singing talent, stage presence, and overall performance quality that you would normally find in, oh, I don't know, the best 12 female singers in the country. Circumstances have not improved, however after last nights episode, I am indeed sure that (as Ryan told us) the girls are in it to win "it". "It" being a swift kick to their lady business courtesy of me.

Before I get to the women just a few quick thoughts on the top 10 gents. Jason Yeager and Luke Menard are totally going home. Poor Jason. When his song started I was rooting for him, as it was clear the producers had physically removed his "special"-weapon son from the audience to curb any sympathy vote. But then Jason went and executed an incredibly awkward dance routine capped off with some weird, spastic, faux-crucifixion move. Hey Jason, William Jennings Bryan called, he wants his final pose back. Hey-oh!

One final note about the guys: I am no longer allowed to talk about David Archuletta. I read Liz's post about his song and totally agreed, in retrospect, about the middling performance. I do however have to stress the "in retrospect" part because here is what I actually wrote down when he was singing:

oh my god. magic! such magic and rainbows! love love love! too good, just too good.

That's right, when David sings I become some bizarre Paula-Abdul-tween-Jonas-Brothers-fan-monster. Honestly, now that I know what it's like to be Paula, I'm kind of jealous she gets to feel that way about everything. While we had to watch Jinay Christine's deer in headlights impression and listen to Carmen Rasmussen's goat vibrato, Paula got rainbows and magic. Lucky bitch.

Anyway, I'm not in Paulaland and actually had to experience last night's ladies so here we go:

Carly Smithson was one of two, yes count 'em two, good performances this week. She was fine, nothing awesome, nothing awful. Her high belt seems really throaty and somewhat small-sounding to me but her hair looked way better this week. Oh also, she wants you to know she's Irish.

Next up is Syesha Mercado who must have heard the rumor that she screams every song she performs because this one is pretty demure. On the downside, Syesha can not sing on pitch unless she is wailing like a banshee so this is terrible. Also, Syesha unleashes an absolutely terrifying impression of a baby crying. I can only assume that next week she will inform the viewing audience that if they do not vote for her she will use that baby-voice to haunt their dreams!

Brooke White gives the other good performance of the night. If you're keeping track that does indeed mean that the next 7 girls in a row suck balls (not literally, Antonella is no longer on this show). She sings "You're so Vain" and it's actually perfect for her. I will again tell Brooke to get herself an IPod commercial ASAP.

"Don't Leave Me This Way" has now been performed over 7,000 times on American Idol, Thanks Ramielle! Ramielle is still singing with Joanne Borgella's voice (bitch must be pissed!), except this time she isn't very good. She looks awkward and sings a lot of wonky notes. On the plus side I'm pretty sure she's besties with Danny Noriega so she's my favorite girl now.

Kristy Lee Cook is up next and, to my delight, when she isn't going out of her way make crazy bug-eyes she looks like French Stewart. She sings on-key but clearly lacks a soul and is a robot which I think should disqualify her from this competition.

Elvira Mistress of the Night sings "Carry On My Wayward Son" and it is a hilarious train wreck (which makes 2 in a row from our favorite nurse). She appears to be wearing plastic chaps over what I can only assume are patent leather underpants, her hair is, as Gaston would say, "roughly the size of a barge", she does the Elaine Bennis dance several times, and she sounds horrible. It is, quite possibly, the greatest thing I have ever seen on this show.

My Nemesis Alaina Whitaker (yes that is her full name) wants us to to know she's a spoiled bitch. Seriously. She talks about how she can't eat different foods with the same fork or let her foods touch each other. I hate her. She is not as good this week as she was last week, thank god. Simon says she's a "dark horse" and I agree but only in the sense that I want her to be euthanized and turned into glue.

Poor, poor Alexandreah Lushington. You could totally tell that she knows they only brought her to the final 24 to be an easy elimination. They probably forced her to sing that crappy song too. I voted for her a bunch just to stick it to the man. Also, she looks like the love-child of Rudy Huxtable and Sporty Spice. Go Alexandrea!

Kady Malloy clearly made her dress in art class when she was in 2nd grade. She sounds really bad, but surprisingly good in a clip of her singing opera. She's gone, goooooooooone.

We close the night with Asia'H Epperson, who I will affectionately refer to as "The H" from now on (both because of her name and because of the bizarre "h"-less cockney accent she adopts when she sings). Right away I'm disappointed when The H discontinues her bid to become the next Eliza Doolittle by actually saying the letter "h". LAME. Then she proceeds to suck. Latoya London killed this song in season 3, back when the girls were talented...I'm going to go cry now.

So who goes home? I'm saying definitely Kady and then either Alexandrea, Amanda, and maybe Syesha or Kristy. Ok I think Kady and Alexandrea will join Jason and Luke. Laterz.

Idol's Top 10 Guys: Nothing Funny but the Possibility of Cancer

2008-02-26T22:52:00.006-05:00

Ryan opens up the show by asking the judges to give some words of advice to tonight's performers. Randy sagely advises them to "be in it to win it" and a collective look of realization spreads across the contestants' faces. I know last week he said the girls already were in it to win it, so it surprises me a bit that some of these guys are so late in noticing that being in it to win it is probably a good idea. You can see fans in the audience hastily revising the signs they're holding that used to read, "I'M THINKING ABOUT BUT MAY ULTIMATELY DECIDE AGAINST VOTING FOR MY FAVORED CONTESTANT."

Michael Johns is up first, and he's all right I guess. He's kind of like this mid-nineties alt-rock robot. Like, if Eddie Vedder's voice were placed into a machine built to look like a relatively obscure J. Crew catalogue model and programmed to do "rock star" things until its batteries wore out. That's Michael Johns.

Jason Castro is up next, and he interviews about how much he dislikes interviews. And having his picture taken. And meeting people. And, you know, just about everything else being on American Idol entails. Meanwhile, every guy who was cut during Hollywood week seethes quietly at home. Thanks, Jason.

Luke Menard decides to endear himself to the audience by talking about his a cappella group, and if he thinks this is what is going to add a shade of dimension to his floofy, girly-voiced presence on the show, he is so very mistaken. The public doesn't get a cappella. You know how I know that? Because I do improvisational theatre, and it's the same thing - you simply can't talk about improv without people being like, "Oh yeah? Tell me a joke!" or using the word "skit" in what they think is a really helpful way. Luke's mention of a cappella is a lot like this; it does nothing to bring the audience any closer to what he's all about, and raises a few misconceptions and stereotypes for viewers who have any frame of reference at all. What happens next is interesting because he chooses a song that is totally right for his voice ("Killer Queen") and totally wrong for his personality, his appearance, his nonexistent performance skills, and this show. The result is that it really doesn't come across at all, and probably plays as really weird for someone younger who has never heard "Killer Queen." REALLY weird. I mean, picture hearing that song being sung by a very unassuming, bland-looking guy, just casually, and having absolutely no context for it... except that he seems to be a member of this lame touring band without instruments.

Robbie Carrico is someone I could not be more bored by.

Danny Noriega disappoints me by singing a slower song with less hip thrusting, and the judges disappoint me by not hating it. Danny, this is how it works - I adore you, and only partly in an ironic way, but your job here is to be abrasive, obnoxious and totally unsuited for this show. The minute you start actually trying is when it starts to suck.

I am in love with David Hernandez. LOVE. I have been saying this for weeks, and just want to reiterate: I LOVE HIM. He sings "Papa Was a Rolling Stone" and by the time it's over I have doodled his name in a heart six thousand times directly on the coffee table. Online rumors say he may have once worked as a gay stripper. Repeat it: LOVE.

Jason Yeager is in deep trouble this week, and neglected to bring along the possibly retarded son who is the only thing that could keep him in this competition. I really don't get it with Jason... his performance reminds me of watching the frontman of some Billy Ray Cyrus cover band in some very, very small town somewhere. I dislike it. A lot.

Chikezie has evidently been sent home after all and replaced by another guy named Chikezie who can actually sing. This development has thrown my office Idol pool into a tailspin.

David Cook is a "word nerd" who does crossword puzzles. The editors use this opportunity to cut a quick montage of all of the "big words" David has used in interviews, which are all, you know, regular words used daily in the parlance of the secondarily educated. Which is really more insulting to AI and its audience than to David - what it shows is that he's basically literate, and they're incredulous of that. Simon hates this interview choice, but I like it because it does two things that these stupid pre-performance clips never do, 1) doesn't strive for categorization and storyline ("I'm a great Dad!" or "I used to be fat/poor/a farmer!"), and 2) actually make me see the contestant in a new light. Not that I'm wicked impressed by David Cook's supposed crossword ability, but the fact that he would share something so mundane with so little apparent agenda makes me like him more. Obviously not a lot more, because I forget what he sings. Seriously, I have no recollection.

Does David Archuleta have cancer? Because that's the only way I can explain what happens next, which is: he gives a bland, precocious, Star Search style performance of "Imagine" and is flat on some of the notes but still cute in that ambitious younger brother kind of way, and the judges fall all over themselves with praise like he's a ten-year-old with six months left to live. Paula is brought to tears after exclaiming that she wants to "dangle [him] from [her] rearview mirror," and Randy Jackson literally explodes. Then the U.N. is brought onstage; they have sewn a David Archuleta quilt. There is much Coca-Cola.

Finally, Colton Berry takes the stage and gives a marvelous rendition of Donna Summer's "Last Dance" while accompanying himself on the tambourine and wearing a billowy pink satin blouse. His bangs are sideswept, of course. He's great, and I absolutely squeal when the gospel choir comes in at the end. What a great performance. I really think he's going to win.

We can't go on together... with you not on the show.

2008-02-21T21:45:00.005-05:00

I'm ready to call this competition for Ramiele Mulabay right here and now. Here's why:

She's Filipina and she's very short. What? No one of even remotely Asian heritage or "cute" stature has ever won on this show, and if you believe Idol is, if not entirely rigged, ferociously manipulative of its viewers, which I do, you can't deny that a Ramiele win would fill an available spot on the mantle of Idol winners. And if you subscribe to the theory that the producers don't want a winner too similar in type to any previous winner, which I do, that eliminates basically everyone else.
She has the voice of a big black lady. And seeing as there are no big black ladies or other tiny Filipina girls who sing like big black ladies left in the competition, she's going inherit all of those potential votes, and sing all of those potential big black lady songs that Idol so loves. Seriously. Who else is going to corner the Aretha market at this point... Brooke White?
She has exactly the kind of middle-of-the-road, not-too-anything personality that sells well on this show. She's nice but not unctuous. She's attractive but not sexy. She's fun-loving but not funny. She's distinguishable in a crowd but not Garrett Haley. Also, she was the sobbiest of sobbers for her new friends during eliminations tonight, which we all know rakes in good will like nothing else. This type of demeanor, this "off-putting to NO ONE" thing would be a disadvantage if she couldn't sing well. But she can. So she is going to win.

Unfortunately, my prognosticating this week for my office's Idol pool was less than stellar, and I only got half of the eliminations right. I picked Kady Malloy instead of Joanne Borgella, and Jason Yeager instead of Colton Berry. What did I do wrong? Obviously underestimated a) the badness of Joanne's peformance and b) the power of having a child who may be retarded in the audience. My bad. Of course Jason Yeager will probably make the top three even if he continues to sing the world's cheesiest songs while sitting on a stool and sporting the male version of Amanda Overmeyer's hairdo. Awesome. Can't wait.

Meanwhile, I am so pissed that Colton got voted off that I am going to just continue writing about the show as if he's still on it, as that is the only way I can bring myself to continue watching. Colton was great tonight! I can't wait till he comes over later and we give each other makeovers. I like his bangs better sideswept than slicked back, amIright?

My Sincerest Regrets About Your Parents

2008-02-20T22:43:00.004-05:00

I know I'm clearly supposed to feel sorry for some of the female contestants on Idol this year, you know, like Asia'h Epperson, whose father died right before her audition (and apparently bequeathed her an apostrophe). Or Syesha Mercado, who lost her voice during Hollywood week. Or Carly Smithson, who ~~was an embarrassing failure as a recording artist~~ had visa problems and couldn't compete two years ago. Or Kristy Lee Cook, who supposedly sold a horse? For reasons as yet unclear? And now has the flu. Also, this is news to me, but... evidently there's a strain of flu out there this season that causes one's eyes to bulge menacingly out of their sockets when singing high notes. Damn those drug-resistant bacteria!

But can we pause the pity party for a moment to consider some contestants who actually might deserve sympathy?

For one thing, it looks as if Alaina Whitaker could only afford a single sleeve for her shirt tonight. Clearly she was too proud to call attention to it, but you can tell this girl has struggled through adversity.

And let's please take a moment for Amy Davis. Okay, so her performance tonight was terrible. But she's doing the best she can, having been raised by parents who habitually go out in public wearing matching t-shirts featuring a hilarious old-timey vignette photo of her face.

And finally - although Kristy Lee Cook might feel like she got hit by a truck, Amanda Overmeyer was recently actually hit by a truck.

Idol's Top 12 Girls: Bizarro World

2008-02-20T20:05:00.009-05:00

Throughout the 6 seasons of American Idol (that I have watched obsessively) I have always, always liked the girls more than the boys. I would argue that it's because the girls have more talent: they're better singers, they have better stage presence, and most importantly to me, they are teeming with sassy black woman belting their hearts out (re: Tamyra Gray, Kim Locke, Jennifer Hudson, Fantasia, Mandisa, Melinda Doolittle). Although I've liked particular guys like Elliot Yamin, I've never enjoyed them in mass.

This year, however, is very different. Last night there were guys, both good and gloriously bad, that really kept me entertained. Yes, there was boring Luke Menard and Jason Yaeger, but there was also Michael Johns, beautiful hippie Jason Castro and David Archuleta, who I will talk about later on becuase I am in love with him. The trainwrecks were also great! There was the gay elvis extravaganza, and somehow Gollum is a finalist this year (note: he goes by the alias "Garrett Healey"). Also, as we will soon find out, the girls pretty much suck. Lame.

Anyway, onto tonight, it's Black Plague Night on Idol! Oh wait, I'm sorry it's 60's night. I got confused because Ryan opened the show by letting us know that all the girls are really sick and we shouldn't hate them when they tank. He also reminds us that Randy thinks the guys can "definitely blow". I have no recollection of Randy saying this, and can only assume he's reffering to Danny Noriega. Finally, Ryan says that this year the girls are in it to win it. This is in direct contrast to the first 6 seasons of Idol when all the girls wanted to lose REALLY BAD. So for all of you who thought Antonella Barba sucked, well you were right, BUT she was totally sucking on purpose. In reality she was actually the winner of the anti-idol contest the women were having. In a related note if this is how the ladies perform when they're "in it to win it" they might want to consider their old approach.

ANYWAY onto the performances...

Kristy Lee Cook is up first and, according to Paula, Randy, and Ryan she's like, totally sick you guys. Unless Kristy has contracted some disease that sucks out all your stage presence and charisma, and gives you a case of crazy-eyes, then I see no signs of illness. Anyway, by the way Paula is playing it up you'd think Kristy Lee has ebola, which actually would make me like her more. It was nice that she sang something other than "Amazing Grace" as I was 25% sure she was some country-fembot programmed to sing only that song, but, she's bad and boring...this will not be the last time you hear that phrase.

Joanne Borgella actually epitomizes Idol 7's Bizarro World theme. She's a big, beautiful, confident black woman, who sings like Jessica Simpson. It's particularly infuriating because every season I fall in love with a sassy black woman who, by the looks of her, could possibly be a dude, and looks like she's gonna eat my face when she sings. Joanne should be this contestant! LAME.

Alaina Whitaker has a birthday tomorrow. She wants to stay on Idol and, hopefully, get some great shoes. I hate her. She only infuriates me more when she goes out there and sings really well. Not only does she sing well but David Archuletta is totally oggling her from the audience! Stay away from my man, bitch! You stay the fuck away. Well, I have a new nemesis.

Amanda Overmeyer got hit by a truck. She claims she's 23...in dog years? Also she looks and performs like Elvira on steroids. Amanda sings a tuneless ditty repleat with scat solos. It's hideous, I love it.

Amy Davis might want to steal a few moves from the Antonella playbook and put some wang-in-mouth pictures on the interweb because, after that musical abortion, I see no other way for her to stick around. Also, is she the actress from the show "Bones"? Would she be allowed to be on Idol? Anyway, bad and boring.

Brooke White is pretty. I thought she was ok and boring, which is an impovement over other ladies. I think her best chance is to parlay this Idol thing into a career singing indy songs for IPOD commercials.

Alexandrea Lushington wears superfluous suspenders. She has two distinct voices, a good one and a horrible one. If she pledges to NEVER sing in her upper register ever again I will vote for her. I've also heard Alexandrea was on star search and lost to none other than David Archuletta. I hope she was ok with that because it's about to happen again. Also, she must hate filling out her name on bubble sheets.

Kady Malloy spells her name funny and is also a horrible performer. That's not a good combination. Also Kady was the one who officialy pushed me over the edge into full-fledged "I hate this show all these girls suck" mode. Congrats Kady!

Asia'h Epperson is amazing for the following reason: 1) the absolutely unnecessary apostrophe that accents the "h" in her name, 2) the fact that she can't say the letter "h" when she sings. Think about that! She goes out of her way to let you know that you better be sayin' that "h" in her name, and then sings "take another little peice of my 'eart." Also she's on-pitch and energetic which puts her in the top 3 girls for the night. Also this officialy means that my nemesis Alaina is no longer the best girl.

Ramielle Mulabay stole Joanne Borgella's voice like Ursula in The Little Mermaid! There is no other explanation for why Joanne sounds like whiny little Philipino girl and Ramielle sounds like a big black lady. Her necklace is the secret to her power! She must be stopped!

Syesha Mercado screams all her songs. All of them. The judges love her and I guess compared to most of the other "singers" she's not horrible. Why are you doing this to me Idol?!

Carly Smithson finishes off the night. She actually sounds sick, not like Kristy Lee sick but legitimately sick. Paula again wants us to know that everyone has bird flu, whooping cough, and various STD's. This all compromises Carly's performance which I'm sure otherwise would have been good enough to sell dozens and dozens of records.

So who will go home? Oh man this is tough. It could be Amy, Kady, Joanne, Alexandrea, or maybe even Kristy. I'm going to go with Amy and Kady.

In conclusion: everyone go get your flu shot right now!!!

Idol's Top 12 Guys: Two "rockers," two gay Elvises, and a guy named Jacuzzi

2008-02-19T23:00:00.004-05:00

Let's make quick work of this, shall we? The boys sang, they were by turns mediocre, flamboyant, underwhelming, and terrifying. The judges did that thing where they have everyone sing songs from the '60s, and then act incredulous when some of the performances sound like they came straight from... the '60s. Don't these contestants know they're supposed to Make It [Their] Own? Come on, have they not been watching this show for the past six years? Everyone knows there are three easy steps to Making It Your Own:

Arbitrarily change the tempo. Nothing says "I know who I am as an artist" like singing a ballad at the pace of a lively Turkish march. Or better yet, breaking down an uptempo song into a Boyz II Men style slow jam. It doesn't really matter what you do, just remember: no one unique or special ever sang a song at its intended speed.
Sing badly. Feel free to be creative with this one - yell, growl, mumble, yodel, whine, or take on a hilarious accent. Just be sure to remain consistent with whatever affectation you choose, for it's this unwavering commitment to one glaring flaw in vocal technique that separates a plain old misstep from "a style all your own."
Add electric guitar. This should be self-explanatory. What better way to showcase your hip, offbeat, Zeitgeist-lovin' interpretation of the song than to add an electric guitar? Ta da! Instant relevance. You can thank me later, when you're accepting that Grammy for your totally rockin' rendition of "Tie a Yellow Ribbon 'Round the Old Oak Tree."

Duh. This is basic stuff. Anyway, onto the performances...

David Hernandez can actually sing, and just may be one of the most attractive contestants ever to make it to this stage. However, he is over 20 years old, childless, and NOT an embarrassment to society. So he'll probably be going home soon.

Chikezie... hey, didn't he have a last name just the other day? Is he supposed to be season 7's Mandisa or something? Because he's horrible at being Mandisa. Incidentally, he is also horrible at being a good singer, choosing his own clothing, and holding himself back from making snotty comments to the judges on the very first night of the semifinals. Great.

David Cook is sporting a bleached, flat ironed, sideswept combover. And if he thinks any amount of bleaching, flat ironing or sidesweeping is going to magically turn that combover into not a combover, he's wrong. He sings "Happy Together" and really Makes It His Own. Kudos, David Cook! Clearly you've seen this show before.

I can't say anything mean about Jason Yeager because I think his son either has some kind of developmental problem, or just looks very very unfortunately like Milla Jovovich. Enough. Jason is out this week.

Robbie Carrico is another one who Makes It His Own, this time aided greatly by season 7's first use of the Chris Daughtry Memorial Strobelights. It should be noted here that he is dressed almost identically to me circa 6th grade.

Is it too early to have David Archuleta fatigue? I know Mike really likes him, and he's actually quite good, but can we quit pretending he's an actual, viable contender to win the competition? Imagine Melinda Doolittle had a child with Will Makar, and then that child was lobotomized, but retained a very good singing voice and disarming humility and charm. There you have... David Archuleta. Of course, the judges want to sell little statuettes of him outside the Vatican.

Danny Noriega. I should hate him, right? In the sense that he reminds me of every obnoxious flaming kid I ever worked with in a mall. Yet somehow, I adore every single thing about him. This kid has no fear whatsoever. He sings "Jailhouse Rock" in the skinniest pair of skinny pants in the whole wide world, Simon hates it, and a million Justin Suarezes viewing at home hit "save until I delete" on their TiVos. Would that I could choose "save forevs and evs" on my TiVo.

Hey look, James van der Beek tried out for American Idol! Oh wait, it's Orlando Bloom! Oh wait... it's this guy from Illinois named Luke Menard. He sings a song that, in addition to being quite boring, seems to contain so many key changes that it's hard to tell at any given time if he's choosing the next note at random. Not promising. It's good to know though that if this doesn't pan out he could still have a lucrative career posing on Dawson's Creek parade floats. If those exist.

Colton Berry is probably wearing mascara, judging by the opacity of his eyelashes on stage as compared to earlier interview footage. Good for him. He sings another Elvis song, and I want to be BFFs with him, because apparently I like 'em bug-eyed (see: David Hernandez). Also, he claims to sing the Teletubbies theme song to himself in order to calm down in times of stress. I hope he also owns a pair of lucky pantyhose.

(Leif) Garrett Healey is terrifying. The end.

Jason Castro plays a guitar, sings "What a Day for a Daydream," and signs a contract to score the next sequel to Shrek on his way offstage. Incidentally, I know of this place where you can meet thousands upon thousands of Jason Castros that will happily play their guitar for you and sing like this any time you want - and maybe even offer to share their calzone! It's called college.

Michael Johns is from Australia and is very attractive and has great stage presence. So why don't I care? Must be the absence of skinny pants... or, you know, a soul.

My predictions for who's gone on Thursday? Jason Yeager, for one. The other will be either Luke, Chikezie or David Hernandez (say it ain't so!).

TiVocabulary

2008-01-31T18:26:00.000-05:00

ba-doops (bə-'dups) n.

The optimal period of time (typically around fourteen minutes for an hour-long serial) between when a show starts and when you begin watching it on the TiVo, such that you can fast-forward through the adverts and catch up to "real time" exactly as the show is ending. Named for the "ba-doop" sound a TiVo makes when fast-forwarding.
Any period of time currently accumulated between the point you're at in watching the show, and the latest point recorded.

Examples of use...

Mike: Hey, wanna watch Lost?
Liz: Totes, but it's only five past nine. Let's have a Diet Coke and wait for ba-doops.
Or...
Liz: Hey Mike! I'm watching the Motownphilly episode of Full House! Hurry!
Mike: Sweet! Fast-forward to the part where Stephanie forgets the choreography!
TiVo: FWNNK!
Mike: Oh noooes! We're out of ba-doops. I hate real time!

Great Moments in Idol History: Hold My Weggy Weggy Lishes

2007-12-15T11:33:00.001-05:00

It's that time again, friends! Idol time! And while this season of American Idol won't kick off until exactly one month from today, we thought we'd take these precious days leading up to the premiere to review what are, in our authoritative judgment, some of the greatest moments in Idol history.

Today's highlight...

Let me take you back to season 5, top 12 week. Melissa McGhee has just narrowly beaten Ayla Brown, the far more likeable (and taller! Remember Ayla? She was so tall!) contestant, to the Top 12. Stevie Wonder himself is mentoring, and Melissa has opted to sing Stevie's 1980 masterpiece, "Lately." Immediately, in rehearsal, she sings the wrong lyrics... while looking at the sheet music. Prompting Stevie Wonder himself to ask, "what's wrong witchoo, girl?" without even pretending to be joking. Touché, Stevie.

When performance time comes around, Melissa takes the stage, wearing a dress "for the first time on stage ever," and also for the first time ever, she doesn't suck. It's actually kind of good. Until around (1:35) in the clip below, when she doesn't just fuck up the lyrics. She fucks up the lyrics to the chorus of the song. Repeatedly. Because it is the chorus. Now, forgetting the lyrics happens on Idol all of the time, but usually the offender will do one of two things:

a) Sing lyrics from a different part of the song.
b) Freeze up and sing NOTHING.

What makes this song a Great Moment in Idol History is that Melissa instead chooses to:

c) Sing unintelligible nonsense syllables.

And she does it repeatedly, every time she hits the chorus. What comes out is something along the lines of...

Well, I have many, many wishes
Hold my weggy, weggy lishes...

The second time it kind of sounds like "hope my record is delicious," which is, to her credit, a collection of real words.

Melissa McGhee's Wikipedia entry tells me that post-Idol, "[s]he has sung at various festivals such as Weeki Wachee and the Pet Rock Festival. McGhee also went on tour with Ruben Studdard from October 3rd to 7th."

I have never been to Weeki Wachee, but I like to imagine it as a special ceremony of ridicule and torment for girls who have made Stevie Wonder die a little on the inside.

America's Next Top Model: The Illusionist

2007-12-04T22:44:00.000-05:00

In interest of full disclosure I must admit I have recently become a complete and unabashed mega-fan of America's Next Top Model. It all started early one saturday afternoon: I happened to flip on vh1 and what to my wondering eyes did appear but an insane Tyra Banks and eight tiny...ummmm I can't think of anything to rhyme with "appear" but let's just say it was the season when THIS happened, and you would have watched that entire cycle in one sitting as well.

Anyway, if this blog had existed when cycle 9 began I definitely would have kept a running commentary, and plan to do so for cycles 10 through 5,673, but jumping in mid-season seemed wrong.

The reason I'm breaking my self-imposed silence is because one contestant has captivated me in a way unmatched by all past modelettes. Her name is Jenah and she looks like this:

Now, there have most definitely been, as Tyra would say, "uniquely beautiful" contestants like this in the past, but with each passing moment Jenah takes her fug to new heights. Granted it's not all her fault as three episodes into the season Tyra glued that dead albino muskrat to her head, but never, my friends, has any model seemed so destined to win an entirely different competition: "America's Next Top Shelley Duval."

The real reason I'm writing this post, however, is that when Jenah takes pictures, she somehow, miraculously, look like this:

WHAT?! And that's like, the worst picture she's taken this season. She has become the Harry Houdini of ANTM. Just when you're certain she couldn't possibly escape those chains (of her own ugliness), she does!

To be totally honest I'm rooting for exactly two things right now: 1) somehow she continues to get uglier in real-life (and I mean like cystic acne, missing limbs, Grendel's-mom kinda ugly), and 2) her pictures look awesome anyway. Truly, this is the only way to save this cycle now that AutisticHeather is gone and the front runner is Toodie from the Facts of Life.

ps - that last sentence actually makes sense if you watch the show. yeah, ANTM is that awesome.

Letters From Dead Presidents: Part 2

2007-12-04T21:58:00.000-05:00

In this on-going segment, past U.S. Presidents write letters to present-day Americans.

Today's letter comes from Grover Cleveland, our 22nd and 24th President. I initially asked him to do a telephone briefing, but he vetoed that option and instead sent us this letter.

Dear America,

Kindly, go fuck yourselves. No, I'm serious. You didn't appreciate me when I was office, you didn't appreciate me when I was back in office, and you sure as hell don't appreciate me now. Oh sure, you know my name. Maybe you remember me as the guy who married the 21-year-old barely legal hottie Frances Cornelia Folsom while I was president, or the guy who had clandestine surgery for a malignant tumor on my hard palate and ended up with a hideously deformed mouth as a result. You may remember my face being briefly featured on the one-thousand dollar bill, until the bill was discontinued as a result of your steadfast refusal to stop being a bunch of stupid assholes, America.

Do you have any idea what I did for this country? Do you have any idea what ridiculous legislation might have passed if I'd not had the presence of mind to veto the shit out of it, or at least oppose it staunchly? Let me count the atrocities!

Hawaii. If I had not vetoed the idea, Hawaii would have become a state. Imagine that! Muumuus would be acceptable attire for the home and workplace.We'd all be wearing leis and roasting pigs day in and day out. We'd have ports that were dangerously accessible by the Japanese if they were to, say, attack us somehow. Thank God I vetoed that.

Women's suffrage. Need I expand further on the patent ludicrousness of this preposterous suggestion? It was bad enough when we had to extend the right to vote to poor people and fatties. Women have a place in this society, and that place is not the voting booth. Why, there's not even enough room in there to embroider psalms on a sampler!

Unions. You may recall my heroic act as immortalized in the 1992 film Newsies, where I famously intervened in the Pullman Strike.

You're welcome, America.

I served two non-consecutive terms in the White House, which would have been three consecutive terms, had a loophole in the electoral process not cost me the 1888 election to Benjamin Harrison. You see, I clearly won the popular vote that year - however, Republican legacy candidate Benjamin Harrison overtook me in the electoral college, in a result that stank of ballot fraud. Good thing nothing like that ever happened again!

You're all a bunch of douchebags,

President Grover Cleveland
Not Bitter Or Anything

Well played, Hot Sundae.

2007-12-03T18:28:00.000-05:00

Many moons ago, while watching Saved By The Bell, I witnessed what, at the time, I assumed was the greatest music video ever made. "Break a Sweat (Go for It)", by Hot Sundae, was never played on MTV (don't worry the company got a very angry letter courtesy of an 11-year-old me) but it still held a special place in my heart.

Years later I was watching SBTB again, this time ironically, and was excited when I realized it was the Hot Sundae episode (note: I realize everyone else remembers this as the episode where Jessie gets addicted to caffeine pills and flips her shit on Zack).

Now I have to say I was worried because the SBTB moments I remember, like "the Sprain" or the episode where they have to get faux-married and Lisa gets paired with Screech and then hilariously pretends she can't speak English ("Lisa no en casa"), never quite live up to my memories. This is partly my fault as I always built up those moments to be more over-the-top than they actually were. I wasn't even satisfied when Jessie freaked out over her drug addiction because somehow, in my mind, I had built up that moment to the point where anything less than the girl actually eviscerating Zack Morris and setting her house on fire, after proclaiming how scared she was, equalled a disappointment.

But rest assured, my friends, when I tell you that the Hot Sundae music video was actually better/worse than I could have ever wished.

Before you watch the video, which I obvs linked below, please take a second and try to imagine how cliche, and 80's-tastic it could possibly be. Now prepare to be wowed when it actually exceeds your expectations! Multiple spandex bikini/bikeshort outfits with belts that hold up nothing? Check. Exercise infused choreography on mini-trampolines? Check. An ending where (I shit you not) they jump off the trampolines and freeze triumphantly in mid-air? CHECK.

ENJOY!

Welcome to the OC, Blair.

2007-12-02T21:30:00.000-05:00

As I seem to be one of the only three people in the universe watching it, people often ask me about my impressions of Gossip Girl, especially as compared to its older, tanner, west coast cousin The O.C.

Considering their similarities - both executively produced by Josh Schwartz, both chronicling the daily dramas of overprivileged high school students and their parents, as set to an only-slightly-indie soundtrack - I thought I'd delve a little deeper into the differences between the two. The contrasts and subtle distinctions that will determine once and for all which one of these shows is the greater masterpiece...

ROUND 1: The Logo
The O.C.	Gossip Girl
A tidy sans serif logo in orange and blue.	What's this? A tidy sans serif logo in orange and blue? Schwartz, you crazy!

Winner: Obvs, it's a tie here. We're going to have to dig a little deeper to settle this...

ROUND 2: The Theme Song
The O.C.	Gossip Girl
"California," by Phantom Planet, which is an awesome song, and which got no less awesome after it became the theme song for the show.	A cacophany of clanking and beeping, capped off by Gossip Girl's reverbed voice signing off, "You know you love me. XOXO, Gossip Girl." I can't believe this is the best they could do.

Winner: The O.C. - Gossip Girl, please see me after class.

ROUND 3: The Setting
The O.C.	Gossip Girl
Newport Beach, CA. Sun shines, waves crash, Ryan lives in a poolhouse.	New York, NY. Takes place mainly on the Upper East Side, and whatever nook of Brooklyn the Humphreys supposedly live in.

Winner: Sorry, Gossip Girl. Maybe it's just because I've lived on the east coast for the last 20 years, but compared to the rich, summery hues of Newport Beach, your scenery is bo-ring. This one goes to The O.C.

ROUND 4: The Waif Next Door
The O.C.	Gossip Girl
Marissa Cooper. Ingenue. Tragic heroine. One-time lesbian, suicide attempter, pool furniture abuser, owner of bangs.	Nate Archibald. Pretty boy. Tragic hero. Family pawn, father incriminator, cheater, moper - also, curiously, an owner of bangs.

Winner: Gossip Girl. I cannot think of a more detested character in the history of television than Marissa Cooper. Plus, Nate's bangs are better. And he hasn't, as of this writing, shot anyone and subsequently gotten kicked out of school and fallen in love with a surfer with no personality who then jumps off a cliff. I mean, of course he hasn't. That would be a ridiculous storyline.

ROUND 5: The Dad Who's Cooler Than His Kids
The O.C.	Gossip Girl
The man, the myth, Sandy Cohen. Used to be a public defender, now defends the honor of his loved ones with the power of his eyebrows alone. And he surfs!	Rufus Humphrey. Has a name so stupid I can't believe I just typed it. Used to be in a band. Is way too young to have kids in high school. Refers to mashed potatoes as "the mashed." Yikes, Rufus.

Winner: The O.C. Listen, Rufus. It's just not happening for me. Trying to compare you to Sandy Cohen is like trying to compare former New Hampshire state representative Dick Swett to Franklin Delano Roosevelt. You're just outclassed... and Sandy doesn't even have polio!

ROUND 6: The Seth Cohen
The O.C.	Gossip Girl
Seth Cohen.	Dan Humphrey - he's like Seth Cohen, but wearing a scarf.

Winner: Actually, Gossip Girl. Don't get me wrong, they're the same character - neurotic, pretentious, out of place among their peers yet somehow assuredly superior, and quirky while still being as generic as possible - but I'm giving this to Dan, because he hasn't has as many opportunities to annoy me. Remember the episode of The O.C. where Seth pulls an all-nighter the night before he has to pitch his comic book, and then he FREAKS OUT during the meeting, and it's neither cute nor disarming, just unfathomably irritating? Yeah, we stopped being friends that day.

ROUND 7: The Urban Cougar
The O.C.	Gossip Girl
Julie Cooper. Married four times in four seasons of the show. Lived in a trailer. Loved Bob Seger. Once slept with her daughter's boyfriend.	Lily van der Woodsen. Entangled with two men, both currently married. Lives in a hotel. Loved Rufus' stupid band he used to be in. Once slept with her daughter's boyfriend's dad, which is somehow grosser.

Winner: The O.C. As if there's any contest. You can't out-Julie-Cooper Julie Cooper. Lily van der Woodsen is pretty great, but she's going to need to be involved in a few more murder plots if she hopes to ever catch up with the original Urban Cougar.

ROUND 8: The Ex-Girlfriend As Plot Contrivance
The O.C.	Gossip Girl
Ryan's childhood friend and first love, Teresa, comes to town and lives in a motel for a while, then becomes pregnant with Ryan's baby, ruining the entire show and sending Marissa on a dark spiral to her eventual death.	Dan's childhood friend and first love, Vanessa, comes to town and invites herself everywhere, whines a lot about how Serena is prettier than she is, and almost prevents Dan from losing his virginity. Oh, and she's "alternative," too.

Winner: I have to give this one to Gossip Girl, for sheer believability. Although this is admittedly a battle for best loser, Vanessa at least hasn't caused Dan to, you know, spend half a season living in Chino and working at construction site.

ROUND 9: General Believability of Entire Show Concept
The O.C.	Gossip Girl
Get this: a lawyer feels really bad for this kid, his client, who stole a car, and so he brings the kid home to his family that very day and raises him like a son.	Get this: an entire high school lives and breathes by the word of an anonymous blogger named Gossip Girl, who is more influential than God. Based on a series of books by the same name.

Winner: Between the two, The O.C. is less fundamentally ludicrous. That is kind of sad.

Overall score... OC 5, GG 3. A close match! Of course, there's still time to close the gap... who knows what might be lurking around the corner for Gossip Girl? Overdoses! Inter-generational affairs! Secret lovechildren! Fraud! Blackmail! Imogen Heap!

Just please, stop the cruelty to pool furniture. It's not funny and it silences the voices of the millions of pool chairs who have actually been thrown into pools.

You know you love me. XOXO.

Letters From Dead Presidents

2007-12-02T20:12:00.000-05:00

In this on-going segment past U.S. Presidents write letters to present-day Americans.

Hello, as-yet-unknown and quite possibly non-existent L&MDJers! As many* of you know, James K. Polk is one of the most underrated U.S. Presidents EVER. As an avid fan of his, I would love to extol his many (ok, more like 3) major accomplishments, but, lucky for you, he has already done it for me!

*re: none

Dear America,

It saddens me to say that many of you may not recognize me if I were to pass you on the street. Some of you, surely, don't even know that I was once President of this great land. Well, for those of you unfamiliar with my work, let me assure you of one thing: I. KICK. ASS. For further proof of this please see the picture that I had commissioned back in the day.

(Ok, to be totally honest I photo shopped in that "110% Awesome" part, but that doesn't make it any less true!)
k
Let me break it down for you nice and simple. When I decided to run for office I wanted to accomplish three things: 1) Implement an independent treasury, 2) Annex California, 3) Take back the Oregon Territory. Well guess what? That's exactly what I did. I made the Brits my bitch up north, and I kicked Santa Ana's ass into exile down south. Santa Ana! He's a folk hero! It was like beating Paul Bunyan...kinda. The point is, manifest destiny would have been just a cute little jingoistic idea if I had not made it a reality.
k
Alas, when people think of great U.S. Presidents, they conjure images of Washington, Lincoln, JFK (if they're Irish), FDR (if they like cripples), or even Woodrow Wilson (if they're retarded). But none of those men accomplished SO MUCH in their first term that they didn't even run for a second term. Yeah, you read that right, I killed it so hardcore in my first term I decided I didn't even need to run again.
k
So, when you're sipping on your latte at that Starbucks in Seattle, or shopping on Rodeo Drive, or having endless gay sex as EVERYONE in San Fransico tends to do, remember it was I, James K. Polk, who gave this land to you!
k
Also, the rock band They Might Be Giants wrote a song about me. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, Woodrow Wilson (who, by the way, was WAY more of a racist than I ever was. And I owned slaves!).
k
Peace out Bitches!
k
James K. Polk
Napoleon of the Stump

Things I'm Embarrassed I Still Think About: Part 1

2007-12-02T16:52:00.000-05:00

Ok, so I promise this blog will not be solely dedicated to Miss Steph Tanner...BUT, did anyone else notice how, despite NEVER being the best dancer in her routines, Stephanie always, somehow, found her way to the front of the group. This drove me insane when i was little (and sadly still does today).

I know, I know, the show wasn't "real". I'm acting like "a crazy person". The "fact that I was thinking about proper dance formations at the age of 9 is quite possibly the gayest thing ever". But c'mon! Look at this video and tell me the girl directly to the right of Miss T wasn't superior. I smell a conspiracy.

PS - Please don't think this diminishes my love for, by far, the greatest of all Tanner sisters. You can expect a passionate post regarding Stephanie's superiority in the future.

I'm My Friend Karen!

2007-12-01T20:08:00.000-05:00

If you're like me, you've spent many a day in spirited debate with your loved ones over what, if anything, is the best episode of any television show ever. And if you know a thing or two about best episodes, you know that the answer is easily "A Pox in Our House," the episode of Full House where Stephanie Tanner gets the chicken pox and tries to sneak out of the Tanner family quarantine because her dance class is being visited by a "real ballerina" that day.

I've posted the best scene from this best episode below - it's the part where Stephanie, wearing a full disguise, makes a break for it and is eventually caught by Uncle Jesse.

Why is this the best episode of any television show ever? Take your pick... could it be:

The sheer fact that Stephanie Tanner owns a Stephanie Tanner-sized trenchcoat for the occasions upon which she may need to traipse in cognito through her own home?
The classic comic styling with which she pigeon-bobs her head while tiptoeing through the kitchen in said trenchcoat?
The moment where Dannys voice has clearly been overdubbed to cover an accidental silence in the final cut ("Gotta find a babysitter")?
Stephanie Tanner's brilliant delivery of "I'm my friend Karen!" to explain her trenchcoated presence at the door?
The not quite identifiable dialect she takes on in intoning "Chiiicken pox? I bettah get out of heah!"?
The dramatic tossing aside of her hat and glasses while exclaiming "I can't take it anymore! It's me! It's me! ...Stephanie!"?
The fact that, by the way, Uncle Jesse's last name used to be Cochrane? What happened to that?

No matter what your reasoning on the way there, the conclusion is undeniable - this was the best episode of any television show ever. With the possible exception of that episode of Super Sloppy Double Dare where the girl had to catch as many burritos as possible in the rim of her 4' wide sombrero, while her teammate fired them out of a trebuchet. But come on. We can't all be Olympians.